UKRAINIAN ELECTIONS AN EMBARRASSMENT
(KIEV, UKRAINE) Leaders from around the globe have almost unanimously condemned the handling and outcome of this week's Ukrainian elections, which resulted in a win for Prime Minister Viktor Yanukovych despite almost universal hatred for him in the region. "Exit poll show 100 percent for opposition leader Viktor Yushchenko," said Vladimir Putin's Secretary of Corruption, Rasputin Popurhedoff, "but nobody counted on big turnout from former KGB. That make swing, yeah, to big, big win for our boy." Asked how his government would deal with the thousands of Ukranian citizens who are either rioting or peacefully striking to protest what is clearly a rigged election, Popurhedoff was vague. "What citizens are those? I won't know of any citizens of which you may speak."
The European Union, the United Nations and George W. Bush have all made public statements condemning the election as a sham. The Bush Administration sent aid to the Ukraine in the form of 63,000 Diebold electronic voting machines, which the Ukrainians hope to use in a re-vote next week, should Putin allow it. One polling place set a machine up and tested it this morning, demonstrating how it worked by casting one vote for Yushchenko. Local officials are optimistic about the machines, though they don't understand why the test produced 32,184 votes for George W. Bush, who isn't even a candidate in the Ukraine.
"We've given them all the tools they need," said President Bush, speaking from poolside at his Crawford, Texas ranch. "Now it's up to them to have a real, American-style election, with a real, American-style outcome. I mean a different American-style outcome than the last one." [By Mark N. Lennon, 13 O'Clock Cold War Specialist.]
CONSOLATION GIFTS SHOW NO
HARD FEELINGS AFTER ELECTION
(WASHINGTON, DC) After President Bush was re-elected on November 3rd, 2004, the administration stated that there were no hard feelings after the knock-down, drag-‘em-out fight that sometimes bordered on viciousness. In the spirit of cooperation and reconciliation, and to show that they were willing to let bygones be bygones, the newly formed Department of Localization, with help from the Republican Party, announced that as a consolation gift, Democrats, Blacks, homosexuals, and liberals would be given blue jackets with the letter D, B, H, or L boldly emblazoned on the right shoulder. In addition, an RFID (radio-frequency identification) tag is sewn into each jacket so that the user can rest assured that the government is making sure that the jacket can’t be lost or misplaced. "A low-powered radio signal is emitted from the RFID tag so that our equipment, distributed around the country, can keep track of the whereabouts of each jacket," Department of Localization spokesperson Mike Wiretapp explains. "We can locate any jacket in just seconds using radio triangulation. Our computers keep a database of all the jackets and their locations at any given time."
The Department of Localization is also providing Democrats, Blacks, homosexuals, liberals, Jews, and Muslims special papers to carry at all times so that they can quickly identify themselves when traveling. "These are better than driver’s licenses," says Wiretapp, adding, "They include the person's home address, employer’s name, political party affiliation, religion, nationality, banking data, and other helpful information."
In a related move, the Department of Localization is launching "Operation Safer America," in which some citizens will be asked to voluntarily stay off the streets between dusk and dawn, for their own safety. "According to our statistics, Blacks, Jews, homosexuals, and members of the press are safer during daylight hours," says Wiretapp. "Therefore, we are urging them to stay indoors at night for their own safety. We urge them to wear their new blue jackets so that we can track the jackets and make sure that they have not been removed from the owners’ homes without proper authorization." The Department of Localization will be offering free rides in police cars for anyone wearing a blue jacket on the streets during nighttime hours, and they will be kept safely in the nearest police lockup until morning, when they will be allowed to go to their homes, workplaces, and other destinations. [By Herrmann Cheney, 13 O'Clock Department of Relocation Preparation.]
