IS IT MILLER TIME YET?

Last month's big question was: Are we having war yet? Well, that's certainly been answered! I guess this month's big question is: Is it Miller time yet?

Yes, Miller time, when the dirty work is done. Ever see one of those T-shirts with a B-1 bomber in the foreground flying away from a huge mushroom cloud and sporting that same slogan? It's almost as bad as the T-shirts that say "Kill 'em all and let God sort 'em out." I can't think of many slogans more disgusting than that but often members of the military cultivate that kind of attitude. After all killing is their job and they are proving once again they are very, very good at it. I guess it helps that much of their dirty work is done from afar, triggering a missile from Predator or launching a Tomahawk from a frigate. Later we all watch the impact on CNN and it has about as much meaning to us as winning a video game. We don't have to pick up the body parts. We can continue our lives secure in the knowledge we are doing the right thing.

Neil Young released a song last summer called "Let's Roll" where he sang, "You've got to turn on evil when it's comin' after you." I wondered why Neil would write something so pro-war, but then I thought about the key phrase. What if he really meant "turn on" like a switch? I think that's what we are doing. We are turning on the evil in ourselves. I just hope that Miller time comes soon, without too many deaths, ours or theirs.

Funny, I am personally non-violent and I advocate peace, but actually I am fascinated with military history, tactics and especially hardware. My father was a pilot so I grew up with planes on the brain. I ate up the dogfight footage in the old Air Power serials they used to show on Saturday mornings. I also read all about the big propeller-driven campaigns of World War II and even today I could easily tell the silhouette of a Messerschmidt from a Mustang. Later I had the jets of Vietnam screaming across my TV, likewise I know a Fishbed from a Phantom.

Okay, so you're not impressed, but lots of people have this strange lusty fascination for the implements of war. We're certainly getting a lot of exposure to them lately; I'm always impressed with how far our technology has come. The old B-17s used to do "precision bombing" but even with the best bombsight of the day were lucky to hit their target 5% of the time. And I am talking within a football field of their target! That's why we turned to firebombing Germany and Japan you know; we really couldn't hit much directly, so we attacked the cities themselves. The Allies ran up civilian death tolls in the hundreds of thousands even without the A-bomb. In Vietnam we kept the target list much narrower, but we still weren't very accurate. We ended up dropping far more tonnage on Vietnam than in ALL of World War II. I know that sounds crazy but it's true! Anyway, the civilian casualties were less because we didn't carpet bomb, but we still killed tens of thousands of innocents over seven years of war. Today we don't drop things much anymore, we launch. Bombs have been robotized and they are incredibly accurate, but still far from perfect. We still miss a lot and there's the rub. We kill some of the people we are trying to save. It's just a matter of time before Bush passes Osama Bin Laden in the innocent body count and starts working towards Saddam Hussein's record.

Oops. I forgot we are not supposed to criticize our military now that we are engaged in battle. Well, actually I wasn't; I really do think they are trying to be as careful as possible this time around. Instead I am criticizing Bush. I am questioning his strategy, his timing and his reasons for doing this in the first place, not our troops. The troops believe that this operation will make things safer here in America and hopefully end the War On Terror. They need to believe in that result in order to fight. I'd love to believe that too but I can't.

Seriously, I really do respect military men, most are very fine dedicated people. My oldest brother went all the way up to colonel in the Air Force. My kids go to a school with a lot of military kids so I know parents who serve. I've studied a lot of military history too. Lord knows if I were President I would use them to protect the country. However, what is occurring now is far different than simple defense. I am angry over the unprovoked attack of 911 like everyone else, but just because we are angry it seems that a lot of us support making an unprovoked attack ourselves.

I've been conflicted about this operation for a long time. Like the vast majority in this country I agree Saddam Hussein is dangerous. I would like to see him removed from power for the peace of his own people as well as ours. As Americans we have our rationalizations, if not our lofty ideals, for doing this, but the Iraqis don't seem to share them. In spite of the "brutal dictator" ruling them, the Iraqis are fighting our invasion. One is reminded of how the Russians fought for Stalin, even though he was a worse mass murderer than Hitler. I guess a homegrown beast is preferable to any foreign invader.

Our first cruise missile was supposedly a surgical strike designed to kill Saddam and end hostilities quickly. For awhile there it looked like that single robot bomb might have worked, and the war would have ended just like we'd turned off a TV with a remote. Bush would have been able to reap a lot of credit if it had been that easy; I might have even grudgingly admired his feat. However, it has not been that simple. I cannot support Bush's attack on Hussein because as I originally feared, it's not just on him. This ham-handed full-frontal assault on all of Iraq will have repercussions long after Dubya leaves office.

