BUSH AND HUSSEIN MEET IN MONTE CARLO
It was revealed today that Resident Bush is not really taking a boating vacation in Chicken Neck, Maine as was previously reported in the media. As a charter member of SOIREE (the Society of Obscenely, Incredibly Rich Executives and Entertainers) he had secretly jetted over to Monte Carlo for a couple weeks of gambling and frolicking on the topless beaches.
His presence there was leaked to the media by another member of SOIREE who happened to be in Monte Carlo at the same time, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. Hussein said he a chance meeting with Bush while waiting for an espresso in an upscale Turkish coffee house, Etoilebucks. "When I saw him come in I went up and shook his hand to thank him for all his saber-rattling over the last few months. After all, fear of the United States in my country is greater than fear of me and it helps keep me in power," said the dictator. He later added, "I also asked after his dad whom I remember fondly from my CIA training days. I told Dubya to thank his dad for leaving me in power eleven years ago. He was very respectful of my needs when he did that and I never got to thank him before."
At a hastily called press conference, a spokesperson for the Resident denied the meeting took place, then refused to take questions and ended the session, saying his Etoilebucks cappuccino was getting cold. [By Harley Ichabod Worcestershire III in Chartreuse-sur-Fromage, France.]
WORLD LEADERS IN HIDING AFTER LATEST BUSH REMARKS
In a surprise move last week, Resident George W. Bush clearly stated that the world would be a safer place if Saddam Hussein was no longer in power in Iraq. The statement came just a week after Bush made a less direct but equally powerful remark intended for Palestinian ears involving Yasser Arafat. Just how these moves would play in the Middle East had yet to be seen at press time, but it can be assumed this will not improve the image of America as a bully, tossing its weight around and telling other nations their business.
"Just who does Mr. Bush reason he is," asked Iraqi pigeon salesman Saheid Festoon, echoing the question on the minds of many in the Middle East. "He has no power here. He is impotent and silly," spat Festoon. "His father, however... There was a man with a feel for the handle of the whip," the odd little man said, wiping a tear from his eye.
Outside the Middle East, the reaction to Resident Bush's remarks was swift. In Cuba, Fidel Castro announced that he wasn't "going to touch this one with a ten foot pole," while in England, Prime Minister Tony Blair would only mutter "Dicey situation, that." Resident Bush immediately called a press conference during which he hinted that England would be much better off - and safer from American aggression - without Tony Blair at the helm. Reached for comment, Prime Minister Blair agreed with the Resident, saying "Yes, I suppose the old boy has a point, really. God knows I'd be the last one to bring the might of the United States' military down on the United Kingdom, so perhaps it's best I step aside."
In the same press conference, Resident Bush made brief references to the leaderships of Mexico, Bolivia, Costa Rica, Canada, Sweden, Japan and Jamaica before adding that "Dick Cheney better watch his P's and Q's, too!" Vice Resident Cheney couldn't be reached for comment.
"Let's just say we're a bit concerned," said First Lady Laura Bush, wringing her hands together nervously as her husband tried in vain to find the correct door and exit the press room. "We think we're close with the medications, but they still haven't found the perfect combination, and while the ADHD is finally in control, the anxiety disorder is a real bitch."
Later that evening the Resident took a relaxing bubble bath and then watched The Godfather on the Dolly Madison Big Screen TV before retiring for the evening. [By Mohammad Eman in Washington.]
RENEGADE BISHOPS HOLDING CUBANS INAPPROPRIATELYHAVANA, Cuba (AP) -- A recent announcement by the Canadian Conference of Catholic Bishops stating that twenty-three Cubans among a delegation that went to Canada for the Pope's World Youth Day visit had defected, took an ugly turn this morning. Mauricio Sanchez, the Cuban Ambassador to Canada, initially confirmed the story. "We noticed that the truck was almost two tons lighter at the weigh station in Buffalo," he said, "and we knew we had packed them in like sardines in Miami. I guess that explains the rattling noise on the way home. Air space between cargo...I mean, passengers."
However, the story grew more complex when twelve-year old Luis Aparicio Sosa Concepcion Smith, one of the missing delegation, later phoned the office of the Commissioner Of Baseball and left a message stating that the twenty-three youngsters had been duped into staying behind. "These people promised us we could become Major League ballplayers but I don't believe them," the message said, "since when do we have to have THAT kind of an examination to play baseball? And that guy who claims to be Willie Mays just says "ay," not "say hey." Plus he's white!"
The Toronto Blade was later able to confirm that the bishops, who were supposed to be the hosts and chaperones for the event, later led some of the younger boys back to a secluded location under the guise of helping them negotiate contracts to play baseball in America. "Apparently even Cubans are smart enough not to sign on to play in Canada", the report said, "so when the Canadian bishops claimed connections in America as well, one of the boys grew suspicious and placed the call."
Given the recent spate of events surrounding organized religion and the abuse of children, a spokesperson for the Catholic Bishops organization was quick to offer a deal.
