BUSH REOPENS HOSTILITIES IN IRAQ(UR-BARAQS-AL-ATAQ, IRAQ) After recent decisions liberalizing relationships, Karl Rove and Paul Wolfowitz apparently left for Canada to get married, leaving Resident Bush in de facto control of the White House for the first time. Dubya immediately flew to the Middle East, all to make a second showy carrier landing, this time in the Persian Gulf. Once there he quickly declared no Mr. Nice Guy and re-opened hostilities all over Iraq in an operation code named Desert Water Moccasin, a name he made up on the flight over. "Think of it as a swamp without water," said the Resident to a dumfounded Colin Powell to describe the new Vietnam-in-the-desert scenario our troops are now caught up in. "We all knew this would happen as soon as we invaded," added Bush, as if he had always known this would happen as soon as he invaded.
Bush then took time to add another $25 million of taxpayers' money to the $850 million reward already offered for the capture of Saddam Hussein. When questioned by reporters about this, he asserted Hussein is no longer a problem, "it's just that he still controls a lot of people with guns." Later Bush took credit for lowering gas prices after he learned from sources in Baghdad that oil production has finally reached 38 barrels a day. Bush immediately declared success and left for home, waving to the thousands of starving Iraqis as his plane climbed away from the recently renamed Halliburton International airport. [Presley Poole, 13 O'Clock Press Pool]
BUSH'S HANDLERS AT WITS END
(WASHINGTON, DC) - Following Resident Bush's disturbing remarks in which he basically challenged terrorists and other militant groups to target American soldiers in Iraq, Democrats have had a field day, making hundreds of high-profile speeches and doing countless interviews designed to shame the Resident.
"I don't know what the hell he thought he was going to accomplish," spat California Senator Sean Penn. "Saying 'Bring em on' like that, who does he think he is? Duke Wayne? I didn't know Duke Wayne. I didn't work with Duke Wayne, but even I know he's no Duke Wayne."
California Representative Mike Farrell was no easier on the Resident. "It might not have been so bad if he'd just said that stupid crap," said a visibly shaken Farrell, "but then he does like daddy did and actually sent guns and tanks to the militants! What's THAT #&*!?"
California Comptroller Drew Barrimore was quick to react, but equally quick to forget what the topic was.
At this hour, it is Bush's handlers who bear the heaviest burden. "We've tried everything," says an exhausted man who can't tell me his name without having to kill me afterward. "We've talked to him, we've tried shock therapy, string around all eight fingers and both thumbs... Hell, we're thinking about remote shock aversion. Even Quayle wasn't this stupid. We just had to clear our throats and he'd figure out he'd said something really, really dumb."
So for Bush's handlers, for many Americans tired of the whole thing, and for many poor soldiers who are being set up for slaughter by a moron who thinks he's Clint Eastwood (Speaker of the House, California), time seems to slow to a crawl toward election day. [A Baldwin brother, 13 O'Clock California Budinski Actor Dept.]
GERMANY GOES TO YELLOW ALERT ON US(BERLIN, GERMANY) - Vorwarts, the official magazine of the German Social Democratic Party, ran an article in its June issue warning Germany and other right thinking countries of the dangerous brand of fascism spreading in the government of the United States. "It is unquestionably the most radical government in modern American history," the article declares, further pointing out that the Bush administration's ideology and actions "have become so pervasive, and are so unquestionably mirrored by the mass media [in America], that the population seems to have forgotten what 'normal' is." Most alarming and ultimately mind boggling is not that the author of the piece was able to correctly point out so many fascist traits of the Bush administration, but that Germany now apparently sees fascism as a bad thing. - [A. Vabraun, 13 O'Clock forehead slappist]
NORTH KOREA SAYS WHAT ABOUT US?