COMEDIANS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ELECTION(IMPROV, CA) The Union of Monologists, Standups, Barroom Kidders, Iconoclasts and Dreadful Nattering Nabobs today claimed that it was their votes for Resident Bush that pushed him over the top in the recent election. "Basically for us it was a jobs issue," said UMSBKIDNN President Maury Fritzhiffler, who performs under the name Sir Laff-A-Lot, "We knew with Bush we'd have plenty of new material to work with, but Kerry, well, let's face it, he's just not that funny. 'We're going to hunt down Osama Bin Laden and kill him' what can you do with a line like that? But with Bush, well, for example he said the other day that he was so happy to have a mandate finally. And we all thought he was against men dating!" Fritzhiffler then reached to trigger a rim shot on his drum machine, but instead lost his balance and fell headlong into a pile of cream pies that he had waiting in case conservative columnist Ann Coulter happened to walk by. Standing up again the part time comic, originally from Stoopidville, Ohio, said "believe me, the members of UMSBKIDNN are all socially liberal, and against everything this guy stands for but it's kinda like we're addicted to the gaffs and bald faced lies he gives us. To a comedian it's like spun gold! With Kerry it would have been four years of 'why the long face?' We have to eat you know. By the way did you hear he blames his wife the condiment heiress for his loss? Yeah, she wouldn't let him use any of her money so he couldn't ketchup in the polls!" [by Saul Yerfalt, 13 O'Clock Blame Fixer]
FALWELL LAYS OUT AGENDA FOR 2nd TERM(CRACKERVILLE, GEORGIA) "America will now go forward, with our great leader George W. Bush at the wheel and blacks and gays at the back of the bus, as the good Lord intended," said Reverend Jerry Falwell, speaking to reporters from the Tulip Garden of the Southern White House.
Falwell echoed the sentiments of 54 million homophobic voters who re-elected Bush and vice president Dick Cheney on November 2nd. In past years, Falwell often found himself in trouble for making extreme statements, a situation he is now pleased to be putting in the rear view mirror.
"God bless America and George Bush, for I'll no longer be oppressed," said the former bigot and current Secretary of National Morality. "Nor will you. Your agenda will now be pursued, and I promise you that by the end of the year we shall have prayer in schools, where they will no longer teach the blasphemous lies of evolution, and blacks will be required to comply with a new law we call The Comfortable Names Act."
Reverend Falwell referred to a bill he is authoring with outgoing senator Zell Miller (Nazi, Georgia) that would automatically change the names of all black people, male or female, to Abraham.
"It's a good, Biblical name. They can cough up the money to change it to anything they want from the White House approved list, but until then, they'll all be named Abraham," explained the Reverend. "First of all, they should show some respect for that name because that do gooder, Abraham Lincoln, freed them for some reason. But the main thing is nobody's comfortable with the stupid names those people give their children. Theotis? Donniticia? I was watching a football game the other day and I heard Plaxico. Now what in heaven's name is that all about?"
When asked why the bill includes a rider changing the names of all Jews named Abraham to Peter, Falwell declined to comment. President Bush could not be reached for comment on any of these issues because he's vacationing on his ranch. [By Abraham Peters, 13 O'Clock Concentration Camp Front Desk]
DEPARTURES FROM BUSH CABINET MOUNT(WASHINGBRAIN, DC) After the departures of the Secretary of State, the Attorney General, the Secretary of Education and the Secretary of Agriculture were announced, Karl Rove reportedly found Resident Bush in the bedroom of White House residence packing his belongings and getting ready to leave too, according to sources in the White House who refused to be identified. "At sight of so many of his advisors cleaning out their desks, Bush apparently got the idea that recent recounts had not gone his way and he'd lost the election," claimed the source. "Rove even had to call Secret Service men to restrain Bush, but I hear he's fine now after a shot of Thorazine." When his office was contacted for corroboration, Karl Rove said that the entire incident was untrue and the Resident was simply having an anxiety attack at the prospect of having to think up so many new pet names for new Cabinet members. [by Dee P. Throat, 13 O'Clock Karl Roving Reporter]
MORE DEMOCRACY TO SPREAD(WASHINGTON, DC) As the dust begins to settle after President Bush's stunning election, 18 to 25 year old men and women began to receive summons for "jury duty in Iraq." Donald Weiss is a 23 year old employee of Blockbuster Video, married with one son and a child on the way. His job shaming people for not rewinding only pays minimum wage and he doesn't get full time hours. For the past year he volunteered for the Democratic National Committee and was a John Kerry delegate. "Vice President Cheney hand delivered my summons," says a clearly shocked Weiss, his voice a mixture of fear and anger. "Jury duty in Iraq? When the juries there are Iraqi? You don't have to be a genius to figure this one out."
