REBUILDING IN IRAQ CONTINUES, IN SPITE OF SHIITEY ATTITUDE OF LOCALS
(ITZAROOND'BAQ, IRAQ) - Iraq is still mostly in ruins but help is on the way since the Bush Administration replaced the first Viceroy of Iraq with a counterterrorism expert, General Tex Calibre. The first administrator was removed when it was revealed a Danish company had replaced bombed out homes with a new subdivision built with plastic Lego bricks, for which it charged $354 Million. "We completed the required number of apartments the blueprints called for," said a company spokesperson, "it's not our fault the idiot who drew those plans probably meant the dimensions to be in feet, but he wrote 'millimeters'." General Calibre says he hopes to get real homes rebuilt for the civilians soon, but meanwhile hopes to rework the whole site into a tourist attraction, LegoBablyon, due to its proximity to that ancient city's site.
The good news, according to the General, is that the new officers club for the Allied forces, dubbed "The Sin Drome," is finally near completion in spite of various clashes with local clerics, who apparently have gotten the idea that we've conquered Iraq for their women. "Nothing could be further from the truth," explained General Calibre. "We get quality dancers imported from Thailand and the Philippines, where they already know how to treat our boys." No word yet on exactly what condition they were being treated for.
Later when a crowd opened up a water main in Baghdad to cool off in the heat, General Calibre had his forces move in and arrest hundreds. "We know a Baath Party when we see one," he said. All of this might not have mattered except the pesky local mullahs are still asking for things for the regular people of Iraq. "It's not religious turmoil," said the General. "And anyone who tells you it's Shiite agitation, just hasn't translated their Arabic properly. The real problem is a lack of simple things like drinking water, food and medicine. Add that to the fact that there are only eleven functioning toilets in all of Baghdad. All that hopping around is not religious fervor, it's people who've been waiting in line a day and a half just to take a dump." [Suzanne Flushette, 13 O'Clock Sanitary Engineer]
BUSH HAILS A RETURN TO YELLOW(PRESSCORPS, MD) - While at a fueling stop at Uaresoubaad, Pakistan on his whirlwind tour of the Middle East and Europe, Resident Bush heartily cheered the return of Condition Yellow to America after ten days of Condition Orange around Memorial Day. "I don't like being called yellow but a yellow alert is a good thing, I think," quipped the Resident, who likes to move around a lot when Orange Alerts are called. He is looking forward to returning to his heavily defended ranch in Texas now that things are calmer.
Meanwhile, back in Washington, Attorney General John "Smiley" Ashcroft repeated claims that we are winning the War On Terror, saying, "We don't know where the terrorists are but we think we do know they have a high number of untraceable operatives, even though we don't know why we know that, so that's why we call these Orange Alerts whenever we get wind of a new increase in Internet chatter, by people who may be terrorists or just talking about their boyfriends."
After taking a stiff shot of scotch as an antidote to so much doubletalk, our intrepid 13 O'Clock investigator stumbled onto the truth. Make that three scotches and literally stumbling onto the truth. He found Ashcroft and Vice President Dick "Caveman" Cheney in a darkened Justice Department cloakroom, naked, with a Ouija board balanced between their knees. "After so many non-event Orange Alerts, we don't trust scientific methods anymore," Ashcroft explained. Bravo boys, as long as we keep winning the War On Terror. [Gimly Cuttysark, 13 O'Clock Cloakroom and Dagger Bureau]
FCC FACILITATES MIND CONTROL NATIONAL NEWS
(NEW YORK, NY) - The Federal Communications Commission met Monday, June 2nd, to discuss stripping away restrictions that have kept the mega-corporations from owning all media in cities with nine or more TV stations. If this comes to pass, the same company could own all the TV stations, newspapers and radio stations, taking away any dissenting voices in all matters political and social. The entertainment "black hole" ramifications alone are staggering, but imagine being fed a steady diet of one political slant.
"That never happens except on bleedin-heart liberal stations," says FCC Vice Capo Don deDondon, "and they ain't gonna be around much longer. They're takin' a powder." We asked deDondon if there was any truth to the rumors that the FCC was in bed with Clear Channel and a few other communications giants. When deDondon asked us in return if we missed our assistant editor, Fred Righetti, who now sleeps with the fishes, we withdrew the question.
