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We've been sitting here on the rooftop of the Cosmik Towers... well, okay, just the left
one, but we're sitting here freezing our butts off waiting for the arrival of one John
Sekerka. Why, you might ask, would we wait out here when there's central heating in the
plush Cosmik offices? Because our Mr. Sekerka is going to attempt to land on this rooftop
in something designed to resemble a sleigh, delivering to us a special Christmas article
reviewing some holiday tunes, and frankly, this I gotta see. We all do. There are several
of us up here.
Shaun's got a flask of something over yonder, Eric is under so many layers
of parka that we're beginning to suspect he's not actually in there at all, and Melanie...
well, for some reason she's standing here in a t-shirt, seemingly unaffected by it all.
We all scan the sky, but we see nothing. As curiosity turns to aggrivation that turns to
anger that eventually turns to frostbite, Rusty opens the roof door and informs us that
Mr. Sekerka has just faxed the article in, along with an 8x11 sheet of paper with the
word "gotcha!" written in giant letters. Bah... humbug. Here's his article. It's not
like the Cosmik Guides To Christmas CD Shopping that we used to do. Those were designed
to show you what was brand new in the Christmas bin. This is simply a list of what will
be spinning at the Sekerka place up there in the great white north known as... wait, it'll
come to me... Canecuador? Well anyway, that place just above the USA.
RUPAUL
Ho Ho Ho (Rhino)
Who better to spruce up that dull family Christmas gathering than America's favourite cross-dresser RuPaul? Imagine the look on grandpa's face when you reveal the true gender of the buxomly model he's spying on the cover. Ho ho ho is right. As camp goes, this little stocking stuffer takes the cake. RuPaul may not be much of a singer, but he knows how to vamp it up to good effect, and really, isn't half the show presentation anyway? I must admit that his husky voice is wonderful on the very funky "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch". Then there's "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer", which gets a quick make-over. Add some dance floor beats, change the words a little ("RuPaul the Drag Queen") and presto girl, you've yourself a real party. Oh it's all very naughty, but you won't be able to help yourself. Just be prepared to do a lot of explaining to the various generations at your yuletide gathering. What with "I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus" and all. Recommended for uncle Terry, who nobody is really sure about.
VARIOUS ARTISTS
Natty & Nice (Rhino)
A reggae Christmas comp is the perfect icicle melter for the Scrooge in you. No matter how schmaltzy, you can't help but be swayed by the warmth emanating from the likes of Lee Scratch Perry, Toots & The Maytals and The Kingstonians. Among the traditionals are a couple of welcome groaners: "Rudolph The Reggae Reindeer" and "Santa Claus is Skaing to Town". Besides all the fun and merriment is a stand out version of "Happy XMas (War is Over)" which sounds like it was truly meant to be a reggae number. Recommended for winter-hating cousin Marvin.
TINY TIM
Christmas Album (Rounder)
As a parting gift before leaving this place, Tiny Tim recorded the greatest Christmas album of all time. If there's a holiday classic, you'll find it here. Is there anything that says Christmas more than Tiny crooning his scratchy falsetto, plucking his battered ukulele and occasionally piping in with a deep baritone lecture on the evils in the world today? Skip on over to the, um, very unique eight minute medley, in which Tiny interrupts "Silent Night" to give all sinners a tongue lashing. Comes with tinsel too. Recommended for the good reverend Felsner.
THE SONICS, THE WAILERS, THE GALAXIES
Merry Christmas (Etiquette)
Originally released back in the Northwest punk heyday of 1965, this garagy gem pits three bands on one slab of holiday cheer. It's a hit and miss collection that features some sappy Beatles like ballads (The Galaxies) and ripping rawkers (The Sonics), with The Wailers somewhere in between. A nice time warp you'll cherish just for the kicking "Santa Claus", but the real hidden gem here is The Wailers' saucy and contemptuous Bob Dylan (complete with acoustic guitar strum and tambourine) take on "Christmas Spirit??". "Rush home with a tree, half withered half green, strangle it to death with tinsel / Pay a dollar ninety-eight for a ten cent reef, hang it on your door to make it look useful", c'mon everybody! Recommended for younger smartass brother Chuck.
