BUSH BOMBED AT INAUGURAL REHEARSAL?
WASHINGTON, D.C. - A lid of security and secrecy has been slammed shut over President Bush and his advisors after a revealing moment during last night's rehearsals for Inauguration day speeches and festivities. It would appear somebody spiked the punch, knocking the President off the wagon and into what damage control spinsters are today calling "a silly little mood."
Though no recording devices were allowed near the podium during Mr. Bush's rehearsal speech, one reporter, Thom Collins of the 13 O'Clock News, took very good notes.
"Here's to pundits and voting maching dealybobbers and lesbian daughters," the President slurred before a crowd mostly made up of family and friends, with the exception of Thom Collins of the 13 O'Clock News, who was furiously taking everything down in his own special shorthand.
"I get to be Pressy again," Bush chirped, pausing for effect before bursting forth with a rush of information that Thom Collins, of the 13 O'Clock News, could barely keep up with. "Y'know what? Ish NOT hard! Being Pressy. Ish not hard. I jush said it was hard. But ish not. Hard. Speeches neither. Because I found this in the desk in my Pressy office!" Bush held up a packet of papers that turned out to be a form of Mad Libs for writing Presidential speeches on the fly. "Watch, watch... Today we move forward to build a new Iraq despite the efforts of... See, it says 'Evildoers' in this column here, so evildoers... who only... want to spank our cattle. Okay, it was better last time when I picked 'hate us for our freedom,' but pretty cool, huh?"
After the President was hustled away by his alarmed handlers, Thom Collins, of the 13 O'Clock News, managed to get ahold of two of the Mad Lib sheets, one of which sported a column loaded with names like Dr. Rice, General Powell, John Ashcroft and Kenneth Lay. That column's header read "Cabinet Picks." There was no header on the column that included Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, North Korea, France and The Blue States.
The rehearsals continued this morning with two minor changes: 13 O'Clock News' Thom Collins' press pass had been revoked and the part of George Bush was temporarily being played by Kid Rock. Thus far the FBI has been unable to identify what I might have spiked the punch with. [By Thom Collins, former 13 O'Clock Political Newsman, now available for employment.]
ISRAELI POLICE SUSPECT 4 OF FORGING BIBLICAL RELICS(TELEFUNKEN, ISREAL) Police in this sleepy hamlet three blocks off the Gaza Strip aren't being particularly subtle about their views on Jesus & Me Industries. The company, founded by four local men, charges tourists $332.85, American, to view the alleged artifacts they've allegedly unearthed while digging for Truffles, Junior Mints and other treats in their yards. The partially reassembled manger, claimed by Jesus & Me Industries to be the birthplace of Christ, has been the most popular attraction thus far, and it has also attracted the most criticism from local policemen like Yichmen Abbrahib.
"They did no carbon dating of the wood, no carbon dating of the animal feces," says an appalled Abbrahib. "In fact, there was no animal feces, because the thing is teensy! The whole thing is less than two foot across, for goodness sake. Fraud! It's a fraud, I'm telling you!"
Jesus & Me Industries failed to reply to repeated attempts by 13 O'Clock interns to get their side of the story, but they don't seem to have reason for concern. Tourists and even locals continue to stand in line for upwards of fifteen hours every day just to glimpse the Members Only Shroud of Turin, the Coca Cola Holy Grail, Joseph's pocket protector and, of course, the controversial manger. Some seemed to be getting more than their money's worth.
"If you look kinda sideways," says American Kaitlyn Anne Spears of Dervish Hole, Missouri, "you can kind of see a vision of the Virgin Mary's cervix in the hayloft. I think it's dilated to somewheres about 9. It's changed my life."
Maybe, but not everyone's convinced.
