ROUGH & TUMBLE PARTISANSHIP ON CNN(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Democrats and Republicans came to blows on the set of Crossfire yesterday over President Bush and Vice President Cheney's dual-testimony before the 9-11 Commission. The trouble started when Mary Lewis, a research fellow at Safehaven Institute, a liberal think tank, suggested the duo were thumbing their noses at the American people by insisting they testify together. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld responded by shouting "Hey, Clinton insisted on appearing together with his penis!" An angry exchange ensued, and within minutes Paul Begala had left the stage and Tucker Carlson was being treated for superficiality and wounds. The general consensus is that Ms. Lewis cleaned up the floor with the Mr. Rumsfeld. The program, which is taped, did not run but will instead be shown on Pay-Per-View next week. The producers of the show could not be reached for comment, but we did reach former president's press secretary, who pointed out that the committee said they didn't require testimony from Clinton's penis, as everyone in Washington knows it was rarely briefed. [By Monica Cox, 13 O'Clock Woodwatch]
SCALIA PROVES TRIP HAD NO INFLUENCE ON CHENEY CASE
(BATON DOUNDEHATCHES, LA) Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia today silenced critics of his recent duck hunting junket with Vice President Dick Cheney, which took place when there was a case involving Cheney before the court. "In spite of the fact that no one can judge me, I judged it was time to make an official statement in reply," said the Justice. He then released a book length refutation of the accusations, which he said had complete with transcripts of all conversations that took place about the trip and during the trip, even the conversations the pilot of Air Force 2 had had with air traffic control.
Sources close to the 13 O'Clock News managed to get a fork lift under the massive tome and deliver it to our offices. As it turns out the Justice is right. The subject of the new case never came up in the conversations on that trip, but the real proof is on page 5286 where Scalia reveals that one the payoffs for his vote on the Florida recount was yearly vacation trips with to a variety of exotic locales. This included the duck hunting trip. "Cheney doesn't come with me on all of the free vacations I get of course," Scalia confides in the book, "but he makes it to a lot of them. That time when he disappeared for weeks and everyone thought he had heart trouble? Well, he and I were on a tour of Bangkok brothels. Boy that was a couple weeks to remember, but I bet you investigators don't have the stamina to read all the way up to this page so why not admit it?"
We at the 13 O'Clock News immediately took our findings to Attorney General John Ashcroft's office. Assistant Attorney Corporal, Biff Christian reviewed it and praised our efforts saying, "we're so glad to find that the duck hunting trip had nothing to do with the current case and we can all put this conflict of interest controversy behind us. Thanks for coming!" [by William Frenchquist 13 O'Clock Supremes Fan Club Member]
LUNATIC LOOSE IN YOUR CLOSET
(CLOSET, YOUR BEDROOM) We have late breaking news that an armed lunatic has escaped from the state mental institution and is holed up in your bedroom closet waiting for you to fall asleep. Details are sketchy at the moment, but we do know that he has a history of violent crime, his weapon of choice is a hacksaw, he's got biceps the size of watermelons and you once banged his girlfriend while he was doing three months for assault. In case you're holding on to that one hope that he doesn't know you turned him in, let us remind you that you testified against him in court. He's crazy, not an amnesiac. More on this story as it develops, though you probably won't be around to read it. [Frank Lee Butcher, 13 O'Clock Deathwatch]
BUSH LAUNCHES NEW JOBS INITIATIVE(LOEWAIRE, TAXES) In a move designed to squelch persistent complaints about the loss of jobs during his administration, Resident Bush today created a new construction jobs program which he says is designed to employ at least 500,000 people. Bush promised that the new jobs would command top pay in exciting overseas locations and demand a wide variety of skill sets.
"We need people capable of building roads and repairing bridges, plus electrical contractors, landscapers and others, and to support them we need translators, air traffic controllers, bus drivers, fry cooks and comfort women, all of who can do these things in less than ideal conditions. Under fire, actually." When asked if he was really recruiting resources to help rebuild Iraq, the Resident got very defensive and shot back, "absolutely NO! These people will work in the next campaign we’re planning, which will start soon, but I can’t tell you exactly where it is."
A spokesperson for the White House later told the 13 O’Clock News that Bush couldn’t tell where it was because he always flunked geography. After hours of pestering him with withering questions and no small amount of cold Pilsner, the official later confided that the next campaign was targeted for a region "somewhere north of South Korea." All persons applying for the new positions can look forward to an exciting career, he promised, "and while we’re waiting for the new campaign to kick off, we’ll be offering plenty of on the job training in the Middle East." When questioned he also denied that this meant Iraq, but after a few more Pilsners he admitted the training was to take place in Afghanistan. Combat pay is available. [by Juana D. Boize 13 O’Clock Pilsner Puller]
BUSH PONDERS POWER OF HOLY SHIITE(SADR CITY, IRAQ) - Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr has released a statement condemning the American and British troops for what he called "really pissing me off now." al-Sadr has called for a Jihad, apparently unaware that one was already in progress. This has caused great confusion in Iraq. In Washington, D.C., President Bush faced reporters in the Puce Room of the White House to discuss al-Sadr's blunder and what advantages it might afford the coalition, if any. "I think we're gonna win big," said the President, resplendent in unzipped jeans and an Elmer Fudd T-shirt. "His people will stop following him purty soon. He screwed up. All hell breaks loose because he filed the memo on the first Jihad wrong. I mean, the guy has no clerical skills, far as I can see. And he's supposed to be their top cleric," asked the American monarch? "If I did Mr. Cheney's filing that bad, Iraq would be ALL effed up." Vice President Cheney could not be reached for comment as he was in meetings all day in the Oval Office.
FAIR PLAY NARROWLY AVERTEDPIERRE, S.D. - Heroic Republicans have uncovered a plot against the government (Republicans) by a covert agent of a domestic terrorist organization (Democratic Party). The high tech plot involved the use of a fancy piece of space age gadgetry (a PC) and a secret communications network (the Internet) that had gone undetected by Republican officials for years. The case involves an agent of the Democratic Party who, for security reasons, should remain nameles and therefore was immediately outed by right-wing columnist Robert Novak.
"It's Stephanie Herseth," said an excited Novak. "Stephanie Herseth. H-e-r-s-e-t-h. Only one in the Pierre phone book. Can't miss her. I should have her car's make and color and her schedule by tomorrow night," sputtered the Prince of Darkness. When asked where he got this information, Novak did what for him is an unnatural act: he stopped talking.
After two days of digging without learning what Ms. Herseth was being charged with, 13 O'Clock News finally met up with Jason Glodt, the executive director of the South Dakota Republican Party. Glodt spelled it out in no uncertain terms.
"Stephanie Herseth uses a magic glowing box to conjure campaign donations," whispered the incredulous Republican. "She be a witch, I tells yuh! She uses a strange incantation she calls a Blog!"
Twenty minutes and four phone calls later 13 O'Clock News was able to confirm that Stephanie Herseth, a Democratic candidate for the U.S. House of Representatives from South Dakota, does indeed have a Blog, as do candidates at all levels of politics, and she accepts campaign contributions through that Blog.
"Do not utter that word!," hissed the frightened Glodt. We spent the rest of the hour shouting "BLOG!" and making him look at our Palm Pilots because sometimes you just have to make your own fun, and it was a real friggin slow news day. [by Lou Dyte, 13 O'Clock Counter-Amish Division]
REPUBLICANS UPSET AS JOHN KERRY LABELS THEM "CROOKS"
(PINTOBEANTOWN, MA) Senator John Kerry was excoriated by Republicans after it was revealed that he had called members of the Bush Administration "crooks" in a private conversation that was recorded recently on media microphones. In a press conference Republican Media Herder Less Philling was apoplectic, saying "How dare Kerry call us crooks! In the future we insist that he desist from employing such terms in favor of words like "mendacious," "prevaricating" or "kleptocratic," because we know that after three years of our education programs, no voters will understand what he's really saying. Calling us crooks is just too easy for the average American to understand and it's not fair." [by Goldie Loxenbagelz, 13 O'Clock Resident Theasaurian]
SECURITY AGENCIES IN JEOPARDY OVER RICE TESTIMONY(NASHINGTOOTH, DC) In testimony before the Commission investigating the September 11 terrorist attacks, National Security Vizier Condoleeza Rice toughly defended her actions, asserting that even though the US Government has tens of thousands of people in huge intelligence, agencies with unlimited technological resources and unprecedented global reach, there was no way to prevent the tragedy.
