... Or, more accurately, bringing you news late. We are, after all, a monthly publication. Keep that in mind, then, as you read these important stories that have popped up since last we spoke. 
DUBYA HAILS SPIDERMAN II
(NYUK, NYUK) George Bush, on a campaign swing throught the Empire State today, revealed that he had seen Spriderman II and thought it was a marvelous piece of filmmaking. "That young man swinging around and fighting evil and taking care of his old aunt and fighting evel, he's my kind of guy!" gushed the Resident. When asked about the central theme of the movie, that with great power comes great responsibility, George looked puzzled and said he didn't remember that part of the movie. "But that fighting evil part, especially when Spiderman knocked that Farenheit 911 movie out of first place, that was really cool!" Soon after the Resident made his excuses and ended the interview claiming that he had demonstrations of goblin gliders and pumpkin bombs to attend. [by Cal I. Graphee, 13 O'Clock Comic Book Letterer ]
EDWARDS CORRECTS CAMPAIGN GOOF(PORTLAND, OR) Vice Presidential candidate John Edwards has come off the campaign trail for a temporary stop at Kerry Campaign Headquarters in Heinzville, PA after getting off to a rocky start last week. "It wasn't totally his fault," says Kerry/Edwards volunteer Barbra Streisand. "He went to Oregon and campaigned as Ralph Nader's running mate. It was an honest mistake. Kerry had said it'd be a cold day in hell, you know what I'm talkin' about? Give the guy a break, why don't you?" Informed of his error, an embarrassed Edwards could only backpedal. "Everything I just said about Ralph Nader is wrong. Whenever I said 'Nader' I actually meant 'Kerry.'" Asked how the man chosen to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency could make such a silly mistake, Edwards said "Look, how many times do I have to say this? I'm from a small town in the south. Did I mention my daddy worked in a mill? Have you seen Deliverance?" [By K. Hughes, 13 O'Clock Karl Roving Reporter]
BUSH CLAIMS NEW INTELLIGENCE SUCCESS IN IRAQ(CRAWDAD RANCH, TAXES) "I told you to expect this violence!" said a beaming Resident Bush to a Rose Garden press conference, adding "The recent wave of terrorist bombings preceding the hand over of power to Iraq is proof positive that past intelligence failures have been fixed."
For once Bush seems to be correct, at least about predicting more violence, that is. In an early June speech to the nation the Resident told everyone to expect more terrorist incidents around June 30th, when control of Iraq was to be handed over to the provisional government, and indeed a terrible upswing did occur as predicted. Unfortunately the intelligence agencies and our forces stationed in Iraq weren't able to stop any of the incidents.
"Well you didn't have to be a rocket scientist to see this shit storm was coming," said Moe Thrust, a rocket technician stationed near the Ur Baraqs Barracks. "Now if only we knew the exact time some of the bombings were planned for, and oh yeah, the place would help a lot too, then I bet we'd have better luck with stopping the bad guys." [by Hal E. Burton Intelligence Analyst 3rd Class]
NY FANS BROUGHT TO TEARS FOR RATZENBERRY
(The Bronx, NY) The ghosts of Ruth and Gehrig smiled down on Yankee Stadium tonight as over 60,000 fans gathered to say goodbye to a stricken hero. With flashbulbs inexplicably popping in this modern era of low-light digital cameras, 19 year old Mickey Ratzenberry made his way to a microphone near the pitcher's mound for a speech he never thought he'd have to make and, indeed, was unaware he's be making just an hour earlier. "Today I consider myself somewhat lucky," said Ratzenberry to the delight of the delirious throng. "But it's really just a chest cold, uh... and I'd like to stay if." Problems with the stadium's PA system prevented Ratzenberry from finishing his touching speech, but even truncated as it was, there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Ratzenberry, who only played in 47 regular season games for the Yankees, was led away from the microphone, through the clubhouse and out the back door to the street. He was permanently replaced in the lineup by Bash McMashlin, a free agent acquisition hitting .344 with 54 home runs. McMashlin was brought in when Ratzenberry's horrible illness manifested in a batting average of .223 and a complete lack of home run production. Meanwhile, rumors persist that if center fielder Mario Ontoverdocariohowbowdatio doesn't pull out of his 0 for 24 batting slump there may just be another special event next week. [By Celia Fait, 13 O'Clock Sports Desk Death Watch]
RESIGNATION CALLS INCREASE
(HANDITOVER, MAINE) It's no surprise that Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is under increasing pressure to resign in spite of what Resident Bush called "a superb job" he’s been doing in Iraq, but today a new call came for Dubya himself to resign. It was made by Vice President Dick Cheney.