"Please, use your head," begs Abbrahib. "Look closely, use a magnifying glass and tell me... Where's the myrrh? Where's the frankincense? Nowhere, because this is from Walmart!" [By Jeremiah Jedadiah Jones, 13 O'Clock Crock Watch]
COLIN POWELL ANNOUNCES NEXT CAREER
WASHINGTON, D.C. - After getting a taste of "show biz" by dropping the ball in New York's Times Square to bring in the new year, outgoing Secretary of State Colin Powell has announced that he will be taking the lead in the off-broadway version of either "The Phantom Of The Opera" or the revival of "The Rocky Horror Show." Months of speculation were ended when Mr. Powell showed up at a trendy D.C. eatery wearing a dapper tuxedo and a mask that covered a portion of his face. "I'm still young enough to provide valuable entertainment to our country," the Sec said, when mobbed by reporters. "I was thinking that I could join a service organization, sit on a board of directors, or pound nails like former President Carter. But after deep deliberation, I concluded that I owe an entertainment-starved public much more." Actor Nathan Lane is reportedly jockeying for a position in the Bush administration, and some speculation has placed him as the insider to head the newly created Entertainment Division, a joint venture between the U.S. government, Disney, Sony, and General Motors. [By Swifty LaBlanc (on temporary re-assignment from Sec'y Powell's Spin Team)]
MR. BOW TIE BOWS OUT: CROSSFIRE CAUGHT IN SELF(INTERNET, SCREEN) On the heels of CNN's shocking announcement that Crossfire would be canceled after a 23-year run, the cable network has severed all ties with pundit Tucker Carlson. The three other political combatants from Crossfire, Paul "Baby Bird" Begala, James "Stinky" Carville and Robert "The Freakin' Devil" Novak, have all been retained by the network and will appear in other programs. As if to emphasize the urgency of Carlson's firing, CNN simply removed all instances of his name from their website, apparently with a global replacement tool, resulting in silly references such as this:
James Carville and Paul Begala battle and Robert Novak in front of a live studio audience.
Asked to comment on Carlson's ultra-swift removal, CNN Programming Chief Benton Shaftley pointed out the time frame considerations he works under. "I have to find a new guy to be a grunt reporter, pronto, so we had to get rid of _ right away. Don't worry about _ . Nobody questions whether _ can do the job. _ is one of the best in the business. We'd like to thank _ for his time with us."
The fast demise of Crossfire comes as a big shock to many, as well. Some point to the ratings. The viewership had shrunk to an average of under half a million per day, with a huge dip coming after Carlson's angry reaction to and sarcastic treatment of comedian Jon Stewart after Stewart called for more responsible behavior and less shouting on Crossfire during an appearance on the program. Stewart's own program, the extremely popular Daily Show, airs on Comedy Central, which is owned by Time Warner, which also publishes Stewart's best-selling America: The Book. Coincidentally, Time Warner also owns Crossfire, which, in case we hadn't mentioned it, is apparently watched by under half a million people per day. Stewart, who was vacationing somewhere in the Bahamas with the CNN Executive Lear Jet, could not be reached for comment, but we can just about imagine. A network spokesman has confirmed rumors that Stewart has been given a promotion within CNN's ranks, but his new job title won't be announced until he returns next week. [By Hanna T. Combes, 13 O'Clock Smackdown Division.]
SCIENTISTS DISCOVER GENE FOR PIG-HEADEDNESS
(PORKOPOLIS, OH) Scientists on a mission to create a new synthetic pork rind have instead found the genetic code for pig-headedness, says a press release from Serge & Serge Research. The scientists were working on the pork rind molecule, Porcine-25 -- responsible for the flavor and addictive qualities of pork rinds, when they found that some of their male lab rats were able to digest porcine and others weren't. The ones that could digest it became fatter and lazier 77% more often than the ones that could not.
"Generally the porcine digesting rats watched a lot of Fox TV, especially the reality shows that featured rats and insects that walk all over the contestants," said project head Serge N. Conclusive. "Also they were more aggressive when disturbed, and never helped out with the dishes." The team dissected the rats and discovered they all had a strangely mutated growth on the end of their Y chromosome, that resembled a pig's head. Later it was determined that the same feature is often found in human beings.