"Read my lips," said an annoyed President Bush, "there will be no draft. There might be some jury duty in Iraq, and maybe Iran and North Korea. And France. France really pisses me off." Asked if this could be called "a back door jury selection," the president just scowled and pointed, following which the offending reporter was dragged from the room by the Secret Service, He has not been seen since.
Whether or not the "jury duty" is actually a draft matters little. We need boots on the ground if we're going to spread democracy, and it's a sure bet people aren't going to enlist anymore. Most of our brave troops are already spread thinly between Afghanistan and Iraq, leaving no one to invade other countries. We must remember that our great leader was elected by a huge turnout of white evangelical Christians with a morality agenda. Now, at long last, the bible is on the march in America and abortionists, Darwinians, scientists and homosexuals are on the retreat. In short, this is the time to gather our forces and strike, because now that we are a theocracy, we have all that leftover democracy to spread through the world, Remember: Ask no questions, do your part. [By Billy Goebbels, 13 O'Clock and all's well]
PRESIDENT APPOINTS TASK FORCE(WASHINGTON, DC) Amid growing concerns that electronic voting machines may have been "hacked" in order to give President Bush an unfair advantage in the recent election, several prominent senators and congressmen have called for an investigation. President Bush acted quickly to put the rumors to rest and assure the nation that he wanted the truth. This afternoon the President appointed eight people to a task force to be led by Walden O'Dell, CEO of the Diebold Corporation, makers of one of the machines in question. Readers may recall that O'Dell, an official in the Bush campaign team in Ohio, was quoted last year saying he pledged to do everything in his power to deliver the state of Ohio to President Bush. The president named O'Dell to chair the task force after "running it by" the senate, congress and supreme court. None of the three parts of the "checks and balances" system saw any conflict of interest, the official verdicts being "Sounds good, chief" (senate), "Brilliant, GW, simply brilliant!" (congress) and "You go, girl!" (Antonin Scalia). The rest of the task force is made up of apparent newcomers, unknowns like Dick Tracy, Donald Duck and Fred Flintstone. The meetings will be held in secret according to the newly passed Cheney Law, which mandates that all government meetings be held in secret and no records be kept. We think this is perfectly reasonable. Remember: Ask no questions, do your park. [By Billy Goebbels, 13 O'Clock and all's well]
FORD TO BE HONORED WITH COIN
(NEW YORK, NY) Former president Gerald R. Ford may not get much respect from historians, but the Republicans haven't forgotten him. In an effort to raise awareness of the 91 year old's tenure in the oval office after history tests revealed that fewer than 1% of all high school seniors had even heard of him, republicans have been pushing to replace any democrat on any coin with Ford. At the first sign of resistance from house democrats, however, the republicans walked away from the fight. "It's just Ford, after all," said Mavis Stommpington (R-Texas). "We really can't get too worked up over this." A compromise was reached this morning when the city of New York agreed to mint their subway tokens with Ford's visage on one side. "Did they? I wasn't aware," admitted Zigfried Himmler (R-Georgia). "Frankly, we're busy gearing up to put Reagan on the one, five, ten, the twenty and all children's lunch boxes." Asked if he felt that symbolically burying Ford in a subway was a low blow, Himmler dismissed the question with a shrug. "It's really not about that. I think it's more about the concept of the 'token.' " [by Nancy Davis, SAG queen]
2005 SENATE TO SPORT NEW OLD LOOK(WASHINGTON, DC) Incoming republican senators met today in Washington to make general plans for the first sessions in January. Among the topics discussed: taking nice offices away from Democratic senators, giving themselves their first pay raise in advance, and making Roman senatorial togas the official dress code for Republicans, "It sends a strong message from strong people," says incoming senator Bubba Whitehack (R-Louisiana). "We're conquering nations, building an empire, and we need to dress like it." senator John McCain (R-Hanoi) isn't so sure. "Don't look at me! Please! Just stop looking at me!" The dress code would have to pass a vote in the senate, but with the majority now enjoyed by the republicans, all senate votes are just a formality. "I'm not looking forward to this," says a dejected senator John Kerry (D-Exile). "Making the democrats wear Roman slave garb, well I think they're just trying to make us all quit." [By Julius Sassoon, 13 O'Clock New Centurion]
