PRESIDENTIAL RACE ALREADY DECIDED(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Lt. Gen. William Boykin, who offended everyone even remotely Muslim with several remarks he made in a speech to a Christian prayer group in June, has issued an apology filled with blacked-out passages. It seems the Pentagon didn't want some of the atonements made after Boykin made several interesting statements, including the revelation that when he was dealing with a Somali warlord, "I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol."
Perhaps the most startling revelation made by the military insider is news that the 2004 Presidential race has already been decided.
"Yes I believe that George Bush was placed in the White House by God as well as Bill Clinton and other presidents," exclaimed the all-knowing Lt. General, verifying fears that there's no point going to the polls to vote. Apparently, regardless of votes, a preordained candidate will simply take office, just like it happened in 2000.
Some Muslims have been calling for Boykin's removal from his post as the Deputy Undersecretary of Defense for Intelligence, but thus far the Pentagon hasn't budged. Spokeswarlord, Right Rear, Sheldon "Shell" M. Auel, in a brief statement in the Pentagon's cactus garden, said "the Pentagon stands behind... that guy who screwed up. Honest. You can believe us this one time. We're really standing behind our guy here, because... Kobins was simply misquoted. Boykin. Sorry."
Boykin was dropped over Iraq along with several cluster bombs the following day when the White House got wind of his most controversial comment, one in which he expressed his belief that radical Muslims hate Americans "because we're a Christian nation, because our foundation and roots are Judeo-Christian and the enemy is a guy named Satan." At press time, Karl Rove could not be reached to offer a rebuttal, though his spokesperson did issue a statement saying that it's silly to call Mr. Rove the enemy. [Wolf Punter, 13 O'Clock Militaristic Stratigicationialist]
LONG HARD SLUG DISCOVERED IN IRAQ
(FA'OOLDYA, TURKEY) Donald Rumsfeld today announced the discovery of slugs in Irag, near the city of, well pretty much near everywhere you look. "Apparently slugs like this are native to the Mid-East," said the Defense Secretary, "but we didn't count on them being the long hard variety." Experts in British, American and Israeli intelligence, assure 13 O'Clock News invetigators that this is the only kind of slug that grows there. "Is that going to stop the march to victory? No, It's not!" Rummie continued, answering his own question inspite of dozens of reporters trying to ask their questions. He then left the press conference, reportedly heading to Home Depot to stock up on Slug Death. [by Foley N. Gulft, 13 O'Clock Garden Variety Em-Flower-Bedded Reporter]
ASHCROFT DEFENDS JUSTICE DEPARTMENT(WASHINGTON, D.C.) - Attorney General John Ashcroft faced the press for yet another round of harsh questions about the lack of diversity at the Justice Department, which is 93% Caucasian. Ashcroft, appearing in blackface and speaking in a sterotypical dialect once used to depict blacks, attempted to dispel the notion that the department has racist employment policies. "Why don' dem lef' wing demmycrats jus' leeb us alone," wondered the A.G. as cameras flashed. "We kin hire awl duh neegrows we wan' widout der hep!" This brought an avalanche of new, even more pointed questions, but before the A.G., affectionately known as Smiling John, could answer, he was yanked from the stage by a bamboo cane that had quickly looped around his neck, leaving the press shouting at a bare podium.
