PRESIDENT NAMES HEAD OF NEW DEPT.
(WASHINGTON, D.C.) President George W. Bush made history today as he named the first Latino-African-Icelandic-Slavic-Gay-Jewish-Texan to head up a major governmental department. Maria Mira "Little Whoopi" Goldstein-Washington will take the helm of the newly created Department of Domestic Harm in January. "She'll start when I take the oaf of office for my second turn," the President said at an informal press conference in his bathtub. "The task of this department will be to sort of hash out ideas and come up with new ways this administration can harm this country and its people." Asked if, in light of everything this administration had done since taking office in 2001, this might be overkill, the President said "I don't know, they always just give me one talking point per day." [by Duncan Culver, 13 O'Clock Senior Harmed Citizen Analyst]
TOWN ROBBED AS CANDIDATES SPEAK(AINNOJOKE, IA) Resident Bush and Candidate John Kerry both came to town the same day to woo the swing voters of this tiny hamlet in the battleground state of Iowa. All 312 voters were initially thrilled with the attention but soon the bloom was off the rose. Part-time mayor Biff Blumrose said that unfortunately this meant that the 6-man police force and all 8 members of the volunteer fire department were forced into duty to guard overpasses and buildings along the motorcade routes. At least both presidential parties used the same route, Iowa State Route 42, but still, the business district of the town on the I42 Bypass went unguarded for nearly nine hours.
After all the speeches about a new era of security and safety to be created by winning the War On Terrorism had ended and the motorcades had left, Ainnojokers were dismayed to find that hooligans from North Dakota had made off with the contents of three saloons, a tractor dealership and 400 tons of wheat from a grain silo. Also missing was the town hall, a converted Fomotmat booth in the Walmart parking lot, but that appeared to be the work of some students who claimed Ainnojoke High needed a new outhouse. The beleaguered residents were further dismayed to find that the Secret Service left Ainnojoke with bills of $3,063 for catered food and drink plus $752,008 to cover the installation of a microwave wifi internet connection so that the Resident could keep tabs on the progress at stud of his prize bull back in Crawford. "I would be thankful that Ainnojoke is finally connected to the Internet but I still can't see nuthin on the Commodore 64 I hooked up to it," said a dejected Mayor Blumrose. [by Alfredo and Marinara Soss, 13 O'Clock Spaghetti Cable Installers]
BUSH CLAIMS HE SERVED ON SWIFT BOATS TOO
(KENNYBUNGHOLE, MAINEMAN) Resident Bush today released a statement designed to counter derogatory ads aired by a group called Swift Fishing Boat Veterans for Truth Or Whatever. In it Bush claims that he served with distinction on swift fishing boats during the Vietnam era, specifically his dad's cigarette boat. "While it isn't exactly set up for fishing, damn, it sure was swift,” said Bush in a hastily called press conference. “In fact it was faster than anything the Coast Guard had and we always used to out run them with these packages we ferried up from the Bahamas.”
Reginald Brixton from the Yale chapter of the Swift Fishing Boat Veterans for Truth Or Whatever, countered the the Resident's statement, saying "I don't know what he's thinking, but cigarette boats didn't even exist in the years of Vietnam. Those weren't around here much until Miami Vice made them popular in the early 80's. All our group is saying is that we never saw him out fishing back then, but now that he brings it up, I would like to know what was in those packages from the Bahamas he's talking about." Bush refused to answer but in turn said that the attack ads were a Democratic plot to call attention to his lack of service to the country during Vietnam and called for John Kerry to stop questioning his record during the lost years before he found Jesus. [by Sam N. Phillet, 13 Fishy Odor investigator]
AL-SISTANI GO IN NAJAF(NAJAF, IRAQ) After what seemed like forever, the standoff between "Coalition" forces and insurgents in this Iraqi city is over. The militia led by Shiite cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr will lay down their arms sometime next week, "or eventually," according to a spokesman for the militia. The big break came when al-Sadr got a surprise visit from Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani. After just three hours of negotiations in a small house in Najaf, al-Sistani negotiated the peace no one else had been able to secure. Full terms are not yet available at press time, but an unnamed source inside the militia camp informs us that the al-Sadr emerged from the meeting with a six-album contract and complete artistic control, and in exchange al-Sistani gets his very own theocracy. More on this story as information becomes available. [By Bill al-Smith, 13 O'Clock Undercover Reporter]
POWER RECORDS TO OPEN MORE STORES IN IRAQ
(ALLAH-MUSIQ ALLAH-TYM, IRAQ) Power Records says it plans to open a second store next month in Fallujah after the runaway success of it's first store in downtown Baghdad. The well known bricks and mortar music retailer has been hard hit in the US due to the rise of music downloading over the Internet and has been seeking new channels to market.
