PLAYBOOK 2000 - Primary Report
"Oh, I want to know, where does the
time go..." - Robert Hunter
It was four years ago that my byline first showed up here at Cosmik
Debris, as the author of Political Playbook, a series of reports on
the last U.S. Presidential elections. Well, folks, here we go again...
The basic premise behind Playbook is that despite the importance of the
outcome, the nature of media coverage of national politics has reduced
it to the level of a spectator sport. The participants seem to support
this view, for the most part, with campaigns vying to present their
standard bearer as the most charismatic, rather than best informed,
experienced or otherwise qualified candidate. Well, if that's the way
they want it, that's the way we'll do it.
The American Political League is divided into two main units, the
Democratic Conference and the Republican Conference. There are others,
but the Reform, Libertarian and sundry other contestants are to the APL
what the proposed football offshoot of the World Wrestling Federation is
to the NFL - possibly entertaining but ultimately inconsequential.
Sorry to all the on-line Libs, but that's just the way it is. So, to
keep it simple, I'll generally be limiting my observations to the D's
and R's.
The last few years have been tough ones for American politics. Shady
deals with political contributors, questionable accounting for personal
finances and a sordid extramarital affair with a young staffer have all
been laid at the doorstep of a highly placed political leader. But
enough about Newt Gingrich. Fact is, the most important thing on
peoples mind this year doesn't seem to be monetary policy, health
insurance, military preparedness or even meat and potatoes stuff like
crime and taxes. No, this is the year of the "character issue." The
question foremost in the electorate's collective mind seems to be "Who do
you trust?"
So, what's that mean for the Democratic contenders? Well, on one hand
you've got Al Gore, close friend and confidant of the other guy with the
kind of financial and philandery issues that confronted Newt. The son
of a career politician, favored recipient of campaign contributions from
Buddhist monks. The man who exploited his sister's death from smoking
related causes for political purposes while hauling down taxpayer financed
subsidies for his Tennessee tobacco fields. You know, the guy who gave
coin to the phrase "no controlling authority" to account for the lack of
accountability he faced when caught using White House phones to strong
ar....er, solicit campaign cash for his buddy Bill.
On the other hand, you've got Bill Bradley. Rhodes Scholar, Olympic
gold medalist and NBA champion who went on to become a three term U.S.
Senator from New Jersey. The guy who wouldn't take endorsement money as
a star with the New York Knicks because his black teammates weren't
getting the same kind of offers. That guy.
So, who do you trust?
The Republican's have an interesting pair of front runners, too. George
Dubbelyah Bush, son of a former U.S. Prez, fratboy extraordinairre,
who parleyed family connections into a sweet deal in the S&L industry
before that bottomed out, and landed on his feet as a minority owner in
a Major League Baseball team. Got rich in baseball with the assistance
of some creative financing courtesy of the aforementioned S&L and some
generous subsidies from the Houston taxpayers. Parleyed his fame and
fortune into the Texas Governor's mansion, where he's been working on
setting the land speed record for shuttling folks from death row to
death.
Dubbelyah's principle opposition is coming from Arizona Senator John
McCain. The product of a military family of some note (grandpa and dad
were both Navy Admirals), McCain is a legitimate war hero, graduate of
the infamous Hanoi Hilton POW camp. Turned down a chance for release
because there were men who'd been there longer than himself. The
biggest knock on him seems to be that his reputation as a straight
talker annoys some of those he talks about. Tainted by his connection
with the Keating 5 scandals (he got his wrist slapped by his Senate
colleagues, though the bipartisan consensus was that his was the most
tangential connection of those involved), McCain became a convert to
the folds of the finance reformers, and he's the only viable candidate
to make campaign finance reform a central plank in his personal platform.
So who do you trust?
Those are the real choices, but the real fun is elsewhere. In addition
to the four major leaguers discussed above, the Republicans have a pair
of minor leaguers still hoping for a call to the bigs this year.
Representing the Rich Geeks From Mars wing of the party, zillionaire
publisher Steve Forbes is spending a ton of his own loot to advance his
message. Interesting message it is, too. The bad news is that with his
"no abortion, no way" position, women would be forced to bear the
children of rapists and relatives. The good news is that if those kids
grow up to be as rich as Forbes, they'll be able to pay taxes at the
same rate as poor folks. Forbes has been playing at the triple-A level
early in the season, but he seems to be tiring as time goes on. He's
rich enough to finance a lot of rehab, though, so he's not quite done.
The last man standing on the God Is A Republican And He Wants You To
Vote For Me fringes of the party is Alan Keyes, a Reagan era Ambassador
to someplace no one seems to remember and the man whose talk show was
designed to allow Rush Limbaugh to claim to be a moderate. Of course,
Keyes is also the only experience body surfer in the field, so he's
looking for a boost from the fundamentalist Christian punk rock vote.
That's the field. The fun's ahead. I'll be back next month.
So who do you trust?
(C) 2000 Shaun Dale
OFFICIAL DISCLAIMER: Hell, we don't trust ANY of them not to sue, so here goes...
The opinions stated in this article are the opinions of the author and are not intended
to represent the opinions of the publisher or editors of Cosmik Debris Magazine. Um...
even though the author IS one of the editors of Cosmik Debris Magazine. You'll have
to work that one out for yourself.