When it was suggested that it was perhaps instead a question of poor leadership Rice hotly told the commission, "We are not psychics with crystal balls! That meeting about Bin Laden attacking the US was only a month before it happened, so what do you expect? We hadn't invented orange alerts yet, and as you can see, we haven't had a new attack since."
Meanwhile Resident Bush, eager to find ways of balancing the budget, heard Rice's testimony and decided unilaterally to disband all national security agencies since their efforts didn't make any difference anyway. "What the hell is our $800 billion been buying us each year?" reasoned the Resident. Pink slips are expected at Monday the CIA, The FBI, The NSA and the Homeland Security Department.
Meanwhile, the directors of these agencies are expected to play a hole card to stave off early retirement. They are sending a former CIA director that they hope will be able to talk some sense into Dubya, George H. W. Bush, the Resident's father. Bush the Elder is expected to argue that shutting the agencies would only increase unemployment figures and throw the election to the Democrats, thus reflecting the fear of unemployment back onto Dubya himself. [by William "My-Spirit-Never-Died" Casey, 13 O'Clock Spook Department]
SCOPE WIDENS IN BODY PARTS SCANDAL
(LOOSEEYELLAY, CA) Investigators are widening the scope of the investigation past the UCLA Medical School, it was revealed today at a press conference. Police spokesperson Kay Daver said the team assigned to the investigation had even found Body Parts listed in the Yellow Pages. "Names like Ford, Toyota and Chevrolet kept turning up," she said, "apparently the black market trade in body parts goes deeper and wider than we ever suspected." Indictments are pending as soon as her car gets back from the shop. [By Frank N. Stein 13 O'Clock Body Builder]
BUSH HAILS FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF IRAQ ATTACK(FRED'S AIR FORCE BASE, RIGHT NEXT TO EDWARD'S, CA) Standing in front of a huge "This Mission Will Be Accomplished." sign, Resident Bush exulted before a crowd of hand picked servicemen, all of whom had not served in Iraq yet, that the world is "so much safer, really" after the first year of American occupation. "Terrorist attacks on our troops are down to only a couple dozen a day, and that's a great improvement," said Bush, who also claimed similar success in converting Iraqi Muslims to one of 42 approved Texas Evangelical Christian ministries. "The average Iraqi can't wait to taste the freedoms we Americans enjoy, like 150 channels of reality TV shows, going to church, driving a big SUV that gets 8 miles to the gallon, and generally just having too much fun to be troubled to vote."
Bush also praised Poland on the anniversary of the invasion, saying, " We are so proud to have the services of 5 Polish divisions with us in our Coalition With The Willies, sorry our Coalition Of The Willing." Unfortunately due to an error in translation by the State Department, the mathematical definition of "division" was used by Poland instead of the military definition so they only sent 50 soldiers instead of the 50,000 that Bush was expecting. "At least they didn't run away like the Spanish," said Bush who added the Poles have been very helpful in the elite international La Trine Brigade which helps in mopping up operations after battles and other kinds of cleaning after the main force has moved on. "These guys don't take any kind of crap," he beamed, however sources inside the armed forces have confirmed that the crap actually just has to be in approved military containers before they'll take it.
Meanwhile members of Paul Wolfowicz's personal staff denied any responsibility for the "This Mission Will Be Accomplished" sign and claimed that a group of embedded pundits had misunderstood a "suggestion" made by the Residents Re-election Committee. "The sign was supposed to say 'This Mission Will Be Accomplished. Soon. Really. Just Be Patient.'" [by Phillip D. Gastanque, 13 O'Clock War Apologist]
BUSH LOWERS INCOME TAXES FOR THE POOR(EL BLANCO CASA, TX) Resident Bush in his annual State of The Internal Revenue Speech claimed success in lowering taxes for all income brackets, and for the first time he put forth numbers that say income taxes have been lowered dramatically for the working poor. "There's no flim-flam here," assured the Great Prevaricator, "these numbers have been certified by the Office of Management and Budget, the Congressional Budget Office and the General Accounting Office, we are taking in far less money from the lowest third of Americans."
Amazingly the research performed by the 13 O'Clock News confirms the Resident's claims for a change. Income levels in the lowest third of Americans, who have been hard hit by cutbacks in the telemarketing industry and the outsourcing of customer service jobs, have fallen dramatically. Since their income is smaller, they are also paying a smaller amount in income taxes, so taxes from this group has definitely fallen.
Meanwhile Democratic Candidate John Kerry has little to say on this apparent success by the Resident, saying only that all Americans should have the right to a decent job. [by M. Pathetic, 13 O'Clock Fact Chequer]
TERRORIST-TEACHERS TURN ON PAIGE
(WASHINGTON D.C.) Education secretary Rod Paige is under heavy pressure to resign after calling the National Education Association "a bunch of turban-wearin', camel-ridin', Osama-lovin' terrorists." Paige insists now that his quote was taken out of context, while the Teachers' International Terrorist Society (TITS) are pretty sure he meant bad things. Khanstan Ali-Sprats, a sweet, middle-aged teacher with twenty-four years of experience, has recently become the spokesperson for the group. Most of her press releases appear in the form of cut-and-paste letting from newspapers, in the ransom note style, making outlandish demands like workable class sizes, textbooks newer than 1972 and a decent wage, but this issue demanded a direct verbal attack from the teacher-terrorists. Ali-Sprats appeared on Meet The Press to announce that another kid would have his or her transcripts trashed every half hour until Paige was relieved of his duties. While waiting for a reply from the Bush Administration, we asked Ali-Sprats about her unusual name when we couldn't find another like it in any ethnic or religious database. "Yeah, my real name is Sue Johnson," said Ali-Sprats. "I just changed it to strike terror into the hearts of whoever is supposed to give us some fucking funding." The vicious terrorist then offered me a cup of tea because I looked cold. More on this tense situation as it develops. [by Bob Ali-Smith, 13 O'Clock Wishy Washerman]
LEADER LIST MADE PUBLIC(WASHINGTON, D.C.) After 723 Republicans went on various talk shows this week to demand that Sen. John Kerry either list which important world leaders were counting on him to beat President Bush in November or apologize for making such a claim, a list of names has surfaced. It is a list of leaders who have strong reasons to dislike President Bush and no reason to trust him. 13 O'Clock News was only able to get a sneak peek at the list, but we can tell you it includes the names Alexander Hamilton, George Washington and James Madison Jr. The list was mailed to a rival news agency anonymously. We hope to bring you the full list soon. [by Constance Sussion, 13 O'Clock Documentarian]
NEWLYWED GAYS & LESBIANS UP TO NO GOOD(SAN FRANCISCO, CA) - Less than a month after hundreds of gay and lesbian couples began getting married in this decadent city, their plan is becoming clear to the helpless heterosexual community. The institution of marriage between a man and a woman, the undisputed basic building block of civilization, is beginning to crumble. Divorce has shot up .0003% in that two week period, a statistic that spells doom for all right-thinking people, according to Anthropologist and Goldwater Quite Right Think Tank squad leader C. Howie Haights.
"One hundred and nineteen divorces filed in two weeks," says Haights, admitting that it is indeed a city of millions. "It's still the writing on the wall we knew we'd see. Our marriages mean nothing now. I slept with my secretary last week, and by God, if something isn't done soon, I'm afraid that hot little number at the 7-11 near my place may be next!" The divorce papers filed by Mrs. Haights made it 120. "This is exactly what those people were trying to do," Haights said, shaking his head sadly as he stroked my thigh.
Reached for comment at Gay & Lesbian World Domination Headquarters, G&L Shadow Government President Leticia Cheney made no bones about the plot.
"We're all married now," Cheney said happily as she stroked my thigh. "We're stronger now. We're moving in and linking up our computers, joining resources and sharing power, and with all that processing power we're going hacking."
