BUSH TAPES PROVE HE LOVES GAYS

(WASHINGTON A.C.) As conservatives recoiled in horror all around the nation this week, blown away by remarks then-Governor George W. Bush made while a tape recorder took them down without his knowledge, White House mouthpiece Scott McClellan was putting a different spin on those remarks.

"This answers those critics who have accused the president of gay-bashing," said an obviously pleased McClellan to a roomful of reporters, most of whom had never worked as gay prostitutes. "Clearly, the president loves queers as much as the next Texas Republican loves queers."

McClellan's claim comes just after the release of a segment of tape on which then-Governor Bush is heard pledging not to join up with conservative Christians he felt were "kicking gays."

"Kicking gays would just be much too 'Matthew Shepherd'," notes McClellan, "and the president is nothing if not an innovator. That's been done. Besides, he loves them damn queers, Hoss."

But did he love that damn cocaine? Even on the accidental tell-all tape, the future leader of the free world wouldn't say. When asked by interviewer Doug Wead to comment on accusations of cocaine use, Bush said he wouldn't comment on such accusations, and that he thought it was "time for someone to draw the line." He would not say, however, just when the last time he drew a few lines might have been.

It should be noted that despite the fact that Mr. Bush had no idea he was being recorded and he thought it was just a conversation between two friends, there was no mention of the Alabama Air National Guard situation that might have corroborated theories that he was AWOL and loving it. On the other hand, if he was drawing the line with regularity at that time, he probably couldn't even remember it. More on this story as soon as we get the tape deck un-jammed. [By Evelyn Rosemary Woods, 13 O'Clock High-Speed Transcription Dept.]


DICK CHENEY LEAVES ADMINISTRATION

(YEEHAW, WYOMING) Dick Cheney left the Administration today to fulfill a life long dream: owning his own gas station. The Vice President will go back Wyoming and erect his station near Devil's Tower, "a place I've always had a great affinity for," according to the happy retiree. It will be a no-frills, self service operation and Cheney plans to call the station U Fuel, "out of respect for those willing to contribute a small amount of labor to the greater good of my little enterprise."

Patrons and supplicants will be able to see Cheney every day in a tiny cubicle with a cash register behind three inches of bulletproof glass where he will accept cash and ATM cards, plus compliments on his years of government service and his deft handling of the war in Iraq.

An anonymous source in the White House, who goes only by the code letter W, says that the former Veep really wanted to stay in Washington, but he ran some numbers and realized that he was in the wrong business, that with today's high gas prices he could make more than all his Halliburton kickbacks. W also wants to tell Cheney that everyone is sad to see him go and that Karl Rove says he's sorry. [By Jeannine Tonic, 13 O'Clock Retirement Planner.]


WHAT'S UP WITH THE FALCON NEWS?

(STATEAMIND, TX) In the wake of criticism over actions by one of its reporters, Falcon News has gone dark. The conservative "news" website, home of White House correspondant Turk Cannon, had been under intense scrutiny for publishing articles that weren't articles at all, but were often verbatim copies of White House press releases and Republican Party talking points. Accused of trying to ram home the Republican agenda, the site's parent company, GOPUYA (Grand Old Party Up Your Ass), decided to pull the plug. "Hey, if they're gonna sit there and point things out, we're outta here, Bubba," said GOPUYA Director of Spellchecking, Bitsy Ross. "Suddenly it's all about integrity and ethics, and we just don't have time for that kind of nonsense." Suspicions were raised when Cannon, who had a press pass and an 8x10 of Karl Rove, asked President George W. Bush a softball question during a press conference. Dirk McFarland, of mediamartyrs.com, quickly caught on and exposed Cannon. "It was subtle," says McFarland, "but the part where he told the President he felt the American People must band together and name him President-For-Life just didn't ring true. The President was obviously pleased, but I mean... it wasn't even a question. Hello!" [By Ollie South, 13 O'Clock Secret Press Corp.]


