BUSH'S CARRIER LANDING: WHO'S GOT THE STICK?
(SOMEWHERE IN AN OCEAN) - George W. Bush attempted to become the first sitting president to land a jet fighter on an aircraft carrier last week, even though the actual landing was supposed to be handled by one of the experienced pilots in the plane. "He kept bugging us, saying 'Lemme fly it, lemme fly it,'" said Navy pilot Cmdr. Crash Ripcordeski. "We finally gave in, and then, when we got close to the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln, the sumbitch wouldn't relinquish control."
In front of dozens of cameras, reporters, and dignitaries from many nations, Bush brought the jet in far too fast and steep, nearly becoming the first sitting president to pull off a kamikaze attack against one of his or any other nation's ships. "He pulled up just as the rest of us soiled our flight suits," remarked Ripcordeski, who managed to wrest control from the excited and hooting Texan and bring the plane in for a safe landing.
Moments later, an exhilarated Bush stood before the cameras, with their freshly rewound and erased videotapes, and declared the war in Syria officially over. As his eyes took on that familiar glazed look, his handlers inched closer and one whispered in his ear. Bush suddenly blurted out "Syria no! We're not... Syria yet, no, Iran. No, Iraq!" His handlers then quickly lifted him up and rushed him back into the jet, which took off immediately. By the smoothness of the exit it can only be assumed Ripcordeski was at the controls and not Bush.
[Jack "Jumpy" Decker, 13 O'Clock Naval Contemplator]
DONALD RUMSFELD OUT OF CONTROL
(SEATTLE, WA) - In a surprise move this morning, U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld asked for and received my resignation. The reasons are unknown at this hour, as Rumsfeld is unavailable for comment and I'll be damned if you're gonna hear it from me, but rumors are beginning to fly among members of the press corps. One rumor claims I finally told one too many Rumsfeld jokes, but a look at the official record shows I've barely written a word about the man. Another rumor, gaining favor with the conservative press, is that I'm just a left wing pussy getting what all left wing pussies deserve: a great big ass kicking from Donald "You're Fuckin' Fired" Rumsfeld. There's even a rumor going around that we're gay lovers and he caught me cheating. How do things like this get started? Honestly, I just don't know. I only know I'm out of a job and, in fact, they're coming for my word proces
[That was by Brucie Pastella, former 13 O'Clock Interior Decorator and weekend reporter]
BUSH'S APPROVAL RATING QUESTIONED
(WASHINGTON, DC) - Resident Bush's approval ratings may be somewhat flawed according to a new report recently released by the Gadfly Institute after a two year investigation into the practices of the GOP's favorite opinion measurement company, Fujnumber & Tweeker. The report alleges that there are two problems with the polls, the questions they are asking and the people they are asking the questions of.
Here is a sample of the slightly flawed poll questions Fujnumber & Tweeker asked:
- Do approve of the way Bush is running the war or would you like to be investigated by the IRS?
- Would you rather have a bunch of tough young soldiers attack a half starved country on the other side of the world or eat moose turd pie?
- More tax cuts will magically cure the economy. Do you Agree, Strongly Agree, or Want to throttle people who dare to disagree?
- Is the world safer since George Bush attacked Iraq or is the world safer since George W. Bush attacked Iraq?
F&T's pollster apparently also threw out the opinions of anyone who said they did not attend church regularly or admitted they had ever been convicted of any crime, including traffic tickets. This reduced the pool of people whose opinions who were counted from 260 million across the country to a much more manageable number, 143, all of whom conveniently serve on the White House staff already. A congressional investigation seems unlikely to be supported by the public if implemented, according to recent Administration polls. [ by Harley Worthit, 13 O'Clock Poll Sitter ]
POLITICAL CLIMATE INFORMATION CENTER BULLETINS
(ANYWHERE, USA) - We have an amber alert for Bill Of Rights believers. It is recommended that you do not practice your right to freedom of speech in any United States location if your opinion includes the fact that the Bush administration has an hidden agenda and they're playing the average American like a bagpipe. Nearly 1/15th of the people will get the "bag of wind" reference and you will be beaten.
For areas in the deep south, be advised that the usual free speech restrictions apply. Basically, don't say anything and get the hell out as fast as you can.
