PRESIDENT NEARLY MEETS WITH SHEEHAN
(CRAWFORD, TEXAS) President George W. Bush gave his handlers a scare this morning when he came within seconds of accidentally meeting with Cindy Sheehan, the woman who has been holding vigil a mile from his ranch in Crawford and demanding Bush meet with her and explain what her son died for in Iraq. Apparently, the president heard a news item about the protest on television, and due to his short attention span, in his mind it became "Cindy Crawford wants to meet George Bush." He was out the door and on his bike, peddling toward the protestors before anyone at the ranch knew what happened. Special Agent Block Chinowski, the president's personal bodyguard whenever he's on vacation in Crawford, put out the alert over walkie talkie, saying the words all Secret Servicemen dread: "My Pet Goat has jumped the fence. Again." Thanks to some nifty sharpshooting from a helicopter and the quick acting tranquilizer delivered by the dart, the meeting between Bush and Sheehan never materialized. "It was way too close," says Chinowski. "He was within a dozen yards of that woman. They had one chance to get that dart in there and bring the big bozo down. Damned good thing they did, too. Otherwise, he very well might have met with her and answered her questions, and democracy as we know it would be destroyed." [By Joan, Johnny and Broderick Crawford, 13 O'Clock Crawford Bureau]
NEW FUNDRAISER BOARD GAME HITS THE MARKET(LANALANGLEY, VA) It was revealed earlier this week that the Central Intelligence Agency has been ordered to tighten its belt over the last couple years, prompting it to try a novel approach to fundraising. Apparently their traditional selling of secondhand secrets to other foreign spies to raise money just isn't working like it used to because of a lack of competing superpowers.
"We thought of doing bake sales, car washes and smuggling cocaine again, but that's so Iran-Contra," said John Q. Smith, CIA SpokesSpook. "We need something for the 21st Century."
The CIA's solution is to sell a new board game called Where In The World Is Osama Bin Laden? Players start the game at Ground Zero in New York City and then chase clues, which take them to exotic locations all over the world, where they detain and interrogate locals, raid suspect houses and avoid angry locals and local law enforcement, only to have all their findings ignored by politicians. The object of the game is to go public and get royalties for the best seller you write based on your exploits before you are ratted out. If you actually capture Bin Laden it's worth a $3 million advance. The first player to reach $5 million wins.
"Our B.O.B. (Black Operating Budget) has been going down due to our deficit spending, so of course it's primarily to raise money," Smith said, "but it's also to teach geography, torture tactics and generally raise awareness that Osama's still out there after more than 1,400 days on the run. That's more time than America took to fight all of World War Two!" [by Clem Destin, 13 O'Clock Intelligence Analysis Analyst]
FOX ANNOUNCES PLAN FOR 24HR POKEMON CHANNEL
(NOOSEKORP, NEW SOUTH WHALES) The Fox Network has announced plans to start a new 24 hour channel devoted entirely to the Japanese animated series Pokemon, replacing its Fox News Channel, starting in January 2006. Fox Chairman Rupert Murdoch made the apparently wacky move in response to the rumored loss of a secret government subsidy that was used to support Fox's propaganda operations, or so said Phil T. Lucre, a professional corporate leaker. "Yeah, it all came like from da office of a certain Vice President, see, an' it used to be in da range of several million large, but dem boys in black cars wid all the ariels, dey kinda ran outta money and can't pay it no more."
The loss of the subsidy is only part of the story however. Our crack 13 O'Clock investigative team has also learned that the move to replace the propaganda mill with Pokemon was not exactly what the media mogul wanted. "Actually Moidoch, he wanted a 24 hour poker channel, because dat's like what everyone's watching now," said Lucre, "but he wuz negotiating with a Jap producer who didn't speak English good like I do, but den Moidoch's an Aussie and he don't speak it good neither. So anyway dis producer he thought Fox wanted the Pokemon show back, not professional poker tournaments, and Moidoch, well he signed before he realized he wasn't gettin no poker!"
Fox press releases remain upbeat however, trusting that saturation 24 hour programming will not only win over the hearts of a new generation of kids to Pokemon, but will be a way to sell tons of Pokemon merchandise as well. Fox plans to cash in by marketing new series of Pokemon cards, videos and role playing games to late night shut-ins, drunken singles and other impulse buyers. [by Ash Ketchum, 13 O'Clock Pikachu Trainer]
WAVE OF WITHCRAFT SWEEPS THE NATION(NEW SALEM, KANSAS) It comes as no surprise to anyone that strange events have been occurring all over the nation this month. Some of the more extreme occurrences include frogs raining from the sky, reporters actually asking questions of the Presidential press secretary and strange apparitions appearing inside schools and homes. Authorities now say the events are definitely linked to the release of the latest Harry Potter book.
