THE 50 COMMANDMENTS

Happy Holidays! Oh sorry, you don't seem to be that happy, in fact you look downright... paranoid! Why is it that we can't seem to enjoy ourselves anymore?

I'm sure our collective paranoia has nothing to do with the constant barrage of terrorist warnings. The most recent revelation has got us all upset over the threat of stinger missiles taking out an airliner. Gee, maybe George Bush the Elder, Ollie North and the CIA shouldn't have entered the used missile business back in the 80's. Why are we still listening to those guys? And then there's our Resident, inching us closer to war in spite of our inspectors finally being on the ground in Iraq. So far the process has been peaceful but will they really find anything? I'd be very surprised if they did. After all they've got Saddam trying to prove a negative, always a good trick. One Iraqi spokesperson said that anyone in the Western media who said that Iraqis had weapons of mass destruction was telling a "false lie." I loved that, a double negative. A lie that is false is means that it's true, Hakim. Maybe we'll just have to wait out Saddam Hussein, just like we're doing to Fidel Castro.

Heck, why am I still moaning about all that? It seems like I'm headed down the same old road this month; let's see if there's something in the news that's a little bit more appropriate to this column's supposed philosophical subject matter in the news. Hmm, Democrats Forget How To Run An Election, Editorial On Mohammed Liking Beauty Queens Sparks Riot That Kills 200, Michael Jackson Acts Even Weirder Than Usual, Resident Bush Bails Out Insurance Industry... damn! These headlines are too much like the 13 O'Clock News! Oh here's a good one, Alabama Judge Forced To Remove Ten Commandments From Courthouse.

Chief Justice Roy Moore in Alabama decided to ignore the Constitutional separation of Church and State and set up a granite plaque in front of his courthouse with the Ten Commandments on them. He set it up in the dead of night, I guess because he was so certain his convictions would be supported by everyone. Later when he was forced to take it down he said knew it would be controversial, but he insisted The Commandments were the basis of all our laws. No, Roy, every culture has injunctions that prohibit adultery, murder and stealing. There's a fair amount from the Roman system but American law is mostly based on English law. We owe as much to the Babylonian Code Of Hammurabi as to the Bible's Nine, Ten, Eleven or Thirty Commandments.

Oh goody! I love it when your eyebrows go up that high. Aren't there only Ten Commandments you ask? Well, just like the fact that there is no THE Bible, there's a little bit of discrepancy on what the Ten Commandments exactly are.

Pop Quiz - Can you recite the Ten Commandments? No dragging fair dragging out your video of the movie where Charleton Heston as Moses is handing them out! It won't help anyway. Cecil B. DeMill made sure there's a convenient cutaway in the middle of the sequence where Yahweh's fireballs are cutting the tablets for Moses.

Stumped? Maybe I should ask an easier question. Where are they in the Bible? You say they're in Leviticus with all the rules about rituals? Sorry. Deuteronomy? No, dude, but close. Actually the traditional passage is in Exodus Chapter 20. (And don't worry, I had to look up exactly where the Ten Commandments were too.) The problem is that Moses never made a nice Powerpoint presentation, so the Commandments are not conveniently listed with bullet points. That's where the problem starts. Here's the list of Commandments you'll find in Chapter 20, which I've paraphrased into Modern English:

1. You shall have no other Gods before Me.
2. You shall not make any graven (carved) images of animals to worship.
3. You shall not bear a false oath in the name of God (AKA use God's name in vain).
4. Keep The Sabbath Holy, don't do any work that day.
5. Honor your Father and Mother.
6. You shall not kill.
7. You shall not commit adultery.
8. You shall not steal.
9. You shall not lie about your neighbors (AKA bear false witness).
10. You shall not covet your neighbor's house.
11. You shall not covet your neighbor's wife, his servants, his ox, his ass, or anything else that is your neighbor's.

OOPS! That's, eleven isn't it? Well, that's what's in Chapter 20.

The problem lies in the fact that the first two are on the same subject and are sometimes run together to make ten even though they are in separate verses. Sometimes they count as two though and the last two are run together because they are in the same verse, but separate sentences. If you run both sets together you get only nine! I guess you could run the two about lying together and make only eight if you wanted. But wait, Sparky, there's more! There's another verse at the end of the chapter that could easily be taken as a Commandment - If you make a stone altar, you shall not carve on the stones, that makes twelve!

And by the way there's no mention of stone tablets in Chapter 20. The tablets show up in Chapter 32. And by that point, Exodus has enumerated, er, not enumerated but given, lots more commandments, and several that are often thought to be among the "Ten." Things like:

13. An eye for an eye, a hand for a hand, a foot for a foot. (Exodus 21)
14. If a man strikes his servant with his staff, he shall be punished. (Exodus 21)
15. If an ox gores a man or a woman, kill the ox and don't eat its meat, but the owner shall be held blameless. (Exodus 21)
16. If a man entices a virgin who is not betrothed and has sex with her, he must marry her. (Exodus 22)
17. Whoever has sex with an animal shall be put to death. (Exodus 22)
18. If you lend money to the poor, you shouldn't charge too much. (Exodus 22)
19. You shall not pervert justice due a poor man in his lawsuit. (Exodus 23)
20. You shouldn't harm a widow or an orphan. (Exodus 22)
21. You shall not suffer a witch to live. (Exodus 22)
22. You shall not oppress strangers. (Exodus 22 and 23)
23. If you meet your enemy's ox or ass gone astray, you shall return it to him. (Exodus 23)
24. You shall not follow a crowd to do evil. (Exodus 23)
25. Three times a year you shall celebrate a festival for God. (Exodus 23)
26. The best of the first fruits you grow you shall offer to God. (Exodus 22 and 24)

