MISTAKEN ULTIMATUM FORCES ISRAELI-PLO NEGOTIATIONS
Ariel Sharon and Yasir Arafat finally got down to face-to-face negotiations thanks to a strongly worded ultimatum from Resident George Bush. Unfortunately the ultimatum was meant for Bud Selig and Donald Fehr of major league baseball, where the labor impasse has been much on Bush's mind ever since the strike date was set two weeks ago. The tersely worded ultimatum: "You guys had better put your boots on and get back to the talks or else I'm going to call Guido," was mistakenly routed to the State Department instead of the Labor Department by a part-time summer intern, Christina Pentecosta. When reached for comment she said was in a "such a rush" to get to her Tuesday afternoon Bible study class that she must have filed the papers in the wrong envelope. "The fact that these two are finally talking is great news of course," said Residential spokesperson Ari Fleischer, adding "It's nice to see a bald-faced threat work instead of all the bribery to both sides that we were considering." As far as the new direction the Sharon-Arafat negotiations are actually taking, Fleischer said, "the Resident has been busy shooting prairie dogs on his ranch and voiced no opinion, and we'd appreciate none of you telling Sharon and Arafat they got the wrong note, now that they are actually talking." Fleischer refused to answer who Guido was or what happened to the message originally intended for the Middle East leaders. [By Bullwinkle Bilgewater in Warshington]
BASEBALL NEGOTIATORS THANK BUSH FOR WINDFALLBaseball owners and players released a triumphant statement saying they reached agreement on their labor dispute, heading off a possible season-ending strike by the players. "We have George Bush to thank for this," said Commissioner Bud Selig. A beaming Donald Fehr, the Players Rep, chimed in saying "that $12 billion in government bonds that Bush deposited into both the commission's and the union's bank accounts really saved the day. Now no owners are going to lose money this year and the extra cash left over will be divided equally among all the players." He later added, "We are a little puzzled about the delivery of all those F-16's and Abrahms tanks though, and we can't imagine why he wants us to build new camps with modern housing all the way over in the Middle East. Spring training is months off!" [By Biff Sportshack in Mudville]
BUSH STRIKES OUT AT BRITISH LORD
Lord Phlegm-Whooping of Frumpington, England on a visit to the Western White House with his family was hit on the nose by Resident Bush near the end of his visit. Bush later apologized, saying he thought Phlegm-Whooping "called him something dirty." The Lord himself, appearing with a bandage over his swollen nose, told the press it was all a misunderstanding that he was merely trying to compliment Bush's hospitality by calling him very "avuncular." The blueblooded noble said, "I had no idea he would take this as something derogatory." Bush, who was in earshot of this last comment, nearly attacked him again but calmed down after aides told him the Lord was not making a derogatory comment at this time, just talking about the possibility of making one. Apparently the staff responsible for translating the Lord's words into Texan was left back at the White House and not brought on vacation with him. [By Joe-Bob Trusspresser in Dallas]
ABDUCTIONS REACH EPIDEMIC PROPORTIONS: HUMAN INDIFFERENCE
HEIRESS LATEST VICTIMLOS ANGELES, CA - It's been 24 minutes since anyone has seen or heard from Hildegarde Mariweather-Sloan-Kneekeeper (of the Pawtucket Sloan-Kneekeepers), and from the grim expressions on the faces of police officers, FBI agents and family members, one can only surmise that everyone is expecting the worst. The heiress's mother is set to go on national television in just a few minutes to plead with the kidnapper, or kidnappers, for the safe return of her daughter. The downcast atmosphere stems from the fact that even though it has now been close to half an hour, no ransom note has been delivered. Our 13 O'Clock News Spy In The Sky helicopter is vying for airspace with choppers from the three major television networks, seven top radio stations and MTV. Swat teams are just now moving into position in case the perpetrators return to the scene of the crime. We're being told that due to the hysteria surrounding this latest abduction, the Dow Jones will remain closed tomorrow. What effect that will have on the nation's economy is anybody's guess. Just now the military's Blue Angels did a fly-by overhead, breaking the sound barrier, the thunderous sonic boom a warning to the kidnapper, or, as I say, kidnappers, that they aren't dealing with amateurs here. They have made a grave error.
