By David G. Walley
Idiot's Delight

Many years ago, back in the Sixties as a matter of fact, there was a wonderful anti-war movie called "How I Won the War", an English spoof of all kinds of WWII movies/epics. In its cheeky irreverence it starred Michael Crawford, and John Lennon, in a significant role of Corporal Gripweed and was how a schnook/screwup Colonel Blimp of an officer winds up becoming a hero (not so far fetched), the kind of an officer who sacrifices his men for no good reason save the fact that he's just non compos mentis. It's also the story of this company of men who put up with this fool and manage to survive. But anyway, in the latter stages of the movie, Lennon/Gripweed, a very laid-back and spaced-out soldier is walking across a field, and gets hit by an errant shot. He looks dead-pan and surprised at the camera, and says, "I knew this was gong to happen, you knew this was gong to happen." and he dies.

This is analogous to the situation I think that Americans find themselves viewing the dismal aftermath of a particularly brain-deadening Presidential election campaign, how I've been feeling about the post-election follies of the deaf and dumb twins Algore and Dybyah, this comedy of errors. At any rate, gentle readers, you knew I was going to write something along this lines, and from my perspective, it's better to be a monthly pundit instead of a weekly or daily one. Better that I can stand back a bit from the fray, survey the battlefield. Most obviously this election was not the most lively or passionate of contests; and the electorate showed its disapproval, or bare interest by splitting the vote down the middle. What should be obvious to thinkers beyond the Beltway is that neither party is well thought of, so there's already trouble in River City as they say. There are enough Republicans out there who are less than enthusiastic about Dubyah, doubly so since November 7th. If they were waiting for their man to "act presidential", i.e. magnanimous in victory, or at least vowing to bow to the will of the people, they were mistaken, shocked, and distressed. And the thought has crept into the minds of the faithful that of course one can lose while winning. If Dubyah "wins" (and it looks that way presently), it will take many, many months of hard spinning by his spinmeisters to counteract the humongous amount of bad PR which his actions have fomented. (Can actions foment anything, especially those of an empty hat? forget I said that.)

As I've said in these pages previously, it was Algore's election to lose, not Dubyah's to win; and mirabu dicta!, he made what would have been in ordinary times, a solid win, as the political wisdom always backs the candidate who has the economy behind him, into a squeaker which at press time, into a loss. And he conversely doesn't realize that he can win by losing---it's not as if he's going to the poorhouse, get thrown out of his house, won't have a job, etc. You run for President, you lose, you can either run again, or go to the Kennedy School of Government, make your $175,000 a year and talk about it for that matter. But really, he's better off stepping back from this one, conceding even if he knows in his heart of heart and the ballots might (if allowed to be counted) back his contention up. In truth, he's got to realize that whoever's President is not going to be ruling with any kind of a mandate: the congress is going to be divided, it's gridlock all over or still. Wait two years for the bi-elections, and run again if he must, or maybe, just step back and let someone else have a shot, some new blood. Maybe the sponsor of the debates should have been Geritol??

But let's talk about electoral politics for a moment, let's get real, something that the Beltway bandits are loath to do, and consider what the sainted man on the street, and the rest of us already knows about politics in the state and local level, and which seems to be something which escapes my higher paid colleagues of the Fifth Estate: Within every state is a county, and within the county are some districts, and within those districts are some precincts where all kinds of shit goes on, all the time, the kind and quality depending on who's in power and who's out of it. The chicanery translates into lost ballots, double counted votes, dead voters being born anew. We can name the likely suspects if we put our mind to it in Chicago, New York City, Troy, New York, Atlanta, New Orleans, the list is long and colorful. It ain't Miami's Dade county alone. Not to mention that statistical anomaly that maybe one percent of the votes in this last election were trash, invalid right from the get go. More than a million and a half votes, all of which adds up.

One side claims the other side "stole" the election. I like that, "stole", if we're going to have an election, why allow the Democrats and Republicans to thwart the will of ALL the candidates represented, all the other major parties out there who were collecting federal monies. OK, so it might have been a spectacle of impossible and silly proportions to have Nader and Buchanan on the same bill with Gush and Bore, but at least it wouldn't have been so boring and predictable. You pays your money and you should expect to see your cherse on teevee.

And if we're going to unpack that two party metaphor of "stealing" the election, what do you think would be the effect on the venerable two party if there was a standardized ballot in all fifty states, a ballot which worked the same whether it was chad-ridden, electronic, or pencil checked. Remember making ballots confusing is an old and honorable way of "stealing" elections as any political scientist worth his salt would tell you--that is if the talking heads bothered to ask them. The fact that ballots can be downright confusing works always to the advantage of the party is power, not that turnaround is any better or fairer play. As with primary reform, it all indicates that the System simply stinks and needs to be fixed, modified, opened up. Playing on a level playing field in politics, now there's a concept to reckon with! I'm not qualified to get into the whys and wherefores of reforming the electoral college, it's certainly not a fit subject for my readers listening to streaming radio while reading this. First of all it's extraordinarily complicated, and secondly less effective than what I've mentioned above. In truth, ballot reform which would take care of all kinds of issues. Putting the maintenance of voting machines into the hands of non-partisan groups would also be a help, but then again I have this bridge to unload in Brooklyn if you follow me.

I realize that calling my December column "Idiot's Delight" is not entirely keeping with the pickle we're in. But still we can devour this pickle. Rest assured we'll have a President by January 21st, and also rest assured, whoever he is, half the electorate (more or less) is not going to like him, that's what happened with JFK and Richard Nixon in that squeaker. And shucks, somehow we survived 12 years of Reagan (Reagan plus Dubyah, Sr.), we'll survive the son. I knew this would happen, and so did you, unfortunately neither choice is particularly edifying, that's politics surely.

If's we're truly enlightened, though, we should take the high road and let the high priced lawyers, befouling themselves in the pigpens of the supreme courts, besmirch themselves and the Constitution while we watch. It's not the end of the world to have either of these clowns represent us or US; it's the beginning of a newer one, really. We needed to have this brisk wet fish smacked across our collective faces to finally understand that politics as usual is no longer acceptable. And instead of fighting about who stole what from whom, let's make sure that the next time we'll have a fairer representation of the American voter's mind. Of course it would help if we had some candidates to go along with this pleasant dream, but I guess I have to be patient.


(C) 2000 - David G. Walley