(WATRIITANG, NORTH KOREA) North Korea is miffed that the United States has seemingly forgotten all about it since the War In Iraq last spring. "What do we have to do to get some attention around here?" sniffed North Korean press spokesperson, Im Sew Il. "We do this because we know China has no money and that they'd whip our ass if we ever bothered them, so provoking Japan and the West is very good strategy for us." The attaché then ran down the list of all the provocative things his country has tried to extort a few billion dollars from the US. "We have a nuclear bomb program that dwarfs that Iraqi guy, who never got started really, we have rockets that reach far beyond his and we sell them to tinpot dictators worldwide, we even try to have a mass famine so you will give us money in aid," he enumerated, "but nothing seems to get on Fox News, which we know must happen before the government takes action." To get some traction Im then announced a program to hijack shipments of Hyundai cars from South Korea to the United States, which carmakers in Detroit promptly applauded saying they'd love to see the cheap imports out of the market. [Laun Ching 13 O'Clock Rocketry Expert and Chinese Double Agent]
BUSH FUNDRAISER MISSES GOAL(LAS TORDERSPLEEZ, CA) President Bush left town in a hurry today, embarrassed that the take at his last Republican fundraiser took was far below expectations. Bush staffers blamed the poor results on a meltdown in their teleprompters, forcing Bush to speak off the cuff for the first time in his political career. Total revenue for the fundraiser was only $8 million instead of the expected $60 million. If the trend continues aides say they may have to run the Residents re-election campaign with a budget of only a billion dollars, which may not be enough to buy all the votes needed. [Juan Silliname, 13 O'Clock Bush Camp Follower]
ANCIENT BURIAL BOX HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH JESUS HUMAN INDIFFERENCE
(AL-MOND, JORDAN) A recently uncovered inscription on a 2000 year old Mid-Eastern stone box mentioning Jesus, the only mention from those times outside of the works of the New Testament and the writings of Josephus, is fake, according to experts. The inscription that purported to identify the box as belonging to the brother of Jesus was actually carved by a modern electric tool. "Look at these telltale rotary scratches where the hoaxer lost his grip once on the Dremel," said Dr. Paul E. Teknical of Jordan Polytechnic, pointing to a 45 centimeter gash just below the inscription that earlier Christian researchers had missed. The box itself however is from the time of Jesus, "but it is not a burial box at all," said Dr. Teknical, "it's actually a first century fast food carton from James-In-The-Box," citing as further proof the remains of an ancient paper falafel wrapper found inside. [Randy Amazing, 13 O'Clock Skeptical Inquirer]
SECOND OUTBREAK OF SARRS IN THE NEWS AGAINThe other SARRS, Severe Acute Repeat Redundancy Syndrome, also known as SARRS has struck all over again for the second time. "This second outbreak has struck all over again," said SARRS spokesperson and press secretary Martin Martinez. "It's a medical condition malady that many, many people contract congenitally and others are just born with," he continued. "We don't know much about it except that it is both severe and acute and that we know very little about it." Martinez claimed and maintained that he knew of no one personally with the disease first hand or even second hand, but was hoping against hope that The Senate, The House Of Representatives and The Congress would grant funding by funding a grant to both study and research the syndrome and the affliction. [Harpo Kondriak, 13 O'Clock Med School Intern]
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PORNO FILMMAKER SUED ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(HOLYWOODY, CALIPORNIA) Renown female porno film director Tiffany Gagalot, who also stars in all her movies, was served with an injunction recently by several major Hollywood studios, demanding that she cease and desist making pornographic movies that sound too much like well-known blockbusters. Gagalot's titles include Saving Ryan's Privates, Go Down With Love, Lord Of The Cock Rings, Auto Fukkus and The Penist. Gagalot herself could not be reached for comment as she was on location filming her latest movie, reportedly entitled Dominatrix Reloaded. "We actually like the films themselves," said several studio reps who would not give their names, "We just wish she would use other titles." [P.P. Fluffer, 13 O'Clock Blue Movie Crewmember]
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER FORCED INTO POLITICS
