God and Gunpowder

I've been seeing "God Bless America" everywhere lately, as if suddenly we might not be on the To Be Blessed List any longer. I wonder, what makes people think we aren't anymore? Last I looked the planet was in fine shape and the sun was rising each morning; seems to me like everyone's still on the List.

"But how can that be? These are terribly anxious times," I hear you say. So is America doomed to a perpetual state of fear in the No World Order? Now that we're all wide-awake and paranoid, it sure seems like security problems are cropping up everywhere. For example, what's all this about an Anthrax Scare lately? Sure they had nice leather and big hair but I never found their music all that infectious.

Ha, missed me! Okay, that was lame, but it's tough making jokes these days. Anyway, I've got more things to expose you to. First, before I get into my usual philosophical tirade I want to announce that November 5th we'll be gathering over at my place for the usual Guy Fawkes Day bonfire; it should be a lot of fun. Whoo-hoo!

Oh come on, don't look at me that way! I know it's not celebrated in this country much but it's well known in England. Traditionally they have fireworks and bonfires but the crowning event every year is the burning of old Guy in effigy. American kids beg for candy on Halloween, but English kids have always begged for money on Fawkes Day for fireworks to shoot off as they burn their straw figures, their "guys." That's right, that's where we got the modern usage of the word, and now that you know the origin, it sounds kind of derogatory, doesn't it?

And how did Mr. Fawkes become so infamous to deserve annual burning? Well it was this little thing called the Gunpowder Plot, where he and his friends tried to blow up the King of England back in 1605. That's right, he was one of the first terrorists. But enough about minor English holidays; let's move on to my very cogent analysis of Jerry Falwell's comments last month.

What, now you're interested in Guy Fawkes? But this column is supposed to be about philosophy, not the history of terrorism. You act like terrorism is back in the news or something! Now don't give me those puppy eyes! I don't... Oh hell, I can see this is getting nowhere. Gather round kids.

Let me set the stage. Back in 16th century Europe after enjoying 1000 years of dominance, the Catholic Church was painfully calving several new faiths in the Protestant Reformation. Of course Catholic leaders didn't take this exodus from the faith lightly. There was repression in many places and outright religious war in others. In England the Reformation was embraced by King Henry VIII who began the Episcopal Church. By the way do you know what an Episcopal is? A Catholic who flunked Latin. It's an old joke but it illustrates that the faiths really aren't that different. Many say Henry did it to make divorce legal (he was the one with six wives, remember?), but I'm sure he thought saving on tribute to Rome was a nifty idea too. But of course many of his subjects saw themselves as Catholics first, not English, and had no wish to join the new Church of England.

After many decades of religious conflict, including an attempted invasion by the Spanish Armada, a new king ascended to the throne in 1603, King James. (Yes, the one who sponsored the most famous English translation of the Bible.) He promised equal treatment for Catholics, but because of continuing persecution, a small group of Catholics decided to assassinate him, thinking also that this would help bring England back to the Pope. Never mind that a treaty was signed with the Spanish in 1604. Never mind that even the Pope disassociated himself from the conflict. Never mind thou shalt not kill.

They planned to tunnel under Parliament and blow up the entire building when King James visited. Killing everyone in the House of Lords was just a bonus. The conspirators, numbering a dozen or so, rented a nearby house and brought in Guy Fawkes because he was a miner. The tunneling took months. They even went through nine feet of solid stone in Parliament's foundations, but they were ready to do the deed when James was scheduled to visit on November 5, 1605.

However, there were many Catholic nobles still in Parliament. The plotters' downfall was that they warned a sympathetic member, Lord Mounteagle, not to attend that day. He sounded the alarm and the forces of the King discovered the cache of gunpowder just in time. They also found Guy Fawkes there, ready to light the fuses.

Fawkes was placed in the Tower Of London and tortured for information on the plot. A short time later he was executed. But we're not talking a comfy lethal injection here. No, in those days the recipe for a traitor's death called for being drawn through the streets, then hung, cut down alive, disemboweled, his "privy parts" cut off and burned before him and finally being beheaded. Once dead, his body was dragged around some more, chopped into quarters and put on display. And with special circumstances he's also been re-killed in effigy for nearly 400 years. They sure knew how take vengeance back then.

