PROFILES IN CHEESE

Our plan is working to perfection, the virus is in the host and it won't be long before he's laid low.

Of course I'm talking about Elian Gonzalez again and that stiff dose of consumerism he's taken back to Castro's Cuba. No vaccine of idealistic rhetoric, at least none of communist origin, can stand against the dreaded Gimmedat Virus when it's been cultured on slices of fresh American Cheese. Pack it in Fidel! When Elian infects your youth brigades with the wonders of Pokemon action figures--hell, when he just tells them that electricity for the TV stays on all night!--it'll be just a matter of time before they rise up and demand the Cartoon Channel! What are you going to do then?

The peculiar spots leaders of countries get into--it's a wonder anyone wants to be the big cheese at all! Take Fidel. For most of his forty-odd years of leadership he's been in a state of utter paranoia, thinking people were out to kill him. Worse, most of the time he was RIGHT. Take George Dubya and Al here in this country--two guys struggling to get elected President in a year ending in zero. Idiots! Don't they know that every President elected in a year ending in zero, going back to William Henry Harrison in 1840, has DIED IN OFFICE, and usually by assassination? Wait a minute, Reagan was elected in 1980 and he didn't die on office. He only got shot--by John Hinckley, remember? That jerk with a crush on Jody Foster? Or did he really die in office too? How was it that a former union president like Ronnie shut down a valid strike by air traffic controllers only months after that shooting anyway? Okay, granted the Screen Actors Guild is hardly a blue collar group. Maybe he did live through that, but who knows what the zero year curse has in store this time around?

Ooooo! Kinda scary isn't it? But if the curse is real, why didn't anything happen to the men elected in 1820 and 1800? You know what? Forget the zero year because that's just numerological nonsense. Get real, the Presidency is weird enough without any superstitious crap like that added in. Long hours, no privacy, everyone second guessing you--what motivates people to chase after a job where even a couple stray blow jobs becomes a federal case? Even if you're a starry-eyed true believer trying to do right by the country (like Bush and Gore--NOT!), is being President worth 200K a year and all the criticism you can eat?

Hell yes!

Remember back in the '80 primaries when Ted Kennedy was asked, "Why are you running?" His fumbling answer cost him the campaign. The real answer, that he simply wanted to be the Grand Fromage, wasn't about to go over with the voters. News flash--this year's crop is all large curd wanna-be's too, just like Ted. Gore will talk about keeping things wunnerful, Dubya will mouth stuff about compassionate cutpursing or something, Buchanan will goose the fanatics with phobias and Nader will present visions of a worker's paradise. Whoever the Libertarians pick will decry any and all government programs and expect us all to be civil to one another from now on. But in the end they all want to be the Head Cheese.

And then there's me.

That's right, I'm running for President too. Ever since I was a kid I was fascinated by the Presidency and I've always thought about what I'd do if I was up there. Cheese, I mean Jeez, I'd love to be President! And unlike Ted, I know exactly why--to have a place in history.

A place in history is about as close to immortality as humans ever get. Anyone seeking the Presidency wants to be the big cheese, sure, but if the actually get there, then they want their name in lights down through the ages. To do that you need Great Works.

My great work would be in the area of health. No, not universal health insurance or anything, I think that may be impossible since the insurance industry's purchased so many lawmakers. No, I want to find a cure for the Gimmedat Virus. Strangely enough, the way to cure it is to regulate and reduce the commercials on TV. But I'll have to tell you more about that later; I have a lot more ground to cover.

Answering the other general questions on policy that any candidate must answer: I am Pro-Education, Pro-Choice, Pro-Environment, Pro-Space Exploration, Pro-Gun Control, Pro-Paying Off the Debt and Pro-Pot for industrial, medicinal and educational uses (and, yes, I definitely did inhale for many years). Heck, I sound just like Ralph Nader, don't I? Well, I do admit to a certain amount of Greenish Envy 'cause he staked out so many of these positions first.

I part with him a bit in that I am very much Pro-Trade though. Trade, and the economic interdependence between countries it brings, has saved the world from war for the last few decades and it will become more important in the future. However, I am wary of the power of large conglomerates and I think one of the major jobs of government is to be there to rein in the excesses of profit-driven organizations, but not so much that unregulated foreign competitors rush in and steal our business. Over-regulation will not serve anyone's interest--workers or management. It's a tricky balance, but mostly the government should stay out of economic things because protectionism and other well-meaning regulations usually have the opposite effect of what's intended. Take sugar subsidies for example. We make low prices to keep a few inefficient American sugar beet farmers in business and then send foreign aid to places like the Philippines who should be growing sugar cane to support their own economy without our help. We could stop both programs and save a whole lot of money. But that's only a small part of a large picture. In general I wouldn't change much, the present administration has done pretty well at regulating the economy and I recognize it's far easier to screw it up than to keep it steady. Rising gas prices? Minor. It's still far cheaper in today's economy that it was ten or fifteen years ago. And if higher cost per gallon means less of those ridiculous SUV's on the road, I'm all for it.

I'm Pro-Religion too. But to me Freedom of Religion is just as much Freedom FROM Religion. Government needs to be separate. This year candidates are wearing their religion on their sleeve way too much, almost as if they have a direct line to God. I don't think that's right. I will say though, as long as your beliefs don't harm or coerce others, go ahead and believe whatever you want; I'll not stop you. If you must know, I'm a Rustyfarian. And I'll be happy to debate religion, it's one of my favorite things to do, but not here. THIS IS POLITICS.

And since I'm running out of space already, that'll have to do as a snapshot of the man I'll be as your Closet President. Vote for Me!

Actually, I know I don't have any more chance of becoming President than Velveeta has of staying solid in hot July sun. I'm really just taking a page out of Pat Buchanan's book and doing this as a seasonal business. He runs every four years so he can get enough exposure to sell a few books and keep his spot on Firing Line, you know. I thought it sounded like a great way to up the value of these columns and maybe to tour the country on other people's money too. Just do me a favor-- when the camera's on, look interested and make a lot of noise so I can get the big donations in. Thanks!

Right now I need to jump in the SUV to pick up some Pikachu cheese for the kids. My wife says they've been infected with some sort of virus and that's the only thing they'll eat. When I finish my errand, I promise to go back into the Closet and slice of some more planks of Progressive Provolone for next month. Thanks for reading and until then the Closet is closed.


© 2000 Rusty Pipes