SECRET SERVICE ON BUSH: WON'T GET FOOLED AGAIN
(PAWTUCKET, RI) - Speaking to a confused gathering of pre-schoolers this week, Resident Bush lashed out angrily at North Korea for what he called "dirty pool" and "being jerks about stuff." The remarks came shortly after North Korean authorities announced that they didn't feel bound by previous nuclear ban treaties at this point in time. The Resident is reportedly losing patience with the many smaller countries now flaunting capabilities of a sort that he can't even pronounce.
All seemed to be going well at the pre-school until the Resident again became flustered mid-speech. "We have a saying in Texas, I don't know if you have it here on the tiny island of Rhode," said the Resident, as Secret Servicemen and handlers began nervously inching toward him. "It goes... Fool me once..." Thirty-some seconds later, the dazed Resident was hustled into the school cafeteria by the Secret Service.
"We've been burned on that one already," sighed a relieved Agent Dave Navil, "but what really set us in motion was when the little tykes began throwing Goldfish crackers at him. That's when you know it's time to get him out of there. I mean, we've seen what a pretzel can do."
The previous day was no easier for the Resident. He began by telling a confused gathering of Shriners that the South Koreans were a danger to the world. Later, he explained the mistake by saying "I just remembered that the South Vietnamese were our enemies in the war. Honest mistake." At this hour, nobody has informed the Resident that it was the North Vietnamese with whom we were at war in the 60s and 70s. "To be frank," says Navil, "the less information he has to learn in any given month, the better. Trust me." [By Thomas Helens, 13 O'Clock Resident hassler]
BUSH MAKES PROGRESS ON BACKUP(JERRYSALOON, ISREALTY) Resident Bush is taking credit for progress in Middle East negotiations after a miscommunication sent Secretary of State Colin Powell to the MidEast to personally bring the two sides together. Apparently during an important strategy session last week the Resident was feeling constipated and reportedly said "I just took some laxative in the East Wing and I feel it finally breaking this impasse in my colon so I've got to make a bowel movement right now." Unfortunately he was heading for the door in a huge hurry when he said it. Bush's advisers thought he said " I just looked some at how to relax the MidEast thing, and I feel the impasse can finally be broken by Colin. I've got to make a Powell movement right now," which amazed them because the idea of actually getting both sides talking with Powell had never occurred to them. While Dubya was in the bathroom, his experts got to work and soon hammered out a new plan for Powell to take with him. The next day Ariel Sharon and Yassir Arafat, cheered by the statesman's arrival immediately sat down and started making progress toward peace. Resident Bush said, "I'm sure glad things finally came out OK. Now what happened in MidEast that's got all you boys hot and bothered?" [By Hank O'Hare and A. Peachy Boone]
K9 CORPS PROPOSES NEW ANTI-TERRORIST FORCE
(YELPINGTON, VERMUTT) "Who Let The Dogs Out" might have a new meaning under a proposal by General Buster "Bulldog" Johnnybritches of the Army's K9 Corps. "Bush and Cheney are putting a lot of new money into the military and we're upset because so far our dog and soldier teams aren't getting any of it," he said. "They think we're low tech, so they're treating us like animals, but if they think we're going to just lay down and roll over they've got another thing coming." To remedy the situation General Johnnybritches has proposed a new 21st Century upgrade for the K9 Corps, the so-called Rabid Deployment Force. "I think it'd be a doggone good idea parachuting trained dogs into the streets of an enemy city to disrupt them," he growled. The dogs would not actually be rabid, but trained to smell out terrorist cells and inject them with canine saliva saturated with rabies germs using special hypodermic teeth hidden in their real teeth. "They're threatening us with anthrax and smallpox, isn't it time we answered in kind? They're a bunch of mad dogs anyway." So far the Pentagon has refused comment on the proposal. [by Lassie Rintintin]
RUSSIA WINS KORESH TROPHY INTERNATIONAL NEWS
(JUNEGRAD, RUSSIA) Officials from the Guiness Stout Book of Monumental Screwups arrived in Moosecow today bearing the David Koresh Trophy for Most Botched Hostage Situation. In a short ceremony they presented it to Rasputin Goshootsky, the head negotiator for the government in the recent Russian hostage crisis. Goshootsky seemed to appreciate the recognition, saying that the whole incident with the deadly "knockout gas" was a lucky misunderstanding. Rasputin claimed the word Russian for "negotiator" is very close to the word for "exterminator" and the local Russian Office of Pest Control was accidentally called to pump in poison gas into the building under siege, thinking that it was infested with wild chinchillas, not Chechins. "Ees easy mistake, but we deedn't want to talk to those bad Chechin types ennywey. Thank you for dees trophy," Rasputin said with typical Slavic stoicism. He expects to trade the Koresh Trophy for vodka on the black market next week. [By Boris and Natasha Wipedasmirkov]
A company is marketing a parachute to executives who work in high rises so that they can jump out of a window safely if the building is hit by an airliner.