"Iraq was perfect because nobody has Internet connections there. Or computers. Or even
electricity most days." said Power Records spokesperson, C. D. Burns. "However, we found that with the right product, we can serve the market quite well." Burns was referring to the number one selling CD in the store by militant cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr, Al-Sadr's Lonely Hearts Club Band, and other hot recording artists like Osama and the Fatwas. "Plus we've found we can sell various accessories to the same music lovers. When we say bricks and mortar, we really mean bricks of C4 and 81mm mortar rounds. They fly off the shelves around here!"
At the Republican convention, the expansion of the chain is expected to be pointed out by Resident Bush as the real reason why he invaded Iraq, since he can't find any other success story to point to. [by Drummond Base. 13 O'Clock Beat Beat]
SCHWARZENEGGER-SPEAK HIT OF CONVENTION(NEW YORK, NY) California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger took the stage at the Republican Convention last week and wowed the crowd with a stellar performance of what has become known in political circles as "Schwarzenegger-Speak."
"Are you talking to me," he repeatedly asked the cheering crowd that greeted him. "Because I do not see anyone else here," he said with a menacing tone in his voice, much to the delight of the republicans in attendance. "Never ask me about my business again," shouted the Governor to the now-quieting crowd. "Do you feel lucky, punks? Well? Do you?" One of the Governor's handlers scampered to the podium and whispered in Schwarzenegger's ear, but seemed to be chased away a moment later. The Governor continued. "It's alive!," he yelled, the crowd now clearly mesmerized by the brilliant performance. "Cut me, Mick! I can't see! You gotta cut me!," he said, clearly referring to his tax plan for the coming fiscal year. "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers," sighed the Governor, showing the softer, gentler side of the party. Finally, Schwarzenegger stomped his jack-boots together, saluted, rotated his head counter-clockwise and shouted "#$&@ YOU, PRIEST!!" The crowd came to their feet, stomping, cheering and shouting, "Schwarzenegger! Schwarzenegger! Schwarzenegger!" This will forever be known as the moment the torch was passed, the night he gave his "Other people's movie lines" speech, in which he didn't say a damned thing and it didn't seem to matter, proving he had become a real Republican. Asked for a comment on the hugeness of the occasion, Schwarzenegger said "What can I say that I haven't already said? I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore." [By Cannister Crowley, on loan from CNN.]
"LUCKY CHRISTY" COMES DOWN IN S. AFRICA
(JOHANNESBURG, SOUTH AFRICA) Christy McKenzie will never forget her 11,500 foot dive into the jaws of death today, but that's because "Lucky McKenzie," as she's now being called, is alive to remember it. It all began with her daily skydive, a ritual that has until now been as routine as jumping out of an airplane can be. But when it was time to pull the ripcord, the parachute did not deploy. The well trained skydiver instinctively reached for her backup ripcord, but pulling it only caused the Chatty Cathy doll someone had placed there as a prank to say "I love you, mommy." Trying to keep her cool as the ground loomed closer, Lucky McKenzie fired the emergency retro-rockets in her boots, only to feel sudden searing pain as the rockets malfunctioned and set her feet aflame. Thinking fast, remembering every moment of her training, Lucky McKenzie realized she was screwed and began doing what all humans eventually come down to: flapping her arms pitifully until she hit power lines and then cartwheeled into a field of soft sod. Miraculously, at this hour, Lucky McKenzie is in stable condition at a local Johannesburg hospital.
