Cosmik Debris Magazine Presents The 13 O'Clock News: January 2003

WORLD NEWS
UN INSPECTORS FIND NOTHING, BUSH CALLS OFF INVASION
(THE TEXAS WHITE HOUSE) - After two months of poking around in the nether regions of Iraq, the United Nations Arms Inspectors turned in their final report yesterday. The report gave Iraq a clean bill of health, as far as weapons of mass destruction is concerned. Resident Bush, upon receiving a copy of the report with his morning ranchero omelet, read over an executive summary of it and said "Looks fine to me." He then promptly called off all plans for invading Iraq, declaring, "All Americans can now sleep safely knowing there is no possible threat from Iraq." He was also overheard saying how relieved he was that he would not have to order our military into harms way or cause any damage to civilians in Iraq. [George F. Shill, 13 0'Clock Journalist Impersonator]

BUSH DECLARES INVASION IS BACK ON
(KUYUWAITAMINIT, YEHMEN) Late this morning the combined Army, Navy and Air Force presented Resident Bush with a bill for $5 billion dollars to bring thousands of troops back home form the Middle East, after hearing his decision not to invade Iraq. The Resident looked dumbfounded at the amount and reportedly said, "Who's going to pay this when I'm trying to cut taxes again? What the hell, have them attack since they're over there already. I'll have Don and Congoleeza whip up a plausible excuse, like a PT boat attacking an aircraft carrier or something. Or maybe we'll just lie about the report. How many people have seen this anyway?" In the afternoon at a hastily convened press conference, Bush ranted about Iraq's transgressions, thumping his podium while waving a copy of the UN Inspection Report as proof, shouting, "We know the report found no smoking guns, but we know they have lots of guns and the fact they weren't smoking only means they haven't been used recently!" He then claimed that weapons of mass destruction were everywhere in Iraq, "especially the sand, which can destroy our finest tanks if we don't cover them." Bush's eyes flashed as he unleashed to military to bomb anything that moves in the entire country, saying, "I've been itching to do this ever since Congress signed over all their war powers to me." Bombing is expected to start in five minutes. [Private Dewey Wattsordred, reservist attached to the 1st Cavalry Propoganda Output Battalion, and Part-time 13 O'Clock Informant]

U.S. PROVOKED
(PERSIAN GULF) - It was reported today that several members of Saddam Hussein's Republican Guard have attacked a United States P.T. boat in an open act of aggression that may seal Iraq's fate. According to White House sources, there were no survivors on the P.T. boat, which was reportedly cruising at top speed when at least a dozen Iraqi soldiers sped by on camelback, tossing unidentified objects into the boat and causing, in the words of Resident Bush, "one jarnamous explosion." A press conference called to report the incident was cut short when the first question, from an 11 year old reporter for a local middle school paper, was "if the boat was going full speed, wouldn't it have to be out in open water, and if so, what were camels doing there?" There was hushed arguing near the podium for a moment, then the Residential entourage shuffled quickly out a side door. A White House spokesman has said we should expect a revised truth within the next 24 hours. [By Evan Audds, 13 O'Clock Gullibitionist]

MURDERERS PARACHUTE INTO DESERT
(IRAQI DESERT) - This afternoon the sky suddenly filled with oil-seeking murderers dangling from parachutes of lies over Iraqi desert sands. Despite the UN spies that have no luck guessing where smoking gun is, despite world opinion which says Bush is a weenie, the great Saddam has been pushed into using weapons of mass destruction, which we suddenly have as a direct result of this terrible military action against us. The photographs of the desert sky show no parachutes, which proves our claims, as we know American smarty-pants scientists have developed unphotographable uniforms and equipment. Look how clear sky is! It is outrage! Saddam has no choice but to use bad bad weapons. All of which were designed, developed, constructed and moved into place in the last forty-two minutes. Don't be surprised when giant catapult flings boulders across sea and into your bus terminals. Remember, your invisible paratroopers attack us first. [I. Ricky Stooj, 13 O'Clock exchange student]