"Apparently kids have always been trying out the incantations that they read Harry, Hermione and other characters invoking," explains noted witchcraft expert Morgana O'Cult, "but this is the first time we've actually seen any of it working!" Miss O'Cult said this in front of a hastily convened press conference this week, but as soon as she said it, her lips suddenly changed into a zipper which ended her talk, whereupon she inflated to balloon-like proportions and floated away from the assembled media. When reached for comment fundamentalist leaders acted genuinely surprised. "Who knew we were right about the Potter books promoting witchcraft?" said a bemused Pat Robertson. "I was just playing that for donations!"
Later police arrested Ms. O'Cult's daughter and also brought in J.K. Rowling for questioning. The author revealed that she used new sources for the latest instance of the Harry Potter series. "There was this really dusty old book I found by Cthulu somebody which had a lot of really interesting incantations in it," Rowling admitted. "I kinda lifted a few parts of it for the book, but I didn't think it would hurt anybody." Rowling is expected to appear in Lower Court, in the Fourth Circle District of Hell on Monday for trial on charges of spellcasting without Satanic permission and plagiarism. [by Beelzebubba, 13 O'Clock Dark Artist]
MUSIC INDUSTRY CLAMPS DOWN AGAIN
(LOS ANGELES, CA) The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA), in conjunction with ASCAP and BMI, the world's largest performing rights organizations, has launched a new offensive against unauthorized use of recorded songs, attacking those who sing, whistle, or hum copyrighted songs.
"You see flagrant violation of copyright everyday," says Seymour Nosonos, VP of Listener Persecution at RIAA. "Millions, and perhaps billions of dollars in royalties are being sapped as people blissfully sing songs without logging their activities and sending in quarterly royalty payments."
He cited examples of people waiting for elevators, whistling the chorus to the Eagles' "Hotel California," or motorists pounding their fists on the steering wheel and making mock-guitar sounds to mimic the Surfaris' "Wipeout."
"We've seen this, and not a one of these violators had a pen or sheet to log their song usage, which is in clear violation of current law," said Nosonos, with obvious disdain in his voice. "They'd might as well be draining the blood out of newborn babies, these evil, thieving people." Nosonos said that they are looking into the phenomenon of song-sharing, where one person will be singing and another will join in. "This is a true threat to musicians and their livelihoods," Nosonos explained, "and people have to understand that every time a note comes out of their mouths, they're taking food out of the mouths of musicians."
An awareness campaign, entitled "Have You Paid For That Tune, Scofflaw?" was unveiled with the subtext "You'll Sing A Different Tune When You're Doing Hard Time." Officials at ASCAP and BMI say that posters will be distributed to schools, bars, and offices to remind people that they don't own the songs they're singing or whistling, so they'd better pay up or be ready to face prosecution. [By Pesca Tunapiano, 13 O'Clock File Sharing Clerk]
TEXAS UNEMPLOYEMENT DOWN(CINDYCRAWFORD, TX) Resident Bush this week took credit for dramatically reduced unemployment figures here in his home state. "August was a great month for finding work around here," he said," I don't know who they're working for, but I know I and my fellow ranchers didn't have any special brush clearing projects or anything. All I know is unemployment is down and with all the climbing gas prices, that's good!"