"It's really quite the miracle," says Cliff Sparrow, president of the Carletonville chapter of the Dive On a Dime budget sky diving club. "Usually there's no doubt about it; they're fully dead before we even find the crater. Hitting those power lines, that's what must have saved her."
Asked to verify reports that Ms. McKenzie had actually escaped with nothing more than slight injuries to her pelvic region, Sparrow couldn't be certain. "I suppose we won't know that until they get up there and retrieve her pelvic region from the power lines," he said, visibly shaken. "Or find her black box recorder. Then we'll get some answers around here." [By Roman Candelaria, 13 O'Clock Eye In The Sky]
MEMBERS OF ROCK GROUP KISS SEEN DINING IN TRENDY BISTRO
Santa Monica (AP) - Two members of the '70s rock band KISS were spied at AsiaAndes, one of the hottest new bistros in the Los Angeles area, despite rumors of protracted acrimony among the musicians. Bassist Gene Simmons and guitarist Ace Frehley, best known for their black-and-white kabuki-style makeup and tabloidworthy lifestyles, sipped frou-frou drinks, including Pink Stiffies, and chowed down on pricy sauteed bambu du jour and sprouts amandine. "We're just catching up on old times, old friends," said Gene Simmons, 75, as he motioned the waiter for another drink. "I think all that hate and greed and stuff are behind us," chimed in Frehley, 84.
Surprised onlookers and erstwhile fans were turned away when they asked for autographs. "Those guys are pretty rude, but that's why we like them," said Cathy Hebron of Torrance. Her husband, Ed, who claims to have every KISS album and CD, added, "They look like they put on a heck of a lot of weight. If it weren't for the makeup, I don't think we would have recognized them."
The band, which had hits in the 1970s that included "I Wanna Rock And Roll All Night" topped the charts and were major concert draws to legions of young KISS fanatics. During the 1980s, the band underwent various personnel changes, weathered breakups, and saw Simmons make a detour into acting in several movies. KISS is currently on the Dinosaurs And Fossils Of Rock tour, which will travel to 37 US cities this summer. [By Ferd S. d'Wuhrd, 13 O'Clock Paleontologist]
SEARCH FOR SPEAKERS WIDENS(NEW YORK CITY, NY) The Republican Convention is being shortened to two days due to a lack of speakers, according to Republican National Committee Chairman, Ed "Daffy" Gillespie. "We're working on it," Gillespie said in a telephone interview from Madison Square Garden this weekend, "but it's been a challenge. Either Karl Rove doesn't want them on the podium, like your Rice's and your Rumsfeld's, or they don't want to be photographed anywhere near a Bush/Cheney banner. As it stands I have Zell Miller speaking three times." The decision to shorten the convention was a particularly difficult one for Gillespie and his group, who briefly considered moving the convention to Washington, D.C. instead. "We could have our pick of speakers if we did it in Washington," said a frustrated Gillespie, "but it was just too late to change venues." That decision meant that dozens of potential GOP speakers would remain untapped, as leaving the D.C. area would cause their ankle bracelets to set off alarms at various police stations, violating terms of their paroles. "I did get Howie Mandel for Tuesday night, but I had to tell him we're the democrats," confessed Gillespie. "This is off the record, right?" [By Hannah T. Colmes, 13 O'Clock Elephant Watch]
ARMY CORP OF ENGINEERS IN RACE TO SAVE BIG EASY(NEW ORLEANS, LA) With one disaster narrowly averted, another force 5 hurricane is whirling dangerously close to New Orleans, a city that most scientists and engineers agree would be destroyed by a direct hit. The problem is the many levees around the city. The giant wave that a force 5 hurricane would throw off the Mississippi river and over the city would leave it under sixteen feet of water. Water that could not wash back into the river, according to Army Corps of Engineers spokesman, Lt. Kenny Tredwell.