NATIONAL NEWS
BUSH PROMISES NEW JOBS AS UNEMPLOYMENT RUNS OUT
(CAMP FRED, NEXT TO CAMP DAVID, MD) - During last month's holidays Congress was too busy partying to notice that unemployment benefits have ended for hundreds of thousands of Americans. However the ever compassionate Resident Bush has instituted a new jobs program effective immediately. "These will be good jobs, doing important work," he said to a group of newly homeless people. "You'll be working out in front of some of the finest military men we've got." The homeless people were then herded into a C-141 troop carrier and the doors closed for transport to the Middle East. After repeated questioning, an Administration spokesperson later revealed that the jobs were all in the fast growing fields of anti-personnel mine removal, nuclear waste disposal, and grave digging. [Clancy Razorburn, 13 O’Clock Cannon Fodder Feeder]

AL GORE QUITS POLITICS
(SOURMASH, TN) - After barnstorming his way across dozens of talk shows and even Saturday Night Live, President-Elect Al Gore took his hat out of the ring for the 2004 Presidential Race.
"It's pretty obvious the Democrats didn't want me this year, but I was really surprised when I got a rejection note from the Green Party as well," droned Not-So-Big Al. "I would have enjoyed dealing sternly with Osama Bin Laden, but I guess this is better for everyone."
Now that Gore has decided to get out of the way for the other big personalities of the Democratic Party, unfortunately, it was found that the Democrats have no personality anymore. Their only hope to win back the White House in 2004 is that another right-wingnut like Ross Perot will magically appear to split the Republican party like in 1992.
Gore decided to switch away from a career in politics to one of standup comedy. "My delivery has always been a little slow for politics," he said, "It's like that of Steve Wright, but on 'ludes. However, I'm told by my advisers that in comedy, slower can be good, and they've only steered me wrong once." Gore also claimed he had an offer to appear in Barbershop II as the clueless white guy, but industry sources say he speaks so slow that his projected cameo may take up more than half of the two hour movie. [Anna Konda, 13 O’Clock Unemployed Politician Tracker]

TERRORIST WRITINGS DISCOVERED IN CAPITOL
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) - An alarm went out early this morning, bringing police, SWAT teams, detectives, codebreakers and terrorism experts to an office near the Senate building. Early reports revealed only that diabolical documents, obviously of terrorist origin, had been mailed in large boxes. After several hours, more codebreakers were brought in, as the first group had failed to make heads or tails of what they'd found. "It's the most cunningly designed code I've ever seen," said Special Agent Reed Cleary. "We're afraid it might be a warning of an attack, but it might as well be blank paper. Nobody will ever make sense of it." After the second and then the third group of codebreakers failed to decipher the messages, somebody noticed a stamp on the back of each page. Within moments, all emergency vehicles left the scene. "Yeah, you could say we're embarrassed," admitted a red-faced Cleary. "Apparently someone at the IRS had just delivered the new 1040 long forms for the Senators to look over." After a long silence, as reporters searched their minds for questions, Cleary shouted "It's not our fault! The forms are confusing as hell!" Asked why it was assumed terrorists were behind it, Cleary said the forms just gave them all a terribly uncomfortable feeling, like something very bad was going to happen, which should have been their first clue. [Ogden Stammps, 13 O'Clock Bogus Terrorist Threat Reporter]

ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
SEX STILL HOLDS SLIGHT LEAD IN NEILSONS
(NEW YORK CITY) - As yet another new crop of sitcoms starts the yearly ritual of recycling plots that at first prolonged the lives of and then ultimately doomed so many other shows before them, the ratings tell a surprising story.
Nobody's watching.
In fact, nobody's been watching for the past two seasons, and the first real indicators of what has come to be known as "the Caroline In The City Factor" are being tabulated at hospitals around the country. "Babies are being born at an alarming rate because the networks are offering crap fare," says TV analyst E.Z. Cherr.
"Even couples who don't like each other would rather boff than watch another 'will they or won't they' series drag on week after week." Planned Parenthood, alarmed over the population growth and the possible long term implications, has come out of the shadows to where they can put full effort into their latest programs.
Until now, it was universally believed that evil television executives with sociopathic personalities were behind reality shows like Cheating Whore, I've Got Bees In My Anus, Charging At Cops With Fake Guns, and last year's ratings hit, Public Hanging.
"We know they're vile shows," confesses Rube R. Hatfield, chief of programming at Planned Parenthood, "but it's the only way to get these human dogs to uncouple and stop makin' puppies, dammit!"
With the reality shows just behind sexual intercourse in the ratings, Hatfield and his group are about to premier the latest in reality show concepts. "It's called Michael's Day, and it's just a series of cameras around Michael Jackson's place so viewers can watch his daily life. We know it's twisted, but people got so Public Hanging was too tame, so what can we do?"
It's also believed that this move is, in part, due to the fact that a few hours of looking at Jackson is apt to kill most libidos. Meanwhile, all three major networks are into the 7th week of interchangeable plotlines and nobody has gotten laid yet. [Caroline, 13 O'Clock bad sitcom expert]