So how many of you think Osama Bin Laden deserves something like this? Woof! That's a lot of hands! How many think Jerry Falwell deserves something like that because he claimed the destruction of the World Trade Center was God's retribution for all the homosexuals and pornographers in our society? I still see some hands! And how about this guy Al Kaida who's cornered the market on insect bait? What are these blank faces? You haven't heard of the Ant Trap Scare?

Owww! You got me that time! Okay I'll stop with the stupid puns. Anyway, just like an Episcopal is a Catholic with poor language skills, there's a lot of similarity in the attitudes of Bin Laden and Falwell. Granted, Bin Laden's much more dangerous, but certainly both are subverting spirituality to play out their own little power games and both will use the authority of Holy Scripture to justify themselves. It's an easy trick. By taking short lines out of context, they can make it seem like the Bible or the Koran justifies holy war with just about anyone. Consider this verse from the Old Testament:

Beat your plowshares into swords and your sickles into spears. Let the weak say, I am a mighty man.

That's Joel 3:10 for those of you keeping score, but it doesn't sound quite right, does it? Think I got it backwards? No, that's what it says, and it's a great quote to urge people to praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. Later we have this more famous verse:

And he shall judge between many people; and rebuke strong nations afar off; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into sickles; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.

That's Micah 4:3. Sounds a bit more pacifist doesn't it? Micah was obviously turning Joel's verse around for his own purpose; what's extra funny is that the first verse is only twelve pages away from the other! I'll take the second quote, thank you.

Maybe all the Real God cares about is "throwing gas balls around the firmament" as George Carlin put it. But "maybe" won't do for our human curiosity, we crave definite answers. So we pay attention to all these self styled prophets, preachers and imams like the Jesuits who goaded on Guy Fawkes or the Ayatollah Kohmeni when they tell us EXACTLY what God wants. But are they really tuned into the Godhead or telling us what they wish God said, or what they heard in a fever dream, or maybe just flat lying to suit their own agenda? Some of them might even believe their own pitch, but most are no better than snake oil salesmen, far from holiness. Even if you believe that all the scriptures' authors were divinely inspired, differing interpretations of their words will still get us into trouble.

Falwell doesn't even admit he's interpreting; he just insists that the Bible is literally true in every word. And then he gives us his own spin on it anyway. So which do we do, Jerry? Plowshares into swords or swords into plowshares? And as long as you are so damn LITERAL, do you expect soldiers to be parachuting into Afghanistan armed with swords and spears? Trust me, "30 caliber automatic rifle with nightscope" and "Kevlar body armor" are not in the Bible. Or in the Koran, Osama. Get real, it doesn't make literal sense anymore and everyone interprets whether you like it or not.

So which side is the Holy Scripture really on? Are we free to put barrels of gunpowder under anyone who doesn't go to our church? Are we free to torture, hang, mutilate, behead, draw and quarter anyone who gets caught doing that? Does the difference between Catholic and Protestant or even between Christian and Muslim warrant such strife? Does God/Allah really want us all to fight a holy war on His/Her/Its behalf?

All I can say is that there will be a lot more people trying to get you to sign on to a crusade or jihad in the coming months. But whether they are a Taliban like Bin Laden or a Televan like Falwell, religious leaders are human just like anyone else. The louder they are, the more they have their own agenda, not God's, and the more they drown out the real voices of spirituality and peace. There is such a thing as self-defense in a time of imminent danger and I think this qualifies, but anyone who tells you that God is personally punishing us or that God personally commands you to kill others is not tuned into God at all.

This is a human conflict and the sooner we grow up enough to stop hitting each other and talk out our problems the better. Let's face it; our differences are ultimately an illusion. God is blessing America, Afghanistan and all the rest of the world everyday, stop shooting and get with it.

Damn, look at the time! I have to go back into the Closet to finish my Fawkes effigy right now. Then I have to prepare for a long bus trip. Why bus? Well I'm too scared to fly and then I heard something about this Amtrak Scare. Must be a plot by the oilmen to keep us all in gas-guzzlers. Anyway, I refuse to let them win, so bus it is! Oh, and see you at the bonfire. Thanks for reading and until next month the Closet is closed.



(C) 2001 - Rusty Pipes


Official Disclaimer: The publishers and editors of Cosmik Debris Magazine do not know for certain that Mr. Pipes' claim that Osama Bin Laden is more dangerous than Jerry Falwell is necessarily true. After all, there are no records to show that UN Inspectors have been allowed into Falwell's home, church or offices to seek out weapons of mass destruction, and let's face it... the guy's not playing with a full deck. Thank you.