HUSSEIN HUNTING SEASON OPENS
(AL GITYA, IRAQ) The opening of Hussein hunting season was greeted by Resident Bush and all his cabinet by packing up to go on a massive junket to Iraq to hunt the last known wild Husseins (Microtyrannus Stalinni) in the world. In a press conference the Resident said his shooting party did not intend to use the traditional hunting method, talking them to death, in favor of flushing them out with dogs and bush beaters, cornering them and then killing the wild animals by decapitation.
Animal rights protesters around the world decried Bush's hunting ritual saying it's barbaric, especially the decapitation part. "Sure they're dangerous animals," said Paul I. Tikakorect of the SPCJAA, the Society of Prevention of Cruelty to Just About Anything. "A crocodile or a lion is dangerous too, but there are only a few left of this species. We shouldn't just kill them we should put them on display in a zoo somewhere so people won't forget what it was like when herds of Microtyranni roamed all the little countries of the Middle East, Asia and Africa." [F.U. Shokkenaw, 13 O'Clock Endangered Dictators Expert]
CONFUSION IN SURRENDER SCENARIO(IRAQI BORDER) - A surrender that went wrong in a most strange way was captured on videotape last week and finally analyzed today. As 11,000-plus Iraqi soldiers were attempting to surrender to British and US forces, thousands of Frenchmen suddenly appeared from nowhere, running toward the Iraqis with white flags and screaming "don't shoot!" The baffled Iraqis then had to take the Frenchmen prisoner, then surrender to the US and British soldiers, then turn over the Frenchmen they'd been forced to capture. This caused a great deal of confusion and breech of protocol, but it did give the French a chance to surrender twice in the same day, which seemed to make them quite happy. Experts analyzing the videotape at the Pentagon say the most obvious and yet most baffling thing is that the French weren't even in this war. [Jacques Eikuit Euwynn, 13 O'Clock French Dressing Dept]
USA LOOKS FOR OTHER COUNTRIES TO BEAT UP(WASHINGTON, DC) - With Iraq in ruins and Afghanistan still reeling, the Bush administration today began actively seeking a new country to attack. A 14-hour closed-door cabinet session was followed by a game of blindfolded dart throwing, the target being a map of the world. Some have suggested Resident Bush was peeking through the bottom of his blindfold because his darts constantly struck Mexico, and he's made no secret of his desire to add a very, very large deck to his Texas home. Vice Resident Cheney continued to embarrass himself by repeatedly landing his darts on the United States. The most unusual moment of the day came when Colin Powell hurled one dart directly onto Iraq. It was then discussed as a possible target because, having already been pulverized, it would offer little resistance and the USA could pad its win record. [By George (but not that one), 13 O'Clock bearer of scary political news]
BUSH DECLARES HIS NEXT TARGET IN THE WAR ON EVIL
(THE PENTAGRAM, MASHINGTON DC) In a wartime rally for top military brass, Resident Bush declared, "First Hussein, next Sauron!" The comment mystified all onlookers until it was revealed that the President had been watching the films nominated for the Best Picture Oscar, like Gangs Of New York and Chicago. Aides later said that the Sauron comment came out because the Resident thought Peter Jackson's The Two Towers was actually a documentary about the fall of the Twin Towers of the World Trade Center. "Please disregard his comments about the drug crazed hordes of Harlem," said a Bush spokesperson, referring to the armies of Orcs in the movie. "Nobody had the heart to tell him it's a fantasy." The staff so far has successfully kept the Resident from opening fire on Five Points in New York, but recently he advocated new laws prohibiting dancing in the corrupt municipal courts of Chicago. [Warren and Hometown Buffet, 13 O'Clock Paranoid Delusions Desk]
BUSH REPRIMANDS PRESS FOR PRESSING(WASHINGTON, DC) - Resident George W. Bush Spoke with obvious anger during his press conference on the "obvious pointlessness of press conferences." The press, thinking they had been summoned to an important informational press conference regarding the war in Iraq, were bombarded with complaints and what amounted to direct orders, ranging from "We'll win when we win so dammit, stop saying 'are we there yet' or I swear to God I'll turn this thing around and we'll go straight home" to "It's sheer coincidence all my friends happen to head up companies that are the perfect ones for the jobs we're awarding, so stop writing about it!"