Moments ago, the red Ferrari belonging to Hildegarde Mariweather-Sloan-Kneekeeper pulled into the driveway and the heiress exited the vehicle carrying a Slurpee. The swat team immediately hustled her away from the car and opened fire on the vehicle, but apparently no one was inside. It seems Miss Mariweather-Sloan-Kneekeeper was simply thirsty. And so after 38 minutes this nightmare has ended for all involved, but one look into the faces of the wary police officers reminds us of what they know all too well: it's only a matter of time until the next crisis. [By Eslo Nusday, 13 O'Clock News Crisis Team]
CALIFORNIA BEARS ADDICTED TO DRUGSA recent study has revealed that wild California Black Bears who live close to new subdivisions and raid garbage cans are not really interested in the food they find in the cans. "At first we couldn't understand why these bears kept coming back even after we had the local residents set up ultrasonic noisemakers, strong wooden fences and lock the garbage cans in sheet metal sheds," said Animal Control Officer Buford Halfhitch. "It seems like they are just asking to get shot and taken back to places more remote. "Officers tag them all and have seen that some of these bears have been back twenty times." The new Wildlife Relocation Program Head, "Wild Anysley" Hophead, steadfastly maintains it has nothing to do with the "cocktail" loads, a combination of Codeine, PCP, Tylenol and Ecstasy, he had park rangers put in their hypo-darts starting this summer. [By Leslie Looseleaf in Sacramental]
THIS MONTH'S SIGNPOST ON THE ROAD TO ARMAGEDDON:
The Clash's "London Calling" used as the soundtrack for a liquor commercial
HAVA JAVA? BIG DOINGS IN COFFEELANDSEATTLE, WA - They took coffee from an afterthought to an art form and from the stovetop to every mall and grocery store in the free world. In the past few years, they've even managed to have their espresso carts placed in high school hallways, with the full blessings of administrators and politicians. Now, Spacebus Coffee has sold out to the highest bidder, and that bidder is the L.I. Willy Pharmaceutical Corporation.
"Of course, I'm concerned," said a high school principal who wishes to remain anonymous because, according to her, she could be fired for rocking a very lucrative boat. "Just look at the new menu and you tell me there's nothing to be concerned about," Principal X said while jabbing a finger at a printout of the new L.I. Spacebus menu. "Neurontin Sodas? PhenoPhrappuccino? Carbonated Lithium Carbonate with Ice? Methadone Mocha?! Oh! How about Clonazepam Cappuccino? I mean my GOD, each shot of Clonazepam is the equivalent of twenty Valium and we've got these carts in our high schools!"
"There's very little to worry about," said L.I. Spacebus' new chairman, Walter "Speedy" Washurmann, "because we do have the little warning sticker on the bottom of the menu way back behind the employees, and it does say 'there are drugs in these delicious drinks' or words to that effect, so we're covered." It was a brief press conference with those the only words spoken before Washurmann was hustled out of the room.
While many in the communities are up in arms over this issue, teachers are singing a different tune. "I say leave the carts right where they are," says Martha Kimble, a calculus teacher at Unpleasant Valley High. "Usually I have a room full of vacuous stares, but ever since L.I. Willy bought Spacebus, I've got wide-eyed kids raring to go." Kimble fights back tears as she says "A.D.D. is a thing of the past in our school. Of course the aggression is a bit unnerving, but life is full of little trade-offs."
Indeed, injuries due to physical confrontations at Unpleasant Valley High are up 407% since the L.I. Willy takeover. While gang-like activity is down, individual violent acts continue to occur on an hourly basis, the sound of gunfire now just a part of the daily routine at the school. L.I. Spacebus has promised to become a community leader, beginning with the problems at the school, which it intends to combat by offering free Carbonated Lithium Carbonate with Ice drinks before first bell every morning. "Hey, it'll cost us a bit," says Willy spokesman Thomas "Speedy" Ryan, "but it'll mellow the brats out, and besides, you know how it's always worked. First taste is free, right? They'll be payin' four bucks for another one at lunch." With marketing strategies like that, we don't have to tell you where your stock dollars should go. [By Geoff E. Bean, 13 O'Clock News speed freak.]
DRUG COMPANY ACCUSED OF CREATING HIS AND HER HERMAPHRODITES
EAST PLAINVILLE, MS - Thousands of local residents have filed a class action lawsuit suit against Rise Up, Inc., a direct mail fulfillment house, for a recent error of gargantuan proportions. It seems that the shipping department mismanaged the database of customers and sent "Penis Enlargement" pills to the women on the list, while the men received "Bigger Breasts In Thirty Days" tablets. As both products are packaged and shipped in a generic looking container to protect the privacy of the customers, no one was aware of the mix-up until several hundred of the local men started to grow huge, bouncing breasts. A follow-up investigation collected affidavits from four hundred and thirty-eight women who had sprouted penises ranging from five to eleven inches in length. One woman, who refused to give her name, was livid when she described the attitude of the customer service department at Rise Up: "I told them they made a horrible mistake and they wouldn’t listen to me at all. When I asked to speak to a supervisor they told me to go fuck myself! I mean, that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? I can!" Lawyers for Rise Up are not commenting publicly pending the outcome of the hearings. [By Wanda-Joe Rupaul in East Plains, Missterissippi]
SPORTS SECTION
COWBOYS RELEASE INJURY-PRONE JESUS
SAN ANTONIO, TX - After a dismal showing in the first quarter of the Dallas Cowboys' pre-season game against the New England Patriots, injury-plagued quarterback Jesus Christ was released without fanfare on Monday morning. Trainer Rip Buffley was reached by telephone this afternoon and confirmed rumors that the player and diety's problems actually started two weeks ago, in the first scrimmage of the season (pictured at left).