For all other areas, remember your "Am I safe" checklist. Look around you. How many pickup trucks do you see? How many of them have rifle racks or NRA stickers? How many people are waving flags at passing cars? How many people seem to be frightened and trapped in confrontation with people who have flags in hand? How many times have you been asked if you support the troops? If you had to stop and calculate at any point, you are not safe. Do not say anything that doesn't sound like a slogan everyone else around you is repeating. Turn on the Toby Keith CD we told you in a previous issue of Cosmik Debris to buy for this very purpose. Wait until nobody is looking before you jump into your car and burn rubber.
Finally, make sure that you recognize every member of your underground free speech venting cell at your midnight meeting in the forest. Anyone who doesn't look familiar should be tackled and searched. He or she may be carrying a tape recorder. We live in dangerous times. I support the troops. We must be careful about what we say. Our President has a magnificent smile. Someday soon we will be able to speak freely again. Bush and Cheney in 2004. And then we won't have to say things like Bush and Cheney in 2004. All the way with Bush and Cheney. I really want to kick Ralph Nader's ass. I'm still supporting the troops over here. [XXXX XXXXX, anonymous 13 O'Clock resistance fighter]
BUSH AT EASE WITH THE TOUGH QUESTIONS
(WASHINGTON, DC) - Resident George W. Bush responded to questions about his "true motives" for invading Iraq for the first time since his initial claims came under scrutiny in late April, surprising the press by taking the 5th amendment on several occasions. The Resident strolled through the White House corridors with the press in tow, pausing here and there to avoid questions about over protection of Iraqi oil wells or total lack of protection of Iraqi museums. The Resident never once lost his temper or singled out any reporters for a verbal tongue lashing. According to Mrs. Bush, this is the new, sophisticated George: a refined thinking man, at peace with the world even as the world is at war with him. The press conference ended in the newly renovated Oval Office, now beautifully done in Etruscan decor with many stunning vases, most of which are being used as spittoons. [Art Lutier, 13 O'Clock White House correspondent]
FRENCH FOREIGN LEGION FOUND
(HOUKA-AL-SOUKYA, IRAQ) - An entire division of the French Foreign Legion which had been missing in action since the first Persian Gulf War has been found wandering in the wastelands of western Iraq. Apparently their original mission was to be a decoy for the main thrust on Schwartzkopf's famous Hail Mary maneuver and when they never reported back in it was assumed they were wiped out. "These guys have been out there twelve years looking for someone to surrender to," said a spokesman for the Army's 4101st HUMV Repair Brigade, who are credited with finding the French. Mechanics were out test driving General Tommy Frank's personal Hummer in the dunes, when they saw the smoke from the Legion's camel dung fire as they cooked their evening meal of sand fleas. "We didn't really appreciate them trying to kiss us when we found them," said Corporal Biff Homeaufobe, who added, "since we are no longer friends with the French, we just gave them a call on the satellite phone and then we left them out there. We're pretty sure they'll get picked up in a week or two by their own guys." [ by Arid Underarme, 13 O'Clock AWOL Team ]
NEXT US OPEN A MIXED AFFAIR?
(AUGUSTA, GA) - The battle of the sexes is still looking like a losing cause for the women as the famed golf course at Augusta continues to refuse entry to the fairer sex. After exhausting legal options and failing to shame club officials and members in the court of public opinion, the wives of these men have booked all the hotel rooms for next year, guaranteeing that all the men will have to sleep in the hotel lobbies. "We're really not set up for such things," said Pearl Wiseaker, manager of the Frosty Arms Hotel, "so I guess they'll just have to sleep on the couches." It seems appropriate. In a related story, sales of ball warmers have risen sharply. [T. Hoff, 13 O'Clock divit stomper]
SLOW EAST GERMAN OLYMPIAN ATTEMPTS TO DEFECT
(BERLIN, GERMANY) - In a surreal scene that was captured by the cameras of countless tourists, Wolfgang Shraeder, a member of the 1972 East German Olympic track team, ran, in serpentine fashion, across what once was Checkpoint Charlie, a terrified look on his face, then dove behind some bushes on the other side. Apparently Shraeder, who finished last in all his events in 1972 and earned the nickname "The World's Slowest Human," initially made his break for freedom in 1988 but just now crossed the border, unaware that the wall had been torn down and confused as to why nobody was shooting at him. Upon learning the two Germanys had been reunited, a dumbfounded Shraeder said "Who the hell thought that one up?! You know what we're like!" Shraeder had applied for political asylum in the United States, but rescinded the request after a few days of catching up on current events, paying special attention to the war in Iraq. "I may be slow," admitted Shraeder, "but I'm not stupid. I'll take my chances here." [D. Cathy Long, 13 O'Clock Sports]
PITTSBURGH PIRATES SUES RAIDERS AND BUCCANNEERS OVER LOGOS
(PITTSBURGH, PENCILVANIA) - The law firm of Lingham & Yoni today announced an over-the-countersuit to the one brought by Al Davis of the Oakland Raiders against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers for trademark infringement. "Pittsburgh's baseball team was using a Pirate logo decades before these guys ever started playing with that funny shaped ball," said a spokesperson for L&Y. Also named in the suit were the producers of the upcoming movie, Pirates of the Caribbean. Preliminary hearings are on hold until an injunction brought by the makers of Captain Morgan's Rum can be resolved. [by Athena Futobol, 13 O'Clock Trademark Enforcement Desk ]
NFL DRAFT YEILDS SURPRISES
(NEW YORK, NY) - The NFL draft has been completed and to everyone's surprise, this year's trend is not underclassmen or undersized running backs or any other traditional rotating trend. Instead, it was all about eligibility. Fourteen of the first thirty picks still had at least one year of eligibility... to return to prison to serve out their full sentences on a bevy of charges ranging from date rape to manslaughter.