"Are you kidding me," asked Tredwell? "Have you seen the dumb ass design of that stinking city? What do they want me to do about it, huh?" After several years and many perfectly sensible evacuation plans, as well as multiple evacuation drill failures, Tredwell has changed his entire plan of attack, presenting a new series of designs to the city council.
"Well now I know we didn't pay no never mind to the drills, or to the real evacuation orders either, but this is carrying things a bit far," says resident Bubba Hobbs. "We don't even understand this one plan of his, this 'Glass Bottom Boat French Quarter Tour' plan.
"It's not tasteless," insists Tredwell. "It's isn't like we're not going to get rid of the millions of bodies first or something. And hey, they won't evacuate and that water won't either, so let's be American about this and turn a damned profit, huh?" Meanwhile, Hurricane Satchmo is beginning to gather strength in the Bahamas. [By Jannah Storm, 13 O'Clock Lifeguard]
ELI MANNING: CAREER IN JEOPARDY?
(NEW YORK, NY) Prized as the first pick in the 2004 NFL draft, calm and collected through a draft week controversy and, more recently, a quarterback controversy here in New York that could have put him in the starting role, Eli Manning appeared to be one cool customer.
What a crashing disappointment.
After two superb pre-season performances, so good that many felt the kid could become one of the best to ever play the game, Manning took the field against the Jets and made mistakes. He threw interceptions, fumbled the ball and missed receivers. He had a bad day.
We asked Giants coach Tom Coughlin if the team had immediate plans to either trade or waive Manning.
"It was just one game," Coughlin said, his voice barely hiding the rage he obviously felt toward Manning for having a bad day. "What's wrong with you people? He's a kid! He's just learning the system and he had a bad day!" Coughlin slammed the podium with his fist, clearly upset that his multi-million dollar quarterback made so many silly mistakes and had such a bad day. But some of the blame for the 17-10 loss lies squarely on the shoulders of Coughlin himself, for he left the clearly talentless Manning in to flail away pointlessly when he had Kurt Warner waiting on the bench.
"What the hell are you talking about," Coughlin screamed, clearly out of control with rage after seeing his young quarterback look foolish in front of the entire New York press corps. "It's PRE-SEASON! We're trying out young players at many positions! What the hell do you people want from me?" Coughlin turned and kicked his foot through the drywall behind him, obviously wishing it was Eli Manning's sorry, talentless ass instead.
And just what is it "we" want from Coughlin, and Manning, and Warner, and all the athletes who play in New York. Do we want unbeatable machines? Do we want superhumans? Or do we really want exactly what Eli Manning gave us in this, what is likely to be the final game of his storied non-career? Do we want mistakes we can exploit for dramatic effect? And if so, what kind of scum does that make the typical New York sports writer? Of course, those are simply rhetorical questions. The real issue here is Eli Manning stunk up the field, made mistakes, and had a bad day. Bad Eli! Bad! [By Buck McGoughokuky, on loan from The New York Daily Microscope's Sports Dept.]
A sampling of recommended programming for those too cheap to buy a TV Guide and too ludite to figure out how to get this information from the cable box.
TV LISTINGS
[Monday, 1:00 PM - CBS: "Middle Earth, 00000."] Arwen and Gimli begin a dangerous affair right under Aragorn's nose; Samwise refuses to be blackmailed by Pippin; Gandalf learns he has only six months to live. 60 min, but may seem considerably longer.[Monday, 7:00 PM - Golf Network: "Fore! The Mini-Series."] Part 1: Young Frizzy gets a set of golf clubs for his 12th birthday and his life begins to change in strange and rewarding ways. Included: Friz discovers he's not awkward around girls as long as his club's in his hand. 2 hours.
[Monday, 8:00 - ABC: "China Beach Blanket Bingo."] Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello team up again to fight the Viet Nam war. Moondoggie slams into a mine in the harbor while surfing and can't remember whether he's married. Annette is put in a tiger cage by the Viet Cong and forced to sing "Sukiyaki." 60 min.
[Tuesday, 2:00 PM, NIK: Free Willy Wonka.] The lunatic chocolate king (Gene Wilder reprises his movie role) loses all his money and moves to San Diego. Penniless, he's forced to wear a mock killer whale outfit and swim at down-on-its-luck FishWorld. Willy loses a bet to his boss (Fred Willard) and is forced to eat raw fish from a bucket. 30 min.
