BUSH, CHENEY DECRY AMNESTY REPORT
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney have issued separate statements condemning a report by Amnesty International, which paints the U.S. government as a violator of human rights. The strongest allegations revolve around the torture of prisoners at Guantanamo Bay prison.
"Poppycock," said the President in a 14-second press conference before he boarded Dirt Bike One for the long ride to Crawford, Texas, to begin his 84th vacation since taking office. "They lie! Who you gonna believe? Gotta go."
The Vice President was more verbose in taking Amnesty International to task.
"They have no right telling us who we can and cannot open cans of whoopass on," muttered the Veep through clenched teeth as he addressed the crowd at a $5,000,000-a-plate Republican fund/bailraiser. "Their leaders won't be so smug when we're wiring their genitals to car batteries, I can assure you of that, my little pretties." Cheney's words drew intense applause and spontaneous flinging of feces from the crowd.
But the final word of the day didn't come from either of the top two executives in the land.
"What cute little birdy? I don't see no cute little birdy," said Undersecretary of State, Sylvester T. Katt. "Amnesty's gone to the birds. I'm telling you, they hate us for our freedom!" [By B. Bunny, 13 O'Clock News, Albakoiky Bureau.]
FORD TO INTRODUCE PRE-MISTUNED CAR
(DETROIT, MI) Citing consumer complaints over recent models that require expensive tune-ups after only 10,000 or 12,000 miles, Ford has decided to take the offensive by rolling cars off the assembly line already mistuned. "Long before the new-car smell fades, consumers will be used to rough idling and pinging while on the road, and diesel-like run-on after they shut their cars off," says Riley Pinchtale, press relations administrator for the auto giant. Auto analysts describe this as a "bold move" into tapping the consumer's buying power from day one and a step toward simultaneously delivering full customer satisfaction while lowering customer expectations.
To support the effort, Ford is rolling out a $27 million ad campaign created in association with BBDO, one of the top ad agencies in the world. The theme: "Ford Wants You Back--Right Away." The campaign consists mostly of 60-second TV spots with animated cartoon-character cars swaying, jiggling, spinning, and lurching into the service bays at a brightly colored Ford dealership with the Jackson Five's "I Want You Back" and Player's "Baby Come Back" mixed over the narrator's voice in the video.
Albert Radwiner of the Society for Automotive Technology, in Princeton, NJ, enthusiastically adds that this will be a boon to the economy: "For the past two decades, cars have needed little except oil changes for the first year or two, underemploying thousands of mechanics, often until the warranty on a car expired. The result was dealerships subsisting by selling low-profit items like floormats, cargo nets, and decals between the initial sale and the first minor servicing at 40,000 miles. This 'out-of-the-box-with-a-wobble' strategy will ensure that customers will be back for servicing very quickly--perhaps before the first oil change at 1,000 miles."
Ford is currently developing software to download into most of their models that will "randomly cause timing irregularities and other engine and transmission anomalies" so that no physical labor is involved in mistuning or correcting mistuned autos. This would assure an even greater sense of urgency on the part of consumers to return to the dealer and enhanced profits for the Number 3 automaker in the world because rectifying problems could be done without opening the hood or replacing parts.
Leaders in other industries are watching Ford's approach with bated breath, ready to apply the strategy to boost their profitability. Already under consideration are pre-soiled carpeting from Monsanto, half-depleted batteries from Duracell, and partially discharged fire extinguishers from Kidde. [By Rusty X. Haust, 13 O'Clock automotive reporter]
MC HAMMER GOES AFTER TOM DELAY
FOR TRADEMARK INFRINGEMENT
(HAMMERTIME, IOWALOT) MC Hammer has sued Tom DeLay over the use of the latter's nickname name "The Hammer," it was revealed in court documents today. "Heck I had to do something to get some money, my career has been stalled for years," said the aging rapper. "There's no new hooks I can rip off of Rick James, he's dead! Plus I don't like this guy and I don't want him using my name."