"He should have known better than to listen to me and Achmed Chalabi before the war," said the hawkish veep in an exclusive interview with the 13 O'Clock News. "Hell, I take so many damn heart medications I'm usually outta my skull. Even I don’t listen to my advice half the time. And Chalabi always was a liar, any fool can see that. Getting taken in like that displays a level of judgment so poor that it can only be called gross negligence. Bush has got to go!"
Cheney has been calling Republican lawmakers from an undisclosed bunker for several weeks now to promote his resignation campaign. Apparently even the Secret Service doesn't know location of the bunker, because they are under orders from Resident Bush to arrest Cheney as soon as they find him. "Finding those weapons of mass destruction will be easier than finding me!" chortled the veep, or perhaps it was just a sudden hiccup in his pacemaker. "They won't find me and I won't return to Washington until until Bush is outta there!"
In spite of the lack of a coherent foreign policy or any sign of success in Iraq, Bush himself remains defiant, saying he'll stay the course and keep the pressure on Iraq to establish a democratic sociey. The Resident even vowed to set one up here in America to serve as an example to them. "We'll show them what fair and open elections are all about this fall. Just you wait!" he said. [by M. Peechmint, 13 O'Clock Patriot Actor]
OOPS, SHE'S DOING IT AGAIN
(NEW YORK CITY, NY) - Alleged singer Britney Spears has ended a drought of nearly six tabloid-free months by announcing her engagement to one of three people. The confusion follows yet another wild night of drinking in Las Vegas after which a fuzzy-headed Spears could not clearly remember if she'd said "yes" to her boyfriend, dancer Kevin Federline, Jason Allan Alexander, the childhood friend with whom she spent nearly 48 hours of wedded bliss six months ago, or Madonna, who apparently kisses better than we all imagined. "Like, I don't know, you know? It could be any of them," gushed an excited Spears as she stood before hundreds of reporters and fans anxious for any tidbits of information. Asked what her immediate plans were, Ms. Spears said she would follow advice given her by Jennifer Lopez. "While I'm waiting to find out who I'm engaged to, I've got my people running a computer check to make sure, like, you know, I'm not already married somewhere. Because you never really know." [by Justin Tenderfoot, 13 O'Clock On The Block Reporter]
WORLD OPINION DIMS
Condemnation of the United States is being hurled from nearly every part of the globe at this hour as the many scandals and foreign relations disasters mount. Hope for U.N. help in Iraq is dwindling as that region becomes a near-hopeless quagmire, and even hair-triggered Israel is blasting America for poor wedding party etiquette. In Sadr City, Iraqi cleric Muqtada al-Sadr called for the immediate departure of the Americans, saying "These are terrible people. What rock did they crawl out from under?" In a hastily-called press conference this morning, an angry President Bush responded to al-Sadr, noting that "At the rate we're going, we'll never crawl out from under Iraq." Meanwhile, in London, people threw used condoms at Prime Minister Tony Blair just because, apparently, there was nothing stopping them. [by Hope Faddis, 13 O'Clock Reality Check Dept.]
REAGAN AT REST AT LAST (US TOO)(BEVERLY HILLS, CA) - As the last party-goers head for home and the cleaning crews begin the monumental task of returning the Capitol to normal, Nancy Reagan pauses to thank everyone for the wonderful sendoff they've given to her late husband, former U.S. President, Ronald Reagan.
"The outpouring of love and respect has been moving for my family and me," the former First Lady said on all four major networks and at least 62 cable networks simultaneously, none of them willing to end coverage still bringing top dollar from advertisers. "I'll never forget the festivities of the past week: the stone casket being drawn through the streets by a team of elderly, unwilling democrats; the symbolic tearing down of the wall was truly wonderful."
Mrs. Reagan betrayed a little anger at fringe groups who tried to ruin the "Tear Down This Wall" ceremony. "I'm just sorry a few people had to raise such a fuss over the decision to use the Vietnam Veteran's Memorial Wall," she said with her trademark tone of scorn in evidence. "You honestly can't please anyone these days."