Some say it's too late to do anything now, that it's all over but the shouting. Only the smaller publications such as The 13 O'Clock News will remain untouched by this cloud of evil. So when you're stuck with a conservative slant on channels 4, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 21, 24 and 31, and your radio news is practically a recording of the same thing, and you find the script for both in the local paper, remember the 13 O'Clock News. We'll continue to report on this fascist right-wing conspiracy until they drag us away. And remember to listen to Cosmik Radio, where we will call it a dictatorial right-wing conspiracy and resolve to continue reporting it until they shut us down. Obviously two completely different things. [Wolfman Doc, 13 O'Clock Ex-Jock from AM Talk]
GREENSPAN TELLS AMERICANS TO EXERCISE THEIR BUYING POWER
(TITANDABELTWAY, DC) - At a news conference today Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan unveiled a new economic package designed to make our economy strong again. "Our dollars don't work as hard as they used to," said Greenspan, telling reporters that the plan was for Americans to exercise their money. Literally. "Americans need to take each bill out of their wallets or purses at least once a day and unfold them so they don't get all stiff. Then at least once a week they need to release it at an amusement park or at their favorite store so it can run around a bit." After that statement, Greenspan apparently was unable to continue with the presentation. As he left the podium however he was heard to mutter something about, "damn crazy orders from Snow." Later investigation by the 13 O'Clock News revealed that the night before Treasury Secretary John Snow had overheard at a cocktail party that the strong Euro is getting even stronger. The next morning Snow demanded the national exercise program for the dollar to keep it from getting any weaker. [Creditia Spendingspree, 13 O'Clock Wall Street Beat]
NATIONAL SPELLING BEE HEATING UP(WASHINGTON) - Things are getting very exciting indeed at the National Spelling Bee in Washington DC. It was down to the final six contestants, though one had to drop out due to a sudden mysterious illness. He was replaced, not by a runner-up but by an unknown commodity named Skippy W. Bush, a 12 year old from Texas with no record of participation in previous spelling bees. Today's competition was intense. Erwin Waycaster, of Pinescent Valley, Florida, correctly spelled "bouleversement" (a noun meaning to overthrow, reverse or turn something upside down). Chin Lo Kim, of Dust Prarie, Oklahoma, had no trouble at all with "consanguineous" (an adjective meaning directly related to, of the same blood, etc). Undaunted, April Lipskowics, of Upper Lower East Manhattan, New York, correctly spelled "brobdingnagian" (an adjective meaning huge, gigantic, of extraordinary size). It was at this point that the mysterious Skippy Bush stepped forward and, though he struggled for a full minute before answering, correctly spelled "cat" (a noun meaning a small carnivorous mammal domesticated since early times as a... oh, you know, a damned cat!). The final two contestants, completely unhinged by Bush's easy question and their tasks of spelling "eleemosynary" and "phosphatidylcholines," respectively, fell out of the competition, paving the way for tomorrow's final four. Who will the winner be? It's anybody's guess. Yeah... right. [Iron Knee McGaud, 13 O'Clock Cynicist]
TOTAL IDIOT AWARENESS SYSTEM FAILS FIRST OPERATIONAL TEST(LANALANGLEY, VA) - The National Security Agency recently test ran the Total Idiot Awareness System for the first time near Washington, DC. Unfortunately the system failed to live up to its advance billing. Originally constructed as the Total Information Awareness System, the system sparked massive protests and fears that a real Big Brother system spying on everyone all the time had been implemented. Chagrined, NSA both renamed and retooled the system, figuring spotting idiots of all sorts in open society was an easier way to justify the $604 billion cost of the system.
