WE CALL ELECTION THAT'S TOO CLOSE TO CALL
(AMERICA, THE BEAUTIFUL) After a day that has seen a record turnout at polls all across the United States, after an emotional night of speculation, surprise and disappointment, after the biggest collapse in the history of the Zogby Poll, and despite the fact that millions of absentee ballots are still uncounted, the 13 O'Clock News is now projecting Ralph Nader as the next President of the United States of America. Exit polls show voters were inspired by the complete lack of attack ads or any other kind of ads from the Nader camp. Many voters seem to have been thanking Nader for doing such a marvelous job as a consumer advocate. Others were simply choosing the only major candidate not personally mentioned by Osama Bin Laden in his recently screened videotaped message. Neither the Bush nor Kerry campaigns made concession speeches tonight, apparently needing an extra day to figure out, in the words of Bush aide Karen Hughes, "just what in the fuck could possibly have caused something as silly as that!?"
[by H. Ross Smythe, 13 O'Clock Electoral Community College Counselor]
NEW INTELLIGENCE POST WILL HAVE LIMITATIONS
(WASHINGTON, DC) President George W. Bush has demanded obedience from the house and senate regarding his order to pass legislation that will limit the powers of the National Security Director. That post was created under duress after the 9/11 Commission released its findings and concluded there was a glaring need for one chief to oversee all the intelligence agencies. The Bush administration first refused to cooperate, then did a sudden about face, creating the post overnight and appointing Harrison Bergeron (R-Tora Bora) to fill it. If the Bush Bill passes, Bergeron will have no access to computer files, terrorist tracking software or even computers, he will not be given a budget for a staff, he shall not have an office in the lower 48 states, and he must wear an earpiece that causes coherent thoughts to be wiped away by the sounds of loud whistles, shrieks and crashes. President Bush was unavailable for comment because Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment. [By Kay Vonnegut, 13 O'Clock * Dept.]
ASTEROID’S NEAR MISS WITH
EARTH PRECIPITATES NEW TAX CUTS
(Washington, D.C.) The asteroid Toutatis (also called Asteroid 4179) recently passed within 1 million miles of earth, which in astronomical terms is a "buzz cut," since only a slight difference in its trajectory could have sent it plunging straight towards Earth, unleashing an inestimable cataclysm. It is now well-known to "scientists" that an asteroid colliding with the Earth 65 million years ago caused widespread extinction of dinosaurs and other terrestrial lifeforms, in direct conflict with strict scriptural/governmental law.
At a recent briefing, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, "This is a sign that only President Bush can keep America--and indeed the world--safe in these troubled and turbulent times. He must be re-elected" When asked by members of the press to elaborate, McClellan uncovered an easel with poster-sized flowchart drawings that included Congress, the Senate, the Judicial Branch, the Executive Branch (including the President, Vice President, etc.), and the asteroid. "You might notice that during the Clinton administration, no funding was allocated to fighting the imminent terror of asteroids," he stated while pointing to the part of the diagram labeled "Tax & Spend Democrats." Moving his pointer toward the box labeled "Welfare Cheaters & Known Liberals," he continued, "After September 11, 2001, we all knew that ignoring such a destructive menace was a mistake. It could cost lives, property, and money to stand idly by as vestiges of the early solar system bombarded an unprotected America. Therefore, we proposed and signed into law two tax cuts to lower the burden upon Americans, which would assure that future threats by Toutatis and other ‘rogue asteroids’ would not go unanswered. We are at war, and asteroids are terrorists."
When asked by one reporter how cutting taxes would mean greater security against asteroids and other extraterrestrial threats, McClellan concluded the press briefing by saying, "You’re either with us or against us," and had the reporter held for questioning. [By Rosacea Epiduris, 13 O'Clock Science Editor]
USERS KICKED OFF YAHWEHCO NET
(GADDA-DA-VIDA, IN) Adam Human and Eve Human, long-time subscribers to the Yahweh.net service were summarily kicked off the system today after YahwehCo's Seraphim Gabriel, AKA the Voice, announced with a flaming virtual sword that the pair had let a highly destructive worm loose in the system.
In a prepared statement Adam Human claimed that although he has lived in Gadda-Da-Vida and used YahwehCo for all his networking needs "pretty much from First Light" he had not had anything to do with unleashing the worm, other than attempting to load the Fruit program from TreeOfKnowledge.grdn that Eve had emailed him, saying that it was "virus-free and tasty." "I only learned later that it was the same program that Yahweh program had warned us to keep behind the firewall," he said.