ROCKERS' SUNSET YEARS DRIVE CREATION OF 'PETARS'

(SAUGERTIES, NY) On Tuesday, a news conference was called in the small town of Saugerties, New York, which was the epicenter for a rock explosion in 1969 known to the world as Woodstock. Unlike many other news conferences designed to revitalize careers or announce new albums, this one was to promote a cause that few think about: Treating over-the-hill rock stars with care and dignity. In announcing the creation of PETARS (People for the Ethical Treatment of Aging Rock Stars), co-founders Rob Flinders and Marv Bargeld called for the world to "look at the joy and excitement that these people once brought into our lives, and to treat these musicians to a sunset of their lives worthy of their former stature." On hand were John Sebastian of the '60s group The Lovin' Spoonful, guitarist Leslie West of Mountain, and Carmine Appice, drummer for heavy rockers Vanilla Fudge. The generation whose mantra was "Never trust anyone over 30" is now in its fifties and sixties, with nowhere to go but down.

"We never thought we'd have to face the indignities that we've been confronted with as we grope our way through a post-fame life," Mark Lindsay, singer with '60s hitmakers Paul Revere & The Raiders, emphasized. "Touring the world, making millions, turning out records, and being mobbed with screaming fans seemed normal to us. Now we're lucky if we can get gigs at supermarket openings or auto shows."

"Unlike Motown or doo-wop musicians, we don't have a venue. A lot of us have been forgotten," lamented guitarist Pat Travers, who today spends most of his time watching TV game shows. "I've probably gotten twice as good on guitar and have written thousands of songs since I last had a hit, but nobody cares. Nobody."

What do these forgotten giants want? Some respect. A little dignity. "The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is a nice monument," aging rocker Peter Frampton says, "but it would be better if they'd actually let the people enshrined there play there, too. Instead, we get a 10% senior citizen's discount for admission. I once tried to bring my guitar in there, and they thought I was a vagrant who wanted to steal valuable gear."

PETARS is trying to raise money and awareness so that rockers who've hit bottom can face the world and hold their heads high, have a place to live, and can mingle with others who may have strummed, drummed, or thumped on the big stages in years past. "Most need shoes, dental care, arthritis rubs, and all the things other seniors need," Bargeld said. "However, most are broke and live in delusional worlds they created decades ago and can't escape. They still think that roadies will deliver their gear, that record company execs will jet them to the Caribbean for lobster dinners, and that the money and fun never really ran out. It's sad, but it's the reality we have to face."

Look for PETARS awareness cards at Taco Bell, McDonald's, Wal-Mart, and other places where many of the former headliners now work. [By C.F. Turner, 13 O'Clock Entry-Level Typist]


STEROID CASE GETS UGLY

(NEW YORK, NY) Major League Baseball's spokesmen aren't talking, and neither are those who are busily preparing to question athletes in front of a Congressional committee regarding steroid sales and usage. In fact, reporters clamoring for a story would be out of luck entirely if it weren't for the surprising verbosity of Dr. Robert Altermera, super agent for ex-baseball player Mark McGwire.

"We resent any insinuation that Mr. McGwire's home runs weren't legit," said an agitating Altermera, speaking to a throng of reporters while held aloft on one of McGwire's giant forearms. "He hit at least one-seventh of those homers before we juiced the hell out of him, and nobody's giving him credit for that. That's just wrong."

McGwire, who was forced to retire when his arms would no longer fit inside the batter's box, has been subpoenaed by the Congressional committee, but Altermera says they "will fight with every ounce of strength in McGwire's body." Ironically, the press conference ended prematurely when McGwire's left arm snapped like balsa wood and Altermera fell to his death amid a gaggle of reporters. [By Chuck Atlas, 13 O'Clock Weighting Room Reporter.]


