Str er jsbomh est ury?

Damn! I was trying to type "Are we having war yet?" but I couldn't see the keys on my keyboard. I knew I wouldn't be able to type with all that duct tape on it! Guess I'll have to accept some danger and try to do things as normally as I can in our brave new Orange-alert world.

You'd think we were prepared for anything now that we have all these wonderful instructions from Homeland Security! So let's have a show of hands -- how many people feel safer now that they've sealed off their homes with duct tape? Gee, I don't see too many hands! Here in California we already keep emergency kits ready in case of earthquakes; realistically I think that's about all you can do. Awhile ago I would have found it hard to believe that anyone thinks duct tape would really help, but there was at least one lady listening. She was right in front of me at the local Bulk Club Depot buying a set of aluminum flashlights, batteries and four giant rolls of silvery 3M unidirectional bonding stripping. Wait a second, that's it! This is all a ploy by the Resident to get the flashlight, battery and adhesive tape sectors of the economy moving again!

If only that were so. I hear these non-specific warnings and can only think that everything the Bushies have been saying lately is designed to keep us paranoid and not thinking about all the other problems they've created. Orange or other fruit-flavored alerts aside, it's marvelous to see how nicely Dubya has spewed out his rhetoric in the last few weeks. He reads almost as well as Reagan used to, and especially during the State Of The Union speech! Also don't you just love how the Senators and Congressmen all become cheerleaders at the functions? Even for the things they know he has no intention of following through on. You know, little things like leaving no kid behind in education. Repeating that came right after Dubya's big announcement on affirmative action. He's against it of course, he wants the system to run on the level playing field of scholastic merit. In a way that's the right thing, but schools are far from equal in terms of producing merit in the first place. Smoothing out the economic inequalities of different school districts would be better than any affirmative action or quota system, but no, George doesn't want to actually DO anything to ensure schools can put their students on a level playing field. He's just telling us what he's against; he doesn't want to give us any action he might be accountable for. He's a fine one to talk about a level playing field anyway; he's so much a product of privilege it's amazing he can say anything about a merit system with a straight face.

[Pictured: John Snow]

Another item those good ole boys cheered was simply a bald-faced howler. Dubya actually said that his administration had made progress cleaning up corporate greed! That must be why he appointed John Snow his new Treasury Secretary. During his tenure as Chairman of CSX Railroad Snow was helping himself to huge payoffs even as profits dropped dramatically. He got $24 million in interest free loans, plus CSX is still paying him almost $2.5 million a year for the rest of his life. Exactly the kind of corporate perks that Dubya says were all cleaned up. Sounds like the perfect guy to go after corporate greedheads and play Casey Jones on Bush's runaway train of deficits!

Next the Congress was shouting "huzzah" for changing the tax codes to correct "double taxation" since profits are taxed once at the corporate level and then as income when dividends are paid to stockholders. Hey there's double and triple taxation everywhere, George. I'm taxed on income and then there's sales tax when I buy stuff, that's double, but I deal with it and life is still good. Is there any "conservative" willing to admit that the United States is still a giant cruise ship floating in the Sea of Luxury? Is anyone who gets those dividends really poverty stricken? Last I heard the Sea of Luxury was turning into a Sea of Red Ink, but those party hacks will cheer any tax cut program until they bankrupt the whole country.

I could go on about issues like this but it's time to tackle the main subject of the Resident's recent rhetoric - his upcoming war. "Get Saddam!;" it's the only part of the State Of The Union that I believe he'll follow through on. No matter the lack of provocation, no matter the worldwide protests, no matter the worldwide repercussions, Bush is focused on his show. Talk about cheers, he thinks he'll get a mighty round of applause like his Dad did in '91. You remember? It was right before he let Saddam kill a lot of Kurds. He probably fantasizes Iraqi armed forces putting up little or no fight, then a popular revolt will rise up and cheering throngs will greet us in Baghdad, demanding democracy and digital cable. Fat chance of that, but who cares? Let's make some noise!

But someone else has been cheering George's words too. Osama Bin Laden.