What could possibly interest the G&L Shadow Government as a hacking target?
"Halls of records," Cheney said. "We're going to wipe out the records of every heterosexual marriage until the basic building blocks of our society crumble, because we're gays and lesbians and we're pissed off."
President Bush, who was vacationing at a National Guard base in Alabama, could not be reached for comment. [by Mia Sosure, 13 O'Clock Nobel Launderette]
SUICIDE BOMBER SURPASSES MARK(RAMADI, IRAQ) - Suicide bomber Dahraid Mohammad Anbuke was the guest of honor today at a ceremony to commemorate a unique achievement - his fifth mission for his local insurgent group. Why all the fuss? Because nobody else had ever been on more than one mission, and that makes Anbuke the King of the Suicide Bombers. "Yes, yes, that Anbuke keeps turning up like a bad dinar," said group leader [name removed from page with a sharp knife]. "Always something, yes. Once he couldn't find the target. Once he said the bomb didn't go off, so he just parked and ate with the infidels and then tried to drive home but went 90 miles the wrong way, though we caught up with him and guided him safely back. Always something." Anbuke declined to be interviewed for this article, as he seemed to be having a bad case of nerves for some reason. The party shifted scenes later in the evening, with Anbuke being asked to drive several of the party-goers to a restaurant next to the police station in town, though strangely enough all of his passengers developed food poisoning at the last moment and Anbuke drove off alone to wait for the remaining members of his party. It's been several hours, and because none of the other members of his insurgent group were ever able to make it into town to join him, there is some concern for his safety, at least on the part of this reporter. But deep down I know that the odds are in the favor of Dahraid Mohammad Anbuke, the world's most prolific suicide bomber. [By Kay Bhoom, 13 O'Clock Blonde Bombshell Dept.]
YOUR NEIGHBOR'S DOG IS ONTO YOU
(YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD, USA) - Those feelings you've been writing off as paranoia for the last few months are apparently accurate after all: your next door neighbor's dog is onto you. What started as overly frisky behavior during conversations over the fence and then escalated to what you could have sworn was hostility on the part of the hound as he tried to pull away from your neighbor and leap for your throat was brought on by the strong scent of marijuana that clings to you like Saran Wrap. It turns out the dog, adopted from a local shelter, was a police drug sniffer until it killed two suspects and had to be removed from the force. As you may have guessed that breed is known for their ability to jump, so your puny fence offers you little protection as you walk the 42 paces to your car. The news isn't all bad, however, as this proves you aren't crazy. The dog really is trying to kill you. More on this story as it becomes available. [by Sidney Vicious, 13 O'Clock K9 Division]
CHURCH AND STATE TO GET HITCHED
(DEVILSCKOMIN, VA) In his State of the Union message Resident Bush took the meaning of Union to a whole new level when he proposed spending $1.5 Billion on the defense of marriage. Later in the week it was revealed that he actually meant spending the sum on Defense, and as far as marriage part he said he was "literally proposing." As the highest representative of the State, he was asking for the hand of the Church in marriage.
The Church enthusiastically responded with a resounding, "Yes!" Unfortunately of course there is no one church in this country, so hundreds of clergy representing a wide variety of denominations were actually accepting the proposal.
Philosophy Professor Aldous C.G. Nietsche of Godless Atheist University pointed out that since the Church and the State are both officially supposed to be sexless, "technically this union must be considered a non-traditional androgynous polygamous relationship as opposed to the usual husband-wife relationship between a man and a woman." When pressed by reporters Bush later admitted, "OK, it's a multiple-partner gay relationship. We've all been secret lovers since the Reagan years and we want the public to recognize that this is a lasting, loving, long term relationship that deserves to be called marriage." Plans call for the happy partners to honeymoon in the Cayman Islands and set up tax shelters. [by E. Piphany, 13 O’Clock Ordained Minister of Information]
OHIO BANS SAME-SEX FRIENDSHIPS(UPTYTE, OHIO) Conservatives are celebrating in the streets tonight after achieving a major legislative victory in the war against same-sex marriage. Proposition 96, dubbed "Tempt Thee Not" by journalistic wags, was passed by a vast majority, making it illegal for men to maintain friendships with other men. The same law now applies to women who wish to be friends with other women. "Friendship leads to dirty thoughts," says right wing Christian leader Godfrey Creamer, "and we don't want to take no chances on makin' gay trash outta perfectly fine straight folk." Creamer, who helped lead the fight for Prop 96, will be honored at a White House dinner where President George W. Bush will make him the first of his inspirational, innovative, devilishly clever "Thousand Points of Blight." The two men will, of course, be careful not to shake hands or make eye contact during the ceremony. [H.O. Phoebe, 13 O'Cock Poof Readers Dept.]
JANET JACKSON SUPERBOWL FALLOUT CONTINUES(HYOUSEETHAT?, TX) While America reels under the impact of seeing a few more inches of uncovered skin than usual in the Superbowl half time show, the officials of the Bush Administration have taken leadership in correcting the problem. Resident Bush was first to speak on the subject, saying "I propose to Janet Jackson, I mean, I propose that Janet Jackson be banned from the airwaves for life so that young children who have obviously never seen a breast before will not be polluted by such beauty, I mean hedonistic filth." Bush however later said that it would not be right to shut the singer out of the media entirely, so he asked the FCC for new regulation that will have a loophole to allow her on Pay-Per-View.
Other Washington figures also weighed in on the Resident's National Priority One Fix The Superbowl Half time Initiative. Senate Pejorative Leader Trent Lott said he had Congressional committees looking into new rules on the strength of dance costumes. Reportedly a visibly shaking Attorney General John Ashcroft called Jackson a witch who was in league with Al Qaeda by attacking America's morals. He was allegedly going to recommended that the Justice Department seek the Burning At The Stake Penalty but retracted the statement when he was reminded that it would go against the Constitution. Ashcroft was unavailable for comment on the story as he has now left for a 30 day prayer retreat because he heard a word with the syllable "tit" in it.
Janet Jackson, for her part, apologized to all the thousands of people she offended. And then she thanked the millions of people who were asking for more, especially "all the boys in uniform overseas." CBS also apologized for the "wardrobe malfunction" and then gave Jackson a bonus for creating footage even more valuable than its hit series CSI. [by X. Poseur, 13 O'Clock Fallout Prevention Squad]
PALACE POUND HOUND BITES KNIGHT
[Princess Anne orders peasants to lay still for "attack practice"]
(LONDON, ENGLAND) Tragedy struck at Buckingham Palace today, and once again it involved Princess Anne's dog, which had yet to be destroyed or sent to the pound due to the influence of the Royal Family. Late last year the dog killed one of the Queen's beloved dogs, a Corgi, and earlier it attacked two children in a park. This time, events unfolded in full view of the British press, who had assembled to witness the knighting of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards. Richards was only receiving the honor as a matter of diplomacy after fellow Stone Mick Jagger was knighted and Richards, in the words of Stones drummer Charlie Watts, "pitched a poopy fit" because he hadn't been considered with equal respect. Sources inside the Palace say it was decided it would be better to "smack the geezer with a sword" than to put up with months of semi-verbal attacks being reported in the press. At Wednesday's ceremony, all was going well until the Princess' Bull Terrier, Dotty, charged across the chamber and viciously attacked the surprised guitarist, who was heard to yell "Aaaaar, jeezisafuuhginduggy!!" The attack was over before onlookers could do anything to help. Dotty was pronounced dead at 6:31pm. Early speculation that the dog had succumbed to alcohol poisoning were incorrect, however. An autopsy revealed that Dotty choked to death on a hard, sharp chunk of Richards' skin. According to Palace gossip, the Queen now feels Richards actually deserves his knighthood "for ridding the kingdom of a dangerous beast." As Princess Anne is still in London, nobody's quite sure what the Queen is on about. [Terry R. Walker, 13 O'Clock Canine Beat]
13 O'CLOCK ALARMING AWARDS FOR 2003
The 13 O'Clock News takes a look back at the topsy-turvey, wild and wacky, mind-numbingly upsetting year that was 2003 and hands out a huge box of our fine, hand-crafted Alarming Awards. Looks like an Oscar except it's screaming and pulling it's hair.