"When we first it turned on, it first appeared to be operating correctly," said Krishnamurthy Bitheadda, "but when we scanned a fifty mile radius around us it gave many, many false alarms, all the time!" NSA technicians checked everything but to all appearances it was operating perfectly, and they could not locate the problem. "Eventually we were forced to turn it off, there is no way that there could be so many idiots in one place. My ears for one are still ringing," said Bitheadda, who then excused himself to make the thirty mile drive into downtown Washington to appear before the Joint House-Senate Appropriations Committee. [I. M. Noidjyut, 13 O'Clock Government Accountability Project]
FOX NETWORK INTRODUCES NEW FORMAT FOR GOLF SPORTS SECTION
(REGRESTA, GA) - "We were all looking for Annika Sorenstam to bring some drama to the PGA events, even it was one of those counter-productive feminist fantasies," said Chipper Mashee, "but she washed out of tournament before the weekend so nobody could cash in." Fox network bought the rights to a new golf tournament every two weeks thinking to advertise it as the battle of the sexes, but now it'll be about as interesting as watching paint dry, "which is about par for golf," said Mashee, cackling at his own joke. So in a desperate attempt to make the sport interesting, Fox has introduced Strip Golf. The network recruited a bevy of centerfold girls to play with the men but has some special new rules for them. If the girls go over par they have to take something off. Ratings are expected to go through the roof, but "if this doesn't work we're going to try sand trap wrestling," says Mashee. [Y.A. Titillation, 13 O'Clock Fox Chaser]
C-SPAN UNVEILS NEW REALITY SERIES ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(WASHINGTON, DC) - Citing poor ratings and an inability to keep up with changing public tastes, C-Span, the government access cable channel, has announced its very first reality series, slated to begin when the Presidential campaign heats up. Eat The Press is already garnering an avalanche of criticism from groups as diverse as the LFTT (League For Tasteful Television), the ASS (Advocates for Seasoned Senators), and NORML (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws), the latter of whom apparently only protested after becoming disoriented and marching on the wrong location over the wrong issue. Now, however, they're too embarrassed, or possibly too lazy, to back out.
In an effort to make some sense of the plans amid all the furor, we went to the source and asked the CEO of C-SPAN's new owner, Haliburton, just what the show would be like. Gabby "Placemarker" Stockman's description is brief and chilling. "It's like MEET the press, but no talking heads on screens. They're in the same room, and we give 'em guns." Asked if this was wise, Stockman smiled and said "No."
The 13 O'Clock News has been able to secure a videotape of the pilot program for Eat The Press, and we are all stunned. Politicians who disagree with one another fight to the death, usually with the conservative using superior firepower to drop his opponent, whom he or she then guts, cleans and eats on the spot. Any press moderator deemed "too moderate" becomes a side dish, giving the show its name, Eat The Press.
"Imagine," says a glowing Stockman, "no more bickering, no more people talking over one another, no more... democracy." Indeed, no more democrats.
There will be other GOP-sanctioned programs, including PBS shows like Masterpiece Theater Road Rules, in which dainty actors must accomplish terrifying, athletic feats in order to keep the funding for public television, and Welfare Mothers, Aloha, in which there are no goals, no tasks and no prizes; just a lot of wellfare mothers being voted off a tropical island, with no boat to trasport them back. This may lead to welfare mothers in a more familiar role: being forced to tread water. With a conservative court, a republican Senate and Congress, and that crazy cowboy in the white house, this is probably only the beginning. [Don R. Arti, 13 O'Clock Nutritionist]
BOB HOPE TURNS 100(PALM SPRINGS, CA) - Beloved comedian Bob Hope reached the century mark on Thursday, May 29th, as celebrations were held in literally dozens of famous restaurants and watering holes all over the Palm Springs area. "It's a tragic loss," said a snarling Denis Leary. "Everybody who does comedy learned from him." When it was explained to Leary that Hope hadn't died, that it was in fact his 100th birthday, Leary seemed baffled. "Then what are we celebrating?" he asked as he tossed a scotch and soda in this reporters face. At another party, Robin Williams was the center of attention, with a rambling, high-speed stream of consciousness that, unfortunately, had nothing to do with Bob Hope. A more coherent tribute was underway at the famed nightclub for geriatrics, Dante's Infirmo, where "Easy" Myrtle Standish waited inside a giant cake for the birthday boy to arrive. She waited so long, unfortunately, that she expired. Bob Hope could not be reached for comment. He was right there in front of us, but he just could not be reached for comment. [Bing LaMour, 13 O'Clock Roving Road Reporter]
