BUSH ENTERTAINS AT U.N.
(NEW YORK, N.Y.) - During a speech meant to bring the United States back into the good graces of the United Nations, Resident Bush found himself facing cold stares and dead silence during his "dramatic pauses."
The Resident, well known for fast thinking on his feet, sensed the growing tension and, turning to look to his handlers for help, realized that the green backdrop was his out. For the final fifteen minutes of his time at the podium, the Resident entertained his increasingly friendly audience with his world renowned shadow puppets of bunny rabbits, roosters, deer, bombers, slightly different bunny rabbits and his life-sized shadow puppet of a fascist dictator.
He was off the stage, in the limo and gone before anyone realized the task at hand had not been completed.
"We're still pissed at him," said U.N. undersecretary Mbutay Nanookay, "but the bunnies, you must admit, they were just adorable." [Lamont Cranston, 13 O'Clock Shadow Analyst]
OCTOBER UNEMPLOYMENT FIGURES UP DRAMATICALLY
(GNASHINGTON, DC) - The Government Accounting Office today delivered some bad news to the Bush Administration - Unemployment figures are up dramatically early in October. "I've asked everyone in my cabinet and we're just stumped about this," said Resident Bush who was rushing past reporters and hundreds of former telemarketers to attend a gala event celebrating the passage of the Federal Do Not Call List. "I'll have my people call your people as soon as I find out!" he called over his shoulder. [Aaron De Siedacaushun, 13 O'Clock Part Time Productivity Consultant]
LIMBAUGH BACK TO HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE
In his first appearance on his own TV show since being asked to leave ESPN amid the furor over some racist remarks, talentless personality Rush Limbaugh apologized to African Americans for his insensitivity.
"I looked at some game film of Donovan McNabb and I've come to realize that he's not overrated after all," said the right wing bigot. "Turns out the spook can really play. Sure, he runs for more yards than he passes for, but you know how those people love to run."
For the next hour, Limbaugh took dozens of sympathetic phone calls from slurring southern-accented fans who seemed to feel he'd gotten a raw deal. "It's nothing new," the idiot icon verbally farted. "When I've spread vicious lies about Bill Clinton, I've been attacked; When I've spread vicious lies about homosexuals, I've been attacked; when I've spread vicious lies about anyone who says anything bad about me, I've been attacked. Really, this is just another desperate move by racists."
Racists? Attacking Limbaugh?
"Sure," belched the Arch Bishop of Bullshit, "people from inferior races attacking me because I'm from the master race. Plain and simple. I would have thought that by 2003 we'd be past all that." [Newt Ganggreen, 13 O'Clock Uncivil Right Expert]
WHITE HOUSE SOURCES OUT CIA OPERATIVE
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) - For the second time in just a few short months, unnamed senior officials in the Bush Administration have leaked the name of a high level CIA intelligence operative to conservative media stooge Robert Novak. In his column on October 6th, Novak revealed information linking Geraldo Rivera to over 20 years of covert spying and involvement in matters so sensitive that the very survival of America often hung in the balance. The earlier outing of the wife of former Ambassador Joseph Wilson was clearly an act of revenge for Wilson's report stating there was no sale of weapons grade plutonium to Iraq by Niger. Sources who spoke on conditions of anonymity say Rivera's outing was done simply because nobody likes the twit. Bugsy Nikkon, the official spokesman for the CIA, would only say this was a serious blow to the agency, as Rivera had the best cover of any of their agents after spending years convincing the world he was an inept, annoying, bumbling moron. [George Lazenby, 13 O'Clock Dept. of Intelligence Failures.]
OIL DISCOVERED IN IRAQ!
("Who knew?!" askes surprised President)
(INTHUBAGH, IRAQ) - Army engineers in this desert area are reporting a surprise discovery: several oil gushers apparently fired heavenward while the soldiers were digging for weapons of mass destruction.
"We expected nukes and we got crude," said a just-as-amazed-as-you-are General Jeb Bush. "Who knew there was oil in this stinking country? We sure didn't. And you can quote me on that, please."
Very little oil was lost in the early moments after the discovery. "It's a testament to the preparedness of the fighting men and women of the United States Military," said Captain Wolfgang G. Cheney, "to note that they had the wherewithal to build working oil rigs from some spare enormous metal structural pieces the unit happened to be hauling around." Ah, but what about drums? "They just dusted off some 100 gallon metal drums and used those. We're proud of our people, by God."
Back in America, Resident George W. Bush greeted the news with enthusiasm. "We never, ever in a million years dreamed there would be oil in Iraq," squealed the giddy dictator. "This gives us great hope for Iran and Syria, and then we're thinking of rolling into England." [F. Chief (The man who wears the star), 13 O'Clock Spoutist.]