The Lady In Red also seemed less than pleased with the length of some portions of the celebration. "The festival of my husband's best films seemed rather brief. Honestly, it's as if no one's even heard of such classics as Swing Your Lady, Rear Gunner and It's A Great Feeling."
At this point, Mrs. Reagan appeared flushed, and her good friend Dick Cheney led her away from the podium and on to the burial tomb.
In an unrelated story, a no-bid contract was awarded to the Halliburton Corporation today. The contract calls for the completion of a pyramid and sarcophagus for an unnamed deceased person who may or may not have been a public figure. The contract is said to be worth $72,999,999.00 and include golden spittoons filled with jelly beans. We'll have no more on this story as it continues not to be related. [Mia Farrow, 13 O'Clock Nile Valley Dept]
IT'S MOURNING IN AMERICA AGAIN(SANTA BARBARIAN, CA) In huge numbers, Americans have been paying their respects to Ronald Reagan all over the country. Many were the fond remembrances, of jelly beans, and expensive White House china, of the soaring defense budgets and a trillion dollar deficit, of "Big Government is the problem" and paying for Savings and Loan de-regulation, of the heroic attack on a hospital during the Grenada invasion, of dead Marines in Lebanon, tow missiles sold to Iran and of course the masses of homeless in the streets like never before. It's easy to see why Americans everywhere love the 40th President.
Some mourners attracted extra attention here at the Reagan Presidential Library in Simi Valley, California. One tall, bearded and beturbaned dignitary came all the way from the Mid-East to pay homage to the man who helped him to bedevil Soviet forces in Afghanistan more than 20 years ago. "I have so much to thank Ronald Reagan for," said the man. "When it looked liked the godless Russians would wipe out my Muslim brothers in Afghanistan, Reagan's CIA friends came to me with a scholarship to the School Of The Americas. They said that this was the best way I could help my people and they were right! I learned so much during those years, how to make bombs, organize guerillas, mine highways, how to grow poppies for off-the-books-profit and all the other invaluable methods I still use today to fight infidels. And I made so many good friends like Mr. Richard Secord, Mr. Ollie North and Mr. William Casey and all those Reaganites from Central America who served with the Contras." The man, who gave his name as Amaso Nib-Nedal, expressed the faint hope that he might meet some of his fellow graduates from the school at the memorial services, except that he was pretty sure that "they're in jail somewhere. Probably because they did not get good grades in the Lying Low 101 class. Manuel and Saddam, they were always such conspicuous consumers."
Later Nib-Nedal was turned away by guards when he attempted to butt in on a line of mourners that was snaking through the well-kept homes and churches near the Library. "I dunno," said Bruno Hauptmann, a Simi Valley motorcycle patrolman, who pulled Nib-Nedal out of line and directed him to the nearest airport. "There was something strange about that guy. I could tell right away he was trouble, even if he did serve under Reagan," he mused. "But then a lot of strange people have turned up around here all week, saying the same thing. They can't all have worked for Reagan, now can they?" [by Sybil Drugwaar, 13 O'Clock Refined Poppy Products Market Reporter]
KOBE BLAMES THE COURTS FOR LOSS
(DETRASH, MACHINEGUN) "I know it looks like we were simply pissed on by the Pistons," said a still sweaty Kobe Bryant after losing the NBA Finals in five to the underdogs from Detroit, "but I blame the courts for their lousy scheduling." Bryant was referring to the fact that every time through the season when he had a court date on a game day and flew back just in time to suit up, he would have a stellar game. However during the NBA Finals the courts had no appearances scheduled for his rape case and the Laker guard now says he had trouble getting up for the game. Coach Phil Jackson put it more simply, "These guys kept thinking they were some sort of dynasty. Well, there's no dynasty when you die that nasty in the Finals! Screw these superstars and their fevered egos, I'm returning to Zen."
Other departures from the Lakers include Fish going to the Nets, George to Washington, Fox to the Wolves, Payton to the Pacers or the Poorhouse, and Shaq to the Jazz, but only if they change their name to The Rap or The Hip-Hop. Meanwhile Kobe Bryant says he might have to play for the Nuggets so he's closer to the Penitentiary, or perhaps he'll play for the Colorado Corrections Intra-Mural League. The new starting lineup for Los Angeles will be built around Kareem Rush and Slava Medvedenko, now known as the "Lakers Unloaded." [by Tre Segund-Vilashun, 13 O'Clock Zebra Monitor]
POPE TO THE DOPE: NO SOAP!