For her part Eve Human said she had nothing at all to do with the destructive Satan worm that got behind the firewall and allowed downloading of Fruit from TreeOfKnowledge. "I thought YahwehCo's virus protection was a lot better than that," she said. "The worm displayed an ad that made Fruit look like a great program; I had no idea we'd get thrown off the Yahweh Net for this." Both the Humans said they were very sorry but that the user manual that came with the network was very hard to understand, so making improper downloads is far too easy to happen. They have put in a repair order with Saviour.son to correct the problem. Fully guaranteed readmission to Yahweh.Net as been promised but apparently there is only one technician available and the exact time of his arrival is uncertain.
Seraphim Gabriel proclaimed that the Humans were forever barred from using Yahweh's free email service and they must now rely on snail mail for the rest of their lives. For their part the Humans are looking to possibly subscribe to a competing service like Zeus.god, Buddha.zen or Atheist.unorg for their networking needs. [by Christian Broadband, 13 O'Clock Cyber-Scripture Analyst]
UNDIES SNAP TIGHTER AS ELECTION DRAWS CLOSER
(WAFFLETON, OH) "Well, at least the terrorists haven’t been able to use any of the 300 tons of explosive they stole in Iraq yet, so I still feel kinda safe" These are the words of Headley Bellclapper, an unemployed steel-radial knitter from this tiny suburb near Akron. "On the other hand the fact that John Kerry referred to Mary Cheney in the third debate doesn’t make me feel any safer either," he added.
Bellclapper has been unemployed for three years now and was originally put on disability for decidophobia, a pathological fear of decision making, an increasingly common disorder in the Buckeye State. His neighbor, LaFonda Rutter, is similarly afflicted. "I know the economy has been bad and I sure wish I had health care. I think Kerry could help us on things like that but he is such a flip flopper on that swift boat thing. All he seems to care about is getting a bunch of shipping containers inspected, as if someone’s planning to ship a bomb here or something. Don’t they know we have Homeland Securities?" Rutter later admitted that the theft of the explosives would be reason to vote against Bush, except that it had not been mentioned on Fox News, which she uses as an aide to hypertension. Both voters say they may just flip a coin on Election Day. [by A. Poplectic, 13 O’Clock Poll Bearer]
RUMSFELD: COMMENTS MISUNDERSTOOD,
TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) This is your weekly news item reporting that another Donald Rumsfeld comment has either been misquoted or taken out of context. The Secretary of Defense assures you that anything he said this week that might have put the Bush Administration in general or himself in particular in a bad light must obviously have been a misunderstanding at best or a dirty Democrat trick at worst. Add it to the long list of previous misquotes and context faux pas' and go about your business. [by Karen Hughes, on loan from the White House Spin Room]
HEINZ KERRY CHARGED WITH ILLEGAL CAMPAIGN TACTICS
(REDSTAIT, KS) Kansas Republicans today charged Teresa Heinz Kerry, the wife of
Senator John Kerry, with illegal bribery of voters. "Every time you go into a
McDonalds and get fries, there's her name on them little ketchup packets. Any
fool can get a whole handful of 'em, sometimes without even buyin' anything!"
said Republican campaign worker Winston Witebred. "Now how are we supposed to
compete with that kind of blatant vote buying? Push polling? Endless repetition
of Kerry flip-flop ads on every channel? Declaring Kerry is demon possessed from
the pulpit? Well we've tried all that and it just isn't getting any traction."
The Federal Election Commission is currently looking into the charges and is
expected to return a verdict soon after lunch. [by Warren Burgerking, 13
O'Clock Fast Food Flip-Flopper]
McCAULEY CULKIN CELEBRATES FIRST ARREST
(HOLYWOODIE, CA) After being arrested for marijuana possession in a routine
traffic stop recently, McCauley Culkin proclaimed he was thankful to finally
shed his public image, that of a snotty little prankster in the Home Alone
movies, in favor of a snotty adult drug abuser. "It's more difficult than you
know to attract girls in your twenties after you've achieved fame as a
prepubescent kid," said the former child star in a post arrest press conference.
Culkin's publicist, Morrie Greengrabber, added, "We've actually had Mac out
there driving around with pot in his possession constantly for about five years
now, and we finally got that bust we needed. Now we can finally get him into
some more features." According to Greengrabber, the first new offer is already
in, and Culkin is considering an action-comedy role where he'll play a Delta
Force commando recently returned from Iraq, only to find his house uneder
assault by two bumbling Al Qaeda operatives. The publicist further confided,
"He'll probably have to take a lot of steroids to bulk up for that part, but we
think it's pretty promising compared to the offers we've had over Mac's teens."
[by Justin Kase, 13 O'Clock Child Star Tracker]
ELTON JOHN SAYS TANTRUMS TO BE EXPECTED
(LONDON, ENGLAND) Sir Elton John called a press conference today to explain some recent behavior that was apparently less than polite.