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NEW REALITY SHOW FLOPS(LOS ANGELES, CA) - Dipping once again into the deep, dark well of human depravity for a reality show that they hoped would keep them on top in the ratings wars, Fox stumbled badly when its new show, Horrible Cancer Deaths Of Nice People, received only a 1.3 share in the latest Nielsens. "People are so damned fickle," said an understandably angry Bob "Mutt" Cikkems, Fox's VP of Unbelievably Irresponsible and Tasteless Programming. "They want sex, we give 'em sex. They want injuries and danger, we give 'em that. Now we give them a horrifying disease and a chance to watch people actually die from it and where are they, I'd like to know?" According to the ratings, they're watching Killers on another Network. It's a new reality show that takes its cues from Cops, only in this series the camera crew - and therefore the viewer - rides along in the car of a serial killer on the prowl. Shame on Fox for "Cancer Deaths," and kudos to innovative, tasteful new reality shows like She Said She Was 18, Roadkill Cleanup Squad 529, Guess Whose Panties, Drunk, Driving & Stupid and, of course, Killers. This will hopefully send a clear message that we are a sophisticated audience and we demand intelligent programming. The kind with beer commercials featuring scantily clad women with large breasts running around for no reason. This is, after all, why we have ratings in the first place. It's democracy in action. [Scott "Wanghammer" Traeger, Phi Ratta Culpa frat house and 13 O'Clock intern]
NY TIMES REPORTER APPARENTLY DIDN'T EXIST(NEW YORK, NY) - Jayson Blair, the disgraced New York Times reporter who has resigned under allegations that he filed fraudulent articles, rarely even bothering to go to the places he wrote about or meet with the people he claimed to quote, apparently doesn't actually exist. Suspicious reporters at competing newspapers began to notice inconsistencies in the alarming story, such as the frequent changes in the spelling of Blair's first name, the basic "hush-hush" attitude of Times upper management in handling the situation, and, most obvious of all, the notion that the Times had hired a black reporter and not kept a close eye on him.
"That's just offensive and we resent the insinuation," said newsroom supervisor William "Scoop" Hearse. "Why should we feel a need to spend our time monitoring Mr. Blair? Besides, we have a lot of 'Rican's downstairs workin' the presses to keep an eye on."
When confronted with evidence that Jason Blair's address is a vacant lot, his driver's license number is the company doctor's eye chart (middle and 4th rows), and his car lease agreement is from a nonexistent auto dealership, Hearse simply turned and sprinted down the hall. As I left the Times building, I happened to look back, whereupon I saw no building at all. Only trees and a small park with a baseball diamond where I'm fairly sure the building had been. And so the mystery deepens. Perhaps it isn't just Jaisin Blair who does not exist. Perhaps it is also the New York Thymes. After all, in New York City, anything can happen. So what is the silver lining here? We've lost "the grey lady," so that can't be it. Journalism students certainly haven't learned anything positive. Perhaps the one good thing that comes from this is the fact that Jaysuhn Blair, being non-existent, can't make a total whore of himself by selling book and movie rights to this pathetic story. Sometimes, you have to take the silver linings where you can find them. [Jaasun Blair, 13 O'Clock Probationary Cub Reporter]
E-BAYER BREAKS RECORD FOR FUTILITY(McKINLEYVILLE, CA) - Lathum Snelling, a self-employed data entry operator who works from home and spends the majority of his time on the Internet, has broken a record he - and indeed no one else - ever wanted to break. After 319 attempts, Mr. Snelling has never succeeded in winning a single auction on E-Bay.
"I knew I was getting close to the record," says Snelling, "and I started trying to win things anyone can win, like Bogart's 'Beat The Devil' DVD. I mean, there are millions of them, and most never even sell, but if I try... bang, someone snags it at the last second."
