By David Walley

I was minding my own business the other night, watching about six television programs at once because they were all so simple-minded and boring when I stumbled on what at first I thought was some mutated Saturday Night Live political parody with Heraldo Rivera (Jerry Rivers to those who know and love him) having a serious sit- down with real estate-playboy-mogul Donald Trump. (Of course it was real because SNL has eschewed political satire for many, many years.) What a spectacle of these two smiling media facemen who could have been fraternity rush chairmen but who were talking casually about Donald Trump's political aspirations, how he thought he'd do, what his chances were, the fact that he did have some name recognition out there in the rest of the lower 50 (New York being the 51st state). What balls! what colossal nerve Trump has to think he could would get a serious listen outside of New York City where this interview was taking place. It wasn't something I was drinking, I don't drink. It wasn't something I was smoking because I stopped that too (almost everything).

Like everyone else these days (and I'm not proud of it) I'm almost used to info-tainment which passes for news; this was way, way over the line, even for a Sixties survivor who'd thought he'd imagined everything. If La Donald (as he's known in NYC) didn't have money, he wouldn't get any ink at all, he'd be just another empty real estate hat, but then again New York has its own rules, and if you're watching the animals in that zoo, you've got to have some familiarity with those rules. And they wonder why people outside of New York think the inmates are running the asylum (ask the Mayor Guliani about that sometime when he's not fulminating about the bad art at the Brooklyn Museum). I guess for Horrendo Rivera, this was his stab at being SERIOUS, or a serious news story. Trump preened, smiled, aw-shuks'ed a lot showing his boyish charm, he said he wasn't affiliated with any party, not at the moment, they would come after he'd consulted with his hired pollsters (I had heard that he was going to ask Oprah Winfrey to be his running mate). Maybe he'd run as a third party candidate (and I was wondering about what the leadership was going to say about that). And they were sitting there jawing and smiling and I thought that I was watching sketch tv, but it wasn't and it was in real time on MSNBC, and they were actually serious. You could tell because Herendo had his pancake makeup in place and they switched back to the studio from the tape.

I realize that the Nineties has been one giant excuse to be absent from school so to speak, to play hookey from common sense. The Millennium has been used as an excuse for just about every dysfunctional thing that has happened in America and one wonders what will happen in about a year or two when that excuse no longer cuts the mustard. But we're not there yet, and every day up until the calendar turns over leads to more and more foolishness. With that in mind, I am announcing my intention to be the Political Affairs Correspondent for Cosmik Debris, throwing my headband into the ring and to compete with my journalistic confreres at the higher priced spread magazines Salon.com and Rolling Stone. Why not? CD readers demand equal mindspace in the world of politics and not just the politics of music, for what will happen in the next election will effect us all whether we decide to vote or not (and the way things are going out there in medialand we'll be lucky if the president is elected by 20% of the registered electorate). This will necessarily be an outsider's view of the American political process because it's only from the outside that the full effect can be seen, the cumulative effect of all the spin doctors, media consultants. We'll be looking at how it plays out here off the Beltway.

I used to write about cultural politics in the late Sixties and Seventies, and I remember thinking back in the late Sixties when Richard Nixon was running for president that it was some sort of sick acid joke concocted by a deranged imagination (guess the joke was on me and mine). I was right and wrong on that one because no matter how sick you think something can be, reality has a way of coming along and topping you. I thought that eight years of Reagan was a bit much since he wasn't really "there" for most of his term. Which didn't seem to bother the straight press who were taken in my his phony Hollywood charm, who let him smile his way out of Iran Contra (which was a far more serious crime against the people of the United States and the Constitution than getting a blowjob in the Oval office from an intern). It sure was a spectacle to watch these veterans of the media wars of the late Sixties and protesting Seventies and Watergate falling all over themselves to toss up softballs to the Gipper who smiled his way out of that one. And where were the journalists back then who were going to say that the Emperor not only had no clothes but no brain? But that's old news, and gradually the American public became a nation spectators, voyeurs, and scandal eaters while the media happily obliged while the politicians consolidated their power.

If truth be known, the American public cannot afford to become a nation of spectators who are lulled into a false sense of security by a surfeit of consumer goods (on and off-line), narrow-casted cable shows, and Disney-style franchise television news. But we are, or at least it seems to be that way. Watching Donny Trump and Heraldo Rivera chit-chat like they were having a drink at a singles bar, talking about presidential politics with almost the same lack of intensity sent a chill through me. Have we really gotten to this level?, has the political process devolved to such a point where any rich guy with money to burn (enough money so that he doesn't need to account for it publicly) run for the highest office in the land? is it really that simple? I guess it's true. There that case of a candidate in California spending over 28 MILLION dollars and losing, Orianna Huffington's ex-husband known at the time as The Manchurian Candidate, losing. That's a lot of money to piss down the drain, and remember George W. Bush has already collected 65 MILLION and the election is more than a year off and he's already being crowned the new Pres---how does that figure? Just as many rich guys are dickheads as poor guys, only in politics the rich guys can hire spin doctors and publicists to clean up after them, and make it seem like its a political asset.

But then think of the amount of money that is spent on politics in the United States? Just think what good that money would do if, for instance, it was funneled into public school education, giving master teacher raises so that they could continue to inspire and teach. That's not the American way obviously. How come the government statisticians haven't included that in the national GNP, is it not an economic indicator right up there with heavy goods, airplanes, automobiles and the like? It's all that 'soft money" out there. Ever try and imagine where a ten thousand donation goes, how much access to politicians they buys? It's a wonder that normal people even bother to vote for as much as their support is "worth" to cash and carry politicians. And it goes to the child-like nature Americans have in the system, even if they are gradually getting aced out of it. Take away the opportunity of rich individuals and corporations to bankroll politicians and politicians have to spend more time out there with their constituents---there's a radical idea for you.

So from my perspective, it's a damn shame that Dan Quayle dropped out of the race. I can't imagine what the press would make of a primary race between Dan Quayle and Donny Trump or Warren Beatty and Don Trump in the Third Party caucus. Historically third parties have been all right for protest, but until the third party is on the ballot in all fifty states, until there are serious organizations in all fifty states, the two party system will continue or should I say the one party system, the party of the rich and connected against everyone else. Republicrats, Democans, once they go to Washington, Washington is all that there is. We're at this place now where it seems that somehow the rich because they are rich are somehow more deserving, more enlightened than the "average joe", despite the fact that there is no such thing as "the average joe" or "joe sixpack" as the recent Zippergate polls showed "joe sixpack" was apparently far more sophisticated than the Beltway Insiders when it came to issues to the zipper vs. issues of state. Donny Trump, Warren Beatty, Dan Qualye, Oprah Winfrey, Cybil Shepherd, Jessie Ventura, what has contemporary media politics wrought? Should the Battle of the Hollywood Stars be fought with ballots or guns? and what will the ratings be like?

Rest assured your Political Affairs correspondent will do his level best to keep you informed. I promise to be an advocate for the Sanity Party (which should be the only true third party allowed in American Politics) and I hope I will have your vote--- and somehow together we will get through this and maybe even laugh about it as we go. This column will develop from one continuous line of thought to a scattershot effect because absurdity can not counted on to resolve itself on a monthly time table. Sometimes the stuff goes by too fast for that and so I'll catch some of my items on the fly and hope that you will bear with me as together we lurch or slouch into the next millennium and beyond. Witzend may be the name of my house, but it's also a state of mind in American politics in these Millennial times.


(C) 1999 - David G. Walley