"I know people are probably shocked at my outburst," the aging former pop star said as no flashbulbs popped in his general vicinity, "but you have to expect things like this from extraordinarily creative people, like me."
At press time there was still no word on what the befeathered pianist was talking about, as no one could remember any recent outbursts of tempermental behavior or creativity on his part.
"It's not that we think we're better than you," explained John, his massive sunglasses resting uncomfortably on his wig, "It's simply that you're not complex enough to understand us, or do anything much more than serve us, really."
John's new album, Dumbed Down 4 U, is available in ample supply in a bargain bin near you. [by Jack R. Bowie, 13 O'Clock "Where Are They Now" Dept.]
G. G. ALLIN COMEBACK CUT SHORT
(NEW YORK, NY) Punk rock star G.G. Allin, who died of a drug overdose in 1993, rose from the dead Friday night and died again within the hour. Baffled doctors and scientists faced a stunned press later in the evening.
"The best we can figure is the guy had so many chemicals in his system he just sort of fizzed up," said Dr. Nathan Jarvis, chief resident of Our Sister of Endless Oppression Hospital in New York City. County Coroner Soo Ku Kim disagrees. "I saw him perform in the '80s. This must certainly involve the devil."
In the one hour Allin was once again alive he was kicked out of two clubs, chased by police in two difference districts and wrote and recorded a song. The first G. G. Allin record in eleven years, "Lick Me Twice: I've Decomposed" will be released tomorrow to capitalize on the star's re-death.
The new end came suddenly when Allin collapsed while trying to make poop-animal from his fecal matter to hand out to children. "The original report from 1993 said he had enough drugs in his system to kill him twice," noted Dr. Jarvis. "Chalk one up for the accuracy of the medical examiner." None of The Ramones could be reached for comment. [By Emillio Gabbahay, 13 O'Clock Resident Punk]
POWELL: COMMENTS MISUNDERSTOOD,
TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) This is your weekly news item reporting that another Colin Powell comment has either been misquoted or taken out of context. The Secretary of State assures you that anything he said this week that might have put the Bush Administration on the defensive must obviously have been nothing more than a case of your ears fucking up. Secretary Powell wishes you would get your act together, but keep an open mind until approximately November 3rd, when the meaning of this cryptic sentence may or may not be made clear, depending on something or other. [by Mary Mallon, on permanent loan from the White House Spin Room]
AL-ZARQAWI PLEDGES ALLEGIANCE TO BIN LADEN
(FALLUJA, IRAQ) Terrorist Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, al Qaeda's closest ally in Iraq and the man responsible for the beheadings of American and British civilian workers, has pledged his allegiance to al Queda leader Osama Bin Laden.
In other late breaking news, Popeye has pledged his allegiance to spinach. We'll bring you more on both surprising stories as news develops.
[By Bob, the office boy, 13 O'Clock Slow News Day Desk]
11 YEAR OLD GOES MEDIEVAL ON BABYSITTER'S ASS
(BARSTOW, CA) An 11 year old girl is in custody after attacking her 34 year old babysitter with a machete, a baseball bat, a shovel and a BB gun. Barstow police are calling it one of the most disturbing cases of "undisciplined brat attacks on record." Defense attorney H.A. Slithero spoke briefly at a press conference today, explaining away his client's actions scientifically. "It wasn't my client's fault, and it wasn't the babysitter's fault. What we have here is a fluke, an accident, a mishap," explained Slithero. "The babysitter didn't realize she was standing between my client and her Butterfinger. Hey, kids today, huh?" The inexperienced and uncomfortable Slithero was left to fill for 23 minutes while awaiting the arrival of Johnny Cochrane, architect of what is already being called the "Bart Simpson Defense." [By Elizabeth Bordon, 13 Whacks]
NEW HOUSEPAINT DIET WORRIES BRITISH MDs
(EMBER-UPON-EPIDURIS, NOTTS., ENGLAND) Doctors are warning dieters to be
careful with a new regimen that includes drinking housepaint following
complaints from those who have paid thousands of pounds for the diet and
came away with nausea and other afflictions, including uncontrolled,
rapid weight loss.
Dr. A.P. Ductile, of the British Pediatric & Geriatric Association in
Hungerford explains what is making the diet resonate with so many: “The
theory put forth by those selling the diet books is that since
housepaint protects wood and metal so well, acting as an impervious
barrier to the elements, then it naturally follows that coating the
interior of the gastrointestinal tract will stop fat and other soluble
materials from permeating the linings of the stomach and
intestine.”Bloating, severe cramping, vomiting, and several other
symptoms have characterized the maladies afflicting those who have taken
to this diet, as reported by several hospitals throughout the U.K.