Best New Word:
(tie)
Embedded
Anything-nator
Funniest New Word:
Craptacular
Most Indigestible Marketing Tool For A War:
Freedom Fries
Biggest Flash In The Pan:
Nicole Richie
Job With Most Openings For Idiots Due To High Turnover:
Suicide Bomber
The Sure-I-Read-The-Bible Award:
To Howard Dean, who said his favorite book of the New Testament was "Job" (Oops, it's in the Old Testament)
Worst Feature Movie:
(Tie)
Terminator 3 - This wasn't just a recycled Terminator 2, it was regurgitated.
Gigli - Admit it Jen and Ben, it was the embarrassment that broke you up wasn't it?
The Maybe-They-Never-Listened-To-The-Lyrics-Of-My-Boy-Lollipop Award:
To all the Fundamentalists who got bent out of shape by the song "Milkshake"
The They'll Lie About Anything Award:
To the Bush Administration for vainly trying to blame the hanging of a huge but premature "Mission Accomplished" sign on the crew of the USS Independence, rather than admitting they created it themselves.
The They'll Lie About ANYTHING Award:
On Meet The Press in December Laura Bush admitted that the vapid poem she attributed to her husband in October wasn't really written by her husband at all.
The Good GOD, Isn't There ANYTHING They Won't Lie About Award:
To Dick Cheney and Halliburton for the stack of fables told in 2003 that are coming back to haunt them via investigations and suits in 2004.
The Thank God There Wasn't A New Album By Eminem Award:
Eminem.
The Worst Casting Award:
Arnold Schwarzenegger as The Governor of California.
The Worst Album That Still Went Platinum:
Limp Bizkit - Results May Vary.
Good God do they vary! But umm, you know what? Actually they don't because they always were overrated
The We-Finally-Topped-Osama-In-Civilian-Casualties Award:
To the Bush Administration. Sure they're over 500 US soldiers dead now, but there were also over 9000 innocent Iraqi men, women and children killed and who knows how many wounded too.
Most Frivolous Lawsuit:
To Fox News who sued Al Franken over the phrase "Fair And Balanced" on the cover of his book.
The Get-The-*+&^%-Outta-The-Way-We-Know-Where-Saddam-Hid-Em Award:
To the Bush Administration, who muscled aside UN inspectors and then, when they didn't find anything either, said, "Be patient, give us more time!" just like the UN guys did.
The Biggest Unsuccessful Civil Protest Award:
To the greatest peaceful protest in history last spring. Millions worldwide spoke out against Bush's rush to war in Iraq, but he did it anyway.
The Biggest Successful Civil Protest Award:
Hundreds of thousands signed petitions against a Los Angeles ordinance that would keep lap dancers six feet away from strip club patrons.
The Keep The Pentagon Budget Fat And Sassy Award:
At over a $150 billion in 2003, the winner for a second year in a row, Bush's never-ending War On Terror.
The But-I-Thought-They'd-Make-ME-Governor Award:
To Daryl Issa, who bankrolled the California Recall, only to give up when it was clear Arnold would win.
The Worst Reality Show Award:
Hell, we're not even admitting we watched any of that crap! Are you?
The Upstaged By A Fake Turkey Award:
To Hillary Clinton who visited troops last Thanksgiving and apparently inspired Bush to fly in too.
The Best Costume Award:
To Georgia Senator Zell Miller, a million years a Democrat, who turns out to be so Republican he probably gives Grover Norquist the creeps. A fantastic Dem costume so well made we never even saw the zipper until he endorsed George W. Bush for the 2004 Presidential race. Imagine.
The Rush To Judgment Award:
To Rush Limbaugh, who will probably wind up in court this year for getting his maid to buy black market Vicodin, or his money laundering, or both. That is if there is a God.
The Don't Call Us Award:
To the Telemarketing Industry, who got bitch-slapped by the National Do Not Call List.
The Most Horrifying Moment of Moronic Media Behavior Award:
Perennial idiot Geraldo Rivera, embedded with troops in the Iraqi desert during the war, crouched down and drew a map showing their location, where they were going, and said what they were going to do. Apparently they were out of time so he couldn't paint targets on all the soldiers for the folks back home to see.
The We-Want-Him-To-Be-A-Saint-Not-A-Miniseries Award:
To all the Conservatives who pressured CBS into yanking a rather innocuous miniseries on Ronald Reagan.
The Brother-We-Can't-Spare-A-Dime Award:
To the city of Seattle, who voted down a tax of a dime on their $3.50 grande espressos that would have helped fund preschool and day-care programs.
The Fuse Box Award:
To the Ohio power company that allowed a downed line that shut off power to 9 million people in the Northeast last August.
The We-Hardly-Know-You Anymore Award:
To the newly Right Dennis Miller.
The Where Are The Clowns And Elephants Award:
Goes to the circus that was the California gubanatorial election, watched by many around the world, not just America. This award prompts a sub-award...
The What The Hell Were They Yelling At Each Other Award:
To Arnold Schwarzenegger and Arianna Huffington, who monopolized the debate with simultaneous shouting, making it hard for other candidates to participate. They're not always easy to understand, so both at once? Ouch.
The You-Don't-Want-Carbs?-Try-Mass-Quantities-of-Meat Award:
To everyone on The Atkins Diet.
The Award for Years Loaded with Jolting, Rude Awakenings & Freakish Amusements:
2003. To be fair, it was the only one nominated this year, but it had a good shot no matter what.
TRIPPI GORED POST-NEW HAMPSHIRE NEWS
(SUCHARPUNSH, SOUTH CAROLINA) Angry presidential candidate Howard "AAaaaar!" Dean shook up his campaign staff after his disappointing second place finish in New Hampshire by bringing former Gore campaign chief Roy Neel in to do Joe Trippi's job. Oddly, Dean doesn't characterize the move as a "firing."
"What the hell are you talking about," asked the former Vermont governor as he shoved this reporter against a cold brick wall. "We just unhired him! We hired him long ago with the full understanding he'd be unhired right after I finished a glorious second in New Hampshire. Everything's right on #$&!ing schedule!"
Pundits are lining up to point at Dean and laugh, but the alleged candidate isn't shaken. "My near-win in New Hampshire has energized the electorate, and now that Roy Neel is on board, nothing can stop us, just like nothing stopped his last campaign, Gore/Lieberman." Rumor persist that Neel's first order of business is to convince Senator Joe Lieberman to give up his hopeless run for the presidency and accept a slot as Dean's running mate. "History can repeat itself," screamed an enthusiastic and possibly over-medicated Dean, who partied through the night for no apparent reason, boogying with campaign workers, pausing only when former Vice President Gore, whom he calls "Boss," would levitate across the room. [Judy Dandruff, 13 O'Clock Inside Political Analyst]
THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL OF TEARS(A HIGHWAY, THE EASTERN U.S.A.) In a related story, former Howard Dean campaign chief Joe Trippi has taken his family, packed up his station wagon and headed back to a home where they spent a grand total of seven days in 2003 because of his dedication to the Dean. I reached him by cell phone and asked what his plans are now that he's been ruthlessly fired, stabbed in the back by a man he thought was his friend.
"I wasn't fired, actually," add-libbed the clearly wounded Trippi, his voice full of obvious emotion I was determined to tap. "There simply wasn't room for two cooks, so I felt it would be best if I left."
But wasn't it a terrible blow to work so hard for so long and have Howard Stinking Dean tell him he wasn't good enough to so much as carry his luggage anymore, I asked?
"That never happened," insisted the desperate Trippi. "I still support Howard. We're very good friends."
Good friends don't kill their good friends' kitties and bang their wives, I quickly replied. Trippi was obviously taken aback. He tried to reply, but his voice broke as he choked back tears. I'd made him cry. I felt somehow bad and asked him to knock it off.
"I'm sorry," the little girlyman said, "it's just a bad day for me."