"We are still researching ways to take advantage of this gene," claimed Serge, "mostly we are encoding instructions sets onto pork rinds that are ingested and then acted upon. So far this is only successful in making people buy more pork rinds, but we hope to be able to transmit more complicated suggestions, like which car to buy or who to vote for within four years." A stock offering for Serge & Serge Research is expected later this month. [By Mustapha Reason, 13 O'Clock Pork Abstainer]
COMET TO BE BLOWN BY NASA(CAPE CANAVERAL, FLORIDA) Preparations are under way this week to begin a most unique space mission, and NASA engineers are practically wetting themselves in excitement. "We get to blow up a comet! This is what I came here for," burbled Skylar Torchmann, Chief of Exploding Things at the Jet Propulsion Lab in Boise, Idaho. "I've been bored to death for 28 years, and now I get to blow up a fucking comet! How cool is that?!" But not everyone thinks it's so cool. "They are chust going to make it mad," said California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "It will change course and attack Earth, unless somebody stops it, and I'm kind of busy right now." The Governor's warning seems to be falling on deaf ears in Cape Canaveral, however. NASA's new Director of Operations, Boomer Cannon, explained the scientific importance of the experiment. "We actually get to blow up a fucking comet! Don't you get it? BOOM! It's gonna be so cool!" Torchmann agrees, adding "KERPOW!!" [By Chick N. Lyttle, 13 O'Clock Weather Dept.]
VIKINGS' MOSS PROBABLE WITH SPRAINED EGO
MINNEAPOLIS, MINN - Minnesota Vikings head coach Mike Tice announced today that wide receiver Randy Moss would not work out with the team due to injury, but would probably be available for the rest of the playoffs. Moss, known as much for his antics off the field as his heroics on the field, suffered a sprained ego in the 3rd quarter of Minnesota's victory over Green Bay. "It was a clutch situation," said Biff Bennington, Vikings receivers coach, "and in those times, Randy always wants the ball. All the great ones do. But the play went to another wideout, and Randy sprained his ego rather badly." Vikings trainer Doc Bjornsen explained how such a thing could happen, even in modern times, with all the advances we've made in protective gear. "Shoulders, yah, knees, yah," said an exasperated Bjornsen before hostile reporters in the Vikings' press room last night. "But we're talking about an enormous, unshapely, unruly ego. We just don't have pads for that. The whole thing could blow out at any moment." Randy Moss was sulking at press time and was therefor unavailable for comment. [By Clyde S. Dale, 13 O'Clock Chop Blocker]
PEPSI TO BUY MAJOR MOVIE OUTLETSResponding to complaints that consumers don't want to pay $10 to see commercials for Pepsi products before watching feature movies in theaters, Pepsi's board of directors made a bold move today by purchasing all of the major movie chains in America. "We've got 'em right where we want 'em," was the initial statement by Pepsi spokesman Avery Averice. "We know that people aren't going to abandon the theaters. In fact, we've got studies to show the opposite. During the early days of cable TV and VCRs, Hollywood thought the sky was falling. It wasn't. We realize that people are pre-programmed to sitting in large, dark rooms with sticky floors for entertainment purposes." Among Pepsi's strategies are plans to expand the Pepsi commercials before each feature (and in some cases, eliminating or shortening the feature), add a "Pepsi Break" intermission into each movie, and scent the air with something that smells like cola, but which is actually a mixture of cola and a strong pheromone, a chemical that arouses people's sexual feelings. "We hope to change people's relationship with Pepsi from 'like' to 'love,' or perhaps even 'need desperately'," Averice added. In a related move, the Coca-Cola company announced that it would purchase all of America's automobile companies and gasoline stations. In a brief statement, they stated that "without cars, people can't get to theaters to be bombarded by our competitor's propaganda." Neither AMC or Loew's movie chain operators could be reached for comment. [By Ann Aconda, 13 O'Clock Gardening Dept.]