"He was injured on the second play and we didn't get him back out of the hydrotub until the third quarter," snorted Buffley. "Then he tripped over his own sandals dropping back to pass on his first play back and he was out for another few series. He got one more play, took a light hit from some rookie half his size and that was that."
The biggest problem, according to quarterback coach Dart Rifel, was stubbornness. "He simply refused to wear pads. You can't play at this level without pads. He took a hell of a beating. It's like he had a martyr complex or something."
The move leaves Dallas with only two untested rookies and an aging journeyman to contend for the quarterback position. "That's what hurts the most," sighed Rifel, his disappointment plain for all to see. "You draft a quarterback with your first pick like that, you expect him to be the savior." But the highly touted rookie from Holy Cross was anything but, managing to complete only one pass in four attempts, that for a loss of two yards.
The 13 O'Clock News was unable to find Christ, but his agent has released a statement that says, in part, that his client understands the nature of the business, but hasn't quite forgiven management yet. "He's pissed, there's no question," said Cash Bidwell of Touchdown & Hat Trick Management, "but it's not the end of the world. I just got off the phone with the owner of the Saints, who said there would always be a place for Jesus there."
Indeed, it would seem a strange move by the QB-poor Cowboys. "Everybody wants this kid," laughed Bidwell, adding with shrugged shoulders "I mean who else throws the Hail Mary like JC?" [By Frank "Grassy" Knowles, 13 O'Clock News Dallas office.]
FINANCIAL SECTION
FED CHAIRMAN HAILS TV SHOW
Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan, in testimony before the House Ways and Means Committee, has stated that the only growth industry in the entire economy for the last six months has been the breast enlargement sector of healthcare. "Our models show that the need for more breast enlargement has been supported solely by The Man Show's need for more full busted women each new season." The resulting inflow of cash to breast implanters has provided the economy with the basic lift it needs. Greenspan also noted that brassiere sales increase, along with new dresses, right on down the line. When pressed for more information by several congressmen, the Chairman happily produced several of the models he said displayed the best economic stimuli. The congressmen were duly impressed and then subpoenaed all the models for further testimony in private session. [By Jonkyu Public in Washingdown]
ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
REALITY "I C ME T V" A HIT
NEW YORK CITY, NY - Media giant AOL Time Warner has fought the battle against cable theft for years without much success. In addition, it has faced increased competition from network broadcasting channels, which have had a resurgence in popularity with wildly successful "reality" programming. Now, with one brilliant stroke, the nation's largest cable provider has solved both problems. Sources at the company have confirmed that Time Warner has been flooding the market with advertisements for illegal cable descramblers, using Internet pop-up ads, auction sites like eBay and even thinly veiled classified ads in weekly newspapers. In reality, the "descramblers" are actually "web cams" which transmit images of the box owners back to the broadcasting center, in effect providing free programming to the network. "It's brilliant!" says Bert Freen, Director of Programming, "we're screwing the cable thieves just like we screw our own customers! I mean, we're actually getting these 'actors' to pay us, if you think about it!" Indeed, the company has realized over eleven million dollars in sales of the infamous "black box," with a bonus of thousands of web cam feeds available to choose from for rebroadcast. But what about the quality of the "shows" they are reselling to legitimate consumers? "Well, you know how fickle people are," says Freen, "they just want more, more, more! So far it's mostly variations on a theme, but hey, that's television in a nutshell! We have a large variety of Beer Drinkers Scratching Their Balls channels, and they're getting small ratings. Housewives Looking Confused isn't so popular either. But I'd say that Angry Guys Kicking The Television and Teenage Boys Jerking Off Anyway Because They Think They See Porn are breakout hits!" [By Frank Tokk, 13 O'Clock News Delicate Subjects Specialist]
THE REAL REASON WHY IT'S MORALLY WRONG