(VATICAN CITY, HEAVEN, CLOUDS, CONCEPTUALLAND, IT.) - It was arguably the most important stop among many important stops on American President George W. Bush's European "Tour of Necessary Evils." Originally dubbed "The Tour of Good Will," the name was changed by Bushette Karen Hughes when the entourage was only 10 minutes from Normandy.
"We don't want these people - Chirac, the Pope or any of them - getting the idea we like or respect them," explained a cheerfully superior Hughes during a break from her duty of carrying the Royal Hand Grenades and always being ready to turn around at a moment's notice so President Bush can use her back for signing important documents. "We just need them to shut up, do what we say and no one gets hurt. Well, not that we'd admit it if they did."
Not all European leaders have been falling at Bush's feet, however. The Pope, seen by many as the one person the President simply must cultivate if he is to have success in his bid to build a coalition for the invasions of all oil-producing Arab nations, had harsh words for the leader of the free world.
"Bush no wah wah dah dah!," exclaimed the Pontiff before a stunned crowd estimated at three, counting his full-time nurse. "Pooh-pooh-pooh-pooh!! Stiiiiiinky! Bad bad bad man!"
Vice President Dick Cheney, safely back home in Washington, took time out from his busy day remodeling the Oval Office to hand more no-bid contracts to his old firm Halliburton and take five of the nine Supreme Court Justices out to dinner in Louisiana. This has nothing to do with Bush, the Pope and Freedom Fries, but we thought someone should mention it. [by T. Kennedy, 13 O'Clock Demostenopool]
1,700 VIEWERS SEE IDOL FINALE
(RATINGS CITY, CALIFORNIA) Over 51 million viewers were glued to their television sets as Ross, Rachel and the rest of the Friends gang took their final bows last month. Over 25 million tuned in to say farewell to Frasier, Niles and the Seattle gang. American Idol's season finale was supposed to wipe them both out of the record books. Producers and network brass woke up to shocking news, however, when the ratings came in at just slightly under 1,700. To put that number into perspective, there are middle schools with twice that many kids in most suburbs. Millions of potential viewers missed an exciting showdown between the extremely popular Fruitopia and some perky white chick. When asked what he felt went wrong, a dazed and depressed Simon Cowell said "I don't quite know, really. Perhaps we should have hyped it a bit." The show has been renewed for next season anyway simply because the network execs have no ideas, no guts and therefore no interesting comedies or dramas lined up. (D.H. Pierce, 13 O'Clock Out-Of-Work Actor's Dept.)
CONSERVATIVES PUSH BACK HARD IN GAY MARRIAGES
(ST. PAUL, MINNESOTA) As Gays and Lesbians are being legally married in Massachusetts, conservatives have scored a major victory in proving their main point, that such marriage will destroy the very fabric of heterosexual marriages and therefore civilization. This morning, Justice Stanton E. Foulfellow of the Minnesota Supreme Court authored a decision allowing heterosexual divorce without paperwork, child support, or notification of spouse. The decision further states that Satan shall devour the souls of all heterosexuals and that it shall be on the heads of the homosexuals. Millions of heterosexuals, stuck in loveless marriages, began flocking to Minnesota by noon, hoping to receive their proof of divorce - a tiny bottle of brick dust representing the crumbling of society's fundamental building blocks - before anyone can file an appeal and shut down the Romney Catholic Church's divorce and bingo chapel. Thus far there have been few reports of our civilization crumbling, though we've just learned that all prints of the classic television series, Father Knows Best, have apparently turned blank. I'll have more on this story just as soon as I go divorce my shrew of a wife. Darn those gays. [by F. Gifford, on loan... from somewhere]
BUSH PROMISES ABUSERS WILL NOT GO UNPUNISHED(THE WESTERN FRATHOUSE, TEXAS) Seething over the ongoing Iraqi prisoner abuse scandal Resident Bush today vowed to punish all those responsible. "Look, I know why these guys were taking those pictures," he said. "They wanted to get caught so they could get court martialed and sent back home. That’s about the most dirty, underhanded thing I can think of, and it’s not going to work! Their sentence will be to stay in Iraq forever and not get rotated home at all. Let’s see if they can keep that bit of Texas chili down!" [by Juan Sommoradis, 13 O'Clock Miltary Police Policer]