Down the road a second signpost: Another company is hawking an "escape hammer" to bust out car windows if you are ever trapped in a wreck. It also has an attachment to saw through seat belts. Now if only you could get it out of the glove compartment on the other side of your smashed car...
ANGELS LOCKED OUT OF DISNEYLAND SPORTS SECTION
(ORANGUTAN COUNTY, CA) Hours after winning their first World Series, Scrooge McEisner announced the sale of the Anaheim Angels to a consortium of sweatshop owners from the Far East. All the players were immediately told to clean out their lockers in preparation for moving to their new home, Type Ay, Taiwonon. The traditional "I'm going to Disneyland" commercials were immediately yanked from the air, and the celebration down the fake Main Street with thousands of recently converted Dodger and Padre fans was cut short by the Disneyland Marketing Department. "We're thunderstick, I mean thunderstruck," said series MVP Troy Glaus, as he was escorted from the Magic Kingdom by a phalanx of heavily armed security men in Mickey Mouse suits. Mr. McEisner was too busy diving into his piles of cash to be available for comment. [By Raleigh Monkey]
TENNIS' OLDEST "BAD BOY" DIES AT 91(TUNISIA) - Rafael "Backslide" Bohandequordt, once an imposing figure on tennis tours in the gilded age, has died from complications of grumpiness at the age of 91. In an era when the world smiled on athletes with a "golden boy" image, Backslide was an anti-hero, spitting at his opponents, throwing his racket into crowds at dangerous velocity, and arguing every decision the line judges made, even when they had gone in his favor. In a 1992 interview with Tennasshole Magazine, Bohandequordt mocked the then current crop of thugs in the sport. "John Mac-a-hoozits, whatever his name is... What a wussy," spat the crusty old pro. "In my day, if a bastard made a bad call we'd just shoot 'im right off his perch and be done with it!" Indeed, in the late 20s and early 30s, Bohandequordt led the pro circuit in shootings and convictions, but being white and rich, he did little jail time. "Whitewashing, you know what I mean," chuckled Bohandequordt with a wink. "They'd parole me, I'd be good for a week, then I'd slap a line judge, then slug a few, then POW! That's why they called me 'Backslide,' see?" Reactions to his passing have been surprisingly upbeat, with only John Mac-a-hoozits shedding tears. "I never had the guts to actually off anyone. Not like Backslide. I never had the nerve," confessed the tyrannical sorehead, "because, you know, they execute white dudes now. Otherwise, hey... Whoa. Bloodbath." [By Ace Love, 13 O'Clock Sports]
SEATTLE GETS A CARD FROM TAMPA BAY
(SEATTLE, WA) - A deal has finally been reached that will send Seattle Mariners skipper Lou Piniella to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays for outfielder Randy Wynn and a 1972 Topps Johnny Bench card. The long-suffering Seattle fans aren't impressed with the outcome of the deal. "First Griffey dumps on us," whined local beer receptacle Nathan Warren, "and then A-Rod spreads the crap evenly before HE leaves. Now Sweet Lou? Say it ain't so!" But it is so. An unnamed team official pointed out, however, that the trade is contingent on Wynn passing his physical and there being no bent corners on the Bench baseball card. The question of who will manage the Mariners next season seems to be secondary on the minds of Seattle executives, some of whom have been looking for that baseball card since they were teenagers. Piniella, who was standing on a crate to avoid the outstretched hands bearing microphones, could not be reached for comment. [By Dizzy Gene, 13 O'Clock Sports]
SUPREME COURT FORCES MISS UNIVERSE PAGEANT TO ADMIT ALIENS ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(BANGCOCK, KY) Lawyers for the Miss Universe Pageant expressed regret today over the recent Supreme Court ruling that opened the beauty contest to beings from other worlds. "Look we are perfectly aware that the Universe is a big place but just because we named the contest the Miss Universe Pageant we didn't mean that we would literally be choosing the most beautiful female from anywhere within it!" said Mia Culpa, head of the pageant's legal team. "Now we'll have to admit all kinds of aliens that don't even look like us!"
Appearing with the human contestants of Earth, Miss Universe officials argued that their contest, while open to off-planet contestants, must be at least restricted to beings that were roughly humanoid so that some similar standard of beauty could be employed. "We would be open to the triple breasted women of Eroticon 6 for example," said an enthusiastic Miss Universe Judge, Harry Creamwich, whereupon he was attacked by Tiffany Vanderbilt, the current Miss Congeniality.