I've left out many that are variations on similar themes. There are LOTS of pronouncements about servants and oxen in Exodus Chapter 21 alone. If you take in all the rules in Exodus 20 through 24 there must be fifty or more Commandments. I wonder which ten Judge Moore put up?

Another good example of Biblical non-clarity happened a couple days ago. I had finished reading The Adventures Of Huckleberry Finn to my kids and I was thinking about what to read next. Since it's December I decided to read the New Testament's Christmas Story, because all their knowledge of Jesus's birth has come through secondary sources. Actually, I've been on a Bible reading project for the last ten years. I've read it slowly, even making notes, and I finally got through all the Old Testament a couple months ago. This was my project's first foray into the New Testament. Anyway I wanted to read the kids the passages on the Nativity, just so they don't get the idea that Santa Claus 2 is somewhere in the New Testament.

I've been a heretic a long time but I still remembered the Gospel According to Saint Matthew starts out with a Christmas story. Saint Luke has another Christmas story. Saint Mark and Saint John don't. I read the kids the first two Chapters of Matthew one night and the first two chapters of Luke the next.

Matthew starts off with a genealogy that says Jesus is related through Joseph to King David and much further back, to the patriarch Abraham himself. Then it goes into the story of the virgin birth. Already I have problems (does that mean he's Joseph's son or God's son), but I kept reading. When Matthew gets to the story of the Nativity, it's the familiar story of the three wise men, the star, and frankincense and myrrh. Herod commits an atrocity and Joseph and Mary escape to Egypt, no small trek in those days.

The next night I read Luke's first two chapters. Instead of a genealogy this time there's a story about a different miracle birth, the birth of John to a woman that Mary eventually meets, Elizabeth. I had no idea that was there. Only after that story does Luke settle down to the well known story of an angel visiting Mary, and the requirement to visit Bethlehem where their manger is the only place left to stay. Then several shepherds are told by an angel to go visit the baby Jesus. There's no wise men, no star, no flight to Egypt and no Herod killing babies in Luke. Conversely there's no manger, animals or even Bethlehem in Matthew.

I never realized until now how completely different these two accounts are. The Bible's like that. The Churches will tell you to read it, but when you really do, you often get more confused. I guess that's how the churches stay in business; their how-to manual is so vague once you read it you need to consult their experts to understand it.

But I think I can get by without them. There's obviously a lot of good things in the Bible, but there are also a lot of things that are superstitious, demeaning to women or just plain old and out of date. The smarter theologians long ago recognized that Scripture is not the direct dictation of God, that it's the work of many different hands, yet obviously it does have its inspired moments. Scriptural Law has definitely affected our culture like Judge Moore says; for one I think it's responsible for the strong current of charity in our culture. Unfortunately it has also caused more than a few witch burnings over the centuries and most people still forget to return those stray oxen to their enemies or anyone else.

Okay okay, in the modern world it's not oxen, it's the pair of Nikes left outside the gym locker or it's the Busta Rhymes CD that dropped out of a backpack. Jesus himself warned against taking Scripture too literally.

[Pictured: After drinks have been served at a Southern Baptist wing-ding, a grumpy Judge Moore begins to order people to pull his finger.]

And to reply about Judge Moore's need to post whichever Ten Commandments he enumerates as a Southern Baptist, all I can say is that he works in a public building and there are more than just Christians in our public. One of the other Commandments was not to oppress strangers, right? Multiculturalism and multireligionism (including ALL the various flavors of Christianity, not just Southern Baptists) are part of the foundation of America. It's been our strength that we can get along with all kinds of others in this country.

Read the Bible yes, just read it with open eyes and an open heart. And don't do it just because it's Christmastime.

Damn, it is Christmastime isn't it? The company party's today and I'm supposed to be mixing up the Three Hole Punch for it; I'd better get moving. I especially don't want to miss it this year because there's supposed to be a great guest speaker, a Mr. Nick Claus, speaking about why we can't enjoy our elves any more. Gotta go back into the Closet right now and get ready! Thanks for reading and until next month the Closet is closed.

(C) 2002 - Rusty Pipes

Official Disclaimer: The Publisher and Editors of Cosmik Debris Magazine faithfully follow the 51st commandment, which is worded in indecipherable legalese but which works out to mean "Thou shalt not hang thy ass out on the line by admitting to agreeing with anything your resident philosopher sayeth, amen." We don't know what we just said, but we're almost sure it could keep us out of at least a few courtroom dramas. We asked our board of directors if they'd rather we pursue integrity or safety, it was unanimously voted that we follow the 51st commandment, so sayeth the board, amen. Thank you.