"We'll be happy to return the twenty-three Cuban children as long as we are properly compensated for our expenses in trying to secure their baseball careers," stated Bishop Buck Enyu. "We feel that fifty thousand dollars per child - in US funds, of course - will be sufficient."
Hours later, the excessive demand was reduced to seven copies of the Alice Cooper "School's Out" album.
"But they've got to have the white cotton panties in them or the deal is off!" stated Enyu.
Willie Mays and Alice Cooper could not be reached for comment. [By Rabbi Chaim Yablonowicz, Toronto.]
SUICIDE BOMBER GETS ON WRONG BUS
TEL AVIV - A Palestinian suicide bomber was probably quite surprised this afternoon to find himself on a bus back to his own settlement and not the bus to the Israeli School for Particularly Vulnerable Young Children, as he'd originally intended. His time bomb already tripped, the young man began shouting frantically and waving his arms, frightening neighbors he suddenly recognized all too well. He was last seen diving out an open window in a gallant effort to save his people, apparantly unaware of his proximity to Yassar Arafat's new compound. Judging from the power of the explosion, it is believed there may have been a storage dump of explosives in the compound that were set off by the errant suicide bomber's explosion. "It was terrible! Just terrible!" said the visibly shaken bus driver, who wished to remain anonymous. "Going that direction, you pay when you get OFF the bus!" This is just the latest in a long string of terrible suicide bombings by people who seem to think that this horribly violent act is the only way to make their political point. This time, though, you really have to laugh. We'll keep an eye on the situation and report on it as it develops. [By Don D. Estad, 13 O'Clock political cynic.]
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
LUCAS LIVID OVER LEAK
In entertainment news, the plot to the third episode of the Star Wars saga was leaked today.
In it Annikin Skywalker "accidently" gets Amidala pregnant and tries to cover it up. When Obi-Wan finds out about Annikin’s transgression, he angrily calls him "Pannikin’" Skywalker. The hot-blooded young Jedi in a fit of pique slays all the Jedis except Yoda and Obi-Wan. Afterwards he feels chagrinned and can’t show his face to anyone, whereupon the only person still talking to him, Darth Sidious, offers him a lovely black helmet as a token of friendship. Skywalker’s passage to the Dark Side is complete.
George Lucas, upset over the leak, pushed back the release of Episode Three forty years so that the current generation will die off and a new generation with no knowledge of the plot would be ready to view it. [By Yoda Nobunaga in Hollywood.]
FORMER DEADHEADS OUT OF BANDS TO FOLLOWMax and Sunshine Krebs, once of Cleveland, Ohio, have reached a difficult crossroad, in their marriage and their lives. For twenty years the Krebs followed The Grateful Dead from show to show, living in tents, vans and sometimes out in the open, twirling endlessly as the band played their famously long songs. After the death of Jerry Garcia, the Krebs latched onto The Tie-Dyed Lie, a jam band out of Oregon, but within months four members had died of drug overdoses.
Quickly glomming onto Costa Mesa's Pipes Of Peace, the Krebs thought they had found their band until all nine band members
fired one another in a fit of anger. Six months later the couple found themselves without a band to stalk once again when a van carrying members of The Pleasantly Plump Prarie People drove off a 200-foot embankment into the Pacific Ocean near Carmel, California."That's when we started to realize we were a curse," confessed Mrs. Krebs. "We began to be afraid to twirl anymore. Do you know what it's like to hear the music and not twirl?"
The final straw came early this week
with the mass suicide of the Krebs' latest heroes, Undercooked Chicken. "At that point, your twirling days are over," whispered Mr. Krebs, clearly on the verge of tears as they packed their rucksacks and wrote "Cleveland Or Bust" on a large piece of cardboard."Well, I guess we'll,
I dunno, get something like, I guess, like jobs or something," said the visibly shaken and clearly unemployable Mrs. Krebs. "All we know is following jam bands where ever they go. Maybe private detective work?" [Special thanks to reporter Stoney Lee Horowitz of Wow Man The Colors Magazine.]
SPORTS SECTION
TWINS OR BREWERS? KICKING BACK WITH BUD SELIG?
MILWAUKEE, WI. - Acting Major League Baseball commissioner, Bud Selig, told a throng of reporters today that there has been no change in league plans to disband the Minnesota Twins and the Montreal Expos at the end of the season. The plan, thought to have been a move in part to bring up the quality of play, would end the relatively short but storied existence of the powerhouse Twins, 51 games ahead of the second place Chicago Whitesox in the American League Central with 94 wins and only 12 losses as of this writing. With his own Milwaukee Brewers in last place in the National League Central with an anemic record of 8 wins and 98 losses, 91 games out of first, many of the reporters wanted to know if the right team was being euthanized. Selig dismissed these questions as pointless and silly. Others asked about labor relations, some about the possibility of an anti-trust suit against the league, but when one reporter asked just how much certain owners like George Steinbrenner and Ted Turner pay him in kickbacks for keeping the issue of salary caps off the table, Selig lept from the podium to the parking area below and moved slowly away, hunched over the handlebars of a Rascal, looking back nervously at the startled reporters from time to time.