(BEL AIR, CHEVROLET) After his new big-budget action movie, Terminator 3: The Erection Of The Machines, was nearly beaten at the box office its first weekend by a wimpy girly comedy, Legally Blond 2, an embarrassed Arnold Schwarzenegger announced it's time to quit movies and go into politics. Vowing to clean up California's budget deficit, he announced his campaign for the Governor's office was open. Republicans across the state threw in their support on name recognition alone. When asked by reporters how exactly he expected to solve the state's budget mess, Arnold paused, as if he hadn't really considered what he might do. After twelve tense minutes of reflection he replied, "I vill make an action movie, and donate all profits to da state." Reporters pointed out that even if a movie were a huge success it might cost $150 million to make and generate only about $300 million in profits. "And vat is wrong with dat?" said Arnold, who had already brought out some barbells to start bulking up for the role. The reporters then pointed out that it would take at least 100 blockbusters to make up the state's $38 billion shortfall. "Besides T3 hasn't even made any money yet, and didn't you say you were switching careers because it was a flop?" Schwarzenegger's only reply was a grunt as he hit his 50th rep, bench pressing 200 pounds. [Biff HansnFranz, 13 O'Clock Beefcake Bureau]
NEW LAW FORCES ALL SUVS TO GO FOUR WHEELING LOCAL NEWS
(DETROIT, MACHINEGUN) Representatives from the major manufacturers of SUVs have failed to block a new law that forces all these heavy four-wheel drive vehicles to actually go four-wheeling at least once a year or face heavy taxes. Detroit is upset at the failure but, according to "Blazer" Bravada of Trailblazer Excursions, the silver lining in this dark cloud is that it may create a new industry. "This is what SUVs were built for, driving over the outback in luxury, not making a caravan or odyssey to the grocery store," said Blazer, speaking with pride when talking of his idea for a gigantic SUV Rodeo in the Yukon. "We have positions for mountaineers, pathfinders, pilots and navigators leaving soon on a new expedition of discovery to Denali, going by way of Tahoe and Durango." Blazer further stated that "ancient people like the Cherokees, the Aztecs and the Xterras were the forerunners of this, sending envoys to places like Montero to trade in broncos. It will be a good thing to get these vehicles out of the suburban matrix and finally turn them into range rovers. I am sure everyone will be troopers about this new law and turn into real explorers." [Youkant Denaimi, 13 O'Clock 4 Wheeler Dealer]
LAPD OVERWHELMED BY VOLUNTEERS FOR NEW DUTY
(LOS CHARLIES ANGELS, CA) In a stern bid to take back its beloved city, LA City Council has proposed cracking down on lap dancing. The theory goes that the dancers have been getting far too close and are able to pick the pockets of otherwise decent men who are trying to support families. After hearing complaints from wives all over the city who say their husbands keep returning home penniless after visiting bars where lap dancing is permitted, the Council proposed a new ordinance that lap dancers must stay at least six feet away from their intended victim's lap so that they may not reach into any pockets.
Meanwhile the Policemen's Union in LA has enthusiastically supported the new ordinance, which would require posting an officer at every lap dancing station, armed with a measuring tape, to constantly monitor the distance between the dancers and the patrons. Volunteers for lap dancing detail have signed up from every department and applications to become a member of the LAPD have doubled.
For their part, the dancers say that every dollar they coax into their G-string is theirs to keep. One dancer who appeared at the council meeting, Amber Ample, said, "First let me say that I really resent that 'cracking down' comment, but let me repeat that the dollars have been all freely offered by sex starved husbands who are just craving a little action. We're not doing anything they don't ask for first." "Like hell," said LA Mayor Kenenth Hahndjob. "My wife knows when I've had my pockets picked at the Spear and Pussycat Club, er, not that I would ever go there." [Butterfly Butkis, 13 O'Clock Exotic Entertainment Beat]
FOR SMALL TOWN, OLYMPIC FEVER IS SICKENING SPORTS SECTION
(VANCOUVER, WASHINGTON) - "Nobody even ASKED us what WE thought!" The shrill, panicked voice of Dorothy Vanderhoot only says the words that are on the lips of the 143,560 residents of this small town near the Oregon border. The panic began when Bert Hooper, Doc Stanton and "some of the boys" were watching TV at the local barber shop and they saw the International Olympic Committee award the 2010 Winter Olympic Games to Vancouver.
"Jesus *&#!%$+ Christ," said local pastor Joe Pius, Jr., "we're a small town! We don't have the resources! We don't have the money! Hell, we don't have the parking space!"