WHITE EVANGELICALS FINALLY GET REVENGE(ZION NAT'L PARK) Karl Rove, the George Bush advisor credited with rallying millions of white religious voters this election year, is keeping his methods a secret for the time being. "Let's just say I'm very good," said the man known far and wide as Bush's Brain, "and that I could probably convince a fetus to vote for abortion." Exit polling reveals the secrets Rove endeavors to keep, however. Polls show that 67 percent of the white evangelical vote was garnered through a Rove-ordered commercial suggesting John Kerry and John Edwards intended to make gay marriage legal so they themselves could be joined in wedlock, while 30 percent bought into the Rove-produced commercials about John Lennon's claim that the Beatles were "bigger than God." That Lennon was British and not democrat, speaking in the mid-60s and not today and is dead and not alive were not mentioned in the ad. The other 3% were apparently quite moved by Rove's now famous "The democrats be witches, I tells ye" spot, which ran in ten swing states in the final two hours before the polls opened. "My man won and the religious nuts finally got revenge on Lennon," said a snickering Rove. "What could be more satisfying than that? [By Reverend Chrissy Shrimpton, 13 O'Clock Mick's Messages Desk]
SERVICE DOG USES PHONE DURING MASTER'S SEIZURE(HAMILTON, ONTARIO) Betty Lurrainne is recovering at Our Lady of Generic Suffering Hospital in downtown Hamilton today after a dramatic rescue involving her service dog, Rex. Lurrainne, an epileptic/quadraplegic/A.D.D./P.M.S. sufferer, was alone at home on Sunday watching American televison when former New York mayor Rudy Giulliani appeared on the screen. During an interview in which he spoke of George Bush's honesty, integrity, leadership skills and talents as the world's greatest fisherman, Giulliani's eyes blinked at a disturbingly rapid rate. Too rapidly. as it turns out, for an epileptic to watch without falling into a coma. As Ms. Lurrainne lay twitching on the floor, her toppled wheelchair beside her, her service dog, Rex, a Bottle-Nosed Land Collie, pushed the telephone off the hook and dialed with his tiny nose. "I answered the phone and heard frantic barking, but I had no idea what to make of it," said Don Grundy, an employee of Ontario Pet Food Supply. "I mean, this isn't 9-11. We can't put a trace on the call and go find out what kind of pet food someone meant to order, though I understand Rex has a thing for Snausages, so that'd be my best guess." In addition to the call to the pet food store, Rex racked up long distance calls to a record shop in England, random families throughout Europe, the Brazilian embassy, and a Krispy Kreme donut shop. After four days trapped in the house, Lurrainne was finally rescued by a kind-hearted burgler. "I really hate that fucking dog," said an exhausted Lurrainne. "Do you know if they have service cats?" [By Morris Garfield, 13 O'Clock Bad Dog Watch]
BUSH TAPS 70s ICON TO HEAD WELFARE DEPT
(WASHINGTON, DC) President George W. Bush has been replacing cabinet members faster than they've been resigning. In a surprise move, the president announced the resignation of Welfare Secretary Marlene Delaney and replaced her with a six foot tall cardboard cutout display of Han Solo, the character played by Harrison Ford in the popular 70s Star Wars movies. The cutout display was purchased on E-Bay specifically for the purpose of filling one of the less desirable posts in President Bush's cabinet. Former Secretary Delaney was as surprised as anyone by the announcement, as she'd just had $140,000 worth of remodeling done to her winter home in Florida and purchased a yacht after being told her job was safe. The cardboard cutout display takes over on January 1st and isn't expected to do much of anything. "It won't be making any quotes that'll embarrass the administration," notes Bush spokesperson and soulless husk of a women Karen Hughes. "It won't be handing much money out to the poor, either, I'm betting." [By Leah S. Walker, 13 O'Clock Wacky Wookie Watch]
SPORTS SECTION
LA TEAMS TO CHANGE NAMES(SOUTHERN, CA) In an apparent snub to the city of Anaheim, it was reported that the Anaheim Angels had decided to change their name to the Los Angeles Angels, but according to team management, that's not true. "It’s not all the Mickey Mouse things that Anaheim represents, we like Anaheim. We just have been studying the demographics and realize that California is really a part of Mexico now, so we were officially translating the team name into Spanish," said team spokesperson Wade N. Damudd. "I mean, the Los Angeles Angels, that’s kind of bilingually redundant isn't it?" Damudd then pulled back a curtain revealing a giant banner with the new team name, "Los Angeles de Anaheim."