An answer to the low unemployment mystery came from Senator Gabriel "Gabby" Nukem, who attributed it to the high numbers of "professional protesters" flooding the area of the Residential Ranch during August. "This points the way to a whole new base for our economy," declared Nukem, who promised a continuing stream of objectionable legislation and bogus expeditions to hostile lands to keep the protesters' numbers high. "These guys have really contributed to the local businesses, especially the camping outfitters," he continued. When asked who was paying them to protest, Nukem protested, "Everyone knows all them liberals drive around in limousines. They must be payin' themselves!" [by Anita Jobb 13 O'Clock Intern]
STUDY FINDS STUDIES FIND FAULT WITH STUDIES(STUDIO CITY, CA) Three weeks after releasing a study blaming poorly tuned "low rider" cars in the Los Angeles Hispanic community for the rapid increase in global warming, the Hipshot Think Tank now says "ignore that report!" "We've just completed a new study," says Hipshot hotshot Professor Petir Nobbswatt, "and the upshot is that the old study is no longer valid. Furthermore, our findings find that fifty-five percent of all annual audits actually err terribly, so we say... what's the damned point?" Nobbswatt only echoed a growing sentiment among people once swayed by studies that found various causes of cancer and other medical menaces only to find the findings were found faulty in the following study. "This is just more evidence that studies are silly," said Jocue Puhblique, a leader in the Malibu Muslim community. Puhblique and other Muslims were infuriated by a recent Hipshot Think Tank study that found 99.999% of all terrorists featured on playing cards were likely to be Muslim. "Frankly, we got together as a community and decided to stop reading these studies cold turkey," says Puhblique. "Cut their damned funding, why not lets just?" Ironically, the Hipshot Think Tank released a study last week that found under funded think tanks were a danger to everyone, capable of starting, dousing and restarting a panic in a matter of days. But don't worry too much about that just yet. "Oh, that study was wrong, according to our new study," says Professor Nobbswatt, "and we have another one coming out next week that says the findings are actually inconclusive. And that your cat causes cancer. [By Jove, 13 O'Clock Startling Revelations Dept]
SIR JACKO? MAYBE NOT SO WACKO(CASTLE INBREDIA, U.K.) - After more than a decade of being stonewalled by Britain's Queen Elizabeth, Court TV star Michael Jackson will soon be knighted at last and become Sir Michael Jackson. Until now the queen refused to consider it on grounds that Jackson's behavior was often anything but knight-like, but in recent years her own family members have behaved in ways that easily match or rise below Jackson's most bizarre stunts. Realizing she could do worse within her own family, Her Royal Majesty decided to leave bridges unburned and knight the American. Jackson is not the first American to receive this honor, and in fact many of the previous recipients, both British and American, are now protesting, threatening to return the token "Kiss Me: I'm A Knight!" medal given to all honorees. Sir Mick Jagger has threatened to do something or other to his, though no one can really understand what he's mumbling anymore, and Sir Charles Manson has already turned his into a crude shiv. Jackson couldn't be reached for comment, as he was out shopping for a pair of dress pajamas for the gala ceremony. [By Hoopy D. Hopper, 13 O'Clock Gossip Shop]
GLOBAL WARMING SUDDENLY SPIKES(WASHINGTON DC) Scientists have reported an increase in global warming this summer. "Actually it's a very widespread local warming as if, um, uh, like there's been a sudden release of hot air all around just the US," giggled Buffy St. Vixen, a cable channel weather girl who was subbing for the vacationing NOAA weatherperson. "The heating seems to be centered around Washington and began around the time that the Karl Rove leak story broke, tee-hee!"
Other weather experts said that some heating is expected when Scott McClelland speaks on just about anything, but that his feverish assertions that the White House was waiting for the criminal investigations to conclude before disciplining anyone was releasing an unusually large amount of superheated air. This coupled with the mass distribution of leak denial talking points to every right wing talk show host in America added up to a massive heat wave. "They tell me we're like lucky that we didn't have an earthquake. There's something, I think they said the sympathetic vibration of all those people saying exactly the same thing at the same time that might be, um, dangerous or something," St. Vixen added.
In a related story the CIA is still angry over the coverup of who leaked their operative's identity during the run-up to the War In Iraq. "Mostly we're mad because we discovered someone who is more deceitful than we are." said Raoul Knotisreelnaem, a CIA operative who refused to reveal his sources. [by Bernie Carlstein and Woodie Bobward, 13 O'Clock Deep Throaters]
FRIST REALLY A GOOD GUY AFTER ALL(WASHINGTON, DC) - After years of carrying the water for the Bush Administration no matter how revolting the message, Senator Bill Frist, who is also a doctor, is saying "no more."
Dr. Frist, famous for his brilliant second opinion in the Terry Schiavo case (after the original diagnosis by the entire Republican party), broke with President Bush last month on the hot button issue of Stem Cell Research, coming out in favor of increased funding.
Speaking before a large gathering outside the Capitol Building, Dr. Frist shed his negative image and took on his new role as a true leader for the modern era.
"I just could not, in good conscience, sit silently while research ground to a halt," the Senator told the crowd. "This president promised 60 to 80 lines of stem cells would be eligible for federally funded research, but he's only delivered 21. As a good hearted man, a man of conscience and conviction, I will not rest until that number is raised dramatically."
The unselfish, civic-minded Dr. Frist laid out his plan for a radical research schedule.
"We're not shooting for 60 lines," insisted the Senator, "and we're not going to be satisfied with 80 lines. Bill Frist is going to bring you 2008 lines. That's right, friends. Bill Frist, 2008. 2008 lines of stem cells, brought to you by me. Bill Frist. So when you think of Bill Frist, think of 2008.