In an unrelated story, the New York Yankees acquired 8 free agents today, 7 of whom were starters in last season's all-star game. Most will only find bench time on the already star-studded Yankee roster, though Ken Griffey, Jr. is expected to crack the lineup and bat 9th. Manager Joe Torre's contract was also extended another four years. "Hell, we gotta have Joe," laughed an exuberant George Steinbrenner. "Look at all the world series rings? I mean, the man is a genius!" To make room on the roster, the Yankees sent Sammy Sosa and Randy Johnson to Triple-A Waukeegan of the Corn Stalk League. [By Bubba Fenway in the Witness Relocaton Program.]
OLYMPIC CONTROVERSY? THE HELL, YOU SAY!
Belgium - In late breaking news more arrests have come in the widening Olympic scandals, this time at the Summer Games. Revelations have come that in the relatively new sport of synchronized swimming, the entire scoring system was accidently turned around. The judges of the sport were under the impression that a score of 1 was to be considered perfect, not 10, necessitating a complete reversal of all awards. "Zis explains why zose awful performers kept getting all zee medals," said Fritz Schnitzengruben, a former Belgian judge who claims he had never seen a pool before he became a judge. "At least in zis sport they do not take zee dives."
His last comment prompted officials to look into all the Olympic divers taking dives on the orders of their coaches. [By Dilbert Alexrod in Belguim. Or maybe it's Belfast. There's a Bel in it...]
FINANCIAL SECTION
MILITARY GIANT ANNOUNCES YET ANOTHER ACQUISITION
In financial news this morning mega-conglomerate MightyCo announced plans to acquire the military operations of ailing public sector giant UsGov. "Our analysis shows clearly that the military's profit-making potential has not been realized under the current leadership of UsGov," said company President William "Wild Bill" Fukkem. He added, "For example, we believe that instead of closing the media off from military actions we should attach video cameras everywhere we can, from helmets to hellfire missles. The potential footage for new reality based TV shows alone is enormous, and I'm already selling options for future feature movies. Move over Black Hawk Down!" When reached for comment on his fourth six week vacation this year, UsGov's President Tex Babybush said simply, "I hadn't heard of that deal before, but I'm always in favor privatizing. I think the government should get out of government." [By Hideo Gumption in the bunker.]
MARKET GOES DISTANCE BUT TAKES BEATINGIn a day of trading that can only be characterized as brutal, the Dow Jones took a terrible beating and showed very few glimpses of the exciting and flashy market that had kept investors cheering from their yachts only a few years before. From the opening bell it was clear that the Dow was in trouble, as early news of auto plant closures, technical industry lawsuits and super corporation scandals brought the numbers down fast and furious. Traders screamed out instructions frantically but it was too little too late, and by the time news that Alan Greenspan had been seen moonlighting at a Burger King reached the papers, the Dow was finished. As the final bell sounded, the Dow was on its feet but badly beaten. It is this reporter's opinion that the Dow Jones should take a good hard look at itself and strongly consider hanging up the ticker tape, as its best years are now clearly behind it. [By Bart Mashkin, on loan from the sports department.]
HUMAN INDIFFERENCE
WORLD'S OLDEST PET ROCK DIES AT 27Culver City, CA - For Peter Jacobson, life just got a whole lot lonelier. Keith, his best friend and pet rock of 27 years, has died, leaving Peter to map out his future alone. A future he'd planned to spend with his friend. "They were the Glimmer Twins when I bought 'em," explains the long unemployed Jacobson, "Mick and Keith. I took the stones everywhere I went, put them on the dashboard when I drove so they could see out." Pausing to choke back
tears, Jacobson continued: "One psychobitch girlfriend, when we were camping at Crater Lake in Oregon, said I loved them more than her - which was true, actually - and threw Mick into the lake. It was horrible. Nobody would help. Not the police, not the fire department... nobody." That relationship was terminated immediately, of course, and the grieving Jacobson and Keith continued on for another dozen years until last weekend, when Jacobsen was faced with the hardest decision of his life. "The quality of Keith's life was very poor, you know? His color was dull, he was lifeless and had no energy. It was just his time. I finally had to face the fact that it was time to have him put down." Full of emotion, Jacobson finally managed a smile. "The vet was very kind to me. He just listened. Didn't say a word for the longest time. When I said I knew Keith had to be put down and asked how much, he just whispered 'no charge.' Great guy." Jacobson, still single and unattached at 45, said he wanted a Chia pet now, but was unable to find one and might have to settle for naming a mood ring and attaching an emotional value to it. [By Eslo Nusday in California.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. And if you can, we'd like your e-mail address, please. Just send it to ImTotallyDenseSoSellMyAddressToSpammersPlease@cosmik.com and we'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.