GATES SAYS HE CAN FIX THE GOVERNMENT
(SEATTLE-TACOMETER, WA) Many people across the United States say they are fed up with the performance of the Federal Government, citing hang-ups in various social programs, unresponsive public utilities and clogged traffic on the nation’s superhighway system. Fortunately there may be relief on the way. Today amid the furor Bill Gates stepped forward with an audacious plan to improve the Government. "It’s a pretty simple concept really," said the billionaire, "Fire everyone and let them get reelected to their jobs. It’s basically a re-boot of the entire Government." Gates then added that if the plan didn’t work, he would recommend shutting down the government in order to install a new operating system, Constitution 2004, with special new features like a balanced budget, context sensitive citizen participation and help menus that actually help. After the announcement pundits everywhere decried the plan, repeating a false rumor that Constitution 2004 was a huge program that required more than 300 terabytes of memory at every terminal. Gates laughed and said that the concept was actually a very old one that required less than a single ream of paper to spell out, but that it did require a total shutdown of the nation’s television and cable systems. Forever. [by Kevin Phillips Bong, 13 O’Clock Pitiful Politico]
LOS ANGELES INCREASES LAP DANCING DISTANCE LOCAL NEWS
(LOST BUSINESS, CA) The City Council of Los Angeles, not satisfied with the effectiveness of their ordinance on lap dancing, voted today to increase the allowable distance between dancer and patron from 6 feet to 300 miles. "This is the minimum reasonable distance that we felt would prevent all contact between dancer and patron," said Councilman Zip Bohner, as he boarded a bus to Las Vegas for a weekend junket. "We in Los Angeles are finally assured of a clean city. And let me use this occasion to thank the fine people of the Nevada Gaming Commission for graciously providing the venue for our next City Council meeting at no cost." [by Euripides Pants and I. Hityu, 13 O'Clock Lap Dancing Beat]
ANOTHER YANKS/SOX GAME, ANOTHER MUGGING SPORTS
(NEW YORK, N.Y) Aid units, police officers, a swat team and the National Guard were called to Yankee Stadium today after yet another fight broke out during the American League Championship Series between the New York Yankees and the Boston Redsox. Details were sketchy at press time, but here's what we do know thus far:
* New York's starting pitcher, who shall remain nameless pending an INS investigation of the status of his visa, threw a fastball directly at the testicles of Redsox slugger Manny Ramirez, who strode to the mound, removed his batting gloves and slapped the pitcher with them, demanding satisfaction.
* Boston's starting pitcher, who shall remain nameless pending a police investigation into several criminal charges filed by Kobe Bryant, threw a knockdown pitch at his own first baseman, who charged the mound. One bench cleared, but no punches were thrown during the confusing moment.
* New York reliever Jeff Nelson beaned himself when he forgot to release the ball. The Yankees bench cleared as Nelson charged it. Order was restored moments later.
* During the 9th inning of an otherwise boring game with terrible pitching and inept hitting, several Yankee players charged, tackled and beat a 7 year old Bosox bat boy. Moments later, Boston players drove through the dugout fence in their Hummers, chasing down New York grounds crewmen. Umpires were led off the field to safety.
This is just the most recent in a long series of embarrassments for the game of baseball. The fake commissioner, Bud Selig, handed down fines of 50 cents to all the spoiled millionaires involved and then pointed out that they really needed to play some baseball, as nobody even knows who has been winning the games and where the series currently stands. Yankee committment to cleaning up their game seems questionable considering tonight's firing of manager Joe Torre and the hiring of Vince McMahon as his replacement. [Casey Strangle, 13 O'Clock Sportsmanship Deathwatch]
HAPLESS CUBS FAN GOES UNDERGROUND(CHICAGO, IL.) As the citizens of Chicago take up torches and pitchforks and roam the streets in search of the fan who knocked the foul ball away from Moises Alou's glove in game six of the NLCS, that fan has made like a banana. The fan has been swallowed up into the Witness Relocation Program and given a new identify, a new home, and new hope. At the very moment the Chicago Cubs were being eliminated from the series the day after his little error, the fan, who had been named in the press but has now been renamed Danny Fowlfingers by Witness Relocation Program officials, was picked up in a blue and white Witness Relocation Program van (license plate CUBZ4EVR) and driven to his new home town of Boston, Mass. There, he'll live in anonymity and safety at 1313, Curse Avenue, without fear of discovery by angry, rabid Cubs fans.
In an unrelated story, Boston hotels have reported a sudden surge in bookings by travelers from the Chicago area, which means a much needed boost to the local economy. More on that story as it develops. [Dent Bucky, 13 O'Clock Unsportsmanlike Conductor]
THIS WEEK'S SUGGESTED TV VIEWING ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
[C-SPAN] Sunday, 2am - "Disgrace The Nation": An interview with Bush cronie Karl Rove, who feeds his answers to a paid actor via telephone because, as we all know, Mr. Rove isn't visible on film or in mirrors. (22 seconds)
[PTL] Sunday, 11:00pm - "Preachers Say The Damnest Things": Bloopers of famous preachers. Tonight Billy Graham says "cavalry" instead of "Calvary." Featurette of Army chaplains taking the Lord's name in vain when under fire in Iraq. (5 hours)
[TLC] Monday, 6:30pm - "Fear Factoring": The contestants are forced to do eighth grade math including, you guessed it, factoring and more factoring, until they get it right. (214 hours, 23 min.)