The suit had been brought by the current Miss Milky Way Galaxy, Bombra Thipplesnag, who comes from the planet Viviviv and looks like a pink sea urchin with combat boots. The other plaintiff was Miss Andromeda Galaxy, Aceeerno Aceeerna, an ammonia-breathing mollusk from the plant Harknark. Miss Aceeerna said she feels vindicated especially since she had to cross thousands of light years to get here and had to start out before our civilization even started. "Fortunately our race is prescient and we knew the pageant would exist by the time I got here, but nobody could predict how close-minded you hairless bipeds would be to extraterrestrials," she said as she released a pungent Drano-like liquid, the Harknark equivalent of a sniff. "My pheromone glands were all charged to enter the contest but now after all these delays I can't make the smells to make you think I'm beautiful anymore," she blubbered, literally spilling a glycerine-based fat on the floor of the press conference room, "I am glad we won our case but it's too late now for me to win. I am SO devastated!" [by K.Y. Jellico (with homage to Douglas Adams)]
THIS TIME HE'S... REALLY NOT....DONE IT!
(HOLLYWOOD, CA) - Last Thursday, just after a catered lunch, Brad Anniston (who goes by his maiden name of Pitt) shocked the cast and crew of the film Speckles The Monkey Boy by walking off the set with no warning, muttering that he wanted to do another film and had no time for Speckles. The actor has been garnering quite a reputation for such behavior and it's costing him dearly in SR - Studio Relations - value. "It's getting so film companies don't want a thing to do with him," says an industry insider who wishes to remain nameless, but in actuality is Jacob Mathers, a stunt man who will most likely never work in this town again after this article hits the Internet. "He's bad news and everyone knows it. Hire Brad Anniston and you're risking losing everything you've invested in your film." Luckily for the money people behind Speckles, this latest event will probably have no effect whatsoever, as the actor is not and never has been part of the cast. "That's what really freaked us out," says Mathers. "He walked off a movie he wasn't even in. What a freak, huh?" The film actually stars Adam Sandler in the title role. What Brad Anniston was doing on the film lot is anybody's guess, but the fallout was immediate. Sandler has hired sharpshooters to guard the perimeter during the rest of the filming process. [By Codney Corx, 13 O'Clock Celebrity Stalking Dept]
RAP STAR PHOTOGRAPHED IN STARBUCKS(NEW YORK, NY) - Rapper Pig E. Tales, twice charged with assault but acquitted each time, faces the first serious threat to his status as a "bad street dude" as damaging photographs begin to circulate. The pictures show Tales in stylish clothing sipping a latte in a Starbucks store while a man, later identified as a stock broker in Tales' employ, assists him with his portfolio. "That's BULL*&#%," said an emotional Tales when confronted by the press and a horde of confused and angry 12 year old boys. "I haven't got... I don't got no stocks, he's like, um, my gay lover or something!" Moments later, Tales began to chase the reporters as they ran to the telephones, screaming "No, he's my video producer! I was kidding about that gay &$%#." The formerly credible street rapper continued to chase the throng for two blocks, finally stopping next to a silver Lexus and screaming at nearby teens, "Get the $#&! away from my car! NO! That's not MY car! Aw &$#*! Get off it anyway!" In a related story, Britney Spears' boobs are fake. [By M.C. Pliers]
DEVIL CLAIMS HE IS NOT IN THE DETAILS HUMAN INDIFFERENCE
(HELLABAMA) In an exclusive interview with the 13 O'Clock News the Devil claimed that he was tired of getting blamed every time things go wrong. "I am not in the details!" He howled. "I have been in the tailbacks sometimes, especially people like OJ, but I am too high up the corporate ladder at Hellco to get into the details." The Devil went on to blame several other kinds of lower creatures for messing up everything, but he reserved a special fury for the Gremlins. The fury in question, named Sizzle, claimed that trying to scare the Gremlins out of the details has made her furious instead and she couldn't do her job. "They're always getting into my Gremlin Detector and I can never exorcise them," she shrieked. "Excuses, excuses," roared the Devil, who threatened Sizzle with an eternity of listening to the collected recordings of Mariah Carey, her sister. "That's what I get for finding help on Monster!" he wailed. [by Lucy Furrball at Hellco Headquarters]
THE COW JUMPS ONTO THE MOON FINANCIAL SECTION
(NEW YORK, N.Y.) - Houston, we have a solution. After more than a quarter century of government indifference resulting in financial neglect, NASA is returning to the moon. Scientists have come up with hundreds of brilliant reasons for resuming the missions to our only natural satellite, showing the government how to do everything from building colonies there to reflecting solar rays from there to collector dishes on Earth, solving an enormous percentage of our energy problems.
Unfortunately, it seems that would take away the extra money needed to paint the scary sharks-tooth patterns on the nuclear warheads, and therefore Congress isn't interested.