KRUSTY KREEM ANNOUNCES NEW DIET DONUT

(HOUSTON, TX) Today in the country's most overweight city, Krusty Kreem announced the successful development of a new donut that "Dieters can eat to their heart's content" according to a company spokesperson. The new No Carb Donut has had all the sugar and flour removed, but is "still plenty tasty."

At the news conference Experimental Donut Project Head Chef Al Dente said the project was extremely difficult because donuts are basically 100% carbs except for the oil they are cooked in. In thinking about the oil he revealed how he got his great breakthrough, which lead him to make the No Carb Donut from a secret list of ingredients.

Our crack 13 O'Clock investigative team however has found a source deep inside a local Krusty Kreem, a donut cook, who claims that the new confection is made entirely from sawdust, saccharin, animal gelatin and petrochemicals. The source also claimed that he was underpaid and was basically slave labor, chained to the deep fryer for 12 hour shifts, but has assured us he no ax to grind in giving us the secret recipe because he still needs the work. [By Tupac Luvhandel, 13 O'Clock Munchy Maven]


RICE STEAMED BY REPORTS OF 2008 RUN

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Condoleezza Rice faced half a dozen of Washington's most notorious interviewers this weekend, but she didn't blink. "I'm not running for president, dash it all," said an annoyed but controlled Rice on Spin On This, America's number one political fluff program. "You've asked me fourteen times in the last five minutes, and I keep telling you, no, I'm not going to run. Why won't anyone in this town believe what I say?" Rather than wait for an answer to her rhetorical question, Rice threw her coffee at Spin On This host Buck Rammer and ran from that set to the set of National Disgrace, a talk show on the Fox Network, where she spent the next hour celebrating her upcoming candidacy with fellow republicans and right wing media personalities. Later, Rice maintained her claim that she would never run for president, but told reporters that she was tired of the harassment and that all further questions must be directed to her campaign manager, Karen Hughes. [By Edith Pilaf, 13 O'Clock Political Nutritionist.]


NEW POLICE REGULATIONS PROPOSED FOR LOS ANGELES

(DEEP SOUTH CENTRAL, LA) New regulations Los Angeles Police regulations are now being considered to make certain that officer involved shootings are kept to a minimum and completely justified. At a press conference today Deputy Chief of Police Shamus Lugar said that the regulations will now require all officers to fill out a detailed questionnaire with their suspects concerning their ethnicity, economic status and intention with whatever weapon they are holding before the police are allowed to draw any weapon, including their baton, tasers, mace, morning stars, swords, pistols, nanchuks, pikes or affix the razor blades in the toes of their shoes.

The questionnaire will then be transmitted to city hall for "expedited processing," and then instructions will be sent to the officer by radio as soon as it's out of committee. "We expect this will reduce police shootings to only those that are completely justified, “said Lugar.

A representative of the Police Union, Harley Ryder, said that he also expects the new regulations to dramatically reduce overcrowding in jails because suspects will "probably die of old age before we get the go ahead to arrest them."

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger meanwhile has called the new regulations unacceptable and has called instead for police statewide to be issued Gatling guns and shoulder-fired missiles in case any violent suspects turn out to be malevolent robots. "We always can figure out if dey are robots after de autopsy," quipped the Governor, who plans to seek funs from Washington for the weapons upgrade. "Dey love to buy weapons dere, dis is not a problem," he said. [By Bjorn Suspect, 13 O'Clock South Central Bureau]


MAN KILLS SELF, COMPLETELY FORGETS TO KILL 4

(SPRINGFIELD, AL) Residents of this sleepy town are anything but shocked this morning as news of a non-tragedy reaches their television sets. "Shoot, I've known Cletus for years," said area unemployed fisherman Ray Bob Bobbaray, "and I'm surprised he done took this long to kill hisself." The Cletus in question, Cletus Q. Snarkly, drank two cases of beer this morning and walked into the ball bearing plant where he worked, armed with two semi-automatic pistols and wearing an explosive vest. After running in circles in the lobby for two minutes, screaming the names of several people he believed to be sleeping with his wife, Snarkly turned one of the guns on himself. Paramedics arrived too late to save Snarkly, but they were able to record his final words, which were "How many did I get?" Bobbaray isn't surprised. "Key-rist, man, only thing surprises me is he loaded the dang gun. Hell, he ain't even got no wife. We kept reminding him, he kept on forgettin'." The official coroner's report lists the cause of death as "cheap beer." [By Joe Otis Glughorn, 13 O'Clock Up On Blocks Dept.]