"Parole eligibility is a two pronged question on draft day," said ESPN draft specialist Dorf Guessman. "You've got teams taking guys in hopes they'll be good for one more year, and then you've got teams gambling on other guys who won't even be eligible for parole until next year. Essentially, those guys go to teams who are rebuilding and can afford to wait a year to even shake the un-cuffed hand of their guy to seal the contract negotiations."
But getting these former "college students" interested in playing in the NFL is hard work for scouts, who often get themselves arrested and waive their rights to attorneys to ensure they'll be sent into the prison system, where they can try to get to the more hardened, violent players before the NBA scouts can. "It's a rough job, sure," admitted Bob "Suzie" Neezleman, a scout for the Oakland Raiders. "Just to make sure we have a shot at some psychotic four-hundred pound lineman, I gotta get tossed in here with guys worse than him. And the showers... Don't get me started. Talk about taking one for the team."
The NBA still leads the NFL in thuggery by a wide margin, but aggressive programs like Scouts Behind Bars and the equally successful "We're Burning The Private Investigator's Photos In Exchange For Your Signing With Us" may help close that gap in the very near future. As the sun sets on the 2003 NFL draft, no one is rushing to speculate on next year's trend. Perhaps nobody wants to think about it. [Spiff Biffman, 13 O'Clock Sports Pigskin Pre-season Preporter]
A popular rap artist
rhymes "anthrax" and
"Tampax;" his fans
impressed by such poetry.
UNIVERSITY OFFERS NEW COURSE IN ECONOMIC FUNDAMENTALISM
(CEYITAINTSO, CA) - Pepperdynamo University is offering a new MBA program that features a Christian slant on the standard business administration courses. Required courses will include How To Deal With Non-Believer Customers, Intimidation by Prayer Breakfasts, Asking Jesus For Spreadsheet Help, Holy Rollovers, Profiting With The Prophets, Marketing The Apocalypse, Public Speaking In Tongues, Job Creation Science and How To Not Pay Taxes By Making Your Business A Church. "Most of our graduates go straight into big business, televangelism of course," said Howie Lulia, Dean of the School of Love Offerings, "but quite a lot of us go into government work, using grants from George Bush's faith-based initiative." Mr. Lulia then lead the school chorus in a rousing rendition of "Onward Christian Entrepreneurs" for the assembled media. Enrollment is up dramatically in spite of tuition prices in the high 5 figures. [ by Onan Thunderstruck, 13 O'Clock Seminary Sentinel ]
MICROBREWERY SEEKS TO BE FIRST ALCOHOL IN IRAQ
(ALEWIFE, MINNESOTA) - A small American brewery is seeing a window of opportunity open up in the Middle East. "After the statue of Saddam Hussein toppled, I suddenly realized why we fought the war in Iraq," says Geerluse Steinlifter, who is to open up new markets for the brewing industry among muslims who have never had alcohol. Steinlifter intends to market his microbrew, Spitzensparken, to anyone in Iraq in return for Iraq's only viable commodity, barrels of oil. "I'll just trade them barrel to barrel and then sell the oil on the open market," he told reporters, "I call it the oil-for-beer program." Critics say that Steinlifter's beer is actually made from the same recipe as Billy Beer, which caused the downfall of several leaders in the late 70s, including The Shah of Iran and President Jimmy Carter of The United States. [By Sunni D. Liet, 13 O'Clock Fermentation Desk ]
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
DAMON AND WAHLBERG ARE REALLY ONE GUY