FREEBIRD FINALLY WEARS OUT ITS WELCOME
(BAKERSFIELD, CA) - December 22nd, 2002 is a day to mark on the calendar, to remember and celebrate through the years, for it was on this day that KBAK in Bakersfield California actually turned down a listener's request for Lynyrd Skynyrd's "Freebird." Slammin' Sammy Sampson, the popular 6 to 10pm deejay, took the phone call at 7:23pm. "The guy'd been drinkin' and was pretty much gone already," said Sampson with a laugh. "I asked what he'd like to hear, and he barfs out the words 'Free Bird'." Not that this was anything new. According to Sampson and several other disc jockeys around the nation, drunks request "Free Bird" on a regular basis, though very few people who seem sober ever do. For all these years, the song has been played, despite its length and the monotony of the endless guitar solos. "This time," says Sampson, "I figured I'd had enough, that we'd ALL had enough, and I just said 'Sleep it off, fella, I'm gonna play something else.' Well, the guy was beside himself and probably would have complained, but he had to go throw up." Word of Sampson's act of defiance spread like wildfire. Within three days, the airwaves were Birdless. Letters from sober people have poured into KBAK thanking Sampson. "It just goes to show you there's still a little power in ol' Nancy's 'Just Say No' speech. It worked for me. And hey, I guess that means it worked for you." [Neon Derrthahl, 13 O'Clock Rock]

CROCODILE HUNTER LOST IN MORDOR
(OSGILIATH, GONDOR, MIDDLE EARTH) Animal Planet's Crocodile Hunter is missing on a recently mounted expedition to Mordor. He was attempting to cash in on the craze for things of Middle Earth and went into Mordor by a little known path that runs through Ephel Duath, the Mountains of Shadow. As he was unable to get footage of large creatures like Shelob the spider, he was forced to study and film the lives of orcs and other dark creatures of that land. Fears for his safety mounted after searchers found a battered Betacam unit near his last known campground on the Plateau of Gogoroth, near slopes of Mount Doom. When the tape inside the unit was finally played, Crocodile Hunter's last recorded words were: "She's a real beauty, this orc is. Look at the damp, slightly slimy skin! And now she's showing those marvelous sharp teeth! Oh mate! A specimen like this could take on 10 or 12 blokes my size easil..." The tape abruptly cuts off at this point. [Smeagol Tolkein, 13 O'Clock Mythological Wildlife Expert]

MOTTOLA LEAVES SONY, MICHAEL JACKSON THRILLED
(HOLLYWOOD, CA) - Bowing to obvious pressure from Michael Jackson, his once-biggest star, Sony Music chairman Tommy Mottola has shocked the music industry by stepping down from his job - to set up another venture. Mottola, who became a household name after marrying singer Mariah Carey in 1993, was released from his contract with the industry giant despite the fact he was under obligation to them for another two years. Jackson alleged that Mottola was a racist when sales of his latest album did not meet expectations and set up an elaborately staged protest outside the Sony corporate offices which attracted luminaries like Al Sharpton, Tito Jackson and that kid who played Webster. In what some mistakenly saw as a related protest, Jackson also dangled a child outside a hotel room window. It was later learned that this is the international signal meaning "my child porn channel is malfunctioning - please send a technician to my hotel room."
Mottola proclaimed his innocence at the time, stating that the album just did not catch on despite fifty million dollars in promotional activities. Now released from the label-imposed gag order, he admits that both he and Jackson share blame for the failed album. "Hey, I'm Italian," he stated, "I don't know from promotion. I was just laundering money like always." As far as Jackson's complicity, Mottola simply added "the record sucked out loud - what did he expect? He ain't no Puddy or Piffy or whatever the fuck that guy's name is."
At press time, there was no comment from the Jackson camp on their relationship with new Sony honcho Trent Lott. [Latoya and Jermaine Jackson, 13 O'Clock News Unrelated Jackson Office]