For most of the time the Resident was at the podium it was a speech, but it did eventually become a press conference when two reporters managed to get questions in. The answers? "No, that's silly, where do you people get this crap," and "No, as I said before, there's no favoritism involved at all." The questions? "Is it true there's information about a planned biochemical attack on the United States" and "Isn't it a little risky giving the contract for war crimes executions to the state prison in Texas?"
The Resident was resplendent in a canary-yellow protective anti-biochem suit with an adorable 10-Gallon hat held atop it by Velcro. Dick Cheney was scheduled to speak as well but had to leave to change clothes after accidentally spilling a great deal of oil on the ones he was wearing. [Ismellah Rhatt, 13 O'Clock News White House mole]
BUSH CONFIDENT AFTER INITIAL THRUST
(WASHINGTON, DC) - Reports from the Bush bedroom in the White House are encouraging at this hour, according to sources in the Department of the Interior. "The President's mood is good and everything is going right on schedule," said Presidential aide Ronald Jeremy. "He asked for a few pointers, but that's what we're here for. He just didn't want a repeat of last night's disappointing showing." Jeremy referred to the previous evening's failed attack and quick retreat, which sent shock waves through the administration and no waves of any kind through the First Lady. "We admit things fell short of expectations last night," said Jeremy, "but that was just day one in Operation Longer Ride. He's already made the initial thrust tonight and is preparing to send his little troops across the border." In a related story, French politicians have condemned the action due to the fact that the First Lady shaves her legs and arm pits. [Dicky Thrustien, 13 O'Clock Political Analist]
CALIFORNIA TURNED INTO PRISON CAMP LOCAL NEWS
(CURLEY, LARRY AND MOEJAVE DESERTS, CA) Californians driving to Las Vegas for a weekend of gambling losses were puzzled to find that a long fence has been erected around the entire state, with posted National Guardsmen. "No one is allowed in or out," said Captain Roger Flatfoot when asked, "Orders from Attorney General John Ashcroft." It was later found that under the new Super Patriot Act, secretly passed in Ashcroft's star chamber at the start of Gulf War II, the entire state had been protesting too much. "Especially that uppity Martin Sheen guy," said Ashcroft in a taped statement dropped by airplane to all Californians. "He acts like all you Hollywood types; he speaks out too much when we've got all these infidels to convert or kill." Ashcroft went on to say the state was in violation of section 38, the No Tolerance For Any Other Opinion Provision and cut off from all contact with the rest of the country.