In a related story the Lakers have also decided to change their name. "We feel it's time to retire the old name which really dates back to the time we were in Minnesota, the land of 1000 lakes, but everyone knows we're in a desert and there’s no lakes around here. In fact most of the Lakers aren't around here any more either," said team owner Jerry "Crosstown" Buss. "Only Kobe is left so we need a new name to reflect the current condition. Therefore our new team name will be ’The Laker.’" Buss then made a quip about his team wandering in the desert before breaking into tears, proving that the Laker are not in a complete dry spell, however the severe drought is expected to last at least a year.
In other sports name news, rumors that the LA Dodgers will be changing their name to the LA Dodge because of sponsorship by the car company are said to be false, but they are in talks with Buick and possibly Hyundai. [by Anna Heim 13 O'Clock Naming Convention Attendee]
REDSKINS WIN ON LAST SECOND PHONE CALL(WASHINGTON, DC) For 59 minutes Sunday afternoon the Tampa Bay Buccaneers ran roughshod on the Washington Redskins. In the first quarter alone, the Buccaneers rang up 239 yards of total offense while giving up only 27. At the end of the first quarter the Redskins were limping around the short end of a 28-0 score. It didn't get any better as the game went along. With one minute left in the game, the Buccaneers were on the Redskin 2 yard line, first and goal with a seemingly insurmountable 65-0 lead when referee "Wild Ed" Helsing blew a whistle to stop play and ran to the sideline and put on a headset telephone. After a two minute delay, Helsing declared the game over and the score 7-0 Redskins, "I threw my red flag to challenge," said Buccaneers coach Jon Gruden, "because let's face it, that's #%@!ed up, but then I heard who arranged it, so I picked up the flag. I ain't crazy." The phone call apparently came from President Bush, who earlier in the week predicted a winning season for the Redskins. "I don't see how they can lose," said Bush, a giggling Karl Rove by his side. [Related stories: Diebold To Provide Machines For Instant Replay Officials; Ravens Win On Last Second Phone Call; Patriots Win On Last Second Phone Call; Cowboys Win On Last Second Phone Call; Steelers Win On Last Second Phone Call; Redskins, Steelers, Patriots, Cowboys and Ravens All Cover Spread.]
BOSTON FINDS WAY TO LOSE(BOSTON, MASS) Police and volunteers in this recently proud city have mobilized in an effort to find the World Series trophy, which was apparently lost by someone in the Boston Redsox organization last week. Even though the team won the series several weeks ago, ending an 86 year drought that had turned into a state-wide obsession, a little-known provision in the league rules states that the winning team must maintain possession of the trophy at all times or they forfeit the title.
"Disappointed? No, not really," said Boyd O'Boykins, at 63 a lifetime resident of Boston. "Hey, we were all wondering how they'd blow it. Sure, the media made out like the season was over and that was that, but we know the Babe wouldn't let us off that easy. It had to happen."
But what did happen? No one from within the organization will name names, but a basic picture is forming.
"All the players, past and present, wanted to hold the trophy, of course," said towel boy Seamus O'Seamus. "I won't say who, but a certain someone reached for it and knocked it down from the case, and sure if it didn't bounce right between his legs, down the stairs and out to the street, God love 'im."
By the time the players reached the street the trophy was gone and no one was near but a tour bus full of travelers from New York City. The team has just one more day to find the trophy or they will lose the title, be stricken from the record books and become the laughing stock of the league. Commissioner Bud Selig announced today that in such a case the World Series Championship would be bestowed upon the New York Yankees. Reporters demanded to know why the title wouldn't revert to the St. Louis Cardinals, Boston's opponent in the World Series, but by that point Selig had inserted ear plugs and was sitting quietly, smiling at the throng.