When asked if that number was even possible, and if there could be some danger of contamination due to mouse feeder cells from previous research, or if he may have ulterior motives for this sudden, unexpected change of direction, Frist just smiled, waved and said "Bill Frist. 2008. Got that?" [By Doc Kildare, 13 O'Clock Research Dept.]
DIEBOLD CONVERTS USED VOTING MACHINES
(FORDEDDIN, OHIO) - Diners, bowling alleys and pool halls across Ohio are sporting new juke boxes, thanks to Walden O'Dell, CEO of Diebold, makers of the electronic voting machines used extensively during the 2004 national elections. Faced with storage space issues, O'Dell had the machines converted to hi-tech jukeboxes and sold for a very reasonable price, in some cases donating them outright just to get them out of the Diebold warehouses.
"All the music is in MP3 format," said a giggling O'Dell. "Naturally, we had to wipe all the hard drives clean to make room for all this fine music."
But not everyone is singing Diebold's praises. Spanky Franklin, owner and operator of Spanky Franklin's Flapjack Factory, says the new Diebold machines are faulty.
"Push the button for the 'Cathy's Clown' by The Everlys and you get 'Altered States' by Bush," says the flustered flapjack flipper. "Push Skynyrd and it's Bush again, maybe with 'The Chemicals Between Us.' Pick Buck Owens and it's freakin' Bush again." Reminded that his jukebox was among those donated and not purchased, Franklin shrugged. "It don't do me no damned good. Nobody here even likes Bush." [By Anderson Amherst, III, 13 O'Clock Ohio Bureau]
CHINA ROLLS OUT NEW EMPLOYEE PRICING(PEEKING, CHINA) In a move to undercut competition, China has lowered prices on its employees and has sponsored an intense promotion effort at the upcoming WTO meeting entitled simply, "We're hungry and we need the work." Volume pricing now makes Chinese workers available to Western manufacturing businesses for only $8000 a dozen, which is far cheaper than the former rate of $1500 for a breeding pair. However the catch is these workers are usually around 12 or 13 and they haven't been trained for any particular job yet. In contrast Indonesia still charges $2500 for a matched pair of trained athletic shoe assemblers, while India has gone for the high profit telephone support market, supplying personnel trained in all the ways to say "that is not covered in your warranty," for as little as $10,000 a pair.
"These are veddy talented people with the highest skills in the English and the upkeep is as little as 50 pounds of saffron rice a month," beamed Harshesh Konditionas, India's Minister of Insourcing. "Chinese workers can make veddy nice Happy Meal toys, but they cannot be taking the calls like we do."
"None dare call it slavery," said Boyle D. Figures, a leading industry analyst, "so we won't." Figures prefers the term "patronage" since the manufacturers are going to have to feed clothe and house their new workers. "It's still a damn sight cheaper than American workers who want things like medical coverage, weekends and coffee breaks in addition to a living wage. Only management is supposed to get things like that!"
Meanwhile in America, the old, antiquated wage-for-work system is still in effect, but the Bush Administration is looking into the legality of Lincoln's Emancipation Act and is expected to bring a case before the new Rehnquist court next year. [By Buster Union, 13 O'Clock Labor Issues Laborer]
BUSH ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS FURIOUS OVER IRAN ELECTIONS(WASHINGTON, DC) In a speech before the Washington Press Club, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld made it perfectly clear he knew the fix was in in Iran.
"Mahmoud Ahmadinejad hasn't won a thing," said a clearly furious Rumsfeld. "That was a mock-election. Worse than a mock-election. It was a fraudulent election. I recognize, I know what, there are... I'm pretty sure he cheated."
Across town, Karl Rove echoed Rumsfeld at a meeting of the Young Republican Stormtroopers.
"There's no doubt in my mind that Ahmadinejad's people cheated," puffed the man known far and wide as Bush's Brain. "It was classic trickery. Old school stuff. Simplistic, almost like amateur hour, really, because they didn't even bother to bring in... They should have... I'm really not sure how one steals an election, but... I'll bet they did."
In Christianville, Kentucky to promote his revised Social Security package, tentatively titled "Put It All In On Red 27 And Pray," President George W. Bush made his opinion of the Iranian elections known, as well.
"We know it when we see it, believe me," said the red-faced President. "There ain't a trick we don't know, so to Mr. Ahmadinejad I simply say this: don't try to con a con. Not that I, I mean I wouldn't personally... but I do watch a lot of TV and I know about this stuff. Know how they do it. They steal elections in third world countries. Saw it on 60 Minutes or somethin'."
Suspicions were aroused when it was learned that Ahmadinejad had not only won 67% of the Iranian vote, but had carried Ohio and Florida as well. A spokesperson for Diebold, makers of the voting machines used in all Iranian and American elections, has insisted it was "just an amusing little glitch."
Vice President Dick Cheney could not be reached for comment, as he was busy eating the brains of Democrats, a never ending chore of the un-dead. [By Walden O'Dell, I mean, that is, um, Bob Smith, 13 O'Clock Statistical Analysis Dept.]
FANS AWAIT NEW HOCKEY SEASON SPORTS
(FROMAGE SUR LA TETE, QUEBEC) Fans all over Canada celebrated when it was announced that the NHL and the players had come to an agreement and there would be a season of professional hockey this year. However their joy was tempered a bit upon hearing the kinds of concessions that the players had to submit to.
Apparently the big gamble involves diversifying into more markets. The NHL is seeking grass roots support in places that were thought of as too small to support a team; 52 new teams will be organized in Canada alone, but also the NHL will go into in places where no one has ever thought about sports on artificial frozen ponds at all. Teams are now being organized in small towns like Kaneohe, Hawaii, also Aricebo, Puerto Rico and Ensenada, Mexico. The effect of all this means that teams will be smaller, but since salary caps for each team will remain at the same level, owners will be able to hire as many superstars as they like for each team, up to five.
The NHL's new five man roster is not the only change long time fans are snorting at. For example, in order to make the game more favorable to women viewers, hockey players will now be required to play shirtless, though they are still allowed helmets and shoulder pads for body checking. "We're betting women will do most of the body checking this way," said I.C. DeMeenor, owner of one the new NHL teams, the Kantscratchanitch Mosquitos. Other improvements to the game include changing the size of the puck to that of a medium pizza so that the TV cameras can follow it easier, and giving all players plastic whiffle bats instead of the traditional hockey stick to reduce injuries.
Owners think the real improvement however is that there will be cheerleaders out on the ice at all times. "We have no sidelines in hockey where the cheerleaders can perform so we signed a bunch of figure skaters to go out and liven it up a bit while play is going on," said DeMeenor. "We already signed Tonya Harding!" Under the new rules when a team scores a goal, it'll be worth an extra point if a cheerleader can also complete a double axle without the opposing team knocking her off her feet.
Sports analysts are universally warning that the owner's changes will diminish hockey's traditional fan demographic, the coveted thousands right between the wrestling fans and the curling freaks. "It's not like the same game, eh?" moaned fan Rowdy Skates to his cold Moulson. "I douwt I'll ever see a good brawl on the ice again." [by Wolfgana Puck, 13 O'Clock Ice Queen]
LIBERALS ARE F'ING UP THE WORLD COMMENTARY
The following is a set of opinions expressed by 13 O'Clock News' official military expert, General Butch E. McShynndigg, Ret*. They are his opinions alone and therefore we at 13 O'Clock News can get away with hiding behind him while he says them, and you cannot sue us. And now, please welcome General McSynndigg.
Today in Iraq, insurgents, bent on making the country safe for Stalinist communists and hip hop thugs, detonated another car bomb. In answer to your cards and letters asking how the military can go about stopping this senseless killing, I don't have a clue. The whole thing is a mystery to me, really. In fact, it gives me the willies just thinking about it, so let's move on and talk about events in Iran.
The Iranian leadership have once again thumbed their noses at the United States and moved ahead with their development of weapons of mass destruction. Obviously, a military solution is the only answer. What kind of solution? I'm sure I wouldn't know. Seems to me any invasion of Iran would be incredibly difficult. Or maybe not. Hell, it's really not my thing.
Meanwhile, in Crawford, Texas, some broad is trying to force our Commander in Chief to listen to her babble about her dead boy, and she just doesn't get that he's much too important to care about her dead boy, or her, or anyone else, and she won't clear out of his home town. Seems to me this calls for a military strike, but I'm not sure how they'd go about it. Maybe something that blows up but can be fired from far away. Hell, I don't know.
I just know that liberals are being very very very very very very very very very very very very stupid about this stuff. Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid. It's very very very annoying, and I think they should just shut the hell up.
I should like to make one more point, but in fact that is not the case. Now that I've surpassed the 250 word requirement for this piece, I just want to be paid and get to the liquor store before the damned thing closes. Until next time, remember: if you have a problem, I have a military solution. It's what I do.
[*Not so much retired as dishonorably discharged.]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. And no, you can't, because we're messin' with you. While these stories are usually inspired by something outrageous that makes us want to scream, we generally twist them around a bit to have some fun and get sarcastic as hell instead of screaming. Though you can usually find plenty of kernals of truth in an edition of the 13 O'Clock News. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.