PLANS FOR PRINCE CHARLES'S WEDDING CEREMONY ANNOUNCED

(CRACKERBOX PALACE, LONDON) Prince Charles announced plans recently to wed his longtime paramour Camilla Parker Bowles and now more details are available on the ceremony that is planned. It will be a small ceremony for 50,000 composed of all the remaining of noble blood in England. A spokesperson for Queen Elizabeth says the nobles will come "not so much to celebrate the marriage as to mourn the demise of the house of Windsor itself." One other small detail was also announced: Queen Elizabeth will commit suicide immediately before the ceremony, fulfilling a promise made years ago that the Prince would "marry that commoner cow over my dead body." [By Lindsey Buckingham-Palace 13 O'Clock Court Reporter]


CHICAGO MAN ELECTED TO IRAQI PARLIAMENT

(LITTLE BASRA, IL) After the votes were finally counted in the Iraqi elections, it was discovered that one of the seats in the new Iraqi Governing Council was won by a resident of this prominent Iraqi suburb of Chicago. Unfortunately the resident wasn't running and was dumbfounded to find airline tickets to Baghdad in his mailbox early in February. "At first I thought I was drafted or somethin," says Al Cisstani a man of Italian descent who lives in the area of Little Basra because he likes Iraqi style baklava." Cisstani said that he wouldn't go to Baghdad for a million dollars, that is until he actually did get a certified notice of deposit of a million dollars in a Swiss bank account the next day, payable on his arrival in Iraq. Cisstani says he'll invest $50,000 in personal body armor immediately. [By Anna Quandary, 13 O'Clock Election Section]


CONGRESS TO ALLOW DRUGS BACK ON MARKET

(MARGARITAVILLE, DC) The anti-inflammatory drug Vioxx will be allowed back on the market according to sources in Congress, due to a mistake in a transcript made by Congressional Committee on the Scourge of Gay Marriage. Apparently the Committee was trying to write a law to "inhibit two cock marriages," but due to a typographical error by a congressional page in typing up the law itself, they ended up banning "Cox-II Inhibitors."

"There's no heart attack risk from these drugs at all," assured Congressman Hollis "Holly" Shirtman speaking on the beach at Cancun where he was attending a drug industry conference. "We'll get the gay marriage thing passed properly as soon as we get back to Washington."

A formal apology to Merck and $162 Million in restitution for lost sales is due on the President's desk this week. [By Lance Boyle, 13 O'Clock Pharmacy Desk]


PRESIDENT SHOCKED BY OWN MISDEEDS

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President George W. Bush is shocked to learn that reporters have been paid to file articles and columns favorable to his agenda. The resident banged his fist on the podium and looked directly into the cameras to say "This is a bad practice, one that I don't cotton to, and it will stop right'chere." Meanwhile, the investigation by the GAO (General Accounting Office) will continue, and as it does it continues to find more evidence of inappropriate transactions between the Bush Administration and various right wing journalists. "It just sickens me, as I'm pretty sure it sickens you," said the President, speaking to a White House press room filled with fake reporters in leopard-skin banana hammocks. "Our agenda ought to be able to stand on its own two feet." No word as of yet on whether or not the agenda is expected to stand up again or take nourishment on its own anytime soon. [By Helen T., apparently the only real reporter in the $#!%ing room.]

