COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS

Thanks for inviting me to your fair campus today, Freenbean College of Remedial Philosophy. Luckily I was in the area to come to your aid! I know what an awful predicament a school is placed in when your senior class valedictorian goes in to your gym, strips, and takes a shower with members of the opposite sex. I agree you had no choice but to further strip her of her title and the right to address you today. I know you want to keep this out of the mainstream media, so I am only too glad to pinch hit for you. Things like going into a gymnasium can ruin a philosophy department's nerdy reputation. Your secret's safe with me!

Let me begin in earnest.

In addressing the graduating class of Freenbean College today, I just want to impart a few points of wisdom this semi-reformed hippie has learned over the years. Don't worry, this will be REALLY SHORT. (Pause for Snickers.)

Your class is the Class of 2000. I don't like the sound of that. It sounds too lofty, too exact. Besides, there is no such thing as the year 2000. It just comes from a starting point number assigned by some people long ago because we needed an arbitrary anchor for the timeline somewhere. It has nothing to do with the way the universe works. We don't really know when Jesus was born anyway, but we our best guess is that is that it was around 4 BC, not the year 1. So would you be annoyed if you were the Class of 2004 instead? And please, if you haven't already forgotten all the apocalyptic prophecy crap about the Millennium, do so now before we hand out your diplomas. If the Earth does get hit by an asteroid or some other Biblical disaster wipes most of us out, evangelists and numerologists will try to see a pattern in the date and it will make about as much sense as trying to find an answer in the entrails of an owl.

Go ahead and believe the world is flat if you want, but the world will go on behaving according to its own nature regardless of how dark the shade of rose in your glasses. Religions are in the business of tinting your glasses for you, in that they really seek to give you steady ground, a return to stability. They mostly care about making you feel good enough to get your repeat patronage, regardless of how unlikely the story they sell. I guess the point is that to be happy--it doesn't matter what unprovable metaphysics you believe, as long as you believe. And don't question things.

But you are all questioners or you wouldn't be here at Freenbean right? Well, philosophy is for you! Philosophy is a way of comparing all the viewpoints you can and guessing at the truth. By the way, what are you graduates intending to do with your degrees? A degree in Philosophy, History or other Liberal Arts means nothing out in the real world. My advice is to sell out now, but if you feel strongly about it, go ahead and stick to your principles as long as you can. You should know, though, that it's taking longer and longer to pay your dues as a writer or artist because there are so many people trying to do it these days. You will probably be starving for a long time before you make it, if you make it all.

It helps if you've got something meaningful to impart. And when you create a great novel, a nice piece of art or a hip song that says something important, avoid the temptation to sell it to a car commercial, no matter how much money they give you. It will only cheapen your work and you will never have any integrity or respect again. And everyone knows that artistic integrity and four bits will always get you a cup of coffee. (Snickers Pause.)

Anyway Philosophy is nice work if you can get it, but look at me--I'm still living in a Closet! (Again Snickers.)

Science on the other hand is a way of finding truth. As long as you play fair, it is still the best way of finding out how things work. Combine science with philosophy and a dash of humanism and you will see that everything is related to each other. You are not separate from the Universe. I cannot tell you a greater secret, but you will have to plumb the depth of its meaning yourself.

Moreover, Time is a fiction. And time-share condominiums are the worst investment you can make. (Snickers Pause.)

Are we back to time and whatever year we are going to call you? Oh well, let's use the same old calendar we always have--the line has to be drawn somewhere. But maybe we can tweak this a bit.

We could call you the Class of Oh-Oh, which seems to say that you are full of amazement and wonder, ready to tackle the world, but we really know that's not true. Your brain is still fried from your last month's work on your papers and worse, your last week of finals. Lack of sleep, caffeine overdoses, and by now a celebratory alcohol binge on top of that--I'm certain a bright-eyed bushy-tailed feeling of amazement is the last thing you're experiencing right now. Class of Oh-Oh is out.

Maybe your class should be called the Class of Double-Ought, like you ought to be going out to right all the world's wrongs. Forget it, it can't be done! And by the way the road to hell IS paved with good intentions.

No, your class is the Class of Zero-Zero. Zip, nada, emptiness, void. The odometer is set to nothing. Everything starts over again. Sounds about right, very Zen. I want you to go out immediately and start a program of navel contemplation. No, not YOUR navel! Britney Spears' navel! (Another Snickers Pause.)

In closing, I'd like to thank all the Freenbean College staff for letting me speak today and the good folks at Snickers for at least supplying me with something to eat. I trust the maintenance folks will be around soon to clean up all these wrappers. Oh, and always wear sunscreen, but use it to write words and designs on yourself. (More Snickers.)

It's time for me to get back into the Closet again. I promised to go out with a friend to see a movie, some damn thing about a happy cannibal called "Glad 'e Ate 'er." Hope I don't lose my lunch. My best to all the Class of Zero-Zero. Thanks for listening and until next month the Closet is closed.


© 2000 Rusty Pipes