"It's such a shame," said O'Seamus later that evening after several beers at a local pub, "both for the team and for Bill. I've seen 'im stop things from rolling between 'is legs and down the stairs a thousand times back in the 80s. Not this time, though." O'Seamus notes that such a mistake could get one in a lot of trouble in Boston. "That's why none of us will ever say who done it. Never." [By Phil Bruckner, 13 O'Vlock... damn... 13 O'Xlock..oops... 13 O'C:ick..forget it.]
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
MTV NEW YEARS BASH MAY GO BANDLESS(NEW YORK, NY) Just hours after rock and roll television network MTV announced that the popular rock band Jimmy Eat World would be headlining their New Years Eve Bash, there seems to be trouble within the band. After a loud row over what to wear to the party, the band fragmented, with each member forming a new band before the day was out. Lead vocalist Jim Adkins is attempting to claim ownership of the band, and therefore the right to play the MTV show with his new band, Jimmy Digest World, but guitarist Tom Linton insists his band, Jimmy Feel Woozy, should play the gig because he needs the cash. Drummer Zach Lind disagrees with both, claiming neither band can hold a candle to his new group, Jimmy Lose Lunch, which features former celebrity Cher on vocals and triangle. MTV executive Boff Bueno says the network isn't interested in any of those bands, however. "None of them are cutting edge," said Bueno in a 13 O'Clock exclusive interview, "not like [bassist] Rick Burch's new band, Jimmy Freakin' Dies." Asked what kind of music we can expect from Jimmy Freakin' Dies, Bueno smiled and shook his head. "I didn't say we were going with them. We'll try to find a chick band. Hey, I'm sorry, but Rick wouldn't be likely to have a fun and interesting little 'wardrobe malfunction,' if you get my drift." Bueno was last seen repeatedly mouthing the words "wardrobe malfunction" and making creepy little finger air quotes. [By LaCocoa Jackson, 13 O'Clock Boobie Watch]
U2 ACHIEVES RECORD SATURATION LEVEL
(SILLY CONE VALLEY, CA) The rock group U2 achieved a new milestone in music and broadcasting history today when 542 cable TV stations and 2651 radio stations simultaneously played their new song "Vertigo" in spite of the fact that very few of them have the song on their playlist, or even have music programming at all. Apparently over 95% of the TV and radio outlets were actually playing the Apple iPod commercial that prominently features the song.
"We had just bought time on every media outlet we could to make these iPods look cool," said Stanford Berkeley, Apple's marketing manager. "U2 was already way past their prime ten years ago so it was easy to get them and since the media's sucking wind now that the election's over, it was a pretty cheap campaign really. We actually weren't planning to have so many stations play it at the same time like that, though. All that other stuff that just happened, it's completely serendipitous," referring to the fact that so many stations playing the same sounds at the same time caused sympathetic vibrations that were felt thousands of miles away.
[Pictured above: Bono (right) and new U2 bassist Fleas survey damage.]
A congressional investigation will be convened tomorrow to look into the collapse of the Bay Bridge and several San Francisco skyscrapers that took place at roughly the same time. [by Dizzy Aster, 13 O'Clock Atomic Bomb Dissembler]
WORST DRESSED LIST INCLUDES CHER, BOBCAT GOLDTHWAIT, YOU
(PARIS) The fashion police are on the streets this week after Obsessively Fashionable Magazine released its list of the fifty worst dressed people. OFM's list contained the usual suspects, including Cher, who was pictured wearing an upside-down bear skin with the mouth open over the pubic region, and Bobcat Goldthwait, dressed in a large, brown paper bag while drinking from a smaller brown, paper bag. OFM broke with tradition on page 63, however, by naming you, a non-celebrity, as one of the prime fashion offenders on the planet and setting off a firestorm of controversy within your own pathetic circle of shame you call a family. "We've always just avoided the subject," said your son, speaking on condition of anonymity, "but now, I mean, my God, it's out there, you know?" Your daughter was more direct. "I'm just going to die! If he comes to school now everyone will know he's my dad! They'll all laugh at me! I hate him!" Her friends are baffled. "She said Vin Diesel was her dad," said Senior gossip Rachel Fernhauser. "I can't believe we all fell for that." Meanwhile, your wife left the house ten minutes after the list was announced and hasn't been seen since. All in all, a pretty heavy day for you. [By Calvin D. Klein, 13 O'Clock Clothes Whores.]