I was getting hot. I encouraged him to let it all go, to let me have it with both tear ducts. I was just about to hyperventilate when the cell phone connection was lost. It left me feeling empty and depressed, until I remembered I have an interview scheduled with Michael Jackson this weekend. That should be a blubberfest. So long, Joe Trippi. Thank you for the gift you've given me today. [By Cruella NorVille, on loan from mS&Mbc]
LIEBERMAN SITTING UP, TAKING NOURISHMENT ON HIS OWN
(CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE) Senator Joseph Lieberman's presidential campaign was dealt a potentially lethal blow Tuesday when he finished 5th among Democrats in the New Hampshire Primary. The Senator, who finished with 9% of the vote, remained upbeat and delusional as ever as he gave his post-primary speech to the crowd gathered at his campaign headquarters, about 14 guys who got lost looking for the Kerry rally.
"I'm not dropping out," insisted the sleepy-eyed Senator. "Why should I when I'm in a dead heat for 3rd place here in New Hampshire?"
Third place, at press time, was a battleground at the 12% level where John Edwards and Gen. Wesley Clark were duking it out with just a few votes separating them, quite a stretch up the trail from Lieberman and his 9%.
"Nobody thought I'd be able to do this, but I did, so I'm going on," shouted an obviously confused Lieberman.
It's not clear how much longer Senator Lieberman can continue before reality and campaign bills set in, but when he does drop out he won't be out of a job for long. The rumor mill brings word that Howard Dean's camp was fascinated by Lieberman's self-written "3-way tie" speech and may offer him a job. "We're running out of steam in the spin room, frankly," said Dean press rep Donna Liekit. "With the numbers falling as they are, we need all the RPM we can get." [Hope Springs, 13 O'Clock Death Watch]
PRE-NEW HAMPSHIRE NEWS
ANOTHER CARJACKING SHAKES RESIDENTS(MARS, UNIVERSE) Local residents are still buzzing today after hoodlums ripped the radio wiring from yet another NASA vehicle and drove it away, presumably to sell for parts. Though several NASA vehicles have been carjacked, this is the first in the Dry Lakebed neighborhood, a fact that has raised the five eyebrows on Bleepinia Zeedenora the 4th. "Sure, we expect that kind of tomfoolery out in the rocks, but not in Lakebed," she said, her flamoria fluttering for emphasis. "That poor little thing was trying to call its master. They must be worried sick." Ms Zeedenora the 4th is, as you may have guessed, a conspiracy theorist who believes NASA vehicles aren't manufactured here on Mars, as our government assures us, but rather on some bizarre and insignificant little planet our government uses as a prison colony for the dreaded Republican Creatures. These stories, along with tales that the Republican Creatures are now trying to escape that planet and return to us to seek vengeance, are pure fabrications and you are hereby ordered to forget you ever gave it a thought. [by Zogotol Tobo Viqxqiti8sam (department unknown, origin unknown)]
OSAMA BIN LADEN RELEASES NEW TAPE(AL JEERYA, LOWER PAKISTANDARD) A new tape, allegedly by Osama Bin Laden, has recently been broadcast by the Arabic news channel Kammedi Sen-Tray-El. The CIA has reported that the tape contains nothing but the usual threats and invective against the United States and Israel, along with a reference to the capture of Saddam Hussein in Iraq, which was apparently thrown in just to let us know that his dialysis machine hasn't broken down yet and he's still with us.
Most news services let the CIA assessment stand, but a crack independent translation team hired by the 13 O'Clock News, composed of an off-duty 7-11 employee, says there is actually much more the usual Wahabbi Wasabi there. "He's thanking the US very much for taking out his rival, Mr. Hussein who I spit on, yes," said Achmed Achmedication, who apparently thinks his adopted new name is properly Anglicized. "Osama considers your nice whole invasion a very giant training camp for his future jihadis to come. All is going according to his plan brought to him by Allah and he is effusively thanking Mr. George Bush President very much. Your Condition Orange will be no more a very bad joke, yes." [by Mortaur Fyar, 13 O'Clock Explosive Revelations Department]
TERROR THREAT THWARTED(WASHINGTON, DC) - The office of Homeland Security today announced a major victory in the war against terrorism after thwarting an apparent plot to use aircraft as bombs all over the United States.
"Our people are alert and on the job," said Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge. "Early this week, operatives began to notice a particular odor near the 747s at several airports across the country. Today, we've identified the source of the odor. It's JP-8, a combustible liquid that has somehow been hidden in 747s in large quantities."
"Large quantities" is a relative term, of course, and Ridge was pinned down with questions until he was forced to tell the chilling truth. "Each jet was loaded down with nearly 48,445 gallons of the stuff," he admitted, "which is enough to create one hell of a fireball. It's terrifying. Naturally, we're going directly to Code Red."
It is unknown just how the JP-8, or "jet fuel," as it is commonly known, was planted aboard the planes without anyone noticing, but the good news is that the plot was sniffed out before it could be hatched. As a safety measure against further tampering, all 747s in which JP-8 is discovered are being detonated remotely over Canada.
"Fool us once," said Mr. Ridge, "shame on you. Fool us twice, well, I don't think so." [Red Amberson, 13 O'Clock Alarmist]
BUSH CAMP RUNNING OUT OF CAUSES(CENTERVILLE, GA) The Bush Administration, after declaring amnesty for working illegal immigrants, advocating a new mission to the Moon, successfully getting Enron's Andrew Fastow to rat on Jeff Skilling and Kenny Boy Lay, and making other policy announcements that might have seemed out of character a few months ago, seems to be in a mad rush to moderation this election year.
"We've been centrists all along!" said a smiling Karl Rove to the assembled press, minutes after Resident Bush laid a wreath on the grave of Dr. Martin Luther King to commemorate the civil rights leader's 75th birthday. "That wreath was the most efficient use of campaign funds I've ever devised," chortled Rove. "Now we can point to it and say, 'We respect civil rights, honestly we do,' and all it took was a $25 FTD funeral arrangement!"
Obviously proud of himself, Rove talked on about how there weren't too many other traditional left wing causes he could think to start initiatives on, and how he planned to blame the Administration's future lack of progress on all the issues to obstructionist Democrats in Congress, and of course Bill Clinton's penis.
"That's how it is in the center," he beamed, "You can say things to appeal to people who wouldn't even think of voting for you before, then use those positions to sound statesmanlike in a debate next fall and yet still please your core supporters by quietly doing nothing at all."
Rove went on to say that he could say all this to the reporters because after faking the capture of Saddam Hussein in the hole where the Kurds left him for pickup, Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public are writing the Bush administration a huge blank check of belief no matter what. [by Wesley Clarke Bahr, 13 O'Clock Pool Technician, and Part-Time Pool Reporter]
LAKERS SCAM UNCOVERED(LOS ANGELES, CA) - ESPN's SportsCenter got the scoop of the season today when Los Angeles Lakers guard Gary Payton granted the network an exclusive interview during which he claimed the Lakers were attempting to sandbag the second quarter of the NBA season.
"We were doin' so good, other teams couldn't compete, so I think they paid my guys to fake injuries an' [expletive deleted]," the 9-time all-star said. "I'm all alone with four nobodies on that court every night."
While Payton's claims can't be proven, it should be noted he's not the only one thinking along these lines. Speaking on condition of anonymity, a high ranking head coach of the Lakers spelled it out for us.
"Malone's down. Shaq's down. Hell, Kobe's even faking a rape trial and a shoulder injury. It's just Payton, some college kids and a few old men out there, all so we can defy the odds and have a miraculous comeback in the second half of the season, like we've never done that before. But the joke of it is we're winning anyway."
And so the Lakers nearly lose games due to sloppy play while Gary "The Glove" Payton whines to his coach and to the press.
"What really pisses me off is that nobody asked me to fake a hamstring or something," Payton said in a moment of uncertainty. "I mean, what am I, chopped liver? I'm a superstar too!"