Depressed, sitting in his home office surrounded by all the 2nd place ribbons and trophies of his youth, Snelling broke his own record this morning. Number 320 came at 7:23 am, when Snelling put the ridiculously high bid of 400 dollars on one of the 2 dollar scam auctions that nobody ever bids on. These are nothing more than an offer of information on how to get rich. When Snelling's bid hit the screen, people became worried that they were missing out on something important and began a bidding war, and once again the snakebit Snelling was out of luck.
In a sick twist to the story, the DVD (319) and scam offer (320) have both been re-listed on e-bay since news broke of their significance as record-breaking items, both being started at over 2,000 dollars. Snelling angrily refused to autograph the Bogart DVD and has reportedly listed his own computer on E-Bay in embarrassment and disgust. Thus far, nobody's bid a plug nickle. [Barb Saline, 13 O'Clock Humiliast]
PENIS ENLARGEMENT PROMISES FALL FLACID THE CONSUMER SQUEALER
(SEATTLE, WA) - After many months of being badgered, a.. friend of this reporter's finally gave in and ordered one of the major products being offered through e-mail spamming that are supposed to enlarge the penis by up to 30 percent. The bottle of cream cost 50 dollars, first of all, and it's not even a very big bottle, so there's scam one. Second, despite the claims that one bottle will bring results, not a bit of difference could be perceived. And finally, the stuff is just unpleasant as hell because it tastes like crap! It triggers your gag reflexes and makes it nearly impossible to swallow. I'm furious and I'm demanding my money back. For my friend. I loaned him the money for this. Anyway, that's not important right now. What's important is that this is beyond "Buyer Beware." This is "Buyer RUN AWAY!!" And forget the pumps and tubes and all that crap, too, because they're just more rip offs. He says. My friend. Be here next week when my topic will be those "African royalty needs money" scams on the net, how gullible you have to be to fall for something so transparent, and how the hell to get my money back if you DO fall for it. I mean my friend's money. [Dick A. Little, 13 O'Clock Babe Magnet]
WEATHER SECTION
This month's Weather Report has been cancelled, due to the fact that A. Sid Brown is under the weather. We'll let you know as soon as he breaks clear. He does send along one message: "Don't take the brown acid man, it's a bummer, and when in doubt... Look for the yellow ballons."
BUSH, BLAIR NOMINATED FOR NOBEL PEACE PRIZE?!? IT'S NO JOKE
(OSLO, NORWAY) - On May 8th George W. Bush and Tony Blair were nominated for the 2004 Nobel Peace Prize by a right wing member of the Norwegian Parliament, one Jan Simonsen. We are not kidding this time! Sometimes the news is far stranger and dangerous than anything we could make up.
However, we at the 13 O'Clock News DO have several competing theories on how this nomination came to be.
One: Simonsen smoked the entire 2002 opium output of Burma two hours before making the nomination.
Two: Perhaps they've confused the Peace Prize with the Piece Prize, in which case the winners won't be determined until the Haliburton cleanup team counts up the total number of Iraqi civilian body parts. Odds favor Bush and Blair here, but would take them far out of the running for the Peace prize. A "catch 22," as the Bushies would call it. A "sticky wicket," as the Blairaids would call it. "A travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of a travesty of two mockeries of a sham," as Woody Allen once called something and we would (and do) call this.
Three: Like the weapons of mass destruction that were figments of Bush and Blair's imagination, the hundreds of bombed out buildings and the thousands of dead and wounded Iraqi civilians and soldiers are really figments of our imagination.
Four: Simonsen is Osama Bin Ladin in disguise and this is his latest terrorist attempt to destroy our sanity.
Five: Since Alfred Nobel's wealth was built by his inventing dynamite, the nominating committee figured that the creative use of high explosives in the conquest of Iraq raised royalties for dynamite, which increased the pool of funds for more prizes, so they now have lots more money to encourage and reward the real peacemakers opposing violence for decades to come.
Six: This nomination is so fucking stupid, so mind-blowingly counter to all the good men and women who have risked their lives to stop wars, that it must be designed to make us angry. Anger makes for optimum output of heat, proving once and for all that this really is the Matrix we're trapped in. [Rusty and DJ, 13 O'Clock Reality Watch]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Usually only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. This month, the Nobel Peace Prize story is, amazingly, also true. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.