SPRINGSTEEN: "DAMN..."
(GRAVITY HILL, NEW JERSEY) Rock and roll legend Bruce Springsteen, shocked and saddened by the defeat of John Kerry in the presidential election, faced reporters for the first time since the election to try to answer questions even he didn't know the answers to. "What will I do now? I'm just not sure," Springsteen said as workers continued to peel Kerry/Edwards '04 posters off the wall behind him. "I was considering singing 'Born To Run' at rallies for SOS [Save Our Salmon], but I just learned the Bush administration somehow convinced them to change causes and they're now a pro life organization bombing abortion clinics. I just can't get behind that." Asked whether he'd record a new album and tour, The Boss shook his head sadly. "There's apparently a new law called 'The UnAmerican Performers Waiting List Law' where they make people wait until they're rehabilitated before they can perform, record or do anything other than apologize in public. And there's a 12-step program. The group I meet with includes the Dixie Chicks, Michael Moore and Linda Ronstadt." Just a month ago Springsteen was standing before thousands of cheering Kerry supporters, singing his classic, "No Retreat, No Surrender." There's little resemblance between that Bruce Springsteen and the shell-shocked man in full retreat speaking to the press today. "It was just a song anyway," said Springsteen, his voice cracking under the strain, "I don't see what the fuss is about. I have a new one the president might like called 'Let's Bomb The Cock Off Of Jacques Chirac.' Really, I'm just a songwriter. I've got a million of 'em. Tell the president, okay?" [By Kurt Loaded, 13 O'Clock Around My Rock]
TELEVISION SCHEDULE
Please note there have been several programming changes since the FCC's "New Morality in Television Programming" ruling of November 2nd. Among the programs you will no longer see are Will & Grace, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, South Park, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, Real Time with Bill Maher, Joey, The West Wing, Tool belt Divas, The Sopranos, Sex and the City, Leave It To Beaver, Graham Kerr's Kitchen, anything with Christopher Lowell or Richard Simmons, most programs on the Home and Garden network that feature male interior designers, everything on MTV, everything on VH1 and absolutely everything on PBS. PBS will be replaced with CBS, the Calvery Broadcasting Service, a fine network that will bring you excellent spiritual programming. The network previously known as CBS has three weeks to rename itself or go off the air. And finally, Dick Clark is gone, even in rerun, as he's clearly sold his soul to the devil for eternal youth. The following is a list of programs you WILL see.
MONDAY, 8:00 AM, CLEARCHANNEL 1 - This Old Church with Bob Villa: A little bit of sandpaper, some elbow grease, a little varnish, and the old cross doesn't have to be so rugged.
MONDAY, 8:30 AM, CLEARCHANNEL 1 - Davey & Goliath marathon: Davey's father uses the Bible to explain everything from puberty to why two kids brought guns to school and slaughtered fourteen of Davey's friends in "The Plan."
MONDAY, 4:00 PM, PRAISEMURDOCH 2 - Captain Kangaroo's Court: The trial of H. Henry Bigglesworth, the republican fundraiser who failed to follow through on his promise to deliver New York to George W. Bush on election night.
MONDAY, 8:00 PM, CLEARCHANNEL 3 - Life's a Drag: Infidels are dragged behind Humvees in this exciting new program for kids. First up: Michael Moore.
MONDAY, 8:30 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney speaks about abstinence.
TUESDAY, 8:00 AM, PRAISEMURDOCH 1 - Lawrence Welk marathon: Continues and continues and continues...
TUESDAY, 9:30 AM, CLEARCHANNEL 1 - Arthur Godfrey marathon: and continues and continues...
TUESDAY, 10:30 AM, CLEARCHANNEL 3 - What a Friend We Have In Jesus: And he's going to be hanging out with all of us 24/7 from here on in.
TUESDAY, 9:30 AM, PRAISEMURDOCH 2 - Because The Bible Says So: Explaining away some of the Bible's more unbelievable passages with simple, common sense usage of five little words.
TUESDAY, 10:00 PM, CLEARCHANNEL 4 - Savior Island: Two teams of morality-challenged heathens fight over meaningless prize money on a remote island only to be saved by our Lord Jesus Christ and learn the true meaning of life.