In all the spinning that the Administration has been doing no one seems to have seen all this resistance coming. I hope Miller time comes soon.

And of course when I'm talking about spinning the facts and Miller time, I'm talking about Dennis Miller, former comedian, one-time football color guy and now conservative hatchet man. I wish I didn't have to say that last part, but Dennis is a changed man. And what changed him to support and even vote for Bush last time? Private school vouchers. Right Dennis, let's dummy down public schools more by taking even more money away from them. Look, you're already rich enough to send your kids to private school ... but I digress.

The real reason I'm upset with Dennis is his cute little missive on Iraq that was making the rounds early in March. Even though the war is started and some of this is moot, a lot of what he said is dangerously wrong-headed and I can't let his comments slide. So here goes the Official Rusty Pipes Point-By-Point Reply To Dennis Miller's 10 Things To Consider When Voicing An Opinion.

1. Between President Bush and Saddam Hussein ... Hussein is the bad guy.

   Maybe so, Dennis, Bush may not be a Hussein, but he's sure trying hard to mimic some of Hussein's worst traits. The Resident should know you can't always do what's expedient. The good guys DO have to play by the rules, that's what makes them the good guys. It makes the game harder to play but it makes the aftermath a lot better when the game is over. And yes I think he and Cheney and Rumsfeld went into this thinking it was some kind of game that would be over in a week.

2. If you have faith in the United Nations to do the right thing, keep this in mind, they have Libya heading the Committee on Human Rights and Iraq heading the Global Disarmament Committee. Do your own math here.

   Umm Dennis, you'd better check your facts. I went to the UN website and found that the UN High Commissioner for Human Rights is Sergio Vieira De Mello, from Brazil. Libya is just a member on the committee. And it's the Conference on Disarmament, not the Committee. Yes, Iraq is a member, but the Conference President is Rakesh Sood of India.

   Regardless of your errors, we continue to buy oil from BOTH Libya and Iraq. So what causes more problems? Giving them money to pursue their own agendas or having them on a committee? At least within the UN we have a chance to convince others their opinions are wrong. Sure, the UN often seems at cross-purposes, but even though diplomatic wrestling seems unproductive at times, talking is ALWAYS better than fighting.

3. If you use Google search and type in "French military victories," your reply will be "did you mean French military defeats?"

   C'mon Dennis, you know your history, doesn't the name Napoleon ring a bell? And furthermore, I did as directed and it isn't true. In fact, Google lists about 63,000 pages of French military victories. So what are you really saying? 600 years later you're faulting them for losing to Henry V at Agincourt? This is just French bashing because they wouldn't come to our little party in Iraq and it doesn't mean shit.

4. If your only anti-war slogan is "no war for oil," sue your school district for allowing you to slip through the cracks and robbing you of the education you deserve.

   Obviously you never attended a logic class at your school, Dennis. Who says this is the only reason people are against this war? I think we should sue Bush for spending so much on it ($75 billion by his figures and you KNOW it's going to be more). He's even promising to rebuild IRAQI schools, while our own schools are overcrowded and losing funding. Take your vouchers and shove it up your kid's privately schooled ass.

5. Saddam and Bin Laden will not seek United Nations approval before they try to kill us.

   Half-true. Saddam needs us to buy his oil; it's Osama who wants to kill us all without anyone else's approval. But to our shame Bush never gave a fuck about UN approval either. Remember Dennis, we are supposed to stand for international law, making these guys outlaws. The UN found some things, they even got Iraq to start destroying some Al-Samoud missiles, but Bush didn't even wait for Iraq to finish destroying all the missiles before he started to attack! Then the administration acted surprised when the Iraqis launched the few that were left at Kuwait. Regardless, in a time when it's more important than ever to talk out our differences in an international forum, Bush has destroyed what little authority the UN had. And by the way, that tenuous authority, that hope for a world of international law was one of the things the brave soldiers of World War II died to bring about.

6. Despite common belief, Martin Sheen is not the president. He plays one on TV.

   You're on TV too, Dennis. How is your speech any different? Even if he was a bricklayer, Martin Sheen has just as much right to speak out as you do.

   I keep hearing from conservatives that Hollywood types should not get involved in politics. Unless they are saying something conservatives want to hear already, of course. Remember, it was the Republicans who elected the first actor President.