MINNELLI CLAIMS SHE'S STILL BOOZE-FREE
(NEW YORK, NY) - Recovering alcoholic Liza Minnelli has hired a pediatrician to thwart claims that she has started drinking again, insisting she has stuck to her vow to stay sober. The Cabaret star and rumored hermaphrodite was incensed when she heard that a report in The New York Times claimed she was publicly intoxicated and that there was a videotape to prove it. "Faggyuwegf dfjqhwe suduso!" she bleated, "sudh jrfqnv osdj wduwd-edeuhe!!" Spokesperson/husband/wannabe Reality TV star David Gest attempted to translate Liza'a gibberish. "She's just a little depressed. Whenever she sees Nathan Lane in a movie she realizes that she's not the idol of gay men anymore. Well, except for me, of course."
As far as why she chose to hire a pediatrician, Dr. Allo Howyadune was equally puzzled. "I couldn't understand a goddamned thing she said. I think she thought she was at a lawyer's office but she was so blotto it's hard to tell. She smelled bad, though, and her belching was scaring my patients; finally I just took her money and sent the bitch home in a cab." Gest was unable to confirm this part of the story as he was in the makeup chair for the Maury show at the time. [Byline]

BONO MAKES SCHOOL CAFETERIA VISIT
Irish rock star Bono is incensed that the Pennsylvania school district, in an effort to reduce waste, has eliminated paper and plastic straws in favor of washable plastic cups. While surfing the Internet during a recent concert performance, the Irish activist discovered that grade school cafeteria milk cartons are designed so that it is difficult to drink the last few drops without using a straw. "This is an outrage and a crime" he cried. "Kids need their milk! And here in the more developed countries it should be easy to get a straw, and every child should have the right - and the freedom - to use a straw of his choosing!" While seated at a table with youngsters from Miss Conception's fourth-grade class at St. Preservis, Bono and valet Sean Penn taught the children how to shoot spitballs and then sterilize the straw with urine before using the implement to drink their cartoned beverage. Some students who had brought cans of soda with their brown-bag lunch were surprised when they were chastised for "crimes against our friends the cows. They must eat, too, and you are taking jobs away from our bovine brothers and sisters." When told that all cows are female, Bono dismissed the remark as "a load of bull shite!" When lunch was served, Bono enjoyed his favorite food - a hot dog - and drank his milk using a rolled-up hundred-dollar bill as a sign of solidarity with the students. [Bessie D'Edge, 13 O'Clock News nutritionist]

STAR TREK NEOPETS SLATED FOR PRODUCTION
(PARAMOUNTAIN, CA) - In a gala celebration today Paramount Pictures released the plot of the next Star Trek Movie, entitled Star Trek Neopets. In it a dastardly villain transforms all the crew of the Enterprise into Neopets on an unlisted website from which there is no escape. It will be the first G-rated Star Trek movie ever.
In a special event for the media, Paramount displayed Neopets style plush-toy versions of the Enterprise and members of the crew like Captain Picard, Data and Worf, plus a collectible card set of Star Trek Heroes from all the series versus villains like the Klingons, Romulans and the Borg. "In this way we hope we can seed the next generation of Star Trek fans, the kids who are now getting bored with Pokemon and Yugi-Oh," said Rick Ritalin, Paramount's manager of pre-teen marketing. The youngsters in attendance however were mostly perplexed. Apparently all the test market subjects were born after Star Trek Next Generation had gone off the air and they had no idea who these characters were. [ Romulus Reamedus on the Terran Homeworld]