When served with papers Delay's office called the lawsuit "frivolous." The office took this action because there is a new Republican language rule that requires all party members to insert that word before the word "lawsuit" in any sentence, except where the sentence refers to a lawsuit that they started. [by Grandmaster Flash Gordon, 13 O'Clock Rap Star Gazer]
NEWSWEEK RETRACTS STORY: VIOLENCE CONTINUES(OUIARSOMAD, AFGHANISTAN) After several days of deadly violence across the Middle East and elsewhere around the world, Newsweek Magazine announced that the story at the center of the storm was completely false. Newsweek retracted a story that claimed, among other things, Muslim detainees at Guantanamo Bay were being emotionally tortured in cruel ways that included being forced to watch their captors flush copies of the Quran down the toilets of their cells. Reaction across the globe was swift and deadly, especially in the Middle East. Here in Ouiarsomad, the village market continues to burn at this hour, despite the fact that Newsweek's Junior Assistant Editor, Tuffie Hollifant, has issued a statement admitting the story was incorrect. What detainees witnessed was disrespectful guards, said to be from blue states, testing the new Pentagon-provided $3,500 toilets by flushing full-sized copies of the King James edition of the Holy Bible. Sadly, Newsweek's second announcement has sparked two days of deadly rioting in the office of Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania). [By John Crapper, 13 O'Clock Port-a-Reporter]
POPE FUNERAL: WORLDWIDE WEEK OF MOURNING
OR ANOTHER @*%!ING TOM DELAY SCAM?
(VATICAN CITY, ROME) - As hundreds of thousands of pilgrims came to pay their final respects to Pope John Paul II, Air Force One landed on top of many of them and deposited the U.S. Mourning Contingent. Present were President George W. Bush, First Lady Laura Bush, First Dog Barney Bush, Vice President Dick Cheney, Second Lady and mother of a gay daughter Lynn Cheney, and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay, who wasn't an official member of the Mourning Contingent but never met an all-expenses paid trip he didn't like. Questions are being asked about the nature of DeLay's relationship with the PopePeil company, makers of the PopePeil Purfect Pull Beer Helmet, which he was seen prominantly displaying atop his head all through the trip. The allegations come just two weeks before a house vote on legislation aimed at legalizing beer helmets for underaged college students. Neither DeLay nor Don PopePeil could be reached for comment.
In a related story, the White House has issued an apology to the Vatican for the behavior of at least three men from the Mourning Contingent. According to complaints, one unidentified member caused a scene upon learning that Pope John Paul II had not been enbalmed before being put on display. The unidentified man allegdly held his alleged nose and made several allegedly disparaging remarks about "Popey LaPew" while fanning the air in front of his face with a giant, foam rubber New Orleans Saints "We're Number One" finger. Another member of the Mourning Contingent has been reprimanded for repeatedly stealing the late Pope's pointy hat and playing keep away from the bishops. Still another member was fined 500 dollars for using a beer helmet in public and public drunkeness. No word yet on the identities of any of those people.
In fashion news, Laura Bush was the hit of the funeral in her burgendy pillbox hat (hat by Jackie O's of Athens), while Lynn Cheney might have raised eyebrows with her "Ask Me About My Lesbian Daughter" T-shirt, had she not decided at the last minute to leave it in the closet. The entire group had to cut their trip short when DeLay was arrested while soliciting an undercover police officer at an area golf course. Unwilling to pay the greens fee like ordinary people do, DeLay was looking to peddle influence. Apparently Mr. DeLay was unaware that, at least in Vatican City, he has none. [By Enos Gressions, 13 O'Clock Inventory Specialist.]
POPE JOHN PAUL ON FAST TRACK TO SAINTHOOD(OHNONOTVATICAN CITY) Pope John Paul II's body has already been moved to a more prominent location due to a fast track to beatification and later sainthood, sources at the Vatican say. Apparently it's moving a little too fast however because the normal checking procedures for miracles attributed to the late pope have been waived and the sainthood application paperwork has also suffered. Due to a clerical error, upon sainthood the late Pope is to be officially named Saint John Paul Georgian Ringo. Unfortunately, since Pope Benedict has already endorsed the paperwork using this name, it cannot be retracted due to papal infallibility.
This is already the second incident involving poor name choices for the new pope, who apparently misunderstood an aide who had barged into a private encounter he was having with an acolyte in his private chambers soon after his election. The startled Pope was heard to say, "Bent it? Hell no, I broke it!" To cover the mutual error, the Pope immediately decided upon the name Benedict as his new papal name. [by Kathy Lick, 13 O'Clock Guido Sarducci Memorial Reporter]
FOUL SMELLING CLOUD HANGS OVER LA(LOST ANGELES, CA) The Southern California Air Quality Board has downgraded the entire Los Angeles basin to highly polluted status due to a special new kind of smog. The source identified for the new pollutant was this spring's hotly contested mayoral race where Mayor Jim Hahn and Councilman Antonio Villiagarosa traded all manner of accusations in a series of debates. Apparently Hahn was trying to stick to the issues at first but after Villiagarosa blamed traffic congestion on him, the gloves were off. In return Hahn blamed the poor quality of LA schools on the Councilman. Villiagarosa then cited Hahn's role in attempting to ban lap dancing with restrictive regulations. Hahn blamed his opponent for the breakup of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. Then Villiagarosa implicated Hahn as responsible for the departure of Shaquille O'Neal and the disastrous Lakers season. Worst of all, Hahn blamed Villiagrosa for the greenlighting of the movie "Alexander."