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Producers of the American Idol television program, already dodging horrific reviews ("You suck!" screams The Los Angeles Times) are now scrambling for cover after a report detailing the heritage of runner-up Justin Guarini was leaked to the press. Although the show promoted Justin as a "clean living teenager from the Midwestern United States," it turns out he was cloned in a laboratory in Las Vegas, Nevada. Adding insult to injury, it was a cloning accident. "We were trying to duplicate Carrot Top so the poor bastard could have a breather from his busy schedule" said Dr. William Board of The Magic Institute, "but we accidentally mixed up his DNA with some tissue from Greg Brady!" Initially the combination of dandelion hair and a goofy "Up With People" personality seemed a fatal combination for survival in today's fast paced world. "Then we happened to catch this show" added Dr. Board, "and realized that he's exactly what America deserves. So we entered him in the competition!" Brian Dunkleman and Ryan Seacrest, the program's hosts, were not impressed. "I've got great hair" stated Dunkleman, while Seacrest added, "why are we talking about Justin? Look at my pouting, puffy lips!" [By Phoebe Homia, 13 O'Clock News Closet Case]
SEQUELS OF SEQUEL LEAVE AUDIENCES BAFFLED
HOLLYWOOD, CA - Moviegoers looking for value this weekend should avoid the ticket window for the new Tim Burton feature film and just keep on walking. There is nothing redeeming or entertaining about the faux-sequel, Planet Of The Irritatingly Independent And Disinterested Cats. Burton's gone too far this time, presenting a story about a space traveler lost in the cosmos who crash-lands on a planet inhabited by a race of cats who basically spend the entire film sleeping or grooming themselves. There are no chases, no plot devices, no conflicts, no allegories. Nothing. Burton designed the sets himself using an Etch-a-Sketch "to achieve a sense of minimalism that would appeal to a feline population." The results are grey, black, dismal and boring, even to the cats who mostly nap while the humans ride past them on horseback. Further evidence of Burton's slide into the abyss can be found on the soundtrack. Longtime cohort Danny Elfman was not contracted for this film. Instead, much to everyone's shock, Jenna Elfman (Dharma & Greg) was hired. "I said "Tim, I don't know anything about this stuff," Elfman giggled in a recent interview. "He didn't seem to care, so I just played my favorite records in the studio and they recorded it." In later interviews Burton seemed surprised to learn of the Jenna/Danny switch and kept checking his palm pilot, ultimately becoming distracted by the colors. Planet Of The Irritatingly Independent And Disinterested Cats opened last week and earned a disappointing $4,012 over the weekend.
In the same weekend, Woody Allen's film, "Return To The Planet Of The Apes Because In Hindsite I Think That Hot Little Blonde Number Was Coming On To Me And Who Knows When The Next Opportunity Like That Will Come Up?" brought in $414,000, proving once again that about as many people are still concerned about Woody and Soon Yi as remember Chappaquidick. Coincidentally, Ted Kennedy has a cameo as a drunken ape. According to Allen's publicist, there is no truth to the rumor that Kennedy simply stumbled onto the sound stage and wouldn't leave, forcing the crew to film around him. Ultimately, Allen's film suffers from too many sight gags and "anxiety jokes" to be truly enjoyable.
The best bet for your weekend movie money is How Tight Are My Sandals, a film from India that is filled with whimsey, suspense, surprises, and subtitles that guarantee only the most annoyingly pretentious of your co-workers will see it so he or she can appear more cultured than you during discussions of film around the water cooler. Fear not. When he/she mentions what an enigma the character who represented darkness was, you'll be able to counter with "The blonde in the Woody flick had nice tits." [By Ferdorico Ferdorini, 13 O'Clock Film Critic]
TWO DAY WEATHER FORECAST
Breathe.
Again.
Don't be afraid. Not out here, away from the factories.
Notice the sky is pink and blue, as it should be.
Let's go up and take a look at the two day forecast, my friends.You're still earthbound. You don't understand the ways of the Shaman, do you? Close your eyes and come with me. Close your eyes and join hands and lift your spirits toward th... Yes, that's it, you can open your eyes now, and if you look just down and to your left you'll see light clouds moving in from the east. Nothing to worry about there, so tomorrow's gonna be awesome, man. Awesome. But what's back there, behind it? Come on, let's go check it out. Yes, I thought so. Black. Black clouds, pregnant with percipitation and bad intentions, on a collision course with your Saturday morning tee-time, my friends. Hydroplaning tires, soaking wet clothing, danger... danger from the skies. Let's return because this is freaking me out. Let's return. Return home.
So there you have it. Clear tomorrow, turning to rain by the weekend. Button up and drive safely. [By A. Sid Brown, 13 O'Clock News Weather Freak.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. And if you can, we'd like your e-mail address, please. Just send it to ImTotallyDenseSoSellMyAddressToSpammersPlease@cosmik.com and we'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.