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THE 13 O'CLOCK NEWS ALARMING AWARDS FOR 2004

OH DEAR! It's time again to strap in, put on safety helmets, close our eyes and get The Alarming Awards over with. Talking about these people is frightening, after all. What are The Alarming Awards? They are the awards we give to those who have made the previous year less than stellar. For example, if this were 2005's awards, which will be given next year, you might see The Person We Least Want In Charge Of Our Personal Security Award going to whoever issued Jeff Gannon a White House press pass. That's the idea, and here are the 2004 Alarming Awards.

Best New Contribution to the Lexicon: Wardrobe Malfunction - Justin Timberlake and Janet Jackson.

The Who Me? Oh I Always Wear A HUGE GOLD NIPPLE RING Award: Janet Jackson.

The You've Revived Your Career Yet Doomed It To Always Be About One Dumb Thing Award: Janet Jackson.

The Wrapping Himself in the Flag Award: Tie, Kid Rock and George Bush.

The Did You Really Want Your 15 Minutes Of Fame to Be Pointing to a Prisoner's Privates, Private? Award: Private Lynndie England, Abu Ghraib Prison Guard.

Best Yell: Yeearrg! - Howard Dean.

Worst Job Hiding a Hidden Agenda: The Swift Boat torpedo crew, who tried to come off as patriots who just wanted evil ol' John Kerry exposed, while the Republican friends and funding showed up in day-glo for all to see.

The Please Go Back to the 18th Century Award: Democrat Zell Miller, who challenged Chris Matthews to a duel when the latter questioned his Republican Convention speech.

The Nothing To See Here Award: The media, who failed to cover more than a hundred thousand protesters in New York and the mass arrests by the police during the Republican Convention.

The Who's Pissed-On Now Award: The Lakers Reloaded with Hall of Famers losing 4-1 to the Detroit Pistons. (Alternately known as the "Yankees Checkbook Curse" Award.)

The We Really Didn't Need That Much Ancient Greek Culture Award: Alexander. (Runner Up - Troy. This award is well known, of course, for the controversial 70s win by Last Tango in Paris.)

The Real Problem With Hip Hop Culture Award: Soul Plane.

The Worst Pronunciation of a Single Syllable Word Award: George Bush, who repeatedly garbled "Ghraib" in "Abu Ghraib."

The Bringing a Knife to a Gun Fight Award: The Democrats.

The We'll Find Something Negative on Kerry To Yammer About Award: All the Sunday talk shows who made such a big deal about John Kerry mentioning Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter, instead of George Bush losing his third debate in a row.

The Three Debate Strikes and You're Re-Elected Award: George Bush.

Worst Feature Movie Award: Van Helsing.

Worst New Album Award: Far too many to choose from.

The Quickest Exit from the Cabinet Award: Colin Powell by a nose over John Ashcroft.

The Please Go Home With Your Republican Financing Award: Ralph Nader.

The Politeness in the Halls of Congress Award: Dick Cheney.

The Michael Moore Hates America Award: To everyone who ever said that without seeing Fahrenheit 911.

The I'll Talk About Sleazy, Immoral, Liberals Anyway Award: Bill O'Reilly, who was accused of immoral behavior with a female assistant.

Best Curse Removal Award: The Boston Red Sox.

The We'll Remember You Every Time We Buy Duct Tape Award: The very effective Tom Ridge, outgoing Director Of Homeland Security.

The Staying Employed Despite Having No Real Talent Award: Attack columnist Ann Coulter.

The About Face Award: Alan Keyes. The About Face is awarded to the person who best displays an ability to spin around at high speed without falling over. Keyes, who once criticized Hillary Clinton for running for the Senate in New York when she didn't officially live there, did the same thing in Illinois in order to face Barack Obama. We know what you're thinking, but the criteria simply requires that the candidate not fall over immediately. Keyes waited until election day.

The Broken Watch Award: Cosmik Debris Magazine, for maintaining a terribly confusing release date schedule. When asked why this was happening, the editor simply wandered away from the press conference in a daze.