[Tuesday, 6:00 PM - PBS: "Masterpiece Theater."] Hallmark presents "The Making of The Swiftboat Veterans For Truth 60-Second Mini-Movie" The heartwarming story of a man with a dream and a whole lot of Republican dollars at his disposal. The first installment finds the young man struggling to decide between a career writing for soap operas and attempting to use his fiction to influence a presidential election. 2 hours.
[Tuesday, 7:00 PM - Golf Network: "Fore! The Mini-Series."] Part 2: Frizzy finds that golf opens many doors and allows him to skate through high school as long as he is the star of the golf team. Included: The pain of Friz's parents' divorce is eased through diligent practice at the driving range. 2 hours.
[Tuesday, 8:00 PM - Al-Jizzinyureera Network: "Achmed’s Jalopy"] Debut: Iraq’s version of Monster Garage debuts with a show detailing how to build a luxury two wheeled cart out of a bombed out Mercedes. Host Achmed Chalabi. 30 min.
[Tuesday, 8:00 PM - CBS: "I Love Courtney."] After yet another written warning from the boss, Ricky (Ricky Martin) tells Courtney (Courtney Love) he doesn't want to see her down at the pharmacy. Whitney Houston guest stars as Courtney's wayward sister, Ida Lee. (30 min.)
[Wednesday, 10:00 AM - Animal Planet: "Madame Curious George."] A female primate researcher (Judy Tenuta) discovers radioactivity while monkeys fling poop around the lab, then decides to sell glowing rocks to tourists. Special guests: Carol Channing, Pee-Wee Herman. 30 min.
[Wednesday, 7:00 PM - Golf Network: "Fore! The Mini-Series."] Part 3: In a very special episode, Frizzy goes off to college and discovers the world of country clubs, which spells the end to the previously inseparable friendship of Frizzy and Izzy. Included: Izzy calls Frizzy an anti-Semite. Frizzy fights the pain with a bucket of balls. 2 hours.
[Wednesday, 8:00 PM - ABC: "Penny Lane Bryant."] A one-time goddess of 1960s Carnaby Street (Kirstie Alley) wakes up one morning to find she now weighs 500 lbs. Meanwhile, her meddling ex-mother-in-law (Rhea Perlman) moves in, along with her 25 ferrets. 30 min.
[Wednesday, 10:30 PM - ESPN2: "Celebrity Solitaire."] Celebs play solitaire for charity. First up: Sally Struthers. 4 hours. ESPN2 plans to announce that the game may run into overtime and the network will stay with the action.
[Thursday, 8:45 AM - Outdoor Canada Network: "Leave It To Cleaver"] Team coverage of the annual beaver harvest, live from Saskatchewan. 8 hours.
[Thursday, 4:45 PM - Outdoor Canada Network: "Hose Down"] Team coverage of the annual beaver harvest cleanup, live from Saskatchewan. 15 min.
[Thursday, 7:00 PM - Golf Network: "Fore! The Mini-Series."] Part 4: Izzy needs a transfusion to save his life, and only Frizzy has his rare blood type, but Frizzy has to travel to his first pro tourney. Frizzy must make the most important and agonizing decision of his life. Included: Frizzy must miss Izzy's funeral when he makes the cut and has to stay on to play in the next round. 2 hours.
[Thursday, 7:30 PM - Bravo: "Victoria Falls Church."] Premiere: African students arrive in Falls Church, Virginia, and discover that the only movie the townspeople have ever seen is "The Gods Must Be Crazy"--and they believe it's a documentary. N'damo and Biff get locked in Constable Ronnie's trunk with a goat. 60 min.
[Thursday, 8:00 PM - NBC: "Pals."] Debut: Six pals hang out and have laughs in their various apartments and a Krispy Kreme in a glamorous section of Los Angeles they shouldn't be able to afford. In the series opener, actor Jeffy's long-running TV series has been canceled and the Pals desperately try to find things to fill the void in his schedule. Veronica is annoying. 30 min.
