ABSOLUTES

Before I get into my usual stuff I have to report some music news: Jim Jeffords has been kicked out of The Singing Senators. You know, the group best known for hits like Onward Gingrich Soldiers, (Religious) Right Here (Religious) Right Now, Pork Barrel Polka and last December's collaboration with Bill Rehnquist and the Supremes, I'm Gonna Sit Right Down And Write Myself A Mandate.

Sorry, that's really political news; I couldn't resist.

You gotta laugh at how things turn sometimes. Dubya's honeymoon is already over. Who knew Republican control of the Senate would slip without even waiting for Strom Thurmond to check out? OOPS! Maybe with such a thin majority they should have paid more attention to the whims of the Republican moderates.

Who knew there even was such a thing as a Republican moderate? It sounds like a contradiction in terms, those knee-jerk jerk ideologues always seem to march in such close order drill. Maybe Jeffords was the only one, a Republican who finally stood up for education funding when everyone else in his party had a bad case of tax-cut fever, who was even willing to vote for spending on a few environmental programs. I guess the only maverick left among the Conservatives now is John McCain.

How did these guys come to be called Conservatives anyway? There's nothing about them that says conservation. Last month Vice-Resident Cheney was up there talking about how we need to open up more resources for supplying our every desire, not conservation. Moreover, some lackey of theirs was on TV saying that it was everyone's RIGHT to own an SUV, like it was in the Constitution. Excuse me, you're confusing a right with a PRIVILEGE.

Yes, you do have the freedom to own one of these behemoths. And with that freedom comes the responsibility for wasting so much of the planet's resources. Think of it, some of these machines weigh 6000 pounds! That's a lot of ore to smelt down into metal and oil to make into tires, dashboards and leatherette seats, and once it's all put together, it's a lot of weight to move around. And what are you moving it all for? You're taking the kids to school and bringing home bags of groceries. SUV-lovers whine, "There's more than that, I need it to move pieces of plywood." Well how often do you do that? If you're a contractor that's one thing, but even then you wouldn't get an SUV, you'd get a pickup. A minivan weighs less, is better on gas mileage and has MORE ROOM. Especially if you have 25 kids like Tom Green.

Oh no! See what you made me do? I was deep into a good SUV rant and now I have to forget that very cogent point I had about strapping plywood to a Hyundai and instead digress to cover polygamy! Merde! Let's just get it over with.

Polygamy is not necessarily abuse. Yes, polygamists often "marry" underage girls into their oversize families, but that's a different problem and there are plenty of statutory rape laws on the books for that. Likewise if you abuse the welfare system by claiming the kids have no father, there are plenty of laws about fraud too. On the other hand, if all the parties to the communal marriage are aware and agree to having multiple wives, and they can LEAVE the communal marriage if it's not working, why should anyone else care? The government should stay out of the bedroom, thank you.

And for the record, personally I think polygamy is stupid. Any man dumb enough to get involved in it should be sentenced to living with multiple wives. All in one house. And that goes for any woman too!

Don't even think of telling me polygamy is God's Law. Just because it's in the Bible that the ancient Hebrews treated wives as cattle does not make it right. Besides, that's in the imperfect Old Testament. Like all the animal sacrifices, you are supposed to overlook that part and not enter into polygamy anymore. Jesus never said anything like, "Go ye and bind unto ye all the maidens of Galilee that ye may." But this alpha-male system appealed to the Mormon's John Smith, so he chose to believe God endorsed it to satisfy his own needs. Every other Christian sect chooses what they want to believe too.

Hmm. I really should be returning to debating The Resident's Energy Policy at this point. Ho-hum. I'd really rather pursue this choosing-your-own-dogma theme now.

Most Christian churches treat the Old Testament like a buffet. Tons of things are in there that have been revised, ignored or forgotten when convenient. A few should be taken a little less seriously.

A neighbor I've known for eight years has one of those plastic fish stickers on the back of his truck. You know the kind--the fish is a sign of Christ. Sometimes you get Greek letters for Christ in the outline, there's also outline doves and such. My neighbor's is actually two fish outlines, one with feet labeled Darwin and the larger one, labeled Truth, is eating it up.

It means he doesn't believe in evolution. Of all things to cling to from the Old Testament, he wants to believe the Genesis version of Creation, which is the story most easily disproved by science.

I shake my head every time I see my neighbor's fish sticker because I like him a lot. He's a kind person, a very talented guy who drums for various bands and we've traded a lot of CDs. He got saved a couple years back, he quit drinking and he seems a much happier person for it now. More power to him. He's also been on missionary tour to India twice with a Christian rock group. I see trying to save them all as folly pretty much. India has had centuries of experience swallowing different monks, imams and missionaries, what's one more going to do? Ah well, that's for him to find out, but that Truth-Eating-Darwin sticker still says to me, "I am a superstitious person who believes anything my Church says." I haven't tried to debate him on it though. Recently however, I put an outline fish sticker on the back of my car too. Inside it says "N'Chips." Having a "Darwin" fish might get me shot, so I figured it was the best reply.

What bothers me so much about their superstitions that I spell all out all my feelings here? I think it's because they claim to have all the answers, which implies that I have none, or worse that I cannot be a good person because I don't believe as they do. That's the problem with fanatics. They cannot see shades of gray. Everything is black or white, either this or that. You are either with me or against me. I have to take offense to that.

And this is where I fall into the same trap they fell into. Seeing the world in absolutes, be it in terms of a Hegelian struggle of synthesis and antithesis or God versus the Devil.

There is an old Chinese symbol of balance called the Yin-Yang. A circle composed of two teardrop shapes chasing each other. The subtle meaning is that each one defines the shape of the other. Moreover, in many depictions there is a dot in the middle of the opposite color. Subtler still, I think the point is that within anything's opposite is a little bit of itself.

I recognize that everyone craves answers, to have that one framework that puts everything in its place. That kind of clarity is comforting and you don't have to think a whole lot. But things are never that simple in the world of human interaction. We have differences, yet we're all much more alike than different. It's when you focus on the differences, when you can't see a bit of yourself in others you get problems. Like Timothy McVeigh, who let his anger at the government blind him into worse violence than he accused them of. Like the Israelis and Palestinians who bomb each other's children. Like Catholics and Protestants in Ireland. Or hundreds of other groups in this world that define themselves by hate of another.

Often politicians try to make a common enemy of someone to unify their party. This time when the Republicans tried rooting out all dissent within their ranks by concentrating on differences, they managed to destroy their fragile majority. They have to be considering their next moves much more carefully. At least they aren't bombing folks. Yet.

Bottom line, it looks like the Singing Senators will have to find a new member to sing harmonies on Tax Cut Fever. You know, done to the tune of that old Ted Nugent song? You don't remember that one? It's really the same old song and dance about the rich getting richer. I'll have to go back into the closet and find my copy of it for you, but it'll take me some time; it's an absolute mess it there. Thanks for reading and until next month the Closet is closed.



(C) 2001 - Rusty Pipes


Official Disclaimer: The editors and publisher of Cosmik Debris realize that the conservatives in the government are not at all fond of the things put forth in this column, and heck, as they are used to bullying their way around, we welcome them to call a vote on the Senate floor as to whether we should allow Mr. Pipes to say such things. C'mon. You have all the power. You use it to.. what's that? They what? Ooooooh. How??? Are you SERIOUS?? What a bunch of losers...

New Official Disclaimer (Via Jonathan King): You can't even run your own life - I'll be damned if you'll run mine.