The accusations from both campaigns continued like this for weeks and everywhere the debate events were held, voters left in a confused choking haze that spread and slowly gripped all parts of the city. The Air Quality Board expects the haze to continue well into the new mayor's term. [by Polly Tix-Asusual, 13 O'Clock Local Disputes Desk]
COMMITTEE SETS LIMITS ON BREAST IMPLANTS
(HOOTERVILLE, OURKANSAS) Congressional hearings on the re-certification of silicone gel breast implants took a restrictive turn this week when Senator Waylon Helmethead of Ourkansas demanded limits on the devices. "I think these should be limited so that a woman's bust measurement can't be made any larger than 48", said the Senator. " I mean any larger than that, what the heck are you supposed to do with 'em?"
Appearing before the committee opposing the limits was Tiffany, an exotic dancer from Lower Skank, Alabama, who said that she wanted to silicone enhance her natural breasts to 56" because of all the competition in the exotic dancing trade. "It's simply necessary to my livelyhood," she sniffed' " How am I ever going to get out of Lower Skank with only these to work with?" whereupon she revealed a magnificent pair that Senatorial pages happily confirmed was a full 38". The committee refused to budge however, even after a memorable table dance from Tiffany, which brought thunderous applause from the overflow crowd of reporters and twelve Boy Scouts visiting Congress while working on their Citizenship in the Nation Merit badges. "Thanks for the mammaries, but like they say, anything more than two hands and a mouthful is wasted!" Helmethead was heard to say after the vote. [by D.D. Brassiere, 13 O'Clock Exotic Dancer Watch]
FIRST LADY FLYING SOLO(ST. BETHANY, ALABAMA) If Laura Bush was a lap dog during her husband's first term as president, she's certainly a yap hound thus far into his second. Noted for being a team player and staying on message, the First Lady is playing against type in recent speeches as she tours the south in her one woman show, "The Hoo-Haw Monologues."
"I don't necessarily agree with my husband on everything," Mrs. Bush told a standing room only audience at the St. Bethany Dinner Theater & Midnight Bowl. "He thinks we should stay in the dark ages and discount stem cell research, but I feel we should also execute the scientists who study it. You can bet we've had some real dust-ups over that one."
Apparently, the differences between the first couple only begin there.
"I didn't speak to him for a whole hour when that iPod story came out. He's such a racist. Not one colored rock and roll group. I said 'George, for crying out loud, what in heckfire is wrong with Nat King Cole?' I guess you can take the boy out of the Klan... Well, you know what I'm saying?"
The biggest arguments between Mr. and Mrs. Bush have been over the sensitive issue of Iraq.
"I said, 'George, I sat quietly while you planned your little war, and you said I'd get to decorate that country just as soon as Saddam was out of there. Well do you see any pink chiffon when you watch Fox News?! Do you see any taffeta?' No, because Mister Excitement says they might rebel if he lets me decorate their little country. I said 'Right, like what, they're gonna rebel more?'"
Such bold statements would seem to make Laura Bush the most independent thinking First Lady since Pat Nixon, who once famously told President Richard M. Nixon "Not tonight, Dick, I have a headache."
White House officials are stunned by Mrs. Bush's bold departures from the official script. The final 26 stops on her tour have been canceled and she's been recalled to Washington.
"The whole thing is a little confusing," said White House Press Secretary, Scott McLeland. "She went out there to discuss how important it is that teenage boys don't put their ding dongs in their girlfriends' hoo-haws. None of this has anything to do with hoo-haws at all. I'm sure she's just being misquoted." [By Kenny D. Batttes, 13 O'Clock Deptt. of TTTypewritters Tttthatt Sttick.]
CONGRESSIONAL FORCE AGAIN AT THE FORE(WALLA WALLA, WA) - Since the death of Terry Schiavo, U.S. political leaders have been in a deep funk. Saddened by the tragic, senseless loss of their close friend while at the same time emboldened by the discovery of their power to legislate matters of life and death, many have been pacing the House and Senate floors like caged panthers.
