OSAMA BIN-LADEN CONVERTS TO CHRISTIANITY
(BHAT-KAAV, KANTSTANDASTRAIN) Citing the awesome display of American firepower in Afghanistan and Iraq, plus the masterful handling of the rebuilding efforts in those places which has destroyed the discontent that used to provide him recruits, Osama Bin-Laden today gave up the leadership of Al-Qaeda, renounced terrorism and offered himself up for baptism as a Christian. Citing nearly two years of contemplation in his cave, he claimed that it was obvious that Allah no longer favored him.
When reached for comment Televangelista Jerry Falwell said, "Bin-Landen's just addicted to fame. He feels forgotten and this is a desperate act of grandstanding to get back into the news again."
The portly minister later took the statement back and instead took credit for Bin Laden’s conversion when it was revealed that it was accomplished by Falwell’s own covert missionary group, the Christian International Apostles, also known as the CIA. The main tactic of the elite evangelical force was to play music by Jars Of Clay, Third Day and The Osmonds at high volume into every cave in Afghanistan for the last nine months, figuring that sooner or later they would drive him into the arms of Christ. “This will rank with the conversion of Saint Paul on the road to Las Vegas, I mean, Damascus,” said Falwell. [Buddy Christ, 13 O’Clock Epiphany Expert]
ANOTHER SEX SCANDAL-LESS MONTH GOES BY(WASHINGTON, D.C.) - A bored and restless American population went unsatisfied for yet another month as no White House sex scandals were reported in the press in August, keeping Resident Bush's record while in office perfect.
"Perfectly dull," opined Randy Wilhelm Horst, head of one of the country's largest newspaper cartels. "We've sent some of the sexiest chicks we can find into that place as interns, we've trained them like they were [expletive deleted] geishas, for Chrissakes, and still nothing! We've got papers to sell!"
A White House intern, speaking on condition of anonymity, told us of her Oval Office ordeal. In keeping with her wishes, she will be referred to in this article as "No Throat."
"It began with casual glances across the office when I'd bring in papers for him to sign," said the pretty intern, "a gentle, accidental brush of thigh in a crowded hallway, any number of things like that. But it was all me. He didn't even get hard." Reduced to tears, Ms. Throat contemplated where things went wrong. "I did the pillow on the back thing. I don't know. I just don't know..."
Oddly enough, nobody else in the administration attempted to take advantage of the sexy intern with the pillow on her back, either. In fact, nobody seemed to notice her at all. "Limp. All of them, all the time. Except when they watched the war on Fox News," noted Ms. Throat. "Something about all that shelling. Then it was stiff city in there. A jousting match in every corridor. Creepy, huh?"
In an unrelated story, the police were summoned to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue for the 28th time this year when Laura Bush once again accidentally fired a grenade launcher into a room adjacent to the Presidential Bedroom Suite. No explanation was given for the incident. [Donna Lewinsky, 13 O'Clock Scandal Watch]
EVIL ROBOT SHUTS DOWN NEW YORK
(PHUSEBOX, OHIO) Spokespersons for the Phusebox Power Company, suspected of causing the Great East Coast Blackout Of 2003, say their investigations have turned up the real cause of the calamitous power failure, an evil robot.
Plagued by efforts to unionize its workers, the company investigators said that apparently the city government had contracted Ohio’s maddest mad inventor, Rotwang, to solve their labor problems. Rotwang disguised his robot to look just like the girlfriend of the Mayor's son, and sent it down into Phusebox’s underground city of the workers to sow discord.
Citing pictures supposedly taken by security cameras, officials claimed the robot went berserk in the main dynamo room of Phusebox, destroying the great Heart Machine and causing a cascade of failures that resulted in millions of gallons of melted ice cream flowing through the streets all over the Eastern seaboard.