[Friday, 3:00 PM - FOX: "The Harry Sprainer Show."] Today's topic: once promising politicians who threw it all away for cheap sex and jobs hosting sleazy daytime talk shows. Included: Oprah Obama Huffington of So You Think You Got It Rough?; Newt Gingrich of the WWF Talk Hour; Teddy Kennedy of the NBC sitcom, A Bridge Too Far; G. Gordon Liddy of You're Already Dead with G. Gordon Liddy; and Al Gore, who has no show. 43 min. (FOX will run 13 minutes over to carry the entire fist fight between Gore and Gingrich.)
[Friday, 7:00 PM - Golf Network: "Fore! The Mini-Series."] Part 5: In the finale, Frizzy has grown old and lost his touch for the game. His trophies are cold comfort and he misses Izzy. Included: Frizzy needs a transfusion and only Izzy's grandson has his rare blood type, but the guards won't let him through the gate of the exclusive country club where Frizzy lives. Dabney Coleman guest stars as Satan. 2 hours.
[Friday, 11:00 PM - BIO: "Made For TV Movie: Muhammed Ali Baba & The Forty Thieves."] Boxing great Muhammad Ali (Chris Rock) teams up with desert criminals (Jason Alexander, Ricky Schroeder) to steal gold and jewels from Bedouins. Includes simulated fights with Ali. 90 min.
[Saturday, 8:00 AM - MTV: "Pimp My Bride."] Rapper Pymp N. Styk and the gang from The Strip help newlyweds navigate the rough waters of the today's economy. This week: Ray's tired, drug-addicted bride gets a back-alley makeover and attitude adjustment. (30 min.)
[Saturday, 9:00 AM - ESPN 64: Curling ] We promise we'll find something else for you to watch.
[Saturday, 9:00 AM - TLOT (Turner Low-Overhead Theater): "Plan 12 From Outer Space."] We promised we'd find something else. The 3rd sequel to Ed Wood's terrible sci-fi disaster, "Plan 9 From Outer Space," does have one thing going for it: It's not curling.
[Saturday, 12:00 PM - ESPN 63: "Tasmanian Rules Knifing."] Live from Burnie, Tasmania, it's the 115th annual championship round of Tasmanian Rules Knifing. The Hobart Hellions are heavily favored over the Lilydale Lynchpins after all but one of the Lynchpins were brutally slaughtered in the division final against the Piper's Brook Sociopaths last week. With Hobart fielding a full team of 15 armed and dangerous men, it could be curtains early for the sole surviving Lynchpin, Derrek "The Bleeder" Kuruvita. ESPN 63 may break away if the finish lf the Pan Am Bowling Classic is exciting.
[Saturday, 10 PM - DIY: "This Old House Of Wax."] Master carpenter Norm Abrams stars in a new series about renovating a house owned by Vincent Price. This episode: While replacing the main staircase, Norm discovers that some of his tools mysteriously vanish. 60 min.
[Sunday, 9:00 AM - CCCHN (Christian Credit Card Holder's Network): "Burnin' Hurts, with Rev. Brocolly Schells."] Rev. Schells tells you why you're going to hell if you don't yada yada yada. 90 min.
[Sunday, 5:30 PM - NBC: "Greatest 'Up Close & Personal' Features Of The Olympic Games."] A look back at our looks back on the lives of the athletes that were looking forward to competing at the Athens Olympic Games. Featured: The heartwarming story of Triathlete Pammi Prinnelli's week-long bout with the flu in 1991... and the long road back to gold. (4 hours. More if the ratings hold.)
[Sunday, 9:00 PM - TBN: "Tales Of The FBI"] This week Biff Christian, the two-fisted Director of the Faith Based Initiative, is faced with his toughest assignment - David Koresh has raised himself from the dead and applied for an FBI grant to provide counseling for teenage virgins. Should he roll out the program to the entire nation or just keep it at the state level? 60 min, Black & White only.
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Here's a hint: You can't. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.