But Cow Chemicals is. Cow Chemicals - the only chemicals made from real cows - has funded sports franchises, geographic exploration and a handful of wars, but taking on space exploration is a whole new ball game, says CEO Curt Short. "Yep, gonna be tough." When asked why CC would take on such a gigantic project, he replied "It's there." Surely there had to be a more in-depth story behind such a huge undertaking. "We get to put our name on it," Short replied.
"That's taking this whole sponsorship thing way too far," protested J.R. Reynolds, a consumer advocate who was smoking mad. "They say it's for science, but then why is their first billion going into landscaping a giant Cow Chemicals logo that'll be visible from Earth?"
Indeed, the paperwork has already been signed and sealed, making the moon's new name "CowChem Satellite." Despite our efforts, we were unable to obtain a statement from anyone ranked higher than apprentice janitor at NASA. Naturally, we talked to him.
"I don't know, they're not so bad," said Ian Fudburry between bites of sandwich. "We use some of their chemicals to strip the floors."
And so we prepare to visit the moon once again, only this time under a corporate flag. Actually, under several. The 8 astronauts will board the Shuttle Express Space Shuttle, which will be launched into space by the enormous new Powerade Prime Power Rocket and its three Mountain Dew Hyper-Thrust Boosters. The newly designed shuttle will leave Earth's orbit - NASA is still seeking a sponsor for Earth - and head for CowCom Satellite just after astronauts make a few adjustments to the HubbaBubba Hubbel Telescope. The missions are expected to begin in early spring, and NASA also has its sights set on reaching Planet Mars Bar by 2005. [Buzz Olden, camped out on Madison Avenue watching the bidding wars.]
HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF WONDER BREAD THREATENS CROUTON MARKET(STRUDEL, ALSACE-LORRAINE) In recent years with the rise of the salad bar sector of the restaurant industry has come a corresponding 75% increase in crouton consumption. Since white bread is the prime ingredient in croutons and some time and care is required to make it take on the proper degree of staleness, the stock market has recognized a special new kind of security, crouton futures.
This past week a scandal rocked the major crouton suppliers and threatens to make restaurant salads quite a lot duller until the next crop of durham wheat is harvested. The crouton industry's troubles began when the Croissant Brothers of Baguette, France tried a hostile takeover of Wonder Bread. The company had developed a new recipe especially for the premium crouton market, challenging the old notion that just any old stale bread or crackers would do. Approval of the new recipe by the National Crouton Board had not come through but clinical trials on rats and later chimpanzees had looked promising enough to drive Wonder Bread stock up 45 points. The Croissant Brothers, who own 84% of the French crouton market, are accused of spreading rumors that a prime ingredient in the new recipe was a synthetic calorie free wheat substitute, that caused small side effects like ergot hallucinations. Wonder Bread protested that nothing was true about the rumors, but even so their stock plummeted 80 points on the news. The Croissant Brothers were able to buy up Wonder Bread like day old donuts at the bakery outlet, thus acquiring their real target, the secret crouton recipe, while choking off American sources of stale bread.
However tapes of the plot were made by CRUST (Crouton Registry of the United States Treasury), a secret team of crouton futures specialists working for the SEC, and the takeover is believed to be headed for reversal. The Croissant Brothers were last seen in the town of Biscuit, Belgium and are believed to be headed to the town of Yeast in Flanders. [By P.T. Crullers]
[Pictured: Hay, Ewe, out there in the cold.] WEATHER SECTION
Okay, here's the situation. Somebody fucked up the planet. Hole in the Ozone layer, summer where it should be winter, winter where it should be summer, nothing's right, and I don't LIKE IT! I was just in the bible belt following the Pink Floyd tour from city to city, well, because there's no more Grateful Dead, which is another thing that pisses me off, but anyway, it's still supposed to be mild weather and guess what! It's like a block of ice! Crops are dying and livestock are staying fresh longer, but losing the "live" in the "livestock" designation, all because somebody fucked up the planet! Was it you? One of you out there? SOMEBODY did it. It wasn't me. I recycle! Are you now or have you ever been the CEO of a chemical company? I hear they want to screw up the MOON now. Great. That means in a few years I'll be giving terrifying tide forecasts. Great! This is just GREAT!!! You want a weather forecast? CONFUSING! That's what it's gonna be. Confusing, with patches of clarity in the late afternoon, turning to chaos in the fucking evening. Dead animal storms are expected in the farmlands as temperatures continue to drop, and there ain't windshield wipers heavy duty enough to help you with that, Mr. or Mrs. Murderous CEO!!! Deal with THAT!! There's your Goddamned forecast. And stop calling me paranoid! I mean if you were going to. And don't think I don't know you were going to. God, I wish I could sleep. [By A. Sid Brown, 13 O'Clock News Weather Freak.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.