Independent investigators scoff at PPC’s evil robot story. Instead they point to the company’s vintage transformers, which were hand wound by Thomas Edison in 1913 and have never been replaced in spite of years of power rate hikes. Apparently the system was placed under too much strain by 58 people who came to Phusebox to attend the annual Lower Lake Erie Stamp Collecting Convention and who all tried to order the Spice Channel in their hotel rooms at the same time. [Holly Toledo, 13 O’Clock Company Line Conditioner]
REPUBLICAN REDISTRICTING PLAN FOILED
(NUFFSAID, IRAQ) Sources on the Iraq Reconstruction Committee today claimed success in thwarting a plan that threatened to hand back control of Iraq to the units of the Old Republican Guard. Basically the plan called for gerrymandering the various provinces of Iraq so that the Saddam Republicans might regain control of the Iraqi Parliament by reducing the various Shia Muslim districts to a two square mile area near the end of the main runway of Basra International Airport.
Shia leaders affected by the plan decided to deny the Republicans a quorum thus preventing a vote on the redistricting plan. They left the country and flew all the way the city of Turban in Iran. So far the plan has worked brilliantly, although some of the leaders have now decided that they like life better outside Iraq. Many moved on to some of Russia's resorts on the Caspian sea, where they at least have vodka if not running water and electric power stays on at least ten or eleven hours a day instead of three hours every fourth Tuesday.
When they realized that they could not retake Iraq by any legal means, angry Republican Guards spilled into the streets for a round of looting, mosque bombing and target practice on American Humvees. [ Howie Kohmtudis, 13 O'Clock Commission on Reconstructing the Reconstruction Commission Correspondent]
MISSING CRIME BOSS FOUND IN YOUR BASEMENT LOCAL NEWS
(YOUR TOWN) - The decades-old mystery of Jimmy Hoffa's fate has finally been solved today as police were summoned to your basement on an anonymous tip, most likely from the neighbors across the street that you have that ongoing battle with. Amongst the random trash, haphazardly strewn clothing and boxes of Swedish pornography police found a mummified arm and a complete skull. Dental records confirmed the identity of the body as that of the long missing Teamsters leader and organized crime figure. "You tell your reader surrendering to us would be da best ting," said Detective Vito "The Fish" Garbanzo, "cuz you don't wanna know what'd happen if da mob got 'em foist." As of this hour, you're still at large, but charges are being filed in Superior Court, including murder, conspiracy to commit murder, improper storage of a corpse and several unpleasant charges involving some of that porn, you sick fuck. [Tony "The Worm" Lasagna, 13 O'Clock Informant]
MAN ATTEMPTS TO TIVO DAUGHTERS WEDDING
(TAMPA, FLORIDA) - Dennis Morris became persona-non-daughta last week when he set his priorities with his daughters wedding just below the Buccaneers football game against the New York Jets. In what Morris now admits was a bad move, he attempted to set his TiVo to record the wedding while he watched the game live. "I guess it was pretty dumb, considering the damned wedding wasn't even on TV," confessed a chagrined Morris. "Plus, it turns out weddings are pretty important to girls for some reason, so Cammie's mad as hell." Asked if he felt bad about his actions, Morris quickly answered in the affirmative. "I mean, hell," grumbled the 52 year old welder, "The Bucs played crappy football all 60 minutes. It was really hard to watch. If I had it to do over again I'd have watched the Dolphins game." [Dandy Dullard Gifford, 13 O'Clock Gridiron Speshulist]
CHINESE SET FOR MOON SHOT SCIENCE & ENVIRONMENT DEPARTMENT
(XIANXIXXKQXION, CHINA) - More than 30 years since America quit caring about "the space race," it seems a new player is strapping a helmet on and getting into the game. China is pouring a great deal of money into a space program designed to send astronauts first to the moon and then, in the near future, to Mars. Meanwhile, NASA continues to fly in lazy circles around the Earth while politicians attempt to cut off funding to the Space Station now that the big money has already been spent and the goals are attainable. The question now is will China's entry into the Space business spark a new sense of urgency and usher in a new era of American pride.