Then came the phone call from Washington State. Outgoing Governor Gary Locke had called off the execution of convicted murderer Pinky Tukkus seconds before the lethal chemicals were to be sent coursing through his body.
"This story embodies everything we're about in America today," said Congressman Buzz Rodkill (R-Alabama). "The perp is queer as a little girl on Neverland Ranch, we used the Patriot Act to check his voting records and, sure enough, he's a democrat, and best of all, it's a life and death thing so we get to play God again. Always a pleasure."
Tukkus and his lawyers are fighting to stop the politicians, of course, but as of this moment it seems likely the courts will rule against them and order the killing tube be put back in Tukkus' arm.
"No one has the right to mess with the sanctity of death," said Rodkill, his voice raising to a melodramatic roar. "Most of us have been prosecuting attorneys at one point or another, so we understand that when the D.A. decides it's time for someone die, then it's His will. We're here to see to it His will be done, dammit!" [By Lee Thaull, 13 O'Clock Deathwatch.]
MICHAEL JACKSON TAKES STAND IN HIS OWN DEFENSE(SANTA MARIA SCHRIVER, KAHLIFORNIA) At the Michael Jackson molestation trial late in the defense presentation a surprise witness was sworn in for testimony. When asked to identify himself for the court the stranger instead made a startling claim, the Michael Jackson that was arrested for child molestation is not the musical genius who records some of the top selling music of all time. To prove his claim he had a copy of the album Thriller put in as evidence and asked the court to compare the photos of the person on trial and the person on the album cover.
In a Perry Mason-like moment, the jury gasped and the assembled court nodded in agreement that the person pictured couldn't possibly be the same guy as the person arrested. Then the crowd gasped again as they realized that the man giving testimony looked like the man in the picture, albeit plus twenty years and plus 60 pounds. Indeed, he said he was the real Michael Jackson.
"Yes, it was around the time my hair caught on fire for that Pepsi commercial that I first got the idea to retire," stated Jackson, who is still black. "I realized that it was crazy for me to continue, so I hired this man to be my double, to be a replacement for all public performances, because I didn't want to disappoint my fans. I then moved to a place where no one has ever listened to my records, Coeur D'Alene, Idaho. Unfortunately I chose my replacement poorly." Jackson then affirmed that the impersonator he hired and who was later arrested as Jackson himself, was actually a former Catholic altar boy named Abraham Normal. "The Jehovah Witnesses warned me about Catholics, but I didn't listen. Heck, he doesn't even look like me!" said the paunchy Jackson. "Abe Normal is everything the police say he is and he should go to jail!" [by B. Trippin, 13 O'Clock Chapter of the Michael Jackson Fan Club President]
SENATOR BLOCKED, SEEKING RELIEF
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Senator John McCain sought medical attention today after experiencing weeks of discomfort due to severe constipation. He had reportedly taken the advice of Rush Limbaugh and consumed three bowls of bran cereal per day for the past week, but it had only left him bloated and angry. Doctors at Maryland's Our Lady Of Conditional Mercy Hospital believe they've located the source of McCain's problem. "This was something new," said Dr. Maxwell Klein, Chief Resident and alternating-weekend janitor, "or at least it was until a few months ago. This was no simple lactose thing." Doctors believe McCain is having a delayed reaction to the things he was forced to do while campaigning for George W. Bush last year. "Let's face it," said Dr. Klein, "Senator McCain had to swallow a whole lot of pride, not to mention honor and decency in order to go out there and sell George Bush. That stuff just backs up on you eventually." There is no word at this hour as to when McCain may return to his duties in the Senate. He's unable to obtain the laxative that was prescribed by Dr. Klein due to the severe demand for laxatives by approximately 51% of the American people. "Most of them don't have it quite as bad as Senator McCain," said Dr. Klein, "but they swallowed a lot of that stuff, too. They're backed up. Every Denny's restroom has a line around the block. Hell, no one's even seeing the NASCAR races. They're all in the Porta-Potties." [By Xavier Laxx, 13 O'Clock Plumbing Dept.]
BOLTON NOMINATION TRIPS OVER MORE ALLEGATIONS(WEST BUNNSEED, OHIO) Former Undersecretary of State John Bolton, President Bush's nominee for U.N. ambassador, has had anything but a smooth ride toward confirmation. He has been portrayed as difficult to work with, unable to compromise, harsh and even cruel. All of which can be found in the actual job description of U.N. ambassador. But neither Bolton nor the President expected the serious allegations that came this week from the tiny hamlet of West Bunnseed, Ohio. It is now alleged that while Bolton was shift manager at an unnamed fast food restaurant, underlings were often berated in front of customers, chased and beaten with coat hangers, fired, rehired and fired again, hunted for sport, and in the most severe cases beaten about the face and neck with dangerously hot French fry baskets.