(PROGRAMMING NOTE: Payton will appear as a guest on Ashton Kutcher's TV series, Punked, on the 28th at 8pm. If you see him, do not tell him.) [Pistol Whip Maravich, 13 O'Clock Shot Block Jock]
POLL SUGGESTS TERRIBLE, HAPPY TIMES AHEAD(SEATTLE, WA) - Democrats and Republicans are both thrilled and terrified today after the release of a 13 O'Clock Poll. The technicalities of the poll are too difficult to explain in the space of a simple news article, but the basic facts are that 57% of Americans think George W. Bush is doing a good job as President of the United States, while 65% think he should be boxed up and mailed to a snake-infested South Pacific island. 93% said they believe everything they're told, while 7% asked us to tell the other 93% that Lee Harvey Oswald really did act alone. Only 22% believe President Bush knew Iraq wasn't building a nuclear arsenal, and the other 69% are pretty sure Iraq is in the southern part of Texas. 54% of respondents in the 18-35 demographic said they'd vote for whichever candidate would appear on Fear Factor and not "wuss out," while 43% were away getting tattoos or piercings and 3% were too busy trying not to be killed in Iraq to answer our stupid questionnaire. In the most lopsided result, 100% of all Bush Administration officials said they weren't the ones who identified Valerie Plame as a CIA operative, and 91% repeated her name many times to our pollsters. Our final question, "how will you vote on election day," drew the most interesting responses. 32% said "Bush or some other Republican," 32% said "Anyone but Bush, man," Ralph Nader said "Ralph Nader, unless Dennis Kucinich is the Democratic nominee, in which case... Naw, still Ralph Nader," 12% said "J-Lo's butt," 11% named Arnold Schwarzenneger, 7% asked if Nixon was running, 1% tagged Liberty, The Insult Comedy Dog, and 3% accidentally hung up the phone while trying to answer. The poll has a margin of error of +/- 100%, shows that some confused people answer both ways, and proves nothing. It is, however, lucrative for 13 O'Clock News' Division of Pollsters. [B.S. Polling, 13 O'Clock Numerologist]
MARS LANDER MAKES FIRST BIG DISCOVERY
(JAYPEYEL, PASADENA) Mission Specialists were in the midst of celebrating the soft landing of their new explorer robot on Mars when they noticed some strange shapes near their landing site among the initial pictures last week. "It was glinting like metal, and they were kinda cylindrical too, definitely not natural," said Buzz Hightymes, Mission Commander. "So when we finally let Rover out to play, we sent him right over to those shapes to sniff out what they were."
At first the scientists thought they had discovered ancient Martian artifacts, but when more high definition pictures came through they saw "Baghdad Arsenal" stamped clearly on the side of what they now recognized as bombs. "Then we noticed the Geiger counter was going crazy and we realized we had found Saddam's stockpile of weapons of mass destruction!" beamed Buzz. "He sure hid those puppies good!" Later he mused, "We were kinda wondering why the Bush Administration was suddenly so interested in space exploration, 'cause we know those guys could give a flying whatever about finding water up there! I just wonder how they knew to find this exact spot." [by Roger Houston DePloying, 13 O'Clock Space Cadet]
PETE ROSE INDUCTED INTO HALL OF FAME(LAS VEGGIES, NEVADA) After years of official snubs and neglect by the Baseball Commissioner, Pete Rose finally admitted that he did bet on baseball games after all, after denying it consistently for years in radio, TV and magazine interviews. "Admitting it was a desperate reverse psychology ploy to be inducted into the Hall Of Fame," said the former Charlie Hustler. It didn't work. However as a now-famous gambler, Rose has been inducted into the Gambling Hall Of Fame in Nevada, where he occupies a hallowed spot between Jimmy The Greek and William Bennett. "The stupid thing is that I really didn't bet on baseball at all," said Pete after the induction ceremony, "I just said I did because otherwise I would've had nothing interesting to say in this new book, and I've got to make some money on this bad boy to pay off some, um, bad investments." Meanwhile the Vegas line on his getting into the Baseball Hall of Fame just "rose" to 18 to 1. [by N. Syde-Balfour, Former Cricket Analyst for the BBC, Now 13 O'Clock Baseball Expert]
VIRGIN MAY BE RELAXING
(LONDON, ENGLAND) Even as the debate over flights to the United States and the use of Sky Marshals boils over around them, the young executives of Britain's Virgin Atlantic Airlines have stumbled onto a deal with their nervous pilots that will allow flights to continue. The Virgin pilots' main objection was to the prospect of the Marshals discharging their weapons inside the pressurized cabins of their planes. "It really came down to boundaries," according to VAA spokesman Buster Hyman. "The Virgin pilots were simply saying no to penetration. Depressurization isn't a thing to be trifled with. With the new solution, however, everyone's a little less tense."
A little less tense because of rubber. Rubber bullets, apparently, will not pass through the fuselage of an airplane, and that has calmed the nerves of the Virgin pilots enough for them to agree to allow the Sky Marshals on board their planes.
13 O'Clock News has learned that one demand of the pilots was dropped at the last minute. A deal was being worked out with Virgin Records to supply relaxing music for the pilots and their passengers during the flights. "That deal was doomed from the start," admits Hymen. "Virgin Atlantic doesn't know how to wire for such a thing, and Virgin Records doesn't know how to make soothing music, so it really would have been the blind leading the blind." [Dick Johnson, 13 O'Clock Sophomoric Innuendo Dept.]
HOLIDAY ORANGE ALERT FINALLY CALLED OFF
(OSTRICH, NEW PARANOIA) America's Holiday Orange alert has finally been called off by Homeland Security Director Tom Fridge. For its part, America breathed a huge sigh of relief to be free from the tension and basked in the warm prospect of another January in a nice, relaxed Condition Yellow.
Congress meanwhile subpoenaed Fridge to try to find out when we might finally return to a condition Green, or perhaps even Blue. Twelve hours later under intense questioning from Democratic lightning rod Dilbert Dipstick, Fridge admitted that the recent Orange alert was called because his aide had overheard some office workers talking about the staff getting chocolate oranges for Christmas, and he assumed the confection was a bomb made out of plastique made to look like chocolate. Fridge realized his mistake the next day but not before thousands of tons of chocolate oranges were confiscated in a preemptive strike by Delta Force. Instead of returning the oranges and calling it all off, Fridge said the Vice President ordered him to maintain the Orange alert "just in case people got more Christmas cheer than fear of a terrorist strike this year."
When he was asked again if the country might ever get to an alert status lower than yellow, Fradge first said "not until Saddam Hussein is captured," then realizing his mistake, he admitted that the country actually is permanently yellow. Later that day Resident Bush had to be talked out of firing Fridge for calling America yellow. Reportedly the gift of a case of chocolate oranges helped. [by Davide N. Konker, 13 O'Clock Color Consultant]
SPEARS MARRIES, SAYS 'OOPS!'
(LAS VEGAS, NV) The Las Vegas strip is buzzing today with gossip centering on pop's self-styled faux-innocent girl, Britney Spears after she apparently married a childhood friend Saturday and then had it annulled the same day. Family spokesman Frank Lee insists Spears was sober when she walked down the aisle of the Little White Chapel at 5:30 AM. "No, those stories are being spread by attention seekers," said a dismissive Mr. Lee, "and anyone who Knows Britney knows I'm telling the absolute truth. Again." But what about reports that she was seen falling out the window of a bar and stumbling to a limo just before the wedding? "She was simply trying to avoid being mobbed by fans near the front door," Lee explained. And the photos of her hanging out the limo's rear window, laughing hysterically as it moved quickly toward the chapel? "She was feeling too warm, and someone told a funny joke! What, you never did that?" And what about the front page photos of a topless Britney standing through the sunroof, holding an antennae between her breasts? "Look, they were having trouble with TV reception in the limo and she's a giving person! You people are such bloodsuckers!" Mr. Lee refused to answer any further questions. Details of the annulment are sketchy at this hour, but 13 O'Clock News has learned that the intended groom is no longer part of the story, as Ms. Spears, sober or not, apparently married the limo driver by mistake as he was trying to give her away. Meanwhile, in Florida, Justin Timberlake has filed papers to have his former relationship with Spears annulled and the time spent in that relationship returned to him. [by Elvis M. Pearson, 13 O'Clock Vegas Watch]
NEW YEAR ARRIVES IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING
(NEW YORK, NY) 2004 arrived today despite car bombs in Iraq, terrorist threats in America and abroad including alerts of so many colors it looked like a light show at the Fillmore circa 1967, and lingering memories of 9-11. And yet here it is: 2004, in all its suddenly un-newsworthy glory. Imagine that. Film at 11, unless the world has ended in the meantime. [Ed.Note: Film is unavailable, as nobody remembered to take any. One of our staffers shot still photos but, ironically, the flash didn't go off.]