Boldly springing into action, Resident Bush has ordered a study to find out if there is oil on the moon and/or Mars. "I'm betting there's oil on the moon and it's the perfect place for drilling," said the drooling Texan, "because there aren't any damn caribou to worry about." Sensing the disturbed reaction of the attendees at the $492,000.99 per plate fundraiser at which he was speaking, Bush deftly tossed in a Republican Smoothie to make amends. "Can we get another tax break to pay for sending up a bunch a wildcatters to explore there," he asked no one in particular. "I sure as hell don't want to see a bunch of Chinese oil derricks when I look up at the next full moon!"
If oil is the determining factor, as it seems to be in all Bush administration endeavors, and the studies show a grim prospect, at least China won't need to build a wall on the lunar surface, which many astronomers speculate would have been visible from Earth. [Buzz Strongarm, 13 O'Clock Bitter Scientists Dept]
EPA TO GO AFTER EARTH LIBERATION FORCE
AS A MAJOR SOURCE OF POLLUTION(PINE BARREN, NEW JERKY) In her last act as EPA Chief Christy Todd Whitman promised that the EPA will vigorously pursue all polluters, starting with the Earth Liberation Force. "These idiots have taken arson in defense of the earth to a ridiculous extreme," said Whitman. "They hate the SUV as conspicuously wasting Earth's resources and polluting the air, so how do they protest this? They destroyed several Hummers at a dealership in Southern California BY BURNING THEM." Whitman further claimed that Hummers are one of the worst sources of chemical pollutants known to man when they burn, so it’s crazy to incinerate them short of throwing them whole hog-hummer into a 2500 degree blast furnace. "Just ask any Saddam Loyalist in Iraq, these things are bad news when they catch fire," continued Whitman, "but burning these to save the Earth makes about as much sense as murdering doctors to prevent the murder of abortion, or having an office of Environmental Protection that does nothing but give speeches about pollution and doesn't actually have anybody in the field cleaning up th..."
At this point Whitman’s tenure in the EPA abruptly ended. [Patty Wagon, 13 O’Clock Sanity Chequer]
UMPIRES FINALLY HAVE COMPANY SPORTS SECTION
(NEW YORK, NY) - Baseball's first blind pitcher made his Major League debut for the New York Yankees Saturday night with a two inning perfect performance, striking out all six batters he faced but did not see. It seems Ramon Santiago Diego Alajandro Cortez, who throws a baseball over 100 miles per hour but has no idea what he'll hit, scares the hell out of his opposition. So much so that they become preoccupied with survival and swing meekly at any motion by Cortez. Protests are being filed by several clubs, but so far all complaints about the blind pitcher have fallen on dumb commissioner Bud Selig's deaf ears. When asked if this didn't seem like simply one more unfair advantage for the Yankees, team owner George Steinbrenner claimed to see no evil. [Dean Bean, 13 O'Clock chin musicologist]
BEN AND JEN TO TRY AGAIN ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT
(TIJUANADANCE, MEXICO) Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, on the run from film industry creditors after the disastrous opening of their movie, Gigli, have proposed a new film they hope will make it up to everyone.
Entitled Mallrats Of The Caribbean, it will be directed by Ben's longtime friend Kevin Smith. Starring Affleck and J-Lo, the story is about a handsome Navy pilot who gets assigned to Puerto Rico for target practice. On his first liberty he visits a mall in San Juan where he finds a host of crazy but loveable Latino characters, played by Paul Rodriguez, Salma Hyack and Edward James Olmos. He also finds a beautiful girl who is working at a Hot-Dog-On-A-Stick in the mall. He’s transfixed by her lovely rump while she is preparing the lemonade and of course falls madly in love with her. She falls in love with him too, but she is conflicted because she’s been protesting the Navy's bombing of Puerto Rico's Vieques Island with her crazy friends. Their love runs afoul of a bumbling, potty-mouthed Naval Security Officer played by Jason Mewes, who tries to have the pilot bomb his newfound friends, and then the fun begins.