[FOX] Monday, 8pm - "Straight Talk with Rush Limbaugh": The right wing moral icon discusses the previous administration's shameful record in the war against drugs. May be interrupted for breaking news on Limbaugh's drug arrest. (60 min.)
[CBS] Monday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Part one.) Early settlers build a town at the foot of a California mountain range, elect a sheriff, plant some crops and build a Burger King. (2 hours.)
[PBS] Tuesday, 9pm - Anti-Climactic Theatre: "Screw The Ring" (New Zealand, 2002): Four hobbits, a wizard, an elf, a dwarf and a couple of guys set off on a mission to destroy a magic ring before an evil entity can use it to wipe out all mankind. A great hunt for this fellowship is about to unfold when an evil wizard says 'hell with it' and makes the evil entity a new magic ring instead. Winner of The New Zealand Film Critics Award for most baffling short. (15 min.)
[CBS] Tuesday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Part two.) As the Civil War rages in the east, nobody in Colinga has a clue. The Burger King almost burns down, but it doesn't. (2 hours.)
[SUX] Thursday, 9:30pm - "Miss Demeanor": The adventures of a young ingénue who's always getting busted for petty theft and shoplifting. Starring Raven. Tonight, guest Winona Ryder gets picked up at the 99 Cent Store.
[CBS] Wednesday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Part three.) During World War Two, the men of Colinga go off to fight for Uncle Sam, leaving only women to work at the Burger King in a very special episode entitled "Rosie The Fry Guy." (2 hours.)
[NBC] Thursday, 8pm - "Friends": Ross shacks up with Phoebie because that's the only story line left. (30 min.)
[PAY-PER-PULL] Thursday, 10pm - "Real Weird Sex": Hampsters in the Hamptons; Leather condoms; Drunken girls on spring break pee for distance; novocaine and oral sex make for an unusual sorority hazing. (1 hour.)
[CBS] Thursday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Part four.) The Eisenhower era finds the youth of Colinga forming opposing gangs when it becomes too dangerous to play football in the field due to the many rattlesnakes. The elders are concerned when the Burger King breaks with tradition and begins to let people order their burgers any way they want them. (2 hours.)
[FOX] Friday, 8:30pm - "Survivor - Landfill Island": New reality show where you, the viewer, vote people who irritate you onto an island that is completely covered with trash. The first contestants weren't set at press time, though the voting had Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington well in the lead. (6 hours)
[ABC] Friday, 8:30pm - "Survivor - Wal-Mart": A group of twenty-eight people is locked inside a giant store and forced to survive on whatever they find inside. Tonight the group controlling the Groceries section tries to prevent a hostile take over by the ones in Sporting Goods. (Very brief.)
[CBS] Friday, 8:30pm - "Survivor - Ratings Race": A group of twenty-eight network executives sweat like pigs as they await the ratings and the answer to the big questions: Which of the three Survivor shows snared the viewers and which network will be downsizing at the executive level immediately after the ratings arrive? (60 min. Updates every 5 min. thereafter.)
[CBS] Friday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Part five.) Nothing ever happens in Colinga. (2 hours.)
[CBS] Saturday, 3:00am - "New York Blackout - The Game": Contestants select a sub station to blow up; prizes awarded if they can get the rest of the grid to fail. (1 hour.)
[HOME & GARDEN TV] Saturday, 5:00am - "While You Were In": Sociopathic interior decorators break into homes while the occupants sleep and quietly remove beloved furnishings, paint walls a hideous color and further deface rooms with ugly projects, then split before occupants awaken to discover crime scene. (As long as it takes.)
[CBS] Saturday, 9pm - "Colinga! The MiniSeries": (Conclusion.) The Burger King is closed down when the Highway Department sets up a 2-year detour around the town for road repair purposes. The heartbroken members of the community pack up and hitchhike to Bakersfield. (2 hours.)
The people of California wanted a new Governor. They were presented with over 130 choices. Apparently they couldn't find a single person worth voting for among that huge field, so they elected a robot.
The road grows shorter.
THE 13 O'CLOCK MANDATORY GOV'T POLLThe 13 O'Clock News, in compliance with the wishes of our current government, is making this poll available for our readers. Listen, if you're thinking about skipping over it, I'd think again. They're watching you.
- I know those weapons of mass destruction are somewhere in Iraq, too.
True
- I support the President's aggressions without question because he is our leader.
True- I hate the press for blowing the whole "White House leak/CIA agent" thing out of proportion.
True- I really wish the press would just shut up and let President Bush do his job.
True- On a 10-point scale, I think President Bush's performance since taking office merits a score of:
| 10 | 11 | Double-10s | Lots and lots |- I'm voting for President Bush again because I'm afraid of being sent to Guantanamo Bay as an enemy of the President.
TrueThank you for taking the time to fill out this poll. If you followed the form carefully, you have nothing to worry about. If you did something crazy, like practicing free speech and e-mailing in votes that weren't made readily available in the exam... excuse me, poll, your "score" will be settled by messenger soon.
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, so don't get all flipped out, okay? We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.