The opening act for the press conference was singer/guitarist R.L. Burnside, who mesmerized the press with his raw, emotional brand of blues. This was seen as a P.R. move by Ashcroft to show that he did indeed know and even respect some African Americans, but after Burnside performed a new song entitled "Burning Bush," he was immediately named an Enemy Combatant under the provisions of the Patriot Act and whisked away to Guantanamo Bay without a trial. Burnside's shouted complaints that the song is about hot sex fell on deaf ears. [Al Falpha, 13 O'Clock Dialect Coach]
KAHLIFORNEEYA NEWS
SCHWARZENEGGER AND DAVIS BEGIN TRANSITION(SACRAMENTO, CA) - Incoming Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger spent a few hours in the state capital with the man he soundly defeated in the state's recent recall election, Gray Davis. The two shook hands and exchanged greetings as cameras rolled, but while Davis appeared calm and friendly, Schwarzenegger seemed stiff, stilted and uncomfortable. As the two sat together for more pictures and news cameras, Davis attempted to engage the Governor Elect in conversation, but Schwarzenegger seemed to withdraw all the more until it became an uncomfortable spectacle to witness. Davis was clearly concerned that the bad blood from the down and dirty campaign was still present, but one of Schwarzenegger's assistants took the soon-to-be former Governor aside and assured him that it wasn't his fault, that in fact Schwarzenegger has always always acted stiff, stilted and uncomfortable when cameras are rolling. Davis spent the evening watching Schwarzenegger films to reassure himself. [By Claud Jon Gaud Dam, 13 O'Clock Superior Actorvist]
CALIFORNIANS FINALLY GET THEIR SUVS IN GEAR(FLAIMBROIL, KALIFORNIA) Finally California has found something that SUVs are good for besides choking up rush hour traffic and scaring people in Hyundais - escaping from brush fires. "Before I only used it to carry home a couple bags of groceries from the Food Pitt, but I was amazed at how much my Escape really carried! I loaded up all my CDs and DVDs, the entertainment system, the PC, the pots and pans from the kitchen, my easy chair and of course I got my dogs and cats in there too," said proud SUV owner Bertha Haagendas. "My neighbor has an Expedition and he got in three full rooms of furniture including his king size bed." The record however was taken by Maurice O'Beise who owns a specially modified Hummer HUV. His machine is equipped with hydraulic lifters and earthmover tires so it was eleven feet higher off the ground than a regular SUV, allowing O'Beise to cart away the contents of his 14 room mansion along with his swimming pool. His escape was hailed by tired firefighters because all the houses he crushed on his way out of the threatened area made an excellent firebreak. [by Christopher Trailer-Hitchens, 13 O'Clock Guy On The Move]
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VISITS FIRE RAVAGED AREAS
(SMOLDERN VALLEY, KALIFORNIA) Governor-Elect Arnold Schwarzenegger today went to areas of Southern California hard hit by brush fires. The novice politician seemed a little dumbstruck as to what to do about the huge conflageration, however. "I tried saying 'Hasta la vista, baby' from a helicopter loudspeaker but the fire seemed to ignore me," said the perplexed Austrian, "it even ignored me when I said, 'I totally recall you, I terminate you, I erase you, I commando you to stop, you are causing too much collateral damage!" When asked about providing funds to help Californians rebuild, Schwarzenegger said that everyone was on their own since he had made a pledge not to raise taxes and that "financing rebuilding would be too much like getting into the power business like Gray Davis did." He did go running to Resident Bush, but Dubya said he was already a half trillion dollars in the hole and besides "Halliburton is busy rebuilding Iraq right now." Arnold confessed, "I did think being Governor would be more fun than this, but who's really upset is my wife Maria. She isn't looking forward to living in that piece of shit mansion in, what was it again, oh yes, Sacramento. At least I am glad we have no fires up there."[by Smokey Mesquite, 13 O'Clock Pyrophile]
NOT KAHLIFORNEEYA NEWS
TIMBER INDUSTRY PLAYING FAIR
(STRIPMINE, WA) Thanks to the vigilance of Bush appointee and head of the Forestry Department, Donny Waremeyer, the timber industry has been turned back at the shores of this small Washington state town. Original plans called for harvesting all of the estimated 130,000 trees, but the tough Waremeyer pulled the plug on the chippers at the last moment. Often questioned by Bush critics who felt it was a strange move putting a stock-owning member of the Waremeyer Lumber family in charge of the nation's forests, Waremeyer proved himself worthy of the job when he parked his Rolls Royce Silver Cloud in front of the last tree standing to prevent its destruction. He later negotiated a contract with his family ensuring that for every acre previously cleared, at least one Wal-Mart will be erected. The White House issued a statement calling this "a great day for the environment." [By Jack Lumbar, 13 O'Clock Chain Saw Masochist]