GEPHARDT SAYS HE TOLD US SO(WASHINGTON, DC) Congressman and Democratic presidential hopeful Richard Gephardt addressed a gathering of the press today to say "I told you so!" He said it repeatedly until finally asked what it was he'd told us. It seems Mr. Gephardt wants us to know he was against NAFTA from the beginning. "I always said it was a mistake," gloated the Congressman from Missouri, "and now the other candidates are suddenly claiming they did, too. They're trying to jump on my bandwagon and rocket to my lofty, intoxicatingly close-to-nominated position of second in the polls. Or third, depending on who you poll." While Gephardt is busily telling everyone he was the wisest, Ohio Congressman and fellow presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich held his own press conference to reveal that he, in fact, was the Walrus. At press time Howard Dean was still angry and of questionable electability and Hillary Clinton was not returning phone calls. [C. Karl Howl, 13 O'Clock Roveing Reporter]
SADDAM CAPTURED, COUNTDOWN STARTED(WATCHCARTOON, DC) (From mid-December) With the capture of Saddam Hussein by U.S. Forces finally realized, the countdown has started to see how long it is before Resident Bush labels the capture an "early Christmas present." The smart money in Las Vegas expects he'll say it any moment now and has instituted a round-the-clock monitoring of the Resident's words. Las Vegas is also offering lines on the largest number of jubilant Iraqis that can be seen in any one camera shot in the media celebrating Hussein's capture. At press time the current winning number is 36.
No word yet on exactly what violations the U.S. intends to try Hussein on, since the Bush Administration's original assertions about his huge stockpile of chemical, biological, nuclear and antique ninja weapons have failed to hold up. [Arsenal Hall, 13 O'Clock Armaments Desk]
ADMINISTRATION STRATEGY TO COMBAT TERRORISM REVEALED(THINKTANK, VA) In a rare moment of candor on Beat Up The Press, Vice-Resident Dick Cheney finally let slip the Administration's thinking in invading Iraq.
"We always knew there were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and that his connection with Al Queda was pure vapor," quipped the jovial Veep, "What we really wanted to do here was to make a terrorist magnet in Iraq." Cheney further revealed that the idea was couched in reverse psychology, claiming that by giving them plenty of targets close at home, the radicals would have no need to attack the American mainland, "and besides, they'll eventually run out of ammunition trying to attack us. It's not like they have an oil well pumping out money, you know."
When others on Beat Up The Press pointed out that the terrorists' backers often do have oil wells pumping out money and that a prolonged occupation in Iraq would simply act as a gigantic training ground for future international terrorists, Cheney eloquently replied, "As if!" [N. Fallible, 13 O'Clock True Believer]
NIXON DISSED REAGAN
(SAN CLEMENTE, CA) 240 hours of previously sealed boxes containing recordings from the Richard Nixon-era oval office have been released for public screening as part of the Freedom of Information Act. Most of those hours creep by slowly with very little activity to catch the ear, but there are several interesting conversations, including several in which President Nixon made it clear he didn't care for future President Ronald Reagan. On tape TD-4272-B, he told White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman his true feelings.
Nixon: I rather like that Abbie Offman fellow we met today, but that Ron Reagan is a strange man. I don't like him. He's pushy and he thinks way too much of himself. Next thing you know he'll want his face on the quarter or something.
Haldeman: Oooooh oh oh oh oh, oh. Chinese today?
Nixon: He smells bad. Worse than Liddy. And he's strange.
Haldeman: Nyuk nyuk nyuk oh! You said strange already! You can't say it twice!
Nixon: Prunes.
Haldeman: Nyuk nyu... what? Why?
Nixon: Why what, Patricia? Oh face it, I just need mud flaps. Yeah, he was really strange when I met him.
Haldeman: Wait, who are we talking about again?
Nixon: Marlon Brando
Haldeman: I thought it was Ronald Coleman.
Nixon: HE'S strange.
Haldeman: That's Three. No... Four.
Nixon: Oh well, let's go spy on someone.
The Nixon family's spokesman, Johnnie Cochrane, insists that the voice on the tape does not belong to the deceased world leader but feels it does bear a striking resemblance to the voice of comedian Rich Little. As Cochrane was speaking, 83 angry right wing Republicans stormed the podium and beat him senseless with hardback copies of Reagan's autobiography and assorted bibles. [I>Maxwell Fuji, 13 O'Clock Correspondant, on tape.]
PRIMARY POWER? MAYBE NOT(COEUR D'ALENE, IDAHO) White supremacists in this Idaho town are hopping mad. Their demands, which stipulate that Coeur D'Alene become a regular venue for a Presidential primary, have gone completely ignored by officials of both the Democratic and Republican parties. Adolf Pratt, chancellor of the Aryan Strength Society (ASS), says it's a matter of cowardice. "Yeah, they chicken**** ******lovers," he said, clearly stating his case. "That's what THEY is." Hermann Lippman agrees, "Yep. Buncha ******lovers. **** 'em!" 13 O'Clock News was able to locate an intelligent person to talk to, ASS lawyer Irwin Sharkens. "I've filed lawsuits in every court in the land on this matter. Mark my words, there will be a primary in Idaho. Or at least a caucus," said the angry lawyer. "After all, where do you think the word 'Caucus"' came from? Caucasian. Beat that. It's a natural." Senator Strom Thurmond could not be reached for comment at press time as he was struggling with a severe case of death. Meanwhile, the truly decent people who make up the majority of Coeur D'Alene roll their eyes and wonder.., what next? [Fritz Patton, 13 O'Clock Color Man]
MICHAEL JACKSON BUSTED AGAIN
(HEELNEVERLAND, KAHLIFORNIA) Santa Barbara Police were back at the Michael Jackson estate, not because Michael allegedly jacks on kids this time, but because he is a thief. In papers filed in District Court by Sissy Spacek, the pop singer is charged with stealing the nose right off the actress' face, even going so far as to lighten his skin to cover up the theft. "Anyone can see that nose doesn't belong to him," said Spacek, "it's clearly my nose!" "I'd been wondering why I hadn't gotten any good roles for awhile," she later mused. [Morgan Fairman and Morgan FreeChild 13 O'Clock Hollywood Beat Beat]
AL GORE GIVES DEAN HIS SEAL OF APPROVAL(PILGRIM'S PAYNE, NEW HAMPSTRING) In the hotly contested Presidential Primary season Al Gore has made waves by giving Howard Dean his "Seal Of Approval". As it turns out it is an actual seal named Arnold, whose one trick is clapping his fins together. Gore gave Dean the seal because he was moving. Later when pressed, Gore admitted he was finally forced out of his Tennessee home by his wife Tipper. "I didn't have room for my seal at the new apartment, but I know Howard loves animals so we set something up," said the former Veep."I don't know who told the press and gave them Arnold's Seal Of Approval nickname, because it makes it sound like I'm endorsing Dean for President. That just isn't going to happen. Not even if he were to choose me as Vice President. Or Secretary Of State. I mean now that he's the front runner and all. Please." [A. Pathetik, 13 O'Clock Campaign Follower]
U.S.A. WON'T SHARE ITS TOYS
(SQUARE OFFICE, WHITE HOUSE) Resident Bush spent the weekend phoning the leaders of several nations to inform them they would not be sharing in the "glorious waterfall of reconstruction contract money" in Iraq. Non-participants were separated from the herd based on their earlier refusal to participate in the destruction of the country.
"It's like I told Pootee," the Resident explained, referring to Russian President Vladimir Putin, "you break it, you get to rebuild it, and they didn't break nothin'! Neither did the frogs or the other guys, them... some other foreigners."