7. Even if you are anti-war, you are still an "infidel!" and Bin Laden wants you dead, too.

   True, and HE should be our real target right now, but the war is directed against Saddam Hussein. You know, the guy who the CIA says has no ties to Al-Qaeda, and who hasn't shown us any weapons of mass destruction now that the battle is joined. How does this war help us find Bin Laden?

8. If you believe in a "vast right-wing conspiracy" but not in the danger that Hussein poses, quit hanging out with the Dell computer dude.

   Even the Dell Computer dude loathes Hussein, that's not the point. It's this full frontal assault against an Islamic country that will cause problems for decades to come that people are against. Regarding a vast conspiracy, right-wing or not I'd say getting the whole Congress to abdicate their war powers to Bush makes the conspiracy to go to war pretty vast indeed.

9. We are not trying to liberate them.

   So why does Bush call this "Operation Iraqi Freedom"? What are you saying here, Dennis? If not for liberation of the Iraqis then why ARE we fighting over there and why do you seem to be FOR it?

10. Whether you are for military action or against it, our young men and women overseas are fighting for us to defend our right to speak out. We all need to support them without reservation.

    So our right to speak out ends as soon as a conflict starts? Bullshit. This has been a poorly conceived war plan from the beginning and blaming protesters for battlefield problems is a cop out. More importantly, the protesting began far ahead of Bush's order to attack. It took years of fighting in Vietnam to get protests of the size we saw last month. Face it, in spite of the right-wing media bias and fake polls, the majority of the American people never wanted this war, but Bush started it anyway. Even using Bush's own reasons it makes no sense. It will not stop terrorism, it will ensure terrorism for decades to come. America will cease to be a champion for human good because now all kinds of radical Islamic fundamentalists can brand us as a bunch of thugs and killers, doing whatever we want regardless of reason and worldwide opinion. You may not think that makes a difference but it does. Sooner or later we need to win over moderate Islamic leaders and have them start calling down the radicals in their midst. They won't be able to when we pull stunts like this.

    Again I really wish that our fight would remove Hussein and make life better for the Iraqis. No one deserves thirty years of a bastard like that, but it's obvious that he's not going to go quietly. This month will probably see some very nasty house to house fighting. We will still "win" I am sure, but then the real work begins. At one point, Dennis, you said "do the math," well I did. It says a mere 250,000 troops cannot hold a country of 22,000,000 for very long. When the battle's over, even if the majority there loves us for liberating them, you can expect sniping and the occasional bomb from Islamic fundamentalists to kill our boys over there for years to come, mostly because of the stupid way Bush started this war.

So much for Dennis Miller's Ten Points.

Regardless of our protests, once the ultimatum was given on March 17th Bush had painted himself into a corner where he couldn't back down without losing face. Wouldn't be prudent. Killing Iraqis was easier. The real shame is that so many good hearted Americans are still going along with it. They probably expected a quick three day drive to Baghdad and all terrorism would end forever. Finally reality is dawning on them; every day fewer and fewer think that this war will actually solve anything. It's a costly lesson. Where are we going to get a voucher to pay off the bill?

Five years ago the Republicans were chanting, "Impeach Clinton!" when all they had on him was a little jizz on his paramour's dress. Bush's Cowboy War is a far more serious threat to the Constitution; maybe it's time to consider impeaching him.

Except it wouldn't work. He got Congress to grant him their war powers, so he didn't actually break a law in going to war. But take heart, 2004 is coming. Right now I'd vote for Bozo the Clown over Bush. I sure hope the Democrats can do better than that though! Maybe Dennis Kucinich, hell I'd even vote for that hack Gephardt over Bush. I'd also vote for McCain and I'd certainly vote for Nader as long as it meant getting Bush's group of war mongering assholes out. Maybe we will get our chance to pop open a Miller over Bush's defeat at the polls.

Until then we will get lots of footage of better wars through technology, just don't be as robotic as the bombs and think for yourself.

Speaking of technology, a friend wants to go see a movie about machines. It's called Amana Apart. I guess they disassemble a kitchen appliance or something. I'll go back into the Closet and get ready now, I need to get my mind off this war for awhile. Too bad they don't serve Miller at the theater. Thanks for reading and until next month, the Closet is closed.

(C) 2003 - Rusty Pipes

Official Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in this column are the opinions of Rusty Pipes, so the Publisher and Editors of Cosmik Debris Magazine should be left out of all lawsuits pertaining to it. We, in fact, have no actual opinions of our own, except that we're damned glad Dennis Miller is off Monday Night Football and back out in comedy no-man's land where he can only preach to his choir instead of destroying the flow of a game with comparisons to Greek mythology or Shakespearean literature when it was, after all, just a fucking fumble.