That's right. Osama Bin Laden is rubbing his hands in glee because Dubya is doing exactly what he hoped, starting a war against Islam. Oh, I completely understand that George doesn't label his attack against Iraq that way, but his spin isn't what matters. What matters is how Bin Laden gets to label it. Can a young poverty stricken Muslim, especially one whose family has been hurt in an American attack, help but see things Bin Laden's way and not Bush's?

But that's only the first of many reasons why I'm against this war.

I just postulated Bush's fantasy scenario - how about the worst case scenario? Let's say Iraq does have nukes and uses them when we attack. Hussein manages to fry several hundred thousand of our troops. We vaporize part of Baghdad in reply. Saddam responds by irradiating Tel Aviv. Israel sends cruise missiles that mushroom the rest of Baghdad. But Saddam is long escaped from there and while in a cave, he meets Osama Bin Laden and forges an alliance. Finally nukes are into the arms of terrorists and we are defenseless because our elite forces are gone. We start lobbing nukes at caves, jungles, cities, anywhere Saddam and Osama are rumored to be. Osama responds by smuggling a small bomb into Washington, atomizing Bush. Dick Cheney responds by... you get the picture.

I doubt that Hussein has the nukes so I don't think that will happen; on the other hand I'm pretty certain it's not going to be a repeat of '91 too. Forget tank warfare in the open desert, Iraq's troops will probably fight us house to house in Baghdad this time and to spare American lives we will bomb and strafe whole city blocks in an effort to find Saddam. The 300 casualties we took in 1991 will be nothing compared to this, but worse, the civilian casualties will be enormous. This killing of innocents alone should make us think twice, but we can expect a tragedy like this to fuel terrorism for decades to come. And that ultimately defeats the reason for attacking Hussein in the first place. Yes, Osama is very happy; we are creating another wave of recruits for him.

A bunch of friends and I debated all this by email last month. One of my right wing friends kept saying Saddam is capital-E-Evil and how we must attack, decrying all the "moral relativism" of anyone who opposes the war. He wonders why everyone isn't seeing things in "black and white" like his conservative heroes do.

So is it really a question of Black versus White? Bush says we are the Good Guys and there is an Axis Of Evil in the world. There are no shades of gray; you're either with us or you are against us. Seeing things as a struggle of Absolute Good versus Absolute Evil always makes strong rhetoric. But is it really all that simple?

It's a viewpoint with a long history in our culture. I'm willing to bet Resident Bush doesn't know the name of Zoroaster, but both he and Bin Laden are acting on Zoroaster's dualistic philosophy. Oh, you don't know who Zoroaster is either? The prophet Zoroaster, also known as Zarathustra, lived around 500 BC and was one of the biggest influences on Judeo-Christian-Islamic philosophy. But strangely he was Persian, not Hebrew.

Our ideas about the nature of God have changed greatly over time. We claim to be monotheists, believing in one all-powerful God, but many also believe in a second powerful being called the Devil. However, if you read the oldest parts of the Old Testament, there is no mention of the Devil. In spite of the Serpent creating mischief in Eden, God is described as the source of all things, good and bad. For example, every time in the Old Testament that the Jews were conquered, it is portrayed as God's doing. Yahweh action's are not Evil, but a punishment.

[Pictured: Ahriman]

In contrast Zoroaster believed the world was defined by the struggle of two primordial forces which can be loosely defined as Good and Evil. The Good was called the Wise Lord, or Acura Honda. Wait a second, that's not right! I know it sounds like a car name but oh yes, here it is in the Closet Philosophers' Almanac: the Good God was called "Ahura Mazda." The Bad God was called "Ahriman." Sounds kinda Jamaican doesn't it? According to the sacred book of the faith, Zoroaster is said to have received a vision from Ahura Mazda, who appointed him to preach about the cosmic strife between him and Ahriman. Moreover he said that man had been given a choice between the forces of Good and Evil, and that at the end of time people who had been Good would go to a Good place and people who had been Bad would be given over to Ahriman and spend eternity in a place of torment. Sound familiar? Up to this point Jewish dogma had nothing similar to the concept of Heaven and Hell. God gave Adam and Eve an earthly immortal life in Eden, not Heaven. When he made a covenant with Moses it was "to make a great nation" not to have eternal life in Heaven. "Sheol," often translated as Hell, was only the grave. "To dust shall you return," right?