Wednesday, 8:00 PM, TBS - "The Real Gilligan's Island": The surviving cast of the original Gilligan's Island arrives on the island, armed to the teeth, to "take out" the embarrassing morons who've been soiling the memory of their little place in history. Highlight: Dawn Wells kicks Mary Anne Kate's whiney ass into the ocean and off the island in the brutal finale. Mr. Stearns eats Possum anus even though there's no contest in progress. "I've just developed a taste for ass," says the millionaire. What a show! 90 minutes. TBS plans a warning to viewers who might be offended by the eating of ass. TV LISTINGS
Monday, 7:00 PM, MTV - "Pimp My Hoover!": Inebriated contestants "soup up" their vaccum cleaners. Tonight: Neon undercarriage lights and GPS locators.
Monday, 9:00 PM, WB - "NBA This!": Premier! Jimmy Walker ("Dy-No-Mite!") is an aging ex-NBA star who inherits a hockey team. Gloria Estefan plays long-suffering wife Luna.
Tuesday, 6:00 PM, PBS - "Head-On 101": Drivers in muscle cars demonstrate the finer points of playing "Chicken." This week: Quick-release door handles.
Wednesday, 9:00 PM, PBS - "My Corner Of The Fjord": Norwegian life is captured in black and white with hissy audio from low-resolution video equipment. Part 1 of 30.
Thursday, 3:30 AM, Food Network - "The Tupperware Bowl": Live from the campus of McDonald's University in Burgerton, Missouri, it's the clash of two semi-pro corporate sponsored football teams, the Chicken of the Sea Tuna versus the Kraft Macaronis. Heavy rains in the area turned the playing field pretty soupy but powdered cheese was laid down over the last weekend and it's supposed to be thick enough to play on. Featured commentators Wolfgang Puck and George Foreman.
Thursday, 12:20 PM, The Discovery Channel: "The L-Lysine Herpes Bowl": Hollywood State meets the Oregon Beavers in the fifth annual Herpes Bowl. Careless play by the Beavers kept them sidelined through the last ten bowl seasons, but a breakout season by senior quarterback Lumpy Sorkowski has thrust his team into the spotlight. Sorkowski and the Beavers sport an amazing 87% efficiency rating when they've penetrated the red zone. Spinal Tap performs during the halftime show.
Thursday, 9:00 PM, Historic/Cartoon Network: "Rocky & Bullwinkle: The Precipitous Drop": Cartoonologists piece together what happened to the moose/squirrel duo after their network furlow in 1967. Includes interviews with their drug dealers, Rocky's dark foray into "kiddie porn" acting, and Bullwinkle's sad final years at a Chuck E. Cheese.
Friday, 8:30 PM CMT, Historic/Cartoon Network: - "Much Obliged!": Dolly Parton plays a gal who's always in a jam, and things turn hilarious when her senile uncle Jeb (Andy Griffith) moves in with her. Tonight: Dolly inadvertently marries a goat, only to find it's Jeb's ex-partner.
Saturday, 7:00 PM CMT, HSN - "The Donny & Cher Shopping Hour": Debut: HSN's first comedy. Donny Osmond & Cher team up to sell trinkets chronicling what could have been, if only they'd ever been a singing duo together. Also: Donny admits having a "thing" for Cher; Cher admits having a "thing" for Marie.
Saturday, 8:00 PM, Fox - "Hands On The Car, Kid": Boys and girls between the ages of 7 and 10 are tricked by authority figures into stealing cars and driving them fast and recklessly--and cops try to stop them before they kill someone. Tonight: Epileptic 8-year-old Timmy terrorizes downtown Boston during rush hour.
Sunday, 11:00 PM, Drinx Network - "Make Mine A Double!": Variety show hosted by veteran mixologist Al K. Holic includes "war stories" by famous drunks and abusers. Tonight: Kitty Dukakis, Betty Ford, and Richard Pryor debate "Freebasing Vs. Drinking Aqua-Velva."
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Hint: you shouldn't. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.