(WHOLLYWEIRD, CA) - Hollywood sources revealed today that Matt Damon and Mark Wahlberg are the same person. The secret was discovered when at an industry awards banquet Mark Wahlberg was introduced by the master of ceremonies as "the star of Saving Private Ryan and The Bourne Identity" and no one noticed until a drunk Ben Affleck blurted out the truth to the crowd, saying "He lives two lives but he doesn't have a babe like Jennifer Lopez in either one of them!" Matt-Mark later held a press conference and said his real name was Norman Mailer-Daemon. Wahlberg was actually the ancient family home of the Mailer-Daemons, where the main industry was the German post office. "Our family started the guild that ran the Dead Letter Office," said Matt-Mark. He adopted the double identity to have a way of making quick cash on lower grade movie roles like "Rock Star" without hurting the bankability of his main identity. In late breaking news it was reported today that Jennifer Lopez accidently went on a Tahiti vacation with Edward Burns after confusing the actor with Ben Affleck. Once she discovered her mistake, she immediately returned the item and had it replaced with the proper one. [By Hedda Hophead, 13 O'Clock Clone Patrol]
THE REAL STORY OF ANGER MANAGEMENT REVEALED
(BROOKLYN, BROOKLYN) - The hit movie, Anger Management, is a true story, only the names have been changed to protect the innocent, but now one of them has come forward. The real life person is David Snuffdipper, whose real girlfriend contracted with a kooky psychiatrist to do a complete makeover on David's personality.
"The story of the fake court case and sentencing me to his care all happened," says David, "My girlfriend cost me a bundle." Renting the courtroom from the city cost $15,000 a day, plus all the extras who had to play the parts, so David ended up paying over $80,000 on the two days in court alone. The total bill for his personality makeover, including the "Marry Me" message on the electronic billboard in Yankee stadium, was over $478,000. "How she got all that billed to me I'll never know," moans Snuffdipper. Worse, there really is a poor waitress who got her nose broken by David in one of the psychiatrist's little plays that went terribly wrong; she is suing him for $15 million.
Snuffdipper hopes that the movie will do well enough to pay all the bills, but faults the producers for changing the story in a few ways. "At least I did nail the blond in real life," he said, referring to the character played in the movie by Heather Graham. Wedding plans for the happy couple have not been announced. Snuffdipper's original girlfriend could not be reached for comment. [ by Christopher Walkonpart, 13 O'Clock Reality Chequer ]
WEATHER I'M RIGHT OR WEATHER I'M WRONG
Hey, all you beautiful people, I just want to set the record straight here. I've been getting a lot of mail from readers of the 13 O'Clock news. Some of the comments are fine. To David R. in Boston, yes, I hate bongs too. I cough up all that expensive smoke just like you do so what's the damned point? To Stephany B. in Memphis, yeah, sometimes I want to do that, too, or have something that shoots nails under their tires so the motherfuckers skid off the road and leave people like you and me alone. And to Charlotte W. in Pleasanton, yeah? Mmmm. I like that. What are you wearing?
But as for this other mail... GERALD A. OF KANSAS CITY... It's not my damned fault that it rained when I said it was going to be sunny. We're not mystics. We're not perfect. We're scientists. Got that, STEVE P. OF GLOUCHESTER?! What the hell kind of name is THAT for a city, anyway? It's not MY fault if it rains in Glouchester when it's sunny everywhere else. Don't like it?? MOVE!! OH! AND HEY, NANCINE E., I did NOT ruin your damned vacation, so stop sending me bills, got it? I'm just setting the fuckers on fire and lighting my spliffs with them, so just knock it off. I'm NOT GOD! I'm a scientist. I'm just like every other meteorologist, with the same tool at my disposal, and when the magic 8 ball says rain, I just report what the magic 8 ball says. Not - MY - F A U L T ! ! !
And to Nolan P., thank you, that's very flattering, but my bread isn't buttered that way. Now that's the seventh time I've told you, and this time I'm telling you in public, so please stop sending flowers.
Oh... The weather. Well, I can't. The funny shaped thing in the 8 ball is stuck and all I can see is black inky water and the edge of the white thingy and I think it might say "It is certain," but I forget what I asked it, so I'll see you next month. [A. Syd Brown, 13 O'Clock Weather Freak]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.