Centuries later when the Jews were defeated and exiled by the Babylonians, they still felt it was God's will that had put them in that terrible position. The Persians later freed them and their faith infected Jewish thought. Borrowing from Zoroaster they still claimed to be monotheistic, but adding the concept of Ahriman or Satan released God from doing Evil to his chosen people. Little by little the Zoroastrian idea of a cosmic adversary and apocalyptic events at the end of time began showing in the books of Isaiah, Ezekiel and others. The tradition continued in later Christian thought, such as John's Revelation and beyond the Bible, Dante's Inferno. The Koran reflects a lot of this kind of thought too.

Bottom line, it's the original moral absolutism: You're on the side of Good in life or on the side of Evil. It's an attractive idea that sells really well and it still echoes today, especially in the current rush to war. After all who doesn't want to be on the side of Good and receive eternal life as a reward when the alternative is so unattractive. Moreover you get to feel smug when your leader tells you that the Good Work he tells you to do is fighting Evil. Like God wants.

I forget now, was it Osama or Dubya who was all plugged in and telling us exactly what God wants?

Anyway, what bullshit! NOBODY sees things in perfect black and white. EVERYBODY is a relativist to one degree or another and the conservatives are no different. When push comes to shove, the only thing they see in black and white is their own self interest.

You don't believe me? How black and white is it when the Good Guys call Hussein a Hitler but we are importing twice as much Iraqi oil now as we did in November? "Well we have to because the supply from Venezuela has been shaky," I hear the oil men moan. How black and white is it when the Good Guys say we are trying to disarm a dictator who might have nuclear weapons, yet we are considering using them ourselves? "We have to keep our options open," say the generals. How black and white is it when the Good Guys threaten an unprovoked preemptive attack? "We have to destroy his ability to make war because maybe he'll attack us," say the special forces teams already inside Iraq. How black and white will it be when the Good Guys have killed more innocent civilians than Osama Bin Laden did on September 11th? Nobody wants to answer that one do they? Well, we probably passed that milestone already in Afghanistan. Iraq will only add to the body count. Nobody in the Bush Administration wants to think about that; nobody wants to think about what the aftermath of a war will be there.

[Pictured: Zoroaster]

I am sick of being called a "moral relativist" by people who trumpet morality but have no morals themselves. Oh and there's one more thing that Zoroaster demanded of the faithful: absolute adherence to the Truth. Where was the Truth is any of the Resident's recent rhetoric? C'mon now, George, what's the real reason you're forcing this war? Is it the oil? Is it revenge for the attempt on your dad's life? Is it just a ploy to win the elections last year that got out of control? Is it some Zoroastrian Crusader Cowboy complex that only you understand, or is it just because diplomacy is hard work and killing is easy? I am sure that if there is a Hell, there is a special place in it for pseudo-Christians like you who spill blood in spite of all of Jesus' injunctions against it.

To answer my original question, we are not having war yet. There's still time to stop this. I still believe America stands for Human Good, and we don't have to let Dubya drag us down to his level. I think it's time we the people made some noise of our own. I'm not going back in to the Closet this month. I'm driving some friends down to Main Street to protest this insanity right now.

Uh, wait a second, guys, I think I left the keys for my Ahura Mazda in the Closet. Oh, no, here they are stuck to this wad of used duct tape! Let's roll!

(C) 2003 - Rusty Pipes

Official Disclaimer: Here's where I (DJ Johnson, editor in chief) usually write something off the wall that resembles a disclaimer written on shrooms, which is just a fun thing Rusty and I worked out a few years ago. Not this month. Not gonna do'er. Wouldn't be prudent. Got places to be. Goin' with Rusty to protest this bullshit. So should you. Don't just sit there worrying about it. Do something. Write something. Carry a sign, maybe. Or be a real desperado and wear a peace T-shirt in a mall. But be heard. Be counted.