AMERICAN STUNTMEISTER THINKS OUTSIDE THE BOX ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(LONDON, ENGLAND) Illusionist David Blaine has ended his 44 day stunt in which he was suspended in a box over the River Thames in London with only water for sustenance. The 30 year old American, who was taunted by large crowds most of the time, was taken to a nearby hospital due to a heart condition caused by the dumb-ass stunt. Blaine, who encased himself in ice for 58 hours in 2000 and stood on a 24 meter flag pole with no safety net for 35 hours in 2002, immediately announced plans for his next "event." He will take his show on the road once again, this time to Australia, where he will have all his arteries opened with a serrated knife and then fling himself into shark-infested waters for 27 weeks (or "as long as it takes to finally buy the damned farm"). Right-To-Life groups have filed petitions to stop the stunt, but public pressure is expected to prevail, as most people just want to be done with this crap. [Mandrake Sauergrape, 13 O'Clock Delusionist]
CONTROVERSIAL REAGAN MINISERIES TO AIR(SANTA BARBARIAN, KALIFORNIA) A new miniseries that portrays the White House years of Ronald Reagan is rewriting history according to historian Libby Knutcaise of Realitycheque University. "They are making Reagan out to be a kindly old grandfather figure with a penchant for jellybeans and an endearing memory problem, and everybody knows that's not true," she said. "This is the guy who sold weapons to both Ayatollah Kohmeni and Saddam Hussein, enlisted Manuel Noriega in the War On Drugs, ran an illegal war in Nicaragua and trained Osama Bin Laden how to be a terrorist! In fact, if George Bush really wants to prove there's any link between Saddam and Osama, all he has to do is say they both worked for this guy!" When asked to prove her findings, Professor Knutcaise threw her hands up in dismay and said that Ollie North and Fawn Hall had shredded all the evidence she had collected. SHOX TV said that in lieu of hard evidence to the contrary they will procceed to air the miniseries, The Passion of Saint Ronald, without further delay. [by William "I never died" Casey, 13 O'Clock Ghostwriter]
NEW SPORTS CHANNEL TO FEATURE KOBE BRYANT
(TINTINITUSTOWN, CA) Rupert Murdoch, who already owns 47 broadcast operations in greater Los Angeles today announced plans to convert one of his TV stations into All-Kobe-Bryant programming. "With the upcoming rape trial and the circus he created with comments about his teammates as the season started, plus coverage of all the regular season games, old championship tapes, footage of all the wildfires he started in frustration last month, even those Sprite and McDonald's commercials they pulled everywhere else, we'll have enough Kobe programming to keep this going 24 hours a day. It'll be all Kobe, all the time!" said Murdoch triumphantly. The Aussie media mogul then was overheard off-mike saying that the final piece of his grand scheme to conquer the United States was finally in place. The All-Kobe station will be renamed KOBE. [by Anita Byrant Gumbel, 13 O'Clock Sports Gadfly]
CONSERVATIVES FORCE WEST WING TO CABLE(HOLLYWOOD, CA) Emboldened by their recent success bullying CBS into moving a biopic about Ronald and Nancy Reagan to a cable network, conservative groups have struck again, this time taking down the Emmy-winning drama series, The West Wing. Citing "inaccuracies in the program's depiction of republicans as crusading zealots determined to force their opinions on the country," the conservative coalition, formed for this purpose and temporarily dubbed the Coalition for the Removal of Alternative Programming (CRAP) easily bullied NBC into moving The West Wing to a 3:00 AM slot on the Lifetime Network. West Wing spokesperson C.J. Cregg insists this is not the final word on the matter. "To my knowledge, they have no legal foot to stand on," she told a roomful of mock reporters in a mock pressroom, "and we should be fine just as soon as this country once again has a system of checks and balances." [by Barbara Brolin, 13 O'Clock Far West Winger]
TV LISTINGS [PTL] Sunday, 5:00am - "Survivor Simi Valley": Valley residents try to survive a small earthquake and a huge wild fire, the ones with unburnt houses band together and attempt to vote off the newly homeless. [Ed.Note: Ends just in time to go to Sunrise Services.)
[C-SPAM] Sunday, 9:00am - "Beat The Press": Ann Coulter attacks Walter Cronkite with a baseball bat for allegedly polluting America with liberal views, even though he retired as CBS's anchor in 1981. (30 min)
[HBO] Monday, 8:00pm - "Sex & The City": Miranda attempts to sell baby Brady on the black market; Carrie finally meets the perfect man and reacts by running right back to Big; After local Amber Alert signs are used to warn citizens of the results of a certain file at the Free Clinic, New York becomes known as "The city that never sleeps... with Samantha!"; Charlotte is still a dull prude. (30 min.)