VARIOUS ARTISTS
Happy Birthday Baby Jesus (VOL. 1 & 2) (Sympathy For The Record Industry)
Without a doubt the hardest rocking Christmas record of all time. Sample the line-up: Rocket From The Crypt, Devil Dogs, The Muffs, Quadrajets, New Bomb Turks, Humpers, Supersuckers .... whew! There's so much rock here they needed another CD to complete the package. There's something here for every deviant. Even instro nuts get their day with Man Or Astro-Man? torturing "Frosty the Snowman", and The Bomboras revving up "Little Drummer Boy". But there's no denying the grandest holiday cover of all time as El-Vez roars through a very fuzzy "Feliz-Navi-nada (sic)". He starts it off with the opening strains of "Public Image" before launching into his Mexican Elvis schtick. If Jose Feliciano were dead, he'd roll over in his grave. Recommended for big sister Tanya.
EDDIE G.
Christmas Party With Eddie G. (Columbia)
The ultimate Christmas party record. Just press play and head for the egg nog, cuz Eddie G. does the rest. Classic rock, lounge and soul music by the likes of Rufus Thomas, Louis Prima and Foghat(!), will turn any gathering into the social event of the year. Comes with silly comedy bits linking the tunes, so it sounds like a crack radio special from days gone by. Includes the teenage doo-wop classic "Donde Esta Santa Claus" by the long lost Augie Rios. Come back Augie, we miss you. Recommended for the folks: Stan and Audrie.
JAYMZ BEE & THE ROYAL JELLY ORCHESTRA
A Christmas Cocktail (Milan / BMG)
Hot on the lounge craze ticket, genre hopper Jaymz Bee grabbed a martini in one hand, a cigar in the other and declared himself Canada's cocktail guru. Not a bad fad idear, since the bachelor pad set were in full swing. But now as the cigar smoke clears and Mr. Bee is inevitably onto something else, all we have left is a bunch of stinky records. Good fun records of the forgettable variety, that come in handy on special occasions. Take "A Christmas Cocktail" for instance. Here's a baker's dozen yuletide offerings done up in grandiose schmaltz. Lot's of piano tinkles, sultry horns, martini glasses clinking and plenty of smug winks. Hidden among the tongue-in-cheekers are a couple of genuine nuggets. A steamy version of "Winter Wonderland", and a Las Vegas style "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" make this one worth digging for. For the most part it's the Beehive Singers doing a Swingle Singers take on the classics, which ain't such a bad thing. Recommended for your retro crazy neighbours Wally and Dot.
VARIOUS ARTISTS
Jingle Cats (BMG)
You'll be hard pressed to find a more diabolical Christmas record. This is guaranteed to clear any party of unwanted in-laws/neighbours before the cats can meow their way through "Jingle Bells". Apparently quite popular with the suburban pet set, since there have been a couple of sequels (yes, dogs are included). Recommended for Whiskers and Spot.
ARTHUR AND FRIENDS
Arthur's Perfect Christmas (Rounder)
Mixing material from the television special with yuletide standards is a can't miss proposition for the tiny set. Arthur and D.W. squabble between tunes, and Binky pipes in with "I'm Not Scared of Santa". "It's Kwanza Time!", "Chanukah, Oh Chanukah" and "Nu Är Det Jul Igen" bring an international flavour. Recommended for Lars and Inga, the visiting Swedish toddler twins.
VARIOUS ARTISTS
Yuletide Soiree (Rhino)
Another of those swank Rhino party packs just chock fulla goodies: party invites, fruitcake recipes, themes (Tree Trimming Party for 12), decoration ideas, song books, two yummy CDs worth of X-Mas classics and a couple of instro tunes that you can carol along to. Bing Crosby, Doris Day, Burl Ives, Chuck Berry, The Ventures, The Chipmunks, Eartha Kitt, Charles Brown, Spike Jones among others, grace these sides. It's about as complete a collection as you could ask for. So ask for it. Recommended for Scroogy grandpa.
NANA MOUSKOURI
The Christmas Album (Mercury / Phillips)
Has Nana ever disappointed? You know what you get, an angelic voice, plush orchestration, flawless production and that timeless face. Don't dwell on the fact that Nana has perfect skin (her make-up artist gets a well deserved credit) and jet black hair, just enjoy that ageless voice while perfecting that nativity scene on the front lawn. Recommended for Nana of course.
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