NO PLAY FOR PAY IN LA TODAY(LOS ANGELES, CA) The porn industry has suffered another blow today as two more big, big stars were diagnosed HIV-Positive. The health crisis has shut down filming in the Los Angeles area, the industry's hot spot for Triple X film production, and it's costing millions of dollars every day the lids stay on the KY tubes. "We never thought this would happen to us," says industry pioneer Dick Sippins. "That's always something that happens to the other guy, you know? Why our industry? It's one of them there mysteries." Even among the few performers cleared to work, there has been an unexpected side effect of this medical scare. According to recent statistics, 54% of the 12% of all actors able to work aren't actually able at all because they're experiencing a 45 degree or greater decline. In angle. The preoccupation with HIV is ruining their concentration. Sippins, winner of 14 Slammy Awards - the porn industry's version of the Oscar - prefers a positive attitude. "Well, sure, as an industry, we're wounded and we're limping badly, but we've seen a lot of hard times in this business. God willing, we'll see hard times again." [by Rod Rocker, 13 O'Clock Angler]
LOTTO RESULTS
It's time once again to take out those tickets and cross those fingers as 13 O'Clock News weather man and recovering alcoholic, cocaine fiend and acid casualty A. Sid Brown reveals last night's winning numbers. Good luck, everyone!Okay, let's get this over with so I can get back to bed. The winning num... oh wait, the legal crap. The numbers were drawn last night under the strict supervision of representatives of the firm of yada yada yada... I'm tired, people. They drew the stupid numbers, I saw it, it was legal, here they are.
18
41
I... wanna say 28, but it could have been 38. Let me think... No, it was... I'll come back to that one.
Umm... Something in the high teens...
How many is that?
I'm certain the last number was 69. You don't forget a number like 69.
Okay, back to the third number. I'm pretty sure it was 38.
The other one was... something-teen. OH! The third number WASN'T 38!
But I don't remember what it actually was.Okay, if you've got a winning ticket, call the Lotto office by noon tomorrow to claim your prize. Congratulations to all winners. Now I'm going back to bed. Goodbye.
IRAQ ENTREPRENEURS SEIZE NEW ECONOMIC OPPORTUNITIES
(AL-SEEYUR-BHET, IRAQ) In response to seemingly endless demand for abuse pictures, a new sector of the pornography industry has opened up: Iraqi Prison Porn. Business has been brisk but the pictures are not always authentic. Apparently the media's voracious appetite sucked up all the available pictures of abused prisoners. As it was seeking others, counterfeit Iraqi prisoner abuse photos suddenly were flooding the market. "We do our best to make certain that we have only the highest quality prison porn that has not been faked by Al Qaeda, Fox News, Halliburton or the odd Shiite street vendor," said Ted Offal, a free lance reporter currently under contract with ABC. "We've had some bad experiences and we've learned our lessons. It’s now pretty obvious to our experts when the smut peddlers try to palm off a ten year old shot by the Hussein brothers. We want the real thing, prime prison porn made by Americans in Iraq, or at least Afghanistan." [by Abe Yusiv, 13 O'Clock Voyeur Watch]
PICTURES TOO MUCH FOR SOME
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Members of Congress have finished viewing hundreds of disturbing photographs and videos depicting abuse in Iraq's Abu Ghraib prison. The general feelings are of disgust and shame, and in fact many of the lawmakers were moved to the brink of tears. In the White House, President Bush seemed dazed after looking at only a dozen of the "dumbed down" versions of the photographs. The low number of pictures viewed by the President caused an initial barrage of questions and a sense of outrage from a public becoming increasingly aware of the reputation that has earned Mr. Bush the nickname "Incurious George" among insiders. However, it was explained by Vice President Cheney that only twelve frames can be fitted onto a ViewMaster disc. The shaken President was being put down for the night at press time, though he would not agree to go until the First Lady promised to leave the bedroom lights on. More on these pictures as they develop. [M. Poppins, 13 O'Clock White House NannyScan Dept.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. And trust us, you can't. The news is faked, the pictures are faked. Don't let it bother you. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. You shouldn't trust a word of that, either, but we'll bring it to you just the same. Thank you.