[CAN] Monday, 8:00pm - "Oh, Canada?": French Quebec sqirms under English Ottowa's domination, Curling from Edmonton, report on northern lakes freezing over, Curling from Nova Scotia. (8 hours)
[MAX] Tuesday, 7:00am - "A Dingo Ate My Baby Out In Africa By A Bridge In Madison Country": Meryl Streep in what is probably a stunning display of acting. We can't say. We couldn't get through it. Way too damned long. Major chick flick, too. (17 hours)
[ESPN2] Tuesday, 6:30pm - "Bowling For Food Stamps": The current economy provides for ten-pin action and heart-tugging emotions as families face off in a winner-take-all competition for approximately 100 dollars worth of food stamps. It's hilarity and humiliation galore. [Ed.Note: May be interrupted for a Bush campaign infomercial.] (2 hours)
[SST] Wedensday, 10:00am - "The Shortest Last Flight": Live coverage of passengers sipping champagne and going nowhere fast on the last Atlantic crossing of the Concorde. (2 hours, 23 minutes)
[PBS] Wednesday, 5:30pm - "Nova": Scientists explore "The Mystery Of Geraldo Rivera's Brain" in this two hour program that asks many questions yet answers few. Why does this one brain react and process so differently from others? Why does it take negative data (I'm a schmuck, God I'm an idiot, I can't believe I just did this or that) and output it as delusions of grandure (I'm a god, you're all schmucks, I'm so wonderful for what I just did despite the possible loss of lives)? You'll travel through the damaged circuits of this strange mind until you reach the core, as empty as Capone's vault. A disturbing program for the entire family. (2 hours)
[PPV] Wednesday, 9pm - "Boxing": Iron Mike Tyson (34-194, 30 KOs) takes on Suzie Jones (0-22, 0 KOs) in a 10 round heavyweight bought, live from Caesar's Palace. Jones, who only weighs 122 pounds soaking wet, has yet to win a professional fight. Tyson, once the most feared man in boxing before losing 194 bouts, half by disqualification, chose to fight Jones rather than face a legitimate top 10 opponent because Jones reportedly looks very much like Robbin Givens. Pay-Per-View sales have been brisk, proving once again that you're a bunch of very sick bastards. (3 hours)
[NBC] Thursday, 8:02pm - "Will & Grace": The popular sitcom begins a new phase tonight with a risky move as unreliable actor Robert Downey, Jr. debuts as Jack's new love interest, Larry. [Ed. Note: At press time, it was unclear how the network would deal with Downey's drug bust, which came just 18 minutes into his debut episode, although NBC's bizarre start/end times might allow the show to have no conclusion, taking them off the hook at least for this week.]
[FOX-KOBE] Friday, 3:00pm - "Bryant On Trial": Johnny Cochran on Kobe's Trial, Jesse Jackson on Kobe's Trial, Gray Davis on Kobe's Trial, Al Sharpton on Kobe's Trial, Cher on Kobe's Trial, Larry King on Kobe's Trial, Cedric The Entertainer on Kobe's Trial, Mikhail Gorbachev on Kobe's Trial, Warren Sapp on Kobe's Trial, Enrique Iglesias on Kobe's Trial, Fulton Sheen on Kobe's Trial, Shaquille O'Neal on freethrow shooting, Bill Clinton on Kobe's trial, Jessica Lynch on Kobe's Trial, Morgul the Friendly Drelb on Kobe's Trial (1 hour, repeats every hour until there's actually something to report)
[FOX NEWS] Friday, 9:00pm - "George W. Bush's Humanitarian Contributions: The Mini-Series" takes a short, soft look at something or other. If nothing else, an interesting, albeit brief, examination of spin doctors at work. Part one of one. (12 min.)
[CBS] Saturday, 8:00pm - "Debriefing Private Lynch": The sequel to Saving Jessica Lynch finds the injured young soldier safe and sound but unable to sleep as she's pestered around the clock by military brass looking for some strong press from the event. Starring Goldie Hawn as Jessica Lynch and Brad Pitt as Donald Rumsfeld. [Ed.Note: At press time there was a possibility the conservative group, CRAP, might pressure CBS to move the program to late night slot on the Lifetime cable network.]
A veteran comedian,
one ofthe best ever on
Saturday Night Live, has
been reduced to shilling for
potato chips!
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.