TUESDAY, 11:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney speaks about bringing democracy and God to Iran.
TUESDAY, 11:30 PM, PRAISEMURDOCH 12 - Cooking With Jesus: The art of throwing a bunch of food in a pan and having blind faith that it will come out edible.
WEDNESDAY, 7:30 AM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney speaks about bringing democracy and God to North Korea.
WEDNESDAY, 10:00 AM, BUSH FAM NET - In The Stocks with Kenneth Lay: America's favorite money man is back with advise for the common man in today's tricky economy. Today: Which stocks should you pick when investing other people's retirement funds?
WEDNESDAY, 12:00 PM, CLEARCHANNEL 1 - Great Moments in Zealotry: Today Reverend Robertson discusses The Crusades and how a little more emphasis on slaughter and a little less emphasis on torture might have prevented the formation of many of the heathen nations that cause the Fatherland so much grief today.
WEDNESDAY, 2:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney speaks about bringing democracy and God to China.
WEDNESDAY, 8:00 PM, BUSH FAM NET - Cops In Vatican City: This week the officers are called to investigate yet another child molestation case.
WEDNESDAY, 10:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney speaks about bringing democracy and God to England.
THURSDAY, 6:00 AM, RIGHTNET - Aerobics With Jesus: He's better than you at this. Don't try to change that.
THURSDAY, 7:00 PM, THE DIEBOLD CHANNEL - Praise America: The Hunting of Michael Moore (Movie, 2004) - Roseanne Barr stars as evil filmmaker Michael Moore in this made for TV movie. The Diebold Channel plans a warning to viewers who may be upset by the scene in which Moore is drawn and quartered. [Editor's Note: Programming may change at any time and may even simply go off the air, as Diebold's equipment is easily hacked.]
FRIDAY, 4:00 AM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney tells the story of how the little lesbian bunny was cured by Jesus.
FRIDAY, 6:00 AM, RIGHTNET - Sex Is For Sinners: This hard-hitting expose uncovers an underground society of people who have sex for reasons other than procreation. Rated D for "Deliver us, Lord, from temptation, amen."
FRIDAY, 7:00 AM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney tells the story of how to take Fallujah (again!).
FRIDAY, 1:00 PM, RIGHTNET - Sinners On Parade: In the stocks this week: former members of the rock and roll band Kenny G.
FRIDAY, 11:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney teaches you how to spot, disarm and execute a terrorist at the market.
SATURDAY, 1:00 AM, BUSH FAM NET - To Hell And Staying There: The Will & Grace Story: The cast of Will & Grace discover their path in the afterlife is none too cheery in this made for TV movie forecasting the future with all the certainty the Bible provides. [Editor's Note: Bush Fam Net plans to broadcast a warning that the subject matter includes stuff about fruits.]
SATURDAY, 9:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney explains how negros work.
SUNDAY, 7:00 PM, PRAISEMURDOCH 1 - Fox Through History: Rupert Murdoch narrates this two-hour special, a joyous look back on that bastion of truth and patriotism called Fox News. Highlights include the bombing of Baghdad to Mozart, the bombing of Tehran to Beethoven, and Toby Keith jamming his boot up Al Franken's rectum to Bobby Sherman.
SUNDAY, 8:00 PM, SINCLAIR NETWORKS - "John Kerry: Worst Extremely Brave War Hero Ever": Although the election is over, Sinclair replays its successful slam ad/movie simply because they find the whole thing so funny.
SUNDAY, 9:00 PM, (ALL CHANNELS) - A Message From Our Leader: Dick Cheney tells you what to pray for and tucks you in for the night.
SUNDAY, MIDNIGHT, (ALL CHANNELS) - Signoff: Turn out all lights and look directly into the screen.
[Editor's note: All networks have complied with the FCC's new "Morals in Morality" legislation by altering their signoff messages. All networks now share a single message. The following is the text of that message. "[NETWORK] has come to the end of its broadcast day and is now signing off the air. We pledge our allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one party affiliated with God but holding all copyrights and trademarks, with liberty a thing of the past, and justice a commodity bought and sold in closed-door meetings you'll never have access to information about, amen.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Hint: You can't. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.