California Governor Gray Davis upon hearing the news said, "Fine with us, we're already the seventh largest economy in the world, WE QUIT!" whereupon he seceded from the United States and promoted himself to First Citizen And Dictator For Life of California. His first act as Dictator was to begin selling off the state's baseball and basketball teams in an effort to pay off the state's budget deficit. [Alder Budweizer, New California Ministry of Information]
STUDY SAYS GIRL SCOUT COOKIES VIOLATE LAWS OF PHYSICS HUMAN INDIFFERENCE
(LUVHANDEL, AR) Scientists at the Arkansas Coolige of Tenknowledgy have just completed a new study on the strange weight gain effect that Girl Scout cookies seem to create every spring. They claim to have proven that one pound of Girl Scout cookies in a box actually gains in mass when you eat it. "In other words, one pound of cookies adds five pounds onto you," stated Dr. Gomer Goober of the school's physics department. "This goes against the law of conservation of matter and energy." Dr. Goober said that this discovery could lead to a breakthrough in space exploration, since we wouldn't have to lift as much mass into orbits to feed astronauts. "We even think it might be possible to build an entire space station out of Girl Scout cookies. They're even the right shape already," said Goober. The Department is currently searching for funding to continue their research. A bake sale has been ruled out. [Cal O'Reese, 13 O'Clock Snack Bar Correspondent]
Three words: Freedom Onion Dip
MICHAEL JACKSON REVEALS HE IS ACTUALLY RUSSIAN ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(PLEASENEVERLANDHERE, CA) The ever-enlightening Michael Jackson today revealed that his family name was not Jackson at all and he is actually a White Russian. "We were victims of double reverse discrimination by the Siberian Sonee Clan," Michael assured reporters at a press conference in his shy, quavering voice. The Jacksons, he said, had been forced to flee Russia in the 1920's during the terrible wars between the White and the Red armies. They emigrated to America at the height of anti-communist red-baiting, so they anglicized their name to mask their true roots and fit in. "I stand before you all today to tell you our real family name," said the eccentric singer, standing to his full height, "I am a Jackov." [Farley Obvious, 13 O'Clock Pop Star Patrol]
NEW HEAD START PROGRAM FOR ATHLETES A SUCCESS SPORTS SECTION
(NEW YORK, NY) - In an era when the National Basketball Association's teams are looking more and more to high schools for their draft picks instead of colleges, as had been the tradition in years past, one ugly fact has been made clear: the kids that go from childhood to the high pressure world of the millionaire athlete often implode in a big hurry. That's why Stewart "Stewy" Dunkard has created VERBATM, or Very Easy Road to the Big ATM.
"We bring the kids in and teach them about agents, about contracts, shoe contracts, public speaking and that sort of thing," said Dunkard, a former schoolyard player in the inner city who has no discernable qualifications for running such a program. "We do play a little basketball, you know, have a few shootarounds, but that's the least of their worries. Then it's graham crackers and milk and then a nap."
Asked why these children are so highly prized while others, who have paid their dues for four years in college, are dropping down to the second round of the draft, a scout who wished to remain nameless told us it's simply because these snot-nosed brats are an oddity who put butts in seats. We paused to let the cynicism set in before wandering away, our lives enriched with that knowledge.
Meanwhile, at VERBATM, it's still nap time, though a shark pool of agents has gathered in the lobby. "I'm here to offer a lucrative contract to Stephone DuMuracus," drooled one agent in reference to a 4 year old boy attending the program. "My scouts tell me he hit the hoop twice this morning, so I got on the first plane and here I am. Gotta get 'em young." Later, it was noted that DuMuracus was baffled by the offer of a car he didn't have to pedal, and he was clearly uninterested in what the agent referred to as "unlimited poontang." All this is seen by the NBA as signs of an attitude problem, and DuMuracus will most likely slip several spots in the draft. In any case, the VERBATM program will have helped all participants, one way or another. [Jordan Michaels, 13 O'Clock Athlete Exploitation Noticer]
HERE'S YOUR DAMNED WEATHER REPORT WEATHER SECTION
I have no idea how I ended up embedded with a division of caterers in the Iraqi desert, but my mother always said "Aloysius, if you don't stop getting so messed up you're going to wind up in some God forsaken desert, embedded with troops in the middle of a fire fight." My mother's skin is like that of a lizard. It's not anything like a normal hu OH!! OH!!! IT'S RAINING LIGHT!!! Okay, I've been asked to calm down and I've been informed it's not rain, so scratch that from the forecast. Apparently, it's just a flare fired by the Iraqi soldiers in order to light up the area so they can... What was that? So they can what, guys? OH!!! OH!!! IT'S RAINING FIRE FROM EVERY DIRECTION!!! OKAY!! PUT RAIN BACK ON YOUR FORECAST FOR TONIGHT!!! SHIT!! SHIT!!! SHIT!!! OKAY!!! SHIT!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!! IT'S RAINING, IT'S POURING, THE FIRE GOD IS SNORING!!! I should probably re-think the sweater. Pretty out here, though. Really really pretty. [A. Syd Brown, 13 O'Clock Weather Freak]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.