Says researcher Paloma Ritardando of the Turbo-Hasty Institute, “This
diet is reminiscent of some of the crazes of the 1970s and 1980s,
including the Turpentine And Turnips Diet, the Wolverine Entrails And
Pickles Diet, and the Grapefruit And Limburger Cheese Diet,” all of
which, she notes, resulted in rapid weight loss, but in many cases
permanent damage such as loss of sense of smell. Other treated symptoms
arising from those diets included constant itching, aching of the ribs,
and auditory hallucinations. “In the most extreme cases,” she
elaborates, “patients we treated were scratching behind their ears with
their feet and making growling noises while swatting at the air and
Some are quite enthusiastic about the diet, including Elton
Llandrindrod, a Welsh miner from Aarnditeesi, a mid-uplands town just
south of Cardiff. “I’ve lost nearly half my body weight in just a
month,” the 63kg man says with great pride. “I plan to stay on it until
I’ve lost the other half.” In nearby Forkkinhotto, three sisters have
lost a combined 300kg in just four months. “If you don’t mind the
metallic taste and the odd, unexplained ringing in your ears, it’s the
best diet you’ll ever be on,” eldest sister Beantra says. Middle sister
Wynda agrees, and adds that the many hours she has had to spend doubled
over the commode have given her time to catch up on the dozen or so
novels she has been meaning to read for several years. Youngest sister
Doorine is still taking a wait-and-see attitude: “My back needs constant
scratching, and I’ve only lost a couple of pounds so far.”
Smedlow P. Rankin, founder of the Institute Of Dietratix, which
introduced the diet and has 26 centres throughout England and Latvia,
believes that naysayers are being hysterical. “It is quite possible that
they misunderstand the proper application of the housepaint,” he
explains. “It is of utmost importance that the diet begin when the body
temperature is between 50 degrees and 75 degrees Celsius, and humidity
is no greater than 62%. In addition, we have found that a certain amount
of preparation of the esophagus and stomach are sometimes necessary,
including scraping, smoothing with medium-grit sandpaper, and
application of two coats of high-quality primer.”Asked if he had
anything else to add, Mr. Rankin replied, “Yes. We suggest liberal
application of that blue masking tape around the mouth and nose before
beginning the diet.”
Meanwhile, the Royal Dietary & Equestrian Advisory Board (RDEAD) will be
examining the diet and perhaps calling for a halt to it, pending further
studies. Hearings are to begin in two fortnights or 29 days--whichever
is less. [By Chip Leaden, 13 O'Clock Primary Colorist]
RICE: COMMENTS MISUNDERSTOOD,
TAKEN OUT OF CONTEXT
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) This is your weekly news item reporting that another Condoleeza Rice comment has either been misquoted or taken out of context. Ms. Rice expects you to drop it. You're wrong if you think you shouldn't. With the election just around the corner, Ms. Rice is under a great amount of pressure to find a way to wash the nasty smell off her career and present herself as someone you -- or anyone else -- would want to hire. You think that's easy after the deep immersion she's endured in the Bush Bullshit tank? No, my friend, it is not, and so she will thank you to just give her the Goddamn benefit of the doubt on this one misquote, misstep or outright lie or I swear she'll jump! Just BACK OFF, you jackals, because she'll do it! [by John Mitchell, Dead member of President's Council of Throw-aways]
PIZZA POLLS ARE IN
(SWING STATES, USA) The media frenzy over that strange and elusive creature known as the "undecided voter" has spilled over the top of the political lid and into other areas of life. The Undies, as they're unaffectionately refereed to among members of the press, have had ample opportunity to see the differences between George Bush and John Kerry and to study them in intense debates, yet most are still completely unable to make up their minds.
Realizing there's no story there, journalists have started reporting on other aspects of their lives. The most significant findings thus far:
78% of all Undies drive convertibles,
91% wear reversible jackets,
86% own more than one book of baby names
and a whopping 97.9 percent only order plain cheese pizza.
"They can't do anything else," explains psychologist Wolfgang Reisendorf. "Asked to choose toppings, they are overwhelmed and go into brain lock." Reisendorf studies Undies at a think tank in Ohio, one of the most important swing states in this election. His findings have been rather disturbing. "We show them that the meat is bad on one night and that the veggies are perfect and fresh," says Reisendorf," and they'll still consider both for half an hour, then order a cheese pizza. Then some smart ass asks "Coke or Pepsi," and, well, here we go again."
But what about the presidential election? Will they swing toward Bush or Kerry? "Listen, that's just too much pressure," says Reisendorf. "They're already feeling overwhelmed. Factor in Nader and most of these people begin to bleed internally." [By Ben Waffelinberg 13 O'Clock or 14 O'Clock News Desk]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Believe me, you can't believe us. Not when it comes to the 13 O'clock News, anyway. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.