"It's got love and political conflict galore," said Affleck when reached at his Mexican hideout, "we’re betting it’ll be bigger than Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back." [Art I. Fishel, Oily Film Cleanup Team]
THE FOLLOWING IS A PLAID ADVERTISEMENTHey, good lookin', someone has a crush on you. Possibly a Russian mail order bride who wants to come to America where she'll be free to copy DVDs, operate tiny digital cameras, lose weight while sleeping or eating pizza or getting high legally. One thing's certain, though, she's gonna take one look at that tiny prick of yours and just laaaaugh and laugh and laugh, unless you do something to add up to three inches in just weeks. Then nobody will be laughing anymore. You'll be brimming with confidence. The kind of confidence that'll allow you to make up to $5,000 per week working at home, which is where you'll want to be because you and your now-huge penis have work to do and a hopefully beautiful Russian mail order bride to do it with, and if you get too burned out to do it anymore we can arrange to have Viagra and a whole range of other drugs delivered to your doorstep. We'd tell you more, but your Internet activities are being recorded. Don't worry, we'll help you with that, too. Shhh. More later. We'll contact you, if you'd like. Actually, we'll contact you either way.
Sincerely,
the EMSA (E-Mail Spammers of America)
"MOSTLY DARK" WEATHER REPORT
Hello everyone, it's good to be back from my... vacation, bringing you the weather once again. I'd like to start by apologizing for my less than professional performance in past months. All I can tell you is it won't happen again. Okay, let's get started. Summer's coming to an end, which means this sweltering heat is going bye bye. I'm sure you won't miss it too much. Am I right? Huh? At least not now, though you Florida residents might be looking back on the heat fondly when you're holding onto a freaking palm tree for dear life during the Goddamned hurricane season. And you New Yorkers...Bitch bitch bitch when 4 feet of snow dumps on you in a few months, I guarantee. Daylight savings time will switch again and it'll be dark AND cold, and you people will start sending me mail saying "Syd! Fix the weather for us! Make it better!" Like I'm God or something!! I'm not even a meteorologist, you morons, I'm an out of work actor!! I needed this stinking job so bad I did awful things with my mouth that I still have nightmares about in order to get it, and what thanks do I get?! I get suspended without pay and forced into rehab. Why?! "Because Syd, man, your acid freakouts are scaring the readers! We need you to be well!" THEN GIVE ME BACK MY ACID, YOU BASTARDS!!! IT'S COLD AND DARK AND BORING AND I NEED COLORS!!! YOU WANT THE WEATHER??! STORMY!!! REALLY STORMY!!!
But hey, it's good to be back, and again, I apologize for my earlier behavior. It's going to be a whole new ballgame from here on in, folks. Thanks for all those cards and letters. All... two of them. Until next time, remember: Always... No, Never... I forget. I'll just see you next time. [A. Syd Brown, 13 O'Clock Weather Critter]
A line from a new
car commercial says
"Welcome to the State
of Independence where
all cars are turbo-charged"
Any summer in the Land Of The Lawyers sees a plethora of frivolous lawsuits but this summer featured three especially noxious ones. It seems some companies want to corner common words and phrases solely for the benefit of their little commercial concern. THE IT’S NO JOKE SECTION
The first was over the use of the word "Spike" by a new male-oriented cable channel formerly known as TNN. Director Spike Lee brought the suit as if the word was his alone. Hasn't he ever heard of Spike Jonz? Maybe the family of Spike Jones, the great comic bandleader of the 40’s and 50’s should sue them all.
Nearly as obnoxious was a suit where Abercrombie & Fitch was suing American Eagle Outfitters over the use of the number "22" in fashion design. A&F claimed the number was theirs, which is awkward for all of us at that age, traveling that speed or just trying to get through the day after the twenty-first.
The suit that took the cake though was Fox News suing Al Franken for using the phrase "Fair And Balanced" on the cover of his new book. Fox claimed it had trademarked the phrase because it was the only fair and balanced journalism available anywhere. AS IF!
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.