"He was horrible," says Janice McDonald, who worked as a Hot Apple Pie Packager during Bolton's reign of terror. "Once, the bun guy got the order of condiments wrong. Mr. Bolton pistol-whipped him, jumping up and down and screaming 'you're fired! You're fired! You're fired!' Which seemed to me to be... I don't know, it seemed a little over the top."
Bolton's spokeswoman, Laura D. Paine, responded to the allegations, not with a denial but with a statement of fact. "Mr. Bolton told the moron a hundred times, it's pickles, then onions on the sesame seed bun, but he couldn't get it right. Some people just need to be pistol whipped every so often. And Mr. Bolton says you can all fuck yourselves, he has work to do."
Democratic senators present at the press conference were at a loss for words. "Yeah," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, "Someone else can filibuster him. The man makes me shake. Worse, I mean." [By Dee Sade, 13 O'Clock Dept. of Discipline.]
RADICAL GROUP GIVES NYC OLYMPIC BLESSING(NEW YORK CITY, NY) The organization known as NYC2012 cleared another hurdle today in its bid to bring the 2012 Olympic Games to New York City. Though the eventual goal is to secure the blessings of the International Olympic Committee, NYC2012 seeks to obtain approval of as many international bodies as possible to sway the vote of the I.O.C. and gain the confidence of New York's citizenry. Today's announcement of support from the Al Qaeda terrorist network surprised and delighted NYC2012 co-chairman, Franco "The Fish" Gennaro.
"It shows you the spirit of athletic competition can bring everyone together," said Gennaro during a noon-hour press conference at Vito's Italian Eatery, "be they democrats and republicans, or be they New Yorkers and terrorists who have a history of blowing up sizable sections of New York."
Al Qaeda's leader, Osama bin Laden, could not be reached for comment at press time, but a spokesman for the group, Bob al Smith, said the 2012 Olympics could be the beginning of big things for his group.
"It looks like this little thing's gonna happen," said a delighted al Smith. "Hey, what can I tell ya? God is great, you know what I'm saying? God is good. All we can say is build it up big, New York. We're with you all the way."
Unfortunately, al Smith refused to answer questions regarding Al Qaeda's motives for helping NYC2012, but he did make a solid promise to organizers. "Hey, I hate to steal lines from the great movies, but let me just say if you build it, we will come." [By Holly Kaust, 13 O'Clock Dept. of Bad Intelligence.]
FIRST PICK IN NFL DRAFT SHROUDED IN MYSTERY(NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK) America's newest millionaire is Lester Zah-Biing, a 220-pound tailback out of UNLV who was the first player selected in this year's NFL draft. The Jets picked Zah-Biing despite the player's refusal to participate in the NFL Combine, the Senior Bowl, Pro Day or any of the other events where players work out and scouts evaluate them. Zah-Biing is the first player in history to refuse to participate in all of those events. This intrigued many teams, but when Zah-Biing was arrested for assault last week, at least a dozen teams began a strange dance of trading up and over one another in the draft order so they could select him. The Jets won the Zah-Bing lottery by sending fourteen players and a 747 airplane to the Kansas City Chiefs for their number one draft slot. Two hours after the draft, Jets team president Biff Blanston faced the New York press to admit they had made a serious error. "The one thing we forgot was to check his stats and see if he was any good," said a grim-faced Blanston. "Turns out he was suspended for gambling before his first game at UNLV and never even suited up. He was academically ineligible in high school because he never bothered to show up, and he didn't turn out in Junior High. Looks like we goofed this one." Many in the press are calling for Blanston's resignation at this hour. The beleaguered executive will be trying to explain this one for weeks to come. "Hey, we'd never heard of this guy and then suddenly he's throwing this bitchy attitude everywhere," Blanston explained. "I'm sorry, but we football execs are only human. We see a head case like that and we figure he HAS to be a great player. This guy was such a prima donna my nipples got hard. But hey, it's only 25 million." [By Brian Bosworth, 13 O'Clock Damage Control Dept.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Hint: You can't. Though there's probably at least a hint of truth in most of these stories, and sometimes more truth than the tradition press ever comes up with. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.