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DWARVES
The Dwarves Must Die (Sympathy
For The Record Industry)
Reviewed by DJ Johnson
Instructions: Set record store bag on shelf next to CD player. Turn slowly in a complete circle, looking for young children or religious red-staters. You should again be facing the shelf. Reach into the CD stack and take out two innocuous CDs. Recommendation: Anne Murray and Yanni. It's okay to admit they're on the shelf. Every family has someone like that. Now, put those two CDs in the bag with the Dwarves CD you just purchased at the store. Remove your hand from the bag slowly. Try not to attract attention. Do another 360 degree turn, again scanning for people who might seize and die if they even see the cover of this CD. Now, reach back into the bag and place the Dwarves between Anne Murray and Yanni, then retrieve all three CDs. One more 360, then quickly remove the CD from the Dwarves' jewel box, place in the CD player, plug in the headphones, sit down and listen. IMPORTANT: Make sure you've disabled the exterior speakers, and do NOT giggle your ass off or someone's going to come in and want to know what's so funny about Anne freakin' Murray, and of course nothing is, so the can of worms would be opened right then and there. Unless you live alone, this is the only safe way to listen to The Dwarves Must Die, but it's your call. If you want everyone wondering why you're air guitaring to songs with lyrics about one more fuck while waiting for death as the blood runs from your wrists, and interesting lines blasting out at you, such as "Sonic death hemorrhoid open sphincter destroyed," then you're welcome to turn it up and open all the doors. Make sure you prop the cover against the CD player, too, so it's what everyone sees when their eyes are drawn to the stereo. They're expecting to see Satan himself, so this won't be too much of a letdown. It's about time to come out of the closet, anyway, isn't it? Naw, listening to this thunderous, terrifying and energizing blast of raw rock and roll doesn't make you evil. Does it? Watch for a congressional bill coming soon.
© 2004 - DJ Johnson