13 O'CLOCK ALARMING AWARDS FOR 2002:
Best New Word:
Iraqnophobia
Biggest Flash In The Pan:
The guy who finished second in the American Idol contest. See? We can't even remember the guy's name - you know who we mean...he stole Carrot Top's hair...
The If This Is What Happens I Don't Wanna Be Rich Award:
Anna Nicole Smith, whose TV show had incredibly high ratings, for one whole episode
Worst Feature Movie:
(3 Way Tie)
Ballistic - Ecks Versus Sever: With a title like that they're letting you know that you'd be better off burning a ten dollar bill in an ashtray and staying home.
Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood: Yeah, like hormonal women aren't dangerous enough, now they gather in packs and go drinking!
Swept Away: C'mon Mr. & Mrs. Ritchie, surely you two can just take a simple Mediterranean vacation without a film crew along, can't you?
Most Ridiculous Hit Song Lyric:
"I'm still Jenny from the block"
The Not Me, It Was The One Armed Man Award:
To Winona Ryder for her pathetic excuses in court
The Thanks For The Check Here's Another Prescription Award:
All of Winona's Beverly Hills doctors
The Most Overrated Performance By Someone Playing Himself Award:
Eminem in 8 Mile
The Worst Acting In A Political Firestorm Award:
Trent Lott, starring in The Road To Contrition
The Worst Album That Still Went Platinum:
Nickleback: Only a nickel back? Fuck you, you owe me at least a hundred dollars for my pain!
The Made In America Still Stands For SUMTHIN, We Just Don't Know What Award:
America's Only Remaining Domestic Industry, THE Industry, the Film Industry enjoyed a $9 Billion Year, in spite of some of the shallowest offerings in memory
Least Dressed Celebrity:
Christina Aguilera
Least Necessary TV Series:
The entire MTV schedule
The Best Attempt To Squash New Technology That's Actually Good For Them:
The Music Industry's efforts to destroy Internet Radio with high fees
The Worst Creeping Virus:
Cell Phones (Hey man, what's that growth on your ear?)
The Keep The Pentagon Budget Fat And Sassy Award:
Bush's never-ending War On Terror
The They're So Spineless It's Amazing They Can Stand Up Award:
The Democratic Party
The We've Only Got Three Mansions Left Award:
Kenneth Lay's wife, Linda, moaning about how the Enron bankruptcy has left them "broke"
The We're Really Glad To See Them Get Off The National Stage Award:
Jesse Helms, Strom Thurmond, Robert Torcelli, Harvey Pitt, Al Gore and Cardinal Law
The Truth In Advertising Award:
Jackass The Movie
The Doesn't Anyone Want To Find Someone To Blame For 911 Award:
To Resident Bush who tried in vain to have Henry Kissinger, or anyone else, head a commission to investigate the breakdowns in our intelligence agencies
The Please Take This Fight Outside Award:
Tonya Harding and Paula Jones
The We're Against Bureaucracy Award Unless It's Our Idea Award:
Resident Bush and The Homeland Security Agency
The There Really Is No Free Lunch, Just Free Advertising Award:
Taco Bell, which had a floating target in San Francisco Bay during the World Series and promised a free taco to the whole country if a home run ball hit it. None did, but they got loads of free mentions on the TV.
The On Any Given Sunday Award:
The Cincinnati Bengals, the most consistently awful team in football and maybe all of pro sports for the last ten years, where the only bright spot this season was maintaining their perfect winning record against expansion teams
The I'm So Glad She Got Her Royalty Award:
Celine Dion, who's latest CD contained a copy protection system designed to prevent it from being played on computers. Unfortunately on Mac computers the CD would not even eject, and because it wasn't a system disk, the computer couldn't restart either, necessitating an expensive repair

LOCALE NEWS
JAM UP AND JELLY TIGHT
NASHUA, KY - As the economy continues to slide, the effects are being felt in some places we never thought would be sensitive areas. Nashua, KY, is a small but proud town, a one industry town, and that one industry is in trouble. This week layoff notices went out to 500 of the 510 workers at the KY Jelly factory. When employees showed up for work, they found locked gates preventing them from entering, though a few of the union's angry members did penetrate via the back door, despite tight security. A grim-faced E. Rex Hardin, CEO of the soon to be defunct lubrication giant, doesn't think it's a coincidence that his industry was hit so hard. "It's not about stiff competition, it's about religious right subversion, subsidies being pulled out prematurely, and why?" I stared at him blankly, thinking of baseball players. "Because their thrust has always been abstinence, and we make sex easier, pure and simple." One former employee, Joy Helgeson, who left the company long ago to market Joy Juice, says she saw this coming. Her own company is a one woman show, and is not in danger, though many people do want to know what it's made of. A court order to make her reveal that information was rescinded when it was discovered that a much greater number of people did not want to know what it was made of. Now, however, the entire industry is falling under a cloud of suspicion as 500 disgruntled former KY employees are threatening to reveal what that product was actually made of. A grim-faced E. Rex Hardin, upon learning this, has left the country. Next week we will be running a poll to ask the question: Men, what did you put on YOUR penises an average of three times a week before this story came out, and are the blisters healing over yet? [Virginia Lhyar, 13 O'Clock News Sexpert]