Some of the more action-oriented residents have begun frantically trying to build a main stadium, but after a week of work it is nothing more than wooden bleacher seats and hay bales outlining the planned location of the walls.
"Won't work," said colorful local personality Grit Peterson.
As some people use library computers to log onto the Internet and learn about speed skating track sizes, others are nearly hysterical over the fact that the destroyed face of Mount St. Helens doesn't offer a single potential downhill ski or bobsled run. Meanwhile, residents of nearby Portland watch and snicker.
"Oh, sure, we'll tell 'em they meant Vancouver, Canada," said Portland city council person Grace Tripsley, "but not just yet. This is priceless." [Skip Whipley, 13 O'Clock Small Town Reporter, glad to finally be workin']
BOSTON'S AL BEHOLME HURLES NO HITTER(BOSTON, MASS.) - Boston lefty Al Beholme used a combination of fastballs and change ups to power his way to a thrilling no hitter last night. In the 9th inning it looked for a moment like he might lose the no-no, but his defense came through with two clutch plays in a row to close out the game. Beholme was unavailable for interviews, as he was led away from the apartment by a police escort who had to protect him from angry tenants. "Bang, bang, bang, for two and a half hours," complained Mrs. Ralph Beasley (Apartment 2B), "just one baseball after another bouncing off the wall. 'SHADDUP,' I yell, but he just keeps screaming stuff about the crowd going wild and then bang, bang, bang!!" Not all tenants were as hostile. "I've lived next to Al for twenty years," said old timer Pepper Martini, "and let me tell you, he pitched better today than when he got his perfect game in '89, just before they locked him up for a few years." State Hospital administrator Babe Snider assures us that Beholme is totally crazy and belongs in the mental ward. "Oh, yeah, I mean he's gonna hurt somebody. He thinks he's someone and something he's not, and he's aggravating to other people, especially me, because I just can't get wood on that #!*$ing change up." Meanwhile, on the TV in Beholme's empty apartment, the Boston Redsox were losing 9-1 to the Cleveland Indians. [Gout Curdy, 13 O'Clock Sports Psychoanalyst]
SUPREME COURT 2/3rds TOLERANT IT'S NO JOKE
An Editorial by Sparky Lou
By a vote of 6 to 3, the Supreme Court struck down the Texas state law banning private consensual sex between adults of the same sex, effectively taking the teeth out of the Sodomy laws in all 13 states backwards enough to have them. The dissenting justices, Antonin Scalia, Clarence Thomas and Chief Justice William Rehnquist, were not at all pleased with the decision, with Scalia, in particular, throwing a real tizzy fit and ranting about some "homosexual agenda" or something.
As if.
It's hard to stay mad at Tonin, though, when he looks so cute in his big black dress. I know, I know, "robe," but let's be honest here. Anyhoo, the point is no matter how loud the Gaybash Trio sing, they lost, it's over, bye bye, and it happened in Texas! Home of a man who's been sodomizing the country for a few years now. Don't you love the irony?
With the Sodomy law dead, the Christian Right is hard at work lobbying for something called "the Gomorrah law," which is apparently the same old book with a different cover. Thank God we have moral folk like Clarence Thomas to help decide if those laws should govern our private lives. I'm sure he never committed sodomy (excuse me, I mean had oral or anal sex) with a woman in Alabama, Florida, Idaho, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah or Virginia, because it's illegal and immoral in those states, even with women. I'm sure he would slip across the state line where it would suddenly and magically become moral. Sort of like the way Bush thinks there are at least 42 states where his poop don't stink, but my state must not be one of them because I'm spraying Lysol like crazy.
That aside, at least we know that 2/3rds of the Supreme Court justices have some sense of reality, and in 2003 America it's nice to know someone connected with the federal government does. I wonder when they regained that sense? They sure didn't have it when they helped Bush and his thugs storm the White House, now did they? Talk about Sodomy! I was walking funny for months after that one. Ok, kiddies, watch out for Tonin, Clare and Renny, stick to well-lit areas and happy Sodomizing!
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Only the "It's No Joke" section and the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of those fools because it would be advertising to them.We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.