The Hard Pressed For Truth Award: The "Old Press" in America. With the Republican takeover in 2004 came the taming of the Press, and even the ineffective sound-bite system was no longer threatening to expose much of anything. Since then, some outrageous actions by various characters in government have angered many of the tradition news organizations back into action, but we still have a long way to go, and that's pretty alarming.

That's it for the 2004 Alarming Awards. If you won an award, please be patient. We can't afford the statues right now. We may pawn some old guitars to pay for a few, and Rusty's wife is going to make some on a pottery wheel, but that takes time. Chill. We're non-profit.

TV SUGGESTIONS

Kate & Ally McBeal: Home & Garden Channel, Monday, 6:30 PM

Catherine Zita Jones and Calista Flockhart fuss over flower arrangements, sewing patterns, recipes for old fashioned home cooked meals and anything else that might help one net an aging actor. This week: Calista goes ballistic when she thinks Catherine is doing the horizontal bop with her old man. Also, fresh-baked huckleberry cookies and champagne.


Pimp My Pimp: MTV, Tuesday, 7:00 PM

Formerly on the Ho' & Garden Variety Channel, this reality show moves to MTV beginning tonight. Rapper XhibishinZT finds the poorest hookers in town and pimps out their pimps in the kind of furs, chains and heels that bring respect and money.


Candid Icebox: ABC, Tuesday, 9:00 PM

Allan Thicke hosts reality show where a discarded refrigerator, with a hidden camera inside, is placed in unlikely locales. This week: St. Peter's Basillica, Dan Rather's dressing room, Brittney Spears' home recording studio.


GOP Week: Fox, Wednesday, 10:00 PM

Victories for the party are examined and strategy for the week ahead is discussed. This week: Voluntary sterilization - is it the answer to the "Democrat problem," and if so, how do we go about facilitating the "voluntary" attitude? A fair and balanced debate, starring Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter, is featured.


Michael's Playhouse: Jackson Family Net, Thursday, 7:00 PM

In this episode, Michael frolics with the kids in Neverland while the evil Mr. Prosecutor plots and plans to steal the sun and the rainbow. Songs include "The Stroke," "Dirty Laundry" and, from Rocky Horror Show, "Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-touch Me." [Network has announced that this will be the final show in the series due to uncertainty over the star's availability for next season.]


Democrat Week: FrankenNetwork, Thursday, 11:53 PM

Survivors hole up in a storage room near Senate chambers and wait for reinforcements. A battered and bruised Ted Kennedy wants to charge the Republicans and let the chips fall where they may, but the other Democrats shout him down and insist on staying hidden. Elsewhere, Hilary Clinton begins to wonder where her Secret Service detail went. [FrankenNetwork plans an announcement warning that the content of this program might not be suitable for any members of the family.]

Who Wants A Knuckle Sandwich?: FOX, Friday, 7:30 PM

This week: Celebrity Mayhem. Boxer Mike Tyson picks fights with women and children in department stores. Meanwhile, Gary Busey pounds on a neighbor's new BMW with a crowbar to see what happens. Courtney Love makes a cameo appearance.

Malfunction Junction: NOGGIN, Saturday, 8:00 AM

Cartoon characters based on officials from NASA and Morton-Thiokol frolic on the farm, disregarding warnings from the "Science Witches" about their new spacehip they built out of twigs and feathers.

Cops 'N' Bobbers: ESPN, Sunday, 7:30 PM

Boston police face off against Detroit police to see who can apply better anti-riot tactics against wide-mouthed and striped bass in Lake Ponchartrain. Also: Latest detonators for dynamite fishing are explored.




13 O'Clock News Official Disclaimer:

None of our White House Correspondents have ever worked for Talon News and none, as far as we know, have ever worked as male escorts. But we will rectify the situation soon and hire some of them because it's clear these guys know how to party.