SPORTS SECTION
LAKERS BLAME SLUMP ON EL NINO
(LOST ANGELES, CA) - Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant agree on only two things lately: 1) the Lakers suck this year and 2) they suck because of the weather.
Team doctors confirm Shaq's big toe always hurts a lot when it rains and unfortunately there's been a lot of rain on the Lakers' parade this year. "We do so much better in drought conditions," said Kobe. "Yeah," added Shaq. Former Laker Earvin 'Magic' Johnson confirms their analysis, saying that all during the Showtime era, the Lakers always had trouble getting their act together every four or five years and since that time he's been able to correlate the phenomenon to the now famous weather pattern of El Nino. "At this rate we won't be able to play quality basketball until late March or April when the rains stop," moaned Kobe. "Yeah," added Shaq.
Frustrated Coach Phil Jackson says his meditations have been unable to dispel the team's foul weather mood. He's even trying to motivate the team by showing the videos of Khazam and other features starring O'Neal. "Shaq's going to have time to make more of these putrid movies if you don't start winning," he warned the team. "Yeah," added Shaq.
Rick Fox later said "We kind of like the idea of making a championship run from last place this time instead of one of those boring coronations like two years ago when we lost only one game in the whole playoffs," to which Jackson replied, "You idiots, you can't even get into the playoffs if you're in last place!" "Yeah," added Shaq. [Alfred Lord Tennisanyone, 13 O’Clock News Sports Beat]

JUDGE RULES ON BONDS HOME RUN BALL
(SAN FRANCISCO, CA) - San Francisco Superior Court Judge Joseph McCarthy has handed down a ruling in the case of Alex Popup and Iyoki Hashigottit. On October 7, 2001, both were in the right field stands when the San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds broke the single season home run record, depositing number 73 into the area where the two men were enjoying the game. Popup, wearing a glove, caught the ball but was immediately hit on the back of the head with a blackjack and pounced upon by over 200 spectators. The ball rolled free and Hashigottit got it. Ever since that day, a bitter struggle for ownership of the ball has been taking place. Judge McCarthy, often criticized for using the Bible and not the law when handing down rulings, ordered that the ball be cut in half and each person be given one of the halves. Realizing that would destroy the E-Bay value of the ball, both Popup and Hashigottit shouted their disapproval to the judge, who immediately changed his ruling, having Popup and Hashigottit cut in halves instead and selling the ball on E-Bay himself. When news of this reached the hallways, the docket, usually jammed with frivolous matters wasting taxpayer money and the time of San Francisco Superior Court Judge Joseph McCarthy, was suddenly cleared for the day as plaintiff after plaintiff became mysteriously ill and had to go home. [Lee Gaylese, 13 O'Clock Legal Analyst]

GEORGE STEINBRENNER ACCIDENTALLY SIGNS SELF
(NEW YORK, NY) - Yankee owner George Steinbrenner, in a moment of confusion (and the possible onset of Alzheimers) allowed several high profile free agents to slip away, saying "we've got our man, the one who'll take us through the next three World Series'." When Yankees officials got a look at the paperwork and realized that Steinbrenner had accidentally signed himself to a 7 year, 109 million dollar, no-trade contract, designating himself as a 22 year old 3rd basemen from the Dominican Republic, the press was asked to leave and Steinbrenner was taken to what was being referred to as "that place you like, George, where they have the little yogurt cups in the mornings." One team employee, who declined to be identified, would only say that this is a devastating setback for the team, and that they now have to turn their sights on getting Steinbrenner healthy and in the best shape of his life for spring training. [Skip Dedoodah, 13 O'Clock Sports]

WEATHER SECTION
WEATHER IS EXPECTED
Temperatures of 68 degrees in the waking hours and 65 degrees at night are expected this week, with cold blasts on occasion, but you can keep those to a minimum by getting what you need from the fridge all at once, then shutting it fast. If you do it right, it'll still be 68 and you'll be comfortable. Chances of precipitation in the shower are optional, man. I'm not sure what else you need to know, really. It's all cool. If you run out of food just call for pizza, and when the dude gets there just open the door fast, grab the pies, hand him some cash and slam the door. In that case, temperatures may drop to 67 briefly, but should return to 68 within the hour. As for what's going on outside... I don't know, man, I hear it's gonna be fucked up weather so I'm stayin' in. That's the weather for now. Don't go outside, okay? [A. Sid Brown, 13 O'Clock Weatherhead]

That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. And if you can, we'd like your e-mail address, please. Just send it to ImTotallyDenseSoSellMyAddressToSpammersPlease@cosmik.com and we'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.