The French and German governments have issued terse statements condemning the United States, not for attacking Iraq but for hogging up all the big dollar contracts. Bush Administration spokesman Scott McClellan rebutted with poorly done Photoshop images of the leaders of the two countries together in bed with a pair of small sheep.
"We fully respect the Nazi thing, but where do the Frenchies fit into that," asked McClellan. The young press secretary, lovingly referred to on the Beltway as Ari-Lite, brightened considerably when talk turned to the latest phase of reconstruction. "Yes, we have turned most of southern Iraq into a vast golf course," the newly crowned Bard of BS beamed, though there was "no official reason behind the decision to build the course." The press secretary, who is also the CEO of McClellan Sand Wedges & Sunscreen Inc., pointed out that "some things are just done because it sounded like fun at the time." [Barbie O'Golli, 13 O'Clock Gullibility Accountability Dept.]
DUBYA SHOWS THE MILITARY HOW IT'S DONE(GHOT-YUR-BAQ, IRAQ) Upset with the slow pace of the Iraq Reclaimation Commission's progress in turning over occupation of Iraq to Iraqis, and the fact that Hillary Clinton thought of going to Iraq first, President Bush flew into a rage and then flew himself into Iraq to visit the troops on a whirlwind Thanksgiving tour.
Touching down in Baghdad at 3PM local time, Secret Service Special Forces quickly set up a portable stage specially flown in on a C5A Galaxy. Unfortunately since the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders had a home game already scheduled that day, The Resident was forced to make do with an alternate set of cheerleaders, Rush Limbaugh, Dennis Miller, Bill O'Reilly and Ann Coulter. Music was provided by Lee Greenwood and Toby Keith. Bob Hope was also unavailable due to severe rigormortis, so Bush dubbed his visit the Hopeless Tour.
At first the Resident tried to charge admission to help defray the cost of invading Iraq and the $74 million cost of the quickie show, but only 31 curious soldiers showed up. Dubya soon opened the doors when he realized that the show looked deserted even to the tightly controlled Fox Spews cameras. Once orders to attend went down the chain of command, the show began, and after a thrilling 43 minute show, featuring The Resident cracking jokes about Iraq "looking more like the 51st State every day," the entourage was on their planes and back in Washington before daybreak.
"Now that's how you run an invasion," quipped the smug President, "Fly in, take names and leave before anyone gets wise to what you're up to! Let's hope the boys in the Pentagon were taking notes!" [Story filed by an Enemy Combatant, name, identity and life deleted]
BUSH REFUSED TO PARDON BIRD(WASHINGTON, D.C.) (From November) Yet another long standing American tradition has gone by the wayside during the George W. Bush era. Every Thanksgiving, the sitting President grants an official pardon to one turkey, sparing its life in a symbolic gesture of good will and kindness. This year's festivities were marred when the President began to shake uncontrollably while attempting to say the word "pardon". Moments later, the President growled something unintelligible and motioned to Attorney General John Ashcroft, who ran into the room with an ax and dispatched the turkey with frightening speed. Democrats have denounced the spectacle as "typical of the Bush/Ashcroft agenda", with Ted Kennedy going so far as to say "wouldn't you know they couldn't manage one paultry poultry pardon". [By Tom Byrd, 13 O'Clock Chopping Block Talk Specialist]
MARYLAND MAN SPARES SON, WIFE, SELF(BILLMORE, MARYLAND) 37 year old Michael Remmington, a stock broker from this tiny, close-knit community shocked his friends and neighbors yesterday when, despite his frustration over mounting debt, the recent loss of his job and his inability to achieve an erection, did not shoot his family and then turn the gun on himself. Local Sheriff Griggs Stanton addressed the stunned residents at a town hall meeting this morning and offered the only explanation police psychologists had been able to reach. "Mr. Remmington is clearly not a well man and does not realize the gravity of his situation," the Sheriff told the concerned citizens, adding that they could rest easy, as the Department was placing Mr. Remmington under 24 hour surveillance. Meanwhile, just two miles away, Micheal and Michele Remmington were happily playing in a park with their four year old son, Destiny. "This just isn't normal," said Sheriff Stanton, "and we're going to be there when he comes back down to earth and goes ballistic, by God." [S.A. Wesson, 13 O'Clock Pre-News Reporting Unit]
U.S. TO INVADE MOON(CAPE JEB BUSH, FLA) Scientists are converging on this long-dormant NASA compound, until this week known as Cape Kennedy, all with one goal in sight: to land a corporation on the moon before the Chinese snarf up the prime real estate. In his weekly radio address to the nation, President George Bush offered stirring words for which he will likely be remembered throughout history: "We choose to go to the moon in this decade, and do the other things, like, I don't know, like build stuff, not because they are easy, because it'll probably be hard." Moments later, the stuttering President added "Besides, them Chinese might get all the good spots, and that'd make me mad. Mean mad." When asked during a press conference later that evening what might be built on the moon, the President rattled off the names of several corporations owned by his closest friends and Administration allies that would benefit from colonized bases on the lunar surface. Alert presidential handlers quickly moved in and helped the surprised world leader away from the podium and out of the room. [Haley Burton, 13 O'Clock Astro-Oil Drillicist]
TRUE DETECTIVE LANDSCAPE BLEAK(STUDIO CITY, CA) Executives from a small handful of cable networks are meeting this week in what is being called "Senseless Slaughter Summit 2003" after ratings for true detective programs collapsed over the past quarter. "I've always loved Scream Bloody Murder," says Eugenie Axwashir of Casketgrove, Tennessee, "but for the past two years it's been the same cases over and over until I just don't want to watch it anymore. Now I watch C-Span." Dudley Eispik of Stranglewood, Florida, concurs. "Hey, how many different ways can you present the Night Prowler case before we 'detecties'" (the true detective world's version of a Trekie) "can identify it within thirty seconds," he wonders. "I watch C-Span now. Plenty bloody." The network execs will meet with a citizen's action group of "detecties" who have a unique suggestion package that includes an early release program for violent offenders. "The hope, of course, is that this would bring about thousands of new murders for shows like Oh You Detective You, Hey Flatfoot, Decomposition Weekly and Detect This to dramatize for our viewing pleasure," says Axwashir, "because if I don't have something new to watch soon, I'm going to off someone myself, I'm telling ya." [John Wayne Macy, 13 O'Clock Killer Parade Float Artist]
REALITY BITES IT(HOLLYWEIRD, CA) Neilson ratings for the month of November have been analyzed by the famed polling company and sent off to bewildered executives at the television networks, execs for whom the world made sense, at least until now. The ratings indicate a rapid drop in the American public's interest in the pain, suffering and pettiness of others.
"Last month they were there, noses pressed to the screen, afraid to go to the can because they might miss something nasty," says Gilbert T. Azczarjed, Chek-born head of Reality programming for the suddenly struggling FIX Network. "Today, I don't know where they go. Maybe reruns of Rhoda, maybe they ride bicycles. Whatever it is," he says with the bitter tone of a betrayed man, "they're not watching Reality shows on FIX. It's not my fault."
But FIX's head of hiring and firing, known only as Mr. 86, sees it differently. "We pay Gil T. Azczarjed to sell sleaze. If nobody buys it, we need a new sleaze salesman. End of story, so excuse me. I'm working."
"He said what," said Azczarjed at the airport a short time later as he prepared to leave the country on unexpected business. While waiting for his flight, Azczarjed bumped into the heads of Reality programming at fourteen other networks, all of whom were also leaving the country on unexpected business. The group held an impromptu meeting and left the airport together to start their own network.
Meanwhile, in an office across town, executives and technicians of the Neilson company met to discuss the breakdown of their rating equipment, ideas for damage control before there are serious ramifications at the networks, and whether or not to inform the networks that average-America is still dumb as a post and thoroughly fascinated with the rudeness, pushiness, romantic choices of and cat fights of total strangers. ["Backhand" Dan, 13 O'Clock Real Life Advocate]
That's the news, if you can believe everything you read. Actually, only the signposts on the road to Armageddon are true, but we don't give out the real names of these fools because it would be advertising to them. We'